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“You didn’t pick Diana up from school.”
Lawrence’s voice sounded harsh, angry over the phone, and Adam felt his stomach drop almost down to his feet. He looked at the clock- he had been sure that he had still had time left, but sure enough the clock read almost three quarters of an hour past when she should have been collected.
“Oh.” He blinked, frowned. “Fuck, Lar I’m sorry.”
“I had to leave work to come and get her.”
He winced- there was a certain clinical-ness to Lawrence’s voice when he was really, truly angry. Adam seldom heard it, but he was hearing it now.
“I’m sor-“
“I’ll talk to you at home.”
The line went dead, and Adam stared at his phone. He felt sick- his stomach churning from it, and he had to force himself to set the thing down to return to what he was doing. Diana would still have to eat when she got home from school, after all.
It felt like both the longest twenty minutes of his life and the blink of an eye, between the phone call and when he finally heard Lawrence’s key in the door. Anxiety was making him nauseous, but he hoped the smile he plastered on his face wasn’t as false as it felt when Diana came barreling in, her little face worried as she ran forward to hug him.
“Hey, Di.”
“Daddy picked me up from school instead of you today!” She smiled at him, her teeth sharp and wolfish- the dentist had said that she would lose them when she got her adult teeth, but Adam thought it was the cutest thing.
“That’s-“ Adam caught Lawrence’s eye, and his heart sank. “That’s really cool Di, I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”
“It’s okay.” She launched into a story about her lunch time activities, some game she had been playing with her friends, and it took some serious rerouting to get her focused on her dinner instead.
Adam’s stomach was tense from nerves- he could feel the irritation coming off Lawrence in waves, could sense the way that the man was holding back until Diana went to bed. He cleaned up slowly after, doing the dishes and wiping down counters for far longer than strictly necessary, and his stomach flipped when he finally stepped through the door to the sitting room to find Lawrence waiting for him.
“Three missed calls, Adam.”
He gritted his teeth with a nod- he had checked his phone after Lawrence had called him, and he didn’t know how he had missed it. The guilt threatened to choke him.
Lawrence dropped his voice, quiet and lethal as he spoke. “I had to push a surgery to tomorrow morning because I had to leave work to collect her, do you have any idea how worried I was?”
Adam opened his mouth to reply, but Lawrence cut him off. “I thought maybe you’d gotten in an accident or something- but then you answered your phone, and you just forgot .”
Something in Lawrence’s expression flickered. “Diana was worried about you- the first thing she asked was where you were.”
The urge to defend himself bubbled up, but Adam fought it- he had fucked up, and he knew it. In some ways, it felt right that Lawrence was so angry at him. The man had always been so understanding, it felt like the other shoe dropping to hear the hissed anger in his voice. It was always going to end up here, Adam supposed. He was always going to fuck it up eventually.
“Lawrence, I-“
“It’s not like you have much to do during the day, Adam.”
Adam flinched slightly, and his arms tightened further around his middle. Writhing, hot shame clenched in his stomach. “I said I was sorry, I just thought-“
“No, you didn’t think.” Lawrence was on a roll now, his face red from the effort to keep quiet. For Diana’s sake more than Adam’s. “You never think, Adam. You can be so goddamn childish sometimes.”
This time, Adam reeled back and heard his own voice, hard and flat. Their age difference hadn’t been a problem , per se, but Adam had been constantly reminded of it by the various people in Lawrence’s life. Having it thrown in his face was, well. Adam had never reacted well to being talked down to, prone to lashing out when he felt embarrassed. “Not too childish for you to fuck me, though. Right doc?”
Lawrence looked affronted, and a sick sense of satisfaction settled in Adam’s stomach. He spoke without thinking again. “I forgot one time, but I’m just a stupid fuck up, right? What was it that you called me again?”
The man was silent, stony faced, and Adam’s grin was more of a snarl than anything. “A bottom feeder?”
“Adam-“
“No, no. Tell me more about how much of a fucking burden I am to you.”
He had gotten too loud, and he dropped his voice to a whisper as he heard Diana move around in her room. There was no need to bring the girl into it, not when Adam was apparently dead set on ruining the best thing that had ever happened to him. “Actually, I’ll just save you the trouble.”
Dull panic was coursing through him, a steady mantra of he’s sick of you and that old familiar impulse to run away pulling at him. He turned to leave.
By the time Lawrence seemed to realise what he was doing, he already had his hoodie in his hand and was halfway out the door. He heard it, the edge of panic in the man’s voice as he called out after him, but he let it swing shut anyway with a final sounding click .
—
It had started to rain somewhere around the sixth block, and Adam’s hoodie was starting to soak to the skin. He pulled it tighter and kept his head down, grimacing as he felt his phone buzz in his pocket again. It hadn’t stopped since he had left the apartment- the thought of Lawrence wanting to continue the argument over the phone was too much to bear, but an apology was unthinkable. It had been Adam’s fault, after all- as angry as he had been, Lawrence was right.
He wondered how long Diana had sat there before realising he wasn’t coming, and his stomach lurched. He’d really fucked up, he knew- if it had only been with Lawrence, there might have been a chance, but Diana ? Lawrence had every right to be angry.
A car past, splashing water up onto the footpath, and Adam dug the toe of his shoe into the loosened gravel of it, watching as a woman ran down the opposite side of the street, her umbrella obscuring her face. He could barely feel his hands, and it wasn’t until almost 15 minutes later that realised his phone had stopped going off.
Lawrence had given up, it seemed.
A half sob caught in his throat, and he glanced up at the sign. He didn’t know where he was- wasn’t sure what buses came this way, and he didn’t even know where he would go if he knew. His hand found the skin of his forearm under his sleeve and he scratched at it, bouncing his leg up and down nervously as he did.
He could go to his parents- beg them to take him in, until he could find a new place. The thought of seeing them again after all this time, of throwing himself at their feet begging for them to let him in turned his stomach, but it would be better than freezing to death roughing it. He would have to call Lawrence eventually, to ask for his things back. It would be more difficult than moving in had been, even just practically- he owned a lot more stuff now. The thought of seeing the things that had fit so nicely in their shared apartment shoved into boxes, or thrown in the trash, almost killed him.
He was crying now, a hiccupping, shuddering sort of cry that felt like it was forcing its way out of him. He wasn’t sure he had ever cried like this- not when he had been kicked out the first time, or the second, not even after the trap.
It felt like the rug getting pulled from under him, a little. He had been an idiot to get comfortable anyway- he always fucked it up somehow. It was a miracle Lawrence had held out as long as he had, really.
He sniffed and rubbed harshly at his face, the fabric stinging against how cold his face was.
Finally, he moved to take his phone out, clicking the button and waiting for the screen to light up. When it didn’t, he repeated the action, and then swore softly. His phone must have died, he hadn’t charged it all day. God, he was a fucking idiot.
Maybe Lawrence hadn’t stopped calling after all.
A wave of panic washed over him then, and he looked at the sign again. He could flag down a car- the thought dismissed itself before he even got a chance to. Someone like him, climbing into a stranger's car in the middle of the night? Even he wasn’t that stupid.
He could start walking- probably should start walking. He couldn’t sit there all night. He got to his feet, chest aching from the cold and the fear sitting heavy in his stomach as he started to walk down the street. Each passing set of headlights illuminated the path for a moment, before he was stuck in darkness again.
A car slowed to a crawl, and he couldn’t make out the model of it in the dark. He looked away, kept his head down, shoved his hands uselessly in his pockets.
The car drove alongside him, and it wasn’t until his name was called the third time that he actually registered it, turning to frown at the car.
“Wh- Lawrence?”
The man looked exhausted, and Adam was ashamed at the equal measures of hope and dread that welled up at the sight of him. His heart thudded in his chest.
He couldn’t help it- he started crying again.
“Oh, Adam.”
Adam’s breathing hitched and cracked, and he knew that he must have looked insane, he felt insane. The tears were so hot compared to his cheeks that they felt like they burned, and his words fell over each other as they tumbled out of him.
“I’m s-so sorry, I don’t- my phone died and I didn’t know where I was and I just kept walking and-”
“Please get into the car.” Lawrence’s voice edged on desperate. “We can talk at home.”
Home .
Adam nodded dumbly, rounding the car to sit into the passenger seat with a wince.
“M’sorry, I’m all wet, the seats-“
“Fuck the seats.” The language was so out of character for Lawrence that Adam could have laughed, and he stared at the man for a moment. He heard movement, and it was only then that he noticed Diana in the back of the car.
The girl was still in her pyjamas, nightdress and fluffy slippers, her hair a bird's nest. His heart ached at the sight of her, and she blinked slowly at him. She got like that sometimes- Adam has never been one to go totally quiet, but Diana went non-verbal more often than not when she was upset. The thought that he had upset her hurt deeply, and he almost started crying again as she reached forward to catch a hold of his sleeve, gripping it tight.
He shivered, and watched as Lawrence turned the heater up. He looked a mess- hair more unruly than usual, eyes red rimmed. He had been crying, Adam realised with a jolt. Adam had made him cry.
“Lawrence, I’m-“
“Your phone died?” Lawrence’s voice sounded odd, hollowed out. “My calls stopped going through, I thought…”
He went silent, and the gentle sound of the radio turned down low softened the blow of it.
The drive back to the apartment was long- Adam had wandered far, it had seemed- and once they had parked up Adam shedded the wet hoodie and reached in to pick Diana up. It killed his shoulder, and she was far too old for it, but he ignored all of that in favour of catching the look in Lawrence’s eye that he always had when Adam was with Diana. Hope, warm and fizzling, sparked in his chest and he held the girl tighter.
Once he got her inside, it only took him a moment to get her into bed and settled. She pressed a sleepy kiss to his cheek, and he closed his eyes and rested his head against her for a moment.
Eventually he pulled away, but only got a couple of steps in before she spoke.
“Adam?”
“Yes, princess?”
She fell quiet, and he watched her face tighten with some emotion- frustration, maybe. He waited her out, staying close enough to tuck her duvet up around her.
“Are you leaving daddy?”
It felt like a sharp pain in his chest, and he let out a slow breath. “Diana…”
“I’m sorry I made you fight.” She sounded upset now, and Adam brushed a finger under her eye to catch a stray tear. “I don’t want you to go away.”
He opened his mouth to speak, swallowing hard and hoping his voice wouldn’t break. “Well, your daddy is angry at me right now.”
“Because of me?”
He shook his head and brushed her hair back. “No, no. Because of me sweetie, you’re perfect.”
“He was crying.” She frowned slightly, and Adam wished that it was too dark for her to see him- he couldn’t be sure what his expression was doing. He hoped he didn’t look as upset as he felt.
“I’m going to talk to him, okay? You just get some sleep.”
Her fingers caught on his wrist. “Please don’t go away?”
Her voice was so earnest and soft that Adam could have started crying. Instead, he offered her a watery smile. Despite the hope he had felt earlier, he couldn’t imagine Lawrence would want to deal with any of this. Adam had ruined it- he always ruined it. He would miss her so much he could already feel it, like a pre-emptive sort of grief that froze and cracked behind his ribs.
“Sometimes things happen, Diana, but I love you very much alright?”
She didn’t seem to understand what he meant, but she nodded anyway and finally let him go. He got to his feet, watching her turn over and trying to commit the sight of it to memory, before turning and slipping out through the door.
Lawrence was waiting in the hallway, almost as if he couldn’t bear to put too much space between them, and Adam could see from his face that he had been listening at the door.
He sniffed, tried for a smile. “Eavesdropping is rude.”
Lawrence stared at him, his expression open and vulnerable. “Are you leaving me?”
Adam stopped dead, and Lawrence continued to speak.
“If- if you are I-“ Lawrence never stopped and started, always so sure with his words. Seeing him struggle to talk made Adam’s chest ache for the man. “Let me drive you somewhere, please . I need to know you’re safe.”
“Drive me somewhere?” Adam frowned. “Lawrence, you’re breaking up with me .”
“What?”
Adam couldn’t follow what was happening anymore. “I forgot Diana . You were so angry.”
Lawrence seemed to have a response ready, but Adam wanted- needed - to say this. If it was the end, he might as well get everything out on the table.
“I’m lazy, and I don’t leave the house enough, and I never do my fucking physio, I keep zoning out and losing track of time and I’m-“ His breath caught in his throat and he whimpered. It felt like something had unblocked inside him, and now all of the ugliness was spilling out. “I’ve been nothing but a burden to you, you probably should have just fucking left me there and-“
A strong pair of arms wrapped around him, pulling him into a crushing hug. He could smell Lawrence’s cologne, some courtesy gift Alison’s mother had gotten him for some Christmas. Adam thought it made him smell a bit like wood varnish, but he didn’t mind it as much anymore. In fact, in that moment he thought it was the best thing he had ever smelled.
“I’m not breaking up with you, Adam. Christ.”
“But-“
“I got too angry.” Lawrence’s lips pressed against his hair, and Adam blinked back tears. “I’m sorry.”
“You should be angry.”
“I didn’t realise you zoned out so much, that time was such an issue for you.” Lawrence’s fingers pressed into the small of Adam’s back, under his shirt, and Adam fought the wave of shame that he felt at it being brought up again. “I wish you’d told me.”
“Can we go to bed?”
Their bedtime routine was slow, but the easy familiarity of it helped to settle Adam’s nerves. He brushed his teeth, Lawrence’s arm bumping his shoulder as he bent over to spit, and then went and grabbed Lawrence’s medicine for him. Once they had Lawrence’s prosthetic off, gotten Adam warm and dry, and had settled together on the bed, Adam’s heart rate was almost normal for the first time in hours.
He rested his head on Lawrence’s chest- a habit, from their worse days. He could hear the man’s heartbeat, the steady tha-thump of it, and gripped the man’s shirt in his hand.
Lawrence’s voice was soft when he spoke. “I love you, Adam, you can’t- you can’t just do that. You wouldn’t answer your phone- I was worried sick.”
Adam nodded. It felt stupid now that he wasn’t in it anymore. “I… panicked. Thought you were done with me.”
Lawrence sighed. “I’m sorry.”
He shook his head. “I should have told you that I was struggling.”
“For the record, I’m not done with you.” Lawrence’s hands were big and warm on his chest, a comforting weight over the scars underneath them. “Does it happen often?”
“Sometimes.” Adam thought of cold tile under his hands, seconds and minutes bleeding into hours, days . It had faded to nothing, by the end. “It’s stupid.”
Lawrence hummed softly, and Adam knew the sound- the man was in problem solving mode, his need to fix things coming to the forefront when presented with an issue.
Adam waited him out, content to feel him breathe and let his foot rub against the man’s calf.
“We could start putting reminders on the fridge, on your phone? I could call you, before Diana gets out of school.”
Adam wrinkled his nose. “It shouldn’t be your responsibility to-”
“I want to help you.” Lawrence’s mouth bumped against his temple, lips warm and soft as he spoke against his skin. “Please let me.”
Adam reddened slightly, and cuddled closer. “I should probably… talk to someone about it too.”
They were both well aware of Adam’s reluctance to talk to anyone at all about what happened, and he felt Lawrence’s smile without having to see it.
“I’ll get it sorted. Nobody I know.”
“I love you.” Adam’s voice wavered a little bit, and he tilted his head up to let Lawrence press their mouths together. “I think we owe Diana some ice cream tomorrow, or something.”
“I have that surgery tomorrow morning, but then I’ve taken some annual leave.”
Adam blinked, almost sitting up in surprise. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“I had leave to take anyway- they don’t want me working as much, you know that. Diana can call in sick too, maybe. We could make a day of it.”
Adam raised an eyebrow. “Who are you and what have you done with Lawrence Gordon?”
“It’s not the end of the world.” Lawrence rolled his eyes and tugged him down into a kiss, letting Adam fall down onto him. “She can miss one day.”
The events of the evening felt far away now, that panic and dread having faded into an easy contentment. It was- stressful wasn’t the right word, more unsettling than anything, the steadfast-ness of their relationship.
“I’m sorry, by the way.” Lawrence pulled the duvet up around him, holding him close. “It was awful, what I said.”
At Adam’s scrunched nose, he sighed. “I don’t want you to do anything around the house, I just- you’re not some little housewife.”
“No, you were-“
“I wasn’t right, Adam. You being alive is enough- you’re enough. I should never have said that.”
Adam smiled softly. “It’s okay, Lar. S’in the past.”
The man started to speak again, but the words were swallowed by a yawn that made them both chuckle.
“Bedtime, I think.”
“Mmhm.”
Adam reached over, checking the time on his phone. It was only a little bit past ten- his old self would have laughed at him for sleeping before midnight , nevermind 10pm. Ah, well.
“Goodnight.”
He felt Lawrence’s lips against his forehead in lieu of a response, and closed his eyes, letting the steady heartbeat knock him out.