Work Text:
Characters
CHARLIE SPRING
THERAPIST voice from the OFF
Setting
The THERAPIST's office
Stage
One chair center stage. In front a table with a water bottle and a glass and a box of tissues, all of it lit by a spot. The rest of the stage is dimly lit, almost dark. The back of the stage is completely dark.
In this scene we only see CHARLIE. The THERAPIST is never seen, only heard.
THERAPIST
kind, but very professional
Good morning, Charlie.
Nervous muttering is heard.
Charlie, don't be afraid. You know how this works. Come, take a seat.
CHARLIE
slowly steps into the light from the back of the stage. When he is in full light he pauses, looks a moment to the audience, then sits down.
THERAPIST
Thank you for being here.
CHARLIE
I guess...
THERAPIST
So, what would you like to talk about today? Is there something on your mind?
CHARLIE
shrugs and looks down. Fidgets nervously.
THERAPIST
I see.
Silence
THERAPIST
Would you like me to suggest a topic for this session?
CHARLIE
nods, still looking down. He sits on his hands. Nervous fidgeting continues.
THERAPIST
Last time we talked about your mother. Anything you would like to add?
CHARLIE
shakes his head emphatically, still looking down
THERAPIST
Charlie, please look at me.
CHARLIE
slowly looks up and into the audience
THERAPIST
I noticed that your boyfriend dropped you off this morning.
CHARLIE
nods, smiling a little
THERAPIST
Mind if we talk about him?
CHARLIE
looking relieved, nods
THERAPIST
So, tell me about him. What's his name?
CHARLIE
Nick
THERAPIST
How did you and Nick meet?
CHARLIE
smiling In school.
THERAPIST
Okay. And what kind of a person is he?
CHARLIE
smile becomes wider He's great!
THERAPIST
What makes him great?
CHARLIE
sounding a little unsure Many things! I mean...he's just...he's...just...Nick, I suppose. He's kind, and honest, and brave, and strong... I mean, he figured himself out to be with me. He's just so brave, and...and...Pause, barely audible now and really beautiful. I mean...his smile – when he smiles the whole room just lights up and there's nothing but his smile. And that smile - I'm – I'm proud because – because I know that I'm the reason he's smiling.
THERAPIST
Hmm. Is he intelligent?
CHARLIE
Oh yeah!! I mean – not only with school stuff I mean, he's not as good as me in school, but..., you know, he's just so good with...people stuff, I guess? I mean, he...he really understands things. He understands me...he understands himself. He is, like, he’s very kind of sure of who he is, of who he wants to be. And I admire that about him, I really do!
THERAPIST
Do you know who you want to be? Do you know who you are?
CHARLIE
Oh, I know who I am! I’m – I'm the gay kid at school! I'm – I'm deep sigh – I'm the loser.
THERAPIST
Why do you say that?
CHARLIE
Because...erm...oohhh- because no matter what I do he still ... believes in me, you know? silent , thinking He believes I can change.
THERAPIST
Do you want to change?
CHARLIE
nods
THERAPIST
Why do you want to change?
CHARLIE
For him, I guess.
THERAPIST
Do you think Nick would want you to change for him?
CHARLIE
silent for a while
I guess not.
THERAPIST
What do you think he would want instead?
CHARLIE
to himself, barely audible
He would want me to be happy. Erm, yeah, I guess...
THERAPIST
Do you want to be happy, Charlie?
CHARLIE
looks into audience
Yeah
THERAPIST
Are you happy now?
CHARLIE
getting nervous, looking around, muttering
THERAPIST
Charlie?
CHARLIE
closes his eyes, shakes his head slowly. Shrugs.
I – ehm –I guess...I mean I should be?
THERAPIST
But you're not?
CHARLIE
eyes closed, shuddering
I...
THERAPIST
It's okay, Charlie, we'll come back to this question later. Let's talk about Nick for a moment. You just told me that he would want you to be happy.
CHARLIE
Yeah...
THERAPIST
Anything else you think he might want?
CHARLIE
I think he wants me to – erm – I – I think he wants me to love myself. Yeah, I guess...I think he would want me to see myself as he does.
THERAPIST
And how does he see you?
CHARLIE
He --- oh god, this is going to sound dumb as hell --- but...he thinks I'm amazing. He values my courage, my---my strength...my...my kindness...
THERAPIST
Do you see yourself like that?
CHARLIE
No, no way, definitely not! I'm not like that, I know I'm not!
THERAPIST
Then why do you think he sees you like that anyway?
CHARLIE
Because...because he loves me?
THERAPIST
And why do you think that is?
Long silence, CHARLIE stares into the audience.
CHARLIE
Maybe because he sees me like that.
THERAPIST
But that's not you, is it?
CHARLIE
No.
THERAPIST
So, do you think Nick loves you? I mean, the real you?
CHARLIE
He doesn't. Pause He doesn't know the real me.
THERAPIST
But what if he does? What if the way he sees you is the real you?
CHARLIE
That can't be true. No....No, it can t... (looks into audience, unsure) Can it?
THERAPIST
I can't answer that question for you, Charlie.
CHARLIE
Silently I know.
THERAPIST
Let´s come back to something you said earlier. You told me Nick believes in you?
CHARLIE
opens eyes Yeah, he does.
THERAPIST
How does that make you feel?
CHARLIE
sighs I – erm – I don't know – I mean – happy, I guess?
THERAPIST
Why do you think Nick believes in you?
CHARLIE
silent, shrugs
THERAPIST
Do you want him to believe in you?
CHARLIE
looks into the audience, silent No.
THERAPIST
Why do you not want him to believe in you?
CHARLIE
breathing heavily, holding back tears I- erm – god! – oh – I –
THERAPIST
Charlie, it's okay, just take your time and sit with this question for a while. Why do you not want him to believe in you?
CHARLIE
silent, then with a sigh gets up and moves to the back of the stage until he is barely visible, takes a deep breath, back turned to the audience, then speaks bitterly Because I'm gonna disappoint him. (He turns, faces the audience) Yeah, I'm gonna disappoint him.
THERAPIST
Why?
CHARLIE
barely audible Because I always do.
THERAPIST
You always disappoint Nick?
CHARLIE
I always disappoint people.
THERAPIST
So you're also going to disappoint Nick?
CHARLIE
nods, eyes closed
THERAPIST
And what do you think he will do when you disappoint him?
CHARLIE
He'll leave me. And that's why I'm the loser, you see?
THERAPIST
Are you afraid that he is going to leave you?
CHARLIE
I know that he's going to leave me! I mean, one day...when he finds out...
THERAPIST
What could he find out that is going to make him leave you?
CHARLIE
For the following monologue, CHARLIE is wandering nervously around the stage, sometimes vanishing into black
I...hm...grrr...so...you know, Nick, he's just like – I don't know – he sees me as...oh boy...he sees all those things in me, like...he thinks I'm amazing and cool and...and...strong ---But he's wrong! I – I know he's wrong, I mean, I'm – I'm just ---- not, you know? And one day...one day when he figures out who or what I really am...one day he's going to figure that out. He's gonna figure out that I'm nothing like what he sees in me. And then... then he's gonna leave me. And I will have...I will have lost him.
THERAPIST
But that hasn't happened yet, has it?
CHARLIE
No, no, of course not! ... Of course not...
THERAPIST
And does he give you any reason to believe that this is going to happen?
CHARLIE
No!...No – no way! I mean...erm...he's always-kind of...planning our future, you see? He's just always...like... telling me how much he loves me and...and...oh god, angrily he's just always so nice to me! Soft, sad Too nice. Long Pause It's just so difficult for me to believe him sometimes...I think...because...
THERAPIST
Why do you find it so hard to believe him?
CHARLIE
I don't know...erm...ahh...I..it's hard to explain – erm.. I think I long pause I think I taught him something about himself, you see? Well...erm...I suppose...yeah...not I taught him. He figured something out about himself because of me...because he wanted to be with me, because...er...he...he fell in love with me, and I---I was kind of there for him, I guess? But...erm...yeah – and he needed me! Yeah, I guess he did...and now... long pause
THERAPIST
And now?
CHARLIE
Now...now that he's...I'm not sure...I guess he doesn't...need me anymore, you know?
THERAPIST
So, you're afraid that he's going to leave you because he doesn't need you anymore?
CHARLIE
Not really, no...I mean...
THERAPIST
What are you afraid of, Charlie?
CHARLIE
I don't...erm...I don't know....it's...it's just --- he's just so...patient with me all the time, he's so...loving. Like, he's always saying the right things, he's always doing the right things...I guess he's ... oh god...I guess he's my... my knight in shining armor. I know that sounds silly, but...
THERAPIST
Sounds nice
CHARLIE
Yeah...yeah, it is...I guess...till you wake up.
THERAPIST
Do you want to wake up?
CHARLIE
bitterly Everybody does in the end, don't they? I mean....Stuff like that, it....it just doesn't happen, you know? Not – not to me...
Silence
THERAPIST
Do you trust Nick's judgement, Charlie?
CHARLIE
Of course I do! Yeah, I mean, he's so...he just has so many thoughts about stuff, he is so full of opinions! He always thinks about...about people, like – like my friends. He's always trying to make everyone happy, he's always trying to... to connect to people. He is just always - trying to make things better, to make people feel better.
THERAPIST
And does he make you feel better?
CHARLIE
Definitely – all the time! Like – like he's always there for me, he always – he always catches me when I fall.
THERAPIST
So, you do trust his judgement?
CHARLIE
Yeah, of course I do!!
THERAPIST
And what is his judgement about you?
CHARLIE
Why are you asking?
THERAPIST
Well, I just want to know. I want you to know. What is Nick's judgement about you, Charlie?
CHARLIE
Erm – I mean – I already told you...
THERAPIST
Tell me again!
CHARLIE
He – he thinks I'm amazing. He – he thinks I'm kind, and strong, and beautiful. gets more animated while he is talking He sees me as this incredible person, this super intelligent and awesome gay nerd, someone he can trust and love and cherish. He – he kind of – erm, sees me – like – like ... like I'm his knight in shining armour?
THERAPIST
And you do trust his judgement, right?
CHARLIE
slowly Yeah...
THERAPIST
Then why don't you trust his judgement about you?
Long silence
CHARLIE
I – I just – erm – I don't – I mean I can't... Clearly drifting into a panic attack
THERAPIST
Charlie, Charlie, listen to me. It's okay, nothing's going to happen to you, just relax and breathe with me. Synchronised breathing, Charlie calms down
CHARLIE
flatly I'm just so tired.
THERAPIST
I know, Charlie, I know. But we're here to work through stuff. I know it's hard and exhausting and painful, but just bear with me, okay?
CHARLIE
Yeah, I know.
THERAPIST
Charlie, I need you to stay with me a bit longer. Just try and answer my question. Why don't you trust Nick's judgement about you?
CHARLIE
I – I don't know...erm...pfff...I, it's pause it's just --- too much!
THERAPIST
What is?
CHARLIE
angry I don't know, okay, I don't know!! His love for me, his kindness, his patience, his trust in me...I feel like it's choking me sometimes...it's just --- yeah, it's just too much...
THERAPIST
Why is it too much, Charlie?
CHARLIE
Silence, followed by a furious outburst Because I don't deserve it, okay?!?!?!
Pause
THERAPIST
What would you like Nick to do instead?
CHARLIE
I...exhale...I – erm – I guess, see me? Like, see me how I really am?
THERAPIST
But you said you do trust his judgement.
CHARLIE
Confused Yeah, why?
THERAPIST
Because if you do trust his judgement and his judgement about you, then maybe how he sees you – is - the real you?
CHARLIE
But it's a lie!! It's a lie, I know it is!! And one day, one day sooner or later he's going to find out...he's going to find out that none of this, none of me, is real, and then it's gonna, it's gonna break him, and he's going to hate me and leave me and wish that he'd never met me!! Pause, heavy breathing And l'll be alone again...
THERAPIST
So, you're basically saying that you are convinced that it's not going to last?
CHARLIE
I know it's not going to last, I mean, it's – it's just too perfect to last, there's no way...I'm not – I'm not that perfect guy he sees in me, I'm not brilliant or awesome or cool...
THERAPIST
Do you think Nick is perfect?
CHARLIE
What? Well...I mean...I suppose not...erm...he...no, I guess, well, nobody is perfect, and he would be the first to say that he’s not, I mean, he doesn't always make the right decisions, he doesn't always know what to do or say, he...he sometimes gets angry, or frustrated, I mean...I guess that's ...erm... just what people do ...
THERAPIST
But the way you were talking about him made him sound pretty perfect.
CHARLIE
Pause No, I mean ... I guess what I meant is...he is kind of perfect...for me?
THERAPIST
Maybe he thinks about you the same way?
CHARLIE
You mean like I'm perfect for him?
THERAPIST
Yeah, that's exactly what I mean. Couldn't it be that he means perfect in the same way you do?
CHARLIE
Well...yeah...I suppose, I mean...But...Okay, look, I know I've helped him, okay? And I know that he thinks he wouldn't have been able to go through this without me, but... but he...he would...he would have been! He doesn't...he doesn't need me! I mean...why? Why would he....like, ever...need someone like... like me? He doesn't need...all of...all of this, I mean, he shouldn't ... I know he said he wanted to be there for me, that he wanted to support me to ... to help me ... through all of it, but ... but he shouldn't...
THERAPIST
Did he tell you that it's too much for him? That you are too much for him?
CHARLIE
Well, no! He wouldn't! He would never...He could never...he could never be that...that cruel...
THERAPIST
Why then are you this cruel to yourself?
Silence. CHARLIE stares into audience
THERAPIST
Okay, Charlie, listen, we're almost done for today. But before we end it here I'd like to give you a task.
CHARLIE
You mean like...like homework?
THERAPIST
Yes, exactly, homework for your therapy.
CHARLIE
Okay...
THERAPIST
I want you to write a letter. Just a letter. I want you to write a letter to yourself. Tell yourself all the things that are amazing about you, that you love about yourself. And if it helps you, imagine you are Nick, Nick who's writing a love letter to his boyfriend.
CHARLIE
You want me to write a love letter to myself?
THERAPIST
Exactly.
CHARLIE
That sounds...weird
THERAPIST
Yeah, I guess it does. But trust me on this, okay? Just – write the letter and bring it along next time. If you want to, we can talk about it. And if you don't, then we won't.
CHARLIE
What are we going to talk about?
THERAPIST
Whatever you need, Charlie. Whatever you need.