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Neil had been pacing his and Todd's dorm room for the better part of an hour. The building was quiet, the hour late, yet Neil was still awake. He had gotten a role in another play and was carefully and dutifully going over his lines, again, getting the inflection just right, and doing his best to understand the character. But there was something about this one specific line that frustrated him to no end, his annoyance coming out as quick pacing and a furrowed brow.
“I love you,” he tried again. His voice was starting to sound foreign to his own ears. It was pitched strangely and had all the romance and affection one might have for a piece of trash on the sidewalk or a particularly irritating bit of lint. “I love you.” When was the last time he had even said those words? To his mother, perhaps? Years ago, when they first brought him to Hell-ton? It's not that he didn’t love his parents- well, maybe not his father. Liar, his mind supplied, He’s your father. Your dad. You love him. Despite it all. Neil felt now was not the time to unpack that. He hated his father and he loved him and he hoped he never saw him again and he wished his father would say- “I love you.”
He loves his friends, of course. He would do anything for them, and Neil knows they’d do anything for him. Still, it’s not like he said those words to them. But it's also not like he would refuse to, he's just afraid it would come across as insincere.
“I love you.” The words fit clumsily in his mouth, like a child learning their first words. He knows, logically, that on the stage he is not sincerely telling his scene partner that he loves them, but he needs the audience to believe him- and how can he make the audience believe his words if he sounds so- so flat? Neil groans in frustration.
When had he been told those words? He thinks of his parents again. He subsequently banishes said thought.
Neil halts in his pacing, gazing out the window for a moment, before sitting heavily on his bed with a sigh. He tosses the script next to him, the stubborn line staring at him mockingly. His irritation is making his skin crawl, as he rubs his arms covered with his green sweater aggressively, trying to rid himself of the feeling.
He stares at his roommate's empty bed, Todd had gone to the Dead Poets meeting without Neil, as he wanted to focus on his play. He regrets having not gone now, making no progress with his line, not getting to spend time appreciating poetry and laughing with his friends, and now missing Todd. God, I miss him, and it’s only been a few hours. Shit.
There’s a muffled sound of movement in the hallway and Neil feels his body tense. He quickly reaches for the lamp on his desk, not wanting a reprimand for staying up way past curfew, but his movement is cut short when Todd quickly and quietly moves into the room, shutting the door carefully behind him. Todd only startles a lot when he turns and sees his roommate awake, Neil pretends not to laugh at him.
“Jesus, Neil- Why are you still up?” Todd asks, shedding his coat, a dark sweater and his slacks underneath, moving to sit on his own bed, right across from Neil, who smiles at him despite his frustration. Neil sighs for what feels like the millionth time that night.
“I swear I've tried every way of saying this line, and no matter what it comes out wrong! How am I supposed to be an actor if I can’t even get a simple ‘I love you’ right? Why does it feel like I’m trying to speak a whole new language?” Halfway through his short tirade, Neils had jumped up, gesturing wildly. “I love acting, Todd, I love my friends and my mom and poetry and our meetings at the cave but I just- I can’t say ‘I love you’!”
Todd watches his closest friend spiral for a moment, fairly sure he's once again in his own world of anxious thoughts, as it takes Todd a few calls of his name for Neil to look over with upset and wide brown eyes. Todd has to refocus for a moment, having to stop himself from getting lost in his expressiveness.
“What if I go over your lines with you?”
“What?”
“Your- your lines. C'mon, give me the script, maybe running the lines with someone will help.”
“Todd, no offense, but we’ve had rehearsal before, I’ve gone over these lines already.”
“Then what's the problem?”
“The problem? The- Everyone thinks it's fine! But I know it can be better, I know it.”
“Okay, so go over it with someone who hasn’t heard you say it and can give the feedback only someone who knows nothing about theatre can give.” Neil tilts his head questioningly, and Todd bites back a smile at the mannerism.
“Me, Neil,” Todd says softly, amused. Neil pauses for a moment before figuring there’s truly no harm in running lines with Todd, it’s not like they hadn’t done it for A Midsummer Night’s Dream, so he tosses the script to him, not needing it as a reference.
“The line I’m on is highlighted toward the bottom, just read the line before it, alright?” Todd hums his understanding, happy Neil agreed, and skims the page.
Todd clears his throat a bit, and reads, “I don’t think I understand, what are you trying to say?”
Neil is unlike any actor Todd has ever seen. The way he becomes the character, his body language adjusts, and he is still Neil Perry, but he is also the character he was assigned. Both exist in their room as if they were two separate beings. Todd stares in wonder, and he hasn’t even said his line yet. Neil looks into his eyes, “I love you.” Todd freezes for a moment, not expecting such direct eye contact. He files the words away to recall later a bit shamefully, ignoring how warm they make him feel.
However, despite the wonder and warmth, Todd sees what Neil means. The delivery wasn’t bad, it was great, even, yet it’s like something was missing. Todd tells him as much.
“I know! What do you think I should change?” Neil implores, pacing again, back and forth in front of his still sitting roommate. He reminds Todd of a caged animal. Todd thinks the sincerity in Neil's question is sweet, considering the little information Todd knows about acting and the world of theatre.
“Just- try it again,” Todd says placatingly. “I don’t think I understand, what are you trying to say?”
“I love you.”
“Again.” Neil begins to think there may have been harm in letting Todd help.
“I love you.” Todd begins to think he should not have tried to help.
“Again.”
“I love you.” The words are coming out more and more fondly.
“Again.” Todd valiantly tries to not let his voice shake.
“I love you.” Neil's smile grows wider with each repeat, his voice warmer.
“Again.”
“I love you.” Neil is closing the short distance between them, slowly, as if approaching a wounded animal. The metaphor fits Todd well, Neil thinks. Todd's eyes are wide and he’s looking at Neil as if he's hung the moon and stars. Neil would if he could.
“Again.”
“I love you.”
“Again.” Neil is even closer to Todd now, nearly standing between his legs, Todd cranes his neck up a bit to look at him, his hands twitch, resisting reaching out to touch.
“I love you.”
“Again.” Todd’s voice shakes now. Neil stares at him, his eyes scanning each feature on his face as if looking for a specific tell. He must find whatever it is he's looking for, as his eyes flick to his lips before locking onto his eyes again.
“I love you.” He is fully standing between Todd's legs now, mind blanking as Todd seems to process this, and a pretty red floods his cheeks and tips of his ears.
Todd feels breathless now and thinks Carpe Diem quickly as one hand rests on his leg and the other travels up to Neil's waist. He prays he hasn’t misread anything. “Again,” he whispers.
“I love you.” His voice is full of emotion now, affection and fondness dripping from his words. Neil tentatively raises both hands to cup Todd's face, doing a quick thumb stroke over his cheeks. There is still a sheen of hesitance in Todd's eyes, but pure want seems to be outweighing it. Neil knows the look is reflected in his own face, but God does he want. Todd goes to say ‘again’, once more but Neil cuts him off.
“Todd.”
“Neil.”
“No, I mean-“
“What are you trying to say?” Neil's lip quirks upward at the reference to the lines.
“I love you, Todd.”
The grip Todd has on his waist grows tighter and his face splits into the happiest smile Neil has ever seen on him and he just can't wait anymore so-
“Todd, can I ki-“ Todd grabs the front of his green sweater and pulls him into a kiss, their teeth clashing for a moment before Neil pulls back slightly. They take only a moment to find the right angle, and Neil thinks he must have died and gone to Heaven. The room is quiet, the quiet noises of their kiss loud in Neil’s ears. Not that he pays it much mind, a chorus of I love him, and I could do this forever almost drowning it out.
Neil drags one hand to Todd's neck, the other running through his hair. Todd's grip on the front of his shirt has not loosened even a little, seeming hellbent on having Neil as physically close as possible. They get even closer when they pull apart, breathless and having already been leaned over at a slightly awkward angle, Neil loses his balance, quickly deciding the best course of action was to use his momentum to push Todd down on the bed and clamber over him. Neil looks down at Todd at where he’s straddling him, the both of them panting lightly as their emotions run high, and suddenly Neil realizes he’s happy. Deliriously happy. He laughs quietly for a moment before he bursts into a loud fit of giggles.
Todd stares in amazement and can't help joining. Neil falls forward and puts his head on Todd's chest, the vibrations of Todd's laughter only causing him to become even happier, he's always loved Todd's laugh, especially when it's loud.
The laughter slowly dies down and they both lie on the bed properly, Todd cozying up to Neil and burying his face in Neil’s neck, nipping at the skin before placing a small kiss. Neil shivers and runs a hand up and down Todd’s back.
“I really do love you. Probably since I've met you. I knew for sure when Keating made you make up that poem about a madman on the spot,” Neil recalls fondly. He thinks about how right the words fit in his mouth now. Like they were waiting to be told to the right person. He can't see but he can feel Todd's smile against his neck, his words coming out muffled.
“I love you too, also since I met you, there was just… something about you. How alive and expressive you are, I think. Like a poem come to life. I think I've waited my whole life for something spectacular to happen to me, to just fix everything I see as wrong about- about me. And… and I think meeting you was the first step in realizing I have to make those things happen, that I have to try to reach out for what I want. Being afraid is so easy but watching you is like- like even if it's easier I can and should try to be brave instead. You make everything look like it comes so naturally to you, but I've also seen how hard you work. So, I just- I don’t know. You make it easier for me to take that first step. Which is really just- it’s just one of the reasons I fell in love with you.” The last part comes out in a rush and mumbled, but Neil still heard it clear as day. He's glad Todd can't see him with his jaw dropped.
“Oh,” Neil responds intelligently. Obviously, they had already confessed their love, but hearing how he inspires Todd has Neil’s eyes a bit wet. Todd chooses then to lift his head up from where his face was buried against Neil's neck and props it on his chest.
“Oh Neil- I didn’t mean to-“
“No, Todd, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m happy! God I- Todd I can't express myself like you do, you have the heart of a poet and a creativity I've never been more grateful to witness. I was having so much trouble with these lines because, well, I’m not really used to the words. But saying them to you is as easy as breathing, and I can't help but say them. I mean it each more every time I say it. I love you. I love you. I love you.” Todd almost cuts him off when he leans in for another kiss, chaste at first, before quickly growing heated. Todd bites Neil's bottom lip which causes the latter to let out a quiet groan in the back of his throat. The kiss is biting and smiles pressed against smiles and teeth clacking and neither boy could ask for anything better.
A few weeks from then, Neil delivers the simple line in a way that doesn’t even allow him to critique himself at all harshly, and Todd is the first to stand clapping at the end.