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“So that’s him, huh? That’s your old Cap?”
Next to Buck, Tommy nods shortly. “Yeah, that’s Gerrard.”
Buck glances at his boyfriend, whose eyes are fixed on the old man across the bay. Ever since Gerrard had sat down next to Bobby, Tommy’s entire disposition had shifted from what Buck had grown used to. The crinkly-eyed, often goofy man is stiff and practically withdrawn.
Tommy can’t seem to stop looking at the man even as the two make their way towards an empty table with their food. “The way you guys talk about him, I assumed he was dead.”
Vincent Gerrard had come up a fair few times over the years. Of course, most of Buck’s knowledge of the man came from Hen and Chim. Though recently, he and Tommy had gone out for dinner with Hen and Karen and there’d been a fair bit of reminiscing on the ‘dark ages’ of the 118. But in none of those instances had Buck seen Tommy so shut down. Sure, he’d grown serious as he’d apologized for standing idle as Hen and Chim had been discriminated against. But his regretfulness had been accepted and they’d quickly moved on to jesting. Just like now as Chimney quips “Only in our hearts!”
But Tommy doesn’t even crack a smile, only looking blankly over the shorter man’s shoulder as the retired captain approaches the trio. Something familiar twists in Buck’s heart as he watches Gerrard tear down Chimney and Tommy with just a few choice (and incredibly unprofessional, if you ask him) words.
Chim easily brushes them off with a quick dig and wanders away towards Maddie. Tommy, unfortunately, is not as unaffected. His blue eyes that are normally so bright are cast at the floor, mouth pinched tight. Buck doesn’t like this version of Tommy one bit, and hates Gerrard even more for bringing it to the surface. Maybe it’s petty, but if he ‘accidentally’ shoulder checks the man as they walk away? That’s nobody’s business but his own.
For the remainder of the reception, Tommy is on edge. He keeps an eye on Gerrard as he moves around the room, chatting with various LAFD officials. Buck’s attempts to engage with him only warrant distracted, distant responses. Gone are the casual, easy touches that Buck has grown to love in their relationship. Of course they aren’t going to be in each other’s laps - this is a work event - but the wall Tommy has put up around himself is practically palpable.
Buck knows his concerned glances aren’t subtle, and he doesn’t intend them to be. Still, Tommy doesn’t acknowledge them until that evening when they’re back at Tommy’s place.
“I’m sorry,” Tommy suddenly bursts out “about today.” Buck pauses his scrolling through Netflix.
Buck slowly sets the remote down, shifting so he’s looking at Tommy rather than leaning against him. He doesn’t say anything, giving the other man time to sort through his thoughts.
“I never wanted you to see that side of me.” Tommy says carefully. “I’m not proud of it.”
Buck grabs Tommy’s hand and tangles their fingers together. “I don’t see what you have to be ashamed of.” He says. “You’ve apologized to Hen and Chimney and they accepted it. That’s what matters to me.”
Tommy shakes his head, pulling his hand away to scrub it through his hair. “I don’t really mean that - well, yes, it’s part of it for sure - but I guess I mean more how I clammed up and got all distant. That wasn’t fair to you.”
Buck sighs and grabs his boyfriend’s chin to turn his head to him, thumb stroking over the cleft.
Tommy’s journey with his sexuality had come up a few times between them. Buck knew he’d been enlisted during the age of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, knew that he’d grown up in a home where being a macho man was not just the expectation but the rule. He knew that Tommy had known he was gay from a young age, it was accepting that part of himself that took decades. Most important here, he knew that Captain Gerrard was a big part of that delay.
“When I came out to Hen,” Buck says softly, “she talked about working under Gerrard, about working in a field where ‘straight white guy’ is the norm. She wanted me to know that no one should ever let me feel less capable at my job because of my sexuality- that she would have my back if anyone, from any station, said anything.”
Tommy nods along, not entirely sure where Buck was going with this. “Hen is far better than me when it comes to standing up for herself.” He laughs humorlessly. “I was in awe of her back then and I’m in awe of her today, honestly.”
Buck moves to cup Tommy’s face with two large hands. “She also said that just because she chose to be loud and proud, there’s no shame in choosing to be more reserved. Sometimes it’s easier, safer, to keep quiet.”
Tommy shakes his head within Buck’s palms. “I want to be proud so badly.” He whispers. “And I normally am. I just… saw Gerrard and felt ten years younger.” He pulls away from Buck, covering his face with his hands. “Maybe even thirty.” He inhales shakily. “Gerrard is just, so much like my father.”
Buck shifts again on the couch, drawing one knee up. “You feel small, right?” Tommy whips his head around. Buck continues, “Like they’re this overpowering presence that you’re just in the shadow of and nothing will ever make them see you, like, in the light. There’s this assumption that they have of what you are and no matter what, that assumption won’t change, or it’ll just get worse.”
Blue eyes meet blue. “You’re out of that shadow now, Tommy.”
A sad sort of smile comes over Tommy’s face as he leans towards Buck, pressing their lips together chastely. “You’re out of it too, Evan.”
Buck still has a sorrowful expression on his face and Tommy doesn’t like it one bit, especially since it feels like he put it there. “I really like being out of the shadow with you.”
Thankfully, that wipes some of the sadness off Buck’s face and replaces it with a soft smile and blushing cheeks. Filled with warmth from being that reason that expression is on Buck’s face, Tommy continues on. “I really want to tell you more about my past - my dad, being overseas, when I started out as a firefighter - I really do. It’s not even all bad stuff; there was good in there, too.”
Buck hums, stroking his thumb along the edge of Tommy’s jaw. “I want to hear about all of it - the good and the bad.” He presses his forehead to the other man’s. “But only when you want to. I’ve been told I have a bit of an oversharing problem…” They both chuckle. “But seriously, even if I share it doesn’t mean you have to.”
Tommy sighs, and moves to allow himself the indulgence of nestling into Buck’s side. “I’m ashamed of who I used to be, not just looking back on it, but at the time too. That’s why it’s hard to talk about.”
“Well,” Buck says, curling his arm around Tommy’s shoulders and pulling him close. “Just know that I want to know all the parts of you, but I get that it’ll come in time. I’m here whenever you’re ready.”
Tommy just kisses him again, and they fall into a comfortable silence for a while. Buck chooses a documentary on the history of NASCAR. It makes Tommy melt a little because he knows Buck prefers ones about nature, but chose to cater his boyfriend’s interests instead.
As the light outside fades, they migrate to Tommy’s bedroom. It’s shockingly domestic for how early they are in their relationship - brushing their teeth side by side, Tommy scrolling through his phone in bed while he waits for Buck to finish in the bathroom, Buck setting his pill organizer on the right nightstand. They do still blatantly ogle each other as they change, though.
Tommy basks in the ease and gentleness that has characterized their entire relationship thus far. He savors it as Buck crawls beneath the covers next to him, kissing his cheek with a grin. It’s that feeling, the one that has settled somewhere remarkably close to his heart, that makes him want to start spilling his guts into the darkened room.
“For as long as I can remember, probably until a while after I transferred to Harbor, my biggest fear was someone figuring out that I was just… pretending to be straight.”
Buck doesn’t say anything, but props himself up on an elbow. Even in the darkness, Tommy can feel those big blue eyes watching him.
“I think Gerrard knew, somehow, that I was a fraud. Something about how he’d always turn to me specifically, to agree with him when he made all these bigoted comments.”
Under the blankets, Buck’s hand finds his.
“So, I played into this idea of the perfect macho-firefighter that I figured he wanted. And god, the more time I spent in LA, the more queer people I met, the more it hurt. It hurt so bad to keep denying myself that freedom and that joy.”
He chances a glance at Buck then, and the expression on his face is not one he expects. Rather than sadness, or pity, or a lack of understanding, there’s… happiness? Pride? Buck’s eyes are soft but his lips are quirked in a small smile.
“What?”
“I’m sorry, keep going, I’m just uh, honored you’re sharing this with me.”
Tommy ducks his head, feeling more bare than he ever has naked. Still, he keeps talking, finding that it’s not the worst feeling in the world, to be seen so completely.
“When Hen came along, she wore her sexuality like a badge of honor. And she shoved that badge right in Gerrard’s face, didn’t give a damn what he thought a firefighter was supposed to be. Being like that had always felt so far away for me, so out of reach, but there it was right in front of me. And then she had a wife and a kid and an entire beautiful life.”
Tommy is alarmed to realize tears are welling in his eyes. “Being gay and having that? I had resigned myself to that not being in the cards for me. I thought that gay people, especially gay firefighters, just didn’t get to have a happy ending or whatever.” He swipes at his eyes, embarrassed. “I know it’s stupid, it’s the twenty-first century and we live in California, but I just didn’t see it happening for me.”
“I don’t think it’s stupid at all.” Buck says quietly. Almost inaudibly, he adds: “I think I thought the same thing. I wasn’t clear on why, but I always just sort of felt like I’d never experience that ‘happy ending’, too.”
Shakily, Tommy inhales. “You know, after these past few months? I’m not sure I think that way anymore.”
He can practically hear the smile in Buck’s voice. “Oh?”
“Yeah,” Tommy breathes “I don’t know, I met this guy and he’s just… something else.” He grins, side-eyeing Buck. “You might know him actually.”
Buck laughs, and it's a bright, beautiful thing. Still laughing, he rolls Tommy onto his back, straddling his hips.
Unwittingly, a laugh bubbles out of Tommy’s mouth before he schools his features. His hands come up to rest on Buck’s hips. “I’m realizing that that part of my life will always be painful. Seeing Gerrard will always be painful. But I’m sorry that I let it impact how I act around you. I’m still working on letting myself be, I don’t know, free-er?”
Buck continues to smile down at him. “You’re Tommy 2.0.”
“Tommy 2.0?”
“For a while I had this whole way of explaining my personal growth as a series of system updates.” Buck laughs “I think I made it all the way to Buck 3.0”. He pauses, eyes looking Tommy up and down appreciatively. “But I think figuring out I’m bisexual deserves another upgrade.” He throws his arms out wide. “Meet Buck 4.0.”
Tommy laughs and pulls Buck down so they’re chest to chest. “Gerrard would hate it.” He pecks Buck’s lips.
“I love it.”
Tommy 2.0 was a version of himself he never saw coming to light. ‘Tommy 1.0’ may not have even wanted him to exist. But despite it all - despite the military, despite his father, despite Captain Gerrard - he was here. He was himself. And maybe, just maybe, he’d get his happy ending.