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Skylar’s shoes dragged on the tiles of the halls as he made his way to the teacher’s office. When he slid open the door, the quiet tension of the air-conditioned room greeted him along with Mr. Lee’s glance.
“Oh, you’re here. Good.” Mr. Lee called out to him, beckoning him toward his desk. “You’re probably wondering why I called, but I assume you have a guess?”
“Early admissions.”
“Right. Specifically,” Mr. Lee hunched over in his seat, waving the paper Skylar had filled out months prior in his hand. “You wrote here that you wanted to get into SNU.”
“Yeah…” Skylar already knew. He could tell from the inflections of Mr. Lee’s voice. It was also something he’d known for more than a year already. All the way back when he first failed his math exam in the second year.
Mr. Lee plopped the sheet down on his desk. “Only one person got accepted from our school, Skylar. And I’m sorry to say it isn’t you.”
“It’s okay, I understand.”
“Don’t be too hard on yourself though, getting into SNU is incredibly difficult—especially early admissions. Your grades dipped in the second year, but seeing how your scores bounced back afterward, maybe they’ll consider you after the CSATs. This is me telling you that if you want it, you’ll have to do really well.”
“Understood.” He nodded, swallowing a lump in his throat. While there was indeed a chance, almost all his hopes had faded. Skylar did calculations on his own. Even if he did well on all future exams and somehow aced the CSATs, there was a huge chance it wouldn’t be enough.
His GWA had suffered in that second year, so much had happened. Any chance he may have had for a scholarship at SNU would be gone. That thought had always been there like a spider dangling in the back of his head.
Every time he looked at Cirrus’ face, it reminded him that he’d have to face this one day. At some point, he learned to ignore the thoughts entirely, but now the day of consequence was finally here, and he’d have to deal with it.
“Just to clarify, Mr. Lee. Who was it?”
“It should be obvious right?”
Of course. Of course, it was obvious. Even he knew that much. “I see. Well then, thank you, Sir.”
“Wait,” Mr. Lee beckoned with his hand. “I wouldn’t call you in just for that. As a teacher, I always think starting with bad news first is best. You have other options, Skylar.”
A quiet desire flickered in Skylar’s chest. He listened intently.
“You put in a peculiar school in your choices. I was surprised you even considered it.”
“You mean?”
“Yep.” He handed the paper to Skylar. And sure enough, he was accepted into a University in Pohang. Skylar didn’t really think much of it when he put it in there. He always thought he’d have to attend college while still living with his Mom.
“I have to ask you now. Is this really something you want to do? Because it is an option. You said your dad lives there, right?” He emphasized that last point, as if eager to see Skylar take the opportunity.
Skylar said nothing. He felt like he swallowed a lump of something he shouldn’t have, and was now fixated on the unsettling sensation rising from his stomach.
“Well, it is a lot to think about. Make sure to talk about this with your parents, okay?”
“Okay.” Skylar bowed lightly, turned to the door, dragging his soles across the floor like ambivalent dreams, and shut the door behind him as he left.
***
A drastic change took place in Skylar’s sense of security after telling his parents. When he first told his Mom after getting home that day, there was a sullen droop in her eyes. He figured she must have been against it, yet not moments later, she suggested Skylar call his dad and try to work it out.
She looked so relieved, going on about how many expenses would be avoided, and that it was a chance for him to spend some time with his father after all this time. Even Ha-Yeon, who was seated on the couch as they were talking, perked up at the idea, a glint of curiosity in her eyes.
His dad was even more obvious with his excitement. Upon hearing the news, he not only let out a breathy exclamation of an “oh”, but also started listing down the things Skylar would be able to do back in his very first hometown.
They could go on trips together, fish at the sea they used to visit together as a family, or pay respects at some temples for old-times sake. It was almost dreamlike, the way his voice waved softly up and down, both excited and nostalgic.
Skylar couldn’t deny he was curious about Pohang, but he was also at odds with the idea of going back to the source of his problems. One thing about Skylar though, is that he knew about practicality.
A free scholarship at a good University in a city he was familiar with? With a proper house and commute route to boot? It was the best option, especially since he wouldn’t have to worry about the exams anymore. Weighing certainty against uncertainty made the “good” decision very clear.
All he wanted was for everything to go by smoothly and peacefully. That wish was essentially being handed to him on a silver platter, he’d be an idiot to refuse.
And yet, he was more than just a little unsure…
“Hey.”
He blinks and looks up. Cirrus was staring at him glumly, two soda cans in hand.
“You okay? You’ve been out of it since you came to school.” The silver-haired boy tosses him one of the cans, its coldness only worsens the tingling numbness he feels in his hands.
“Yeah, sorry.”
Skylar was more than just a little unsure. When he was pondering his choices after talking to his Dad, Cirrus called him right after. He said he wanted to hang out tomorrow after school, and now here they were, strolling around the city as the sun slowly went down, coloring the sky a gloomy shade of orange and pink, soda cans in hand with no real direction.
Skylar wasn’t sure why Cirrus had decided to spend time like this, but it felt like he needed his company more than ever. If he did decide to go to Pohang after high school, how was he supposed to tell Cirrus he’d be going to school so far away from him?
After all this time, he’s started relying on Cirrus for so much. Just being within the same vicinity gave him a sense of comfort he wouldn’t otherwise have. It meant having someone’s support at all times, a source of happiness and affection, maybe even a little kiss on the cheek or neck when no one was looking. It felt impossible to think of a time where he spent so much time by himself. Could he even handle being that far away from him?
When Cirrus called him last night, the wave of relief he felt at hearing his voice was unmatched. There was so much comfort in being around his partner even if they haven’t been seeing each other for all that long. Cirrus told him to free his schedule, and that he had plans for them, now he was following along, unsure what else to do, or how he’d even tell Cirrus what his plans were looking like.
Skylar could only focus on the sound of Cirrus’ footsteps beside him, eyes following his own feet as they walked slowly around town, passing by the park, the city streets, sidewalks paved with cement eventually turned into bricks, then grass. The scenery too, turned from skylines and stores, to open fields and waters.
It’s then that Skylar looks up, realizing he isn't familiar with the area anymore, and looks to his lover. “Where are we going?”
Cirrus’ lips flatten into a thin smile, and there’s a coldness in his eyes. “You’ll see.” He takes a sip of the soda can in hand, letting out a sigh.
Skylar does the same, letting the time pass. A few cars came and went, their whirring engines loudening as they approached and deafening as they passed by, save for that, all was quiet. The only thing between them, as they walked through the grassy sidewalk, was the mutual silence and the sound of footsteps crunching into leaves.
He takes a sip from the can again, by this point, it's flat and tepid, unpleasant. But the motion allowed a transition, a timing with which he could bring up his plans for the future, and the careful considerations he’d have to make going forward.
Wetting his lips, Skylar takes a deep breath and opens his mouth. “Cirrus I-”
“It’s so nice to be walking like this, huh?”
“What do you mean?”
Cirrus turns to him, “It’s nothing. Just that sometimes, I realize how nice everything is with you. I’ve been here before by myself, but the walk has never felt this peaceful before. Even the sky looks better when I’m seeing it with you around.”
Skylar nodded, a lump forming in his throat.
He asks again. “It’s nice, right?”
Skylar responds. “Yeah.”
“We can go even more places. Just like this. I don’t care where, as long as we’re together.”
The lump in Skylar’s throat grew larger, it was almost impossible to swallow. But still, he did. He drank the last of flat soda, holding the empty can to brace himself. “Cirrus…”
The taller boy stops in his tracks, eyes following the slope on the side of the green sidewalk, “Here we are.”
Skylar looks in the same direction. When he sees the grass sloping down along the side of the river, he finally notices the smell in the air. It’s earthy, like that of an early seabreeze but without the overly fishy smell of the sea. The sound of the water brushing up onto the earth filled the dead air like white noise, stretching into a large body of water that oversaw the horizon. All the while, the setting sun bounced off of its surface, the murky reflection dancing in the water.
“A riverbank.”
“The nicest one in town. Come sit with me.” Cirrus sinks himself into the grass, not even worrying about the dirt sticking to his pants. It was unlike him to be so nonchalant about his clothes.
Skylar sits next to him, guarded. “Cirrus, why are we here?”
Silver-hair flows with the wind as if letting it answer for him. Then, he speaks. “It’s beautiful isn’t it?”
“Yeah…”
“Seoul has a lot of parks that follow the Han River, they’re probably even better than this one. You and I could go sightseeing together. Have a little stroll around the city, maybe bring some food, have a little picnic after school, I think it’d be fun.”
Skylar scratches his neck, biting hard on the inside of his lip. “I don’t think it matters all that much in the long run...”
“Don’t lie. You’re into this stuff more than I am.” He smiles, there’s a bitterness behind it. Cirrus finishes his own drink, clasping the empty can inside his fist before continuing, “We’ve already made a habit of studying together so we could do it over there too. You and I make up for each other’s weaknesses at school, so it’d only be for the better.”
The cold weight in his chest continues to grow, “I don’t think distance matters between us, right? We’ve been through enough for that not to matter so… Cirrus, I-”
“Oh, of course, we wouldn’t do everything together. I know you like having some personal space, but at least I’d be there if you need me, you know? I don’t care where it is actually, I’d follow you anywhere. Everything’s so much better when we’re together. Here… Seoul…”
The can crackles in Cirrus’ tightening grip.
“Pohang has good beaches too, I wouldn’t mind being there. You were born there after all.”
The can falls from Skylar’s fingers, it lands beside him on the grass. He finally realizes why Cirrus called him that night, “You knew…”
Cirrus’ expression grows dark, grimacing. “I was waiting for you just outside the room. I heard everything.”
Skylar purses his lips, taking careful breaths as he opens his mouth. “Cirrus, I-”
“Stop. Stop looking at me with that pitiful look in your eyes. Don’t talk gently as if you’ve already made up your mind. What am I to you, Skylar?” The can crumples between Cirrus’ fingers. Liquid oozes out, spilling into his knuckles and down on the floor as the wind blows stronger, bringing an almost salty taste to their mouths.
His voice breaks, “I love you, you know that.”
“Then stay with me. What’s it like in your hometown? Take me there, we can check it out together.”
“That would be nice, wouldn’t it?”
“Right? So-”
“But you got accepted to SNU, you can’t just-”
“Yes, I can. Besides,” He grabs Skylar by the shoulder, pulling their faces close together. Skylar can see the light wavering in Cirrus’ eyes, a pool forming in its lens. The can topples down the slope, “It’s not over for you, we can still get there together. I’ll help you every step of the way.”
“I can’t Cirrus. It’s impossible, I checked myself. It’s not gonna work out. I lost too much in that second year. Believe me, I did.”
Cirrus’ fingers are practically digging into his arms at this point. It hurts. “Then I’ll go with you. To Pohang.”
“I won’t let you jeopardize your future like that.”
“Don’t you get it, you idiot? My future doesn’t mean shit if I’m not with you every step of the way. My soul is with you, Sky. I’d follow you to heaven and hell. Heck, dying by your hand… I’d even love that much.”
“Cirrus, calm down. We’ll work it out, I trust in us.”
A click comes from Cirrus’ tongue at his reply, it’s laced with frustration. Offense. “I don’t think you realize how serious I am about you, Skylar. I love you. So much.”
“And I love you too. That’s why, no matter how far apart we are-”
“Wasn’t it you who said we should be roommates in college?!” The scream echoes into the water, a tear flows down Cirrus’ cheek.
Skylar’s heart sinks. He has nothing to say to that.
“Do you have any idea how much it meant to me when you spoke those words that night? After everything I had been through that week? You were there every step, I got out of it a lot better because you were there. What’ll happen when you’re not?
“And fuck, I get that it’s my fault that you didn’t get accepted and I did but,” Cirrus’ grip on his arm tightens, it quivers, then it falls, his hands planting themselves onto the grass below. “What am I supposed to do, if you’re not with me?”
“Cirrus… I,” His voice barely comes out, as if spikes have taken over his throat, making it hard to even utter a word. “I’ll always be there for you, I’ll always love you no matter what.”
“Liar!” His hands dig into the soil, tears watering the grass below.
“It doesn’t have to be physical. You can call me anywhere. Whether I’m in class or asleep, I’ll always answer you.”
“Why do you keep saying shit like that?! Why have you thought so far ahead about what you would do if we got split up in college but not about trying to stay together through it all?! I can go to Pohang too, Skylar. Why are you so against that?”
“Because you deserve better…”
“It’s not like, college is the end-all-be-all, I don’t care where I end up, I can always make it work afterward. Who gives a fuck about getting into a good school?!”
“Me!” The scream blurts out of Skylar’s mouth, a tear falls down his eye. Neither of them expected it.
Cirrus looks up, stunned. “Is that it? You’re taking revenge on me for taking it away from you?”
“You know that’s not it-”
“You don’t know for sure until you try, you can always get into SNU, you don’t have to accept that other school’s offer. You can always wait till exams.”
“That’s not safe.”
“But it’s worth it! Right? Aren’t I worth it Skylar?”
Skylar says nothing.
“Look at me, damn it!” When Skylar bites his lip, hard at thought, Cirrus pulls his face by the cheeks and kisses him deeply.
The smudges of soil stick to Skylar’s cheeks as their lips stick together, and just for a moment, Skylar forgets everything. But when he comes back to his senses, he pushes Cirrus away.
The sun has fully set, and the moon rises from the other side. Water flows around them, and water flows from both of their faces as the silence ensues. Skylar thinks about the way his parents lit up at the news, he thinks about how his mother always comes home rubbing the small of her back from work, eyes baggy, and hair tied up in a mess.
And he thinks about his little sister and everything she’s had to sacrifice from her own life just so he could get through school quietly. It wasn’t just his choice to make. He’s always thought of it that way. And yet, that choice wasn’t limited to just his family.
The boy right in front of him, hands caked in earth and grass, tears flowing down the red pupils of his face, it was his choice too. Skylar had no idea what to do but cry.
“Of course you’re worth it. But I don’t know… Cirrus. I don’t know what’s in the future. I can’t guarantee everything will be fine. What if I fuck up? What if I don’t make it? What if I end up putting my parents in debt just because I didn’t take the opportunity when it was there?”
“Then I’ll carry that burden with you. I’d even suck up to my Dad, just for you.”
“No. I won’t let you do that.”
Cirrus sighs, collapsing on his back and letting himself sink into the grass. His arm covers his eyes as if they were allergic to the moonlight. His silver hair shines but his voice is wistful. “You won’t let me do anything…”
It hurt, seeing Cirrus like that. “Hey, I-”
“Stop. I don’t wanna talk anymore.”
“I didn’t mean it like that Cirrus, it’s just, we need to think about this properly. We can’t let our emotions get the better of us just cause.”
“I don’t wanna hear it either, Skylar. Just leave. I need some time… alone” His voice cracks, at the last part.
Skylar’s hand reaches out to his lover’s arm, “Cirrus… I-”
The taller boy gets up and shoves him. Eyes bloodshot, tears flowing like the river below. “Damn it, get away from me! I don’t even wanna look at you right now, fuck!”
Cirrus kicks the other can, Skylar’s can, into the air and turns away. Sitting on the farther side of the grass. The can lands far into the body of water with a distant splash, drifting, while the other can sticks to the shore, bobbing back and forth with the waves.
Skylar can’t wipe Cirrus' look away from his mind. It was too reminiscent of a rupture from the past. In his fear and anguish, he accepts the boy’s request. “Okay…”
“I love you.” He manages to muster before turning away and making the slow trip home, the whole time, Skylar’s thoughts were muddled by the sound of his soles dragging into the ground.
***
When he gets home, his mother is by the couch, waiting for him, a tired look on her face. “Where have you been? Do you have any idea…” Her voice sinks, plodding towards her son, and brushing a thumb on his cheek. “What happened to your face?”
“It’s nothing, Mom. I just tripped on the grass.”
Her hand tucks the long tuft as his bangs behind his ear, “You’re lying. Skylar, don’t do this again. You don’t have to keep anything from me, you know that.”
“I’m sorry it’s just… I have a lot on my mind. I promise it’s nothing dangerous. Nothing like before.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.” His voice cracks infinitesimally.
Nonetheless, she senses it. Unsurprising, given she’s been through this with him before. “Why don’t you sit with me? You want some tea?”
He nods. And not long after that, they’re seated across each other by the dining table set with teacups.
“Are you sure you’re alright?” She asks again.
“Yes…”
“I understand you have a lot on your mind right now. You always did overthink ever since we got here, but I’m glad, Skylar. Glad that you’re trying so hard.” She reaches out to his son’s hand on the table, rubbing his fingers gently.
Skylar smiles, the anguish in his heart easing just a little bit.
“You know,” his mom continues, “When your father and I divorced, I don’t think my mind was ever at ease. I kept thinking about how you two were going to do at school, or whether or not you’d like what I’d be able to afford to cook for dinner once I got home.”
Skylar returns his mother’s hold, just tight enough to ease some pressure from both of them.
“I was so glad you two didn’t fight too much, but I was always worried. Sometimes I felt like I was all alone. But those thoughts will pass, Skylar. Okay? Don’t stress yourself out over everything.”
“How?”
“Hm?” She asks endearingly, encouraging him to keep talking.
“How did you do it alone?” His voice shakes even more, his heart about to give.
“Skylar…” She smiles, gets up behind his chair, and embraces him from behind. “I wasn’t alone. I had you two, didn’t I?”
The emotions swell in his heart that he doesn’t even know what to say anymore. He’s touched, but all he can think about is Cirrus. His mom had him and Ha-yeon, but who would Cirrus have if not him?
What if he really would be alone? The thought scared him to high hell, it was enough to make him tear up, his heart wrenches as if stabbed in the heart as he bursts into tears right then and there by the dining table.
“Are you okay?” His mom tightens her hold.
“Mom…” He chokes on his breath, standing up and turning to hug her for comfort. “I can’t do it. I don’t want to go to Pohang. I can’t.”
“It’s okay. It’s okay. I understand…”
“I need some fresh air.” He lies.
“Okay, just keep your phone on you.” She senses the lie, but does nothing, choosing to trust in her son.
He walks hastily towards the door, and by the time he’s out of it, with the door fully closed behind him, his legs start to quicken their pace. It turns to a jog, a sprint, eventually his legs speed into a full-blown dash, moving with reckless abandon as his mind fixates on a single destination.
The moon was now high in the sky, it cast his shadow in front of him, mirroring the desperation in his speed, it’s only then he realizes how fast he was going. And he doesn’t care, too anxious to stay static in any way possible.
As the scenery slowly shifts, the buildings getting smaller and the cemented pavement turning into bricks, his breath starts to catch, gasping while he sprints. It doesn’t stop him, neither does the racing of his heart or the shakiness of his legs.
But when the pavement turns to grass, his body starts to give, and he’s forced to slow down. He can feel his heartbeat in his ears, and his throat is so dry that each breath feels like needles going up and down his throat.
His dash turns into a light jog, staring at the line where the moonlight met the sea. By this point, he’s dripping, and when he finally reaches the riverbank, his hair is dragged down, drenched in the weight of his sweat.
Skylar clutches his knees to take a breath, and when he looks to the little slope in the earth, his heart skips a beat upon seeing a head of silver shining under the moonlight.
“Cirrus!” The boy turns, face wistful, eyes swollen and dried up with a pensive expression. Skylar walks to him and nearly collapses as he falls to one knee next to the boy huddled into a ball by the grass.
For a moment, neither of them say anything. Skylar was catching his breath, and Cirrus was perplexed.
“Why’d you come back?” Skylar could sense the hope in Cirrus’ voice, even if he tried to hide it.
“To apologize.”
“I don’t want it.”
“Please. You were right.”
Cirrus purses his lips, he looks like he wants to cry, but his face was probably out of tears for the night.
“I don’t think I can handle being away from you Cirrus, the thought of leaving you all by yourself… it hurts me.”
“I don’t need your pity. I’m not pathetic.”
“Fuck- I didn’t mean it like that…” Skylar gasps, “Hang on, let me catch my breath…”
Cirrus rolls his eyes, sighs, and turns away.
“I’m sorry. You mean so much to me Cirrus, you know that.”
Cirrus turns, facing him. His eyes light up a little. “I’m willing to do anything for you Skylar, I just need you to let me.”
“Fuck no, Cirrus.” He puts his hand on the taller boy’s shoulders, “You think this is a one-way street? I’m not about to let you sacrifice one of the best opportunities in the country just for me.”
“But-”
“I’ll follow you. I don’t care what it takes. I’ll plead to those old-ass administrators if I need to! I’m not doing this out of pity Cirrus, I’m annoyed you’d even say that. I wanna go on trips too, I could even make itineraries for our schedule. We could stare at the Han River having a picnic like you said, we could explore every part of the city,”
Cirrus’ face starts to flush, but he prevents himself from responding.
“And I haven’t even thought about how popular you’d be in college… The thought of it makes my stomach hurt… If you ever go out drinking with classmates, damn well I’ll go with you. I wanna be part of everything in your life, I wouldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for you.”
“Okay, okay I get it.” Cirrus pushes his face away, his face morphs into an upturned smile, one he couldn’t prevent.
“I’m sorry I even considered going back to my hometown…”
Cirrus shakes his head, “I shouldn’t have forced the conversation like that, I just… didn’t want to lose you.”
“And you won’t. I promise.” Skylar puts their foreheads together, “I love you, I don’t think I could even dream of doing anything else.”
A small chuckle escapes Cirrus’ lips, and then he pulls Skylar’s chin with his thumb, bringing their lips together. The warmth startles Skylar, but it doesn’t take long for him to ease into it, letting Cirrus suck on his lips while their tongues roll over each other.
His arms travel down towards the small of Cirrus’ back, pressing their bodies together, but he’s forced to pull his mouth away to catch his breath, still reeling from his sprint. “I love you,” He says between slow breaths,
“You’ve said that so many times in the past five minutes.”
“I know.” Skylar pushes the taller boy down onto the grass, crashing their mouths together again as his body sinks onto Cirrus’, the boy shudders under his touch, and rolls them over the slope so that he’s on top, but he misjudges, and they tumble down the slope of the riverbank, and straight into the shore.
Skylar unclasps himself from his partner and is quick to remove his glasses and his phone from his pocket, setting them on the grass. His pants and the back of his shirt are drenched, but his phone was safe, thankfully.
Cirrus is even more soaked than he was, but he just laughs. “We’re all wet now… It’s so cold too.”
Skylar sighs, “Let’s head back home, I don’t want you getting sick.”
“Better idea, let’s go for a swim.”
“Are you nuts?” Skylar stands himself up, wringing the water from his shirt. “If we get sick we won’t be able to- Hey!”
Cirrus had gotten up and pushed Skylar into the water. He lands with a splash before Cirrus jumps in right after.
The sudden onset of cold water shocks his skin, and he shivers as he yells, “Are you insane?!”
“Oh come on, it’s not that bad!”
“Yes it is! I’m freezing!” Skylar jitters as he floats, and Cirrus can only laugh at the site.
“Come here,” He swims closer, “Stick close to me, it’s warmer that way.”
Taking his advice, Skylar sticks as close to Cirrus’ body as he possibly can, letting their points of contact stabilize his condition as they stick to the water.
“This is nice…”
Skylar catches his breath and sighs, “Yeah.”
Cirrus pulls away and lets himself float in the water, lying in it with his eyes to the sky, as if to sleep.
Skylar does the same, linking their hands as the slow waves move them back and forth. The moon is directly above them in the sky now, a sign of midnight. His mom was probably looking for him, but he’d just explain what he could by tomorrow.
“Cirrus.”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t think I can live without you anymore. I don’t even wanna dream of it.”
“Me neither.”
No more words were needed, all that was left was silence, save for the sound of two cans by the shore, clanking together with the waves.
The water washes over both of them. Skylar knows they’re drifting into the unknown, hand in hand. But on that midsummer night, he leaves everything to the discretion of their love, as they listened to the moon.
Nothing else would matter, as long as they were together.