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It had been two years, Izaya noted. It had been two years since the old Izaya Orihara died. It also had been two years long since the word goodbye pierced his ears from the other end of the line.
The raven haired male sighed; his breath came in a puff of white dancing in the cold air of December. His hands were gripping loosely on the safety rail that surrounded the rooftop, the metal felt too cold to his liking, but weird thing was that he wasn’t even bothered by that.
He looked up to the monochromatic sky and remembered that the first snow would likely to fall that night. Dominated by gray, the cloud was embracing the sky of Ikebukuro and chasing away the stars. Fur hood was waving in gentle motion as the wind passed by while the owner was somehow in a trance.
So many things had happened, and so many things had been lost.
He knew he was no longer the same person as he was two years ago, both mentally and physically. Giving up was hard, he realized. But letting go was even harder. After going through rehabilitation and silent thinking, he finally decided it was about time to do the latter.
Thus, him being on the rooftop of Raira Academy—his old school—in New Year Eve was a part of the first step to achieve that. Just to settle things, he kept reminding himself. His serene thoughts came to a halt when a certain blond in bartender outfit jumped in through the front gate, looking right and left frantically as if searching for something, or someone.
His lips quickly turned upward into a coy smile which had lost its menace. Izaya turned around and leaned his back on the rail; hand found its way to his phone. Sliding its screen, the bright light illuminated his tired face as the phone had been successfully unlocked. He pressed a group of familiar numbers that he remembered by heart before pressing the phone to his ear.
Meanwhile on the ground, Shizuo—with the usual scowl and blue-tinted glasses on his face—felt his phone vibrated. Cursing under his breath, the blond pulled the annoying gadget out of his pants pocket. There was incoming call from unknown number, and Shizuo growled. He didn’t have time for this, especially after he heard certain news from Celty.
Feeling that familiar tugging at his gut, Shizuo decided to pick it up.
“Shizu-chan, it’s been a while~”
A sing-song voice which he immediately recognized came from the other end of the line. Shizuo tried so hard not to grip too hard as that was already the second phone he bought in a month.
“Flea...” The blond gritted his teeth.
He thought he had had better control of his temper already seeing two years had passed. But, he was proven wrong.
Izaya chuckled, amused.
“Did you miss me so badly that you immediately search for me as soon as you heard the news that I came back?”
Because I do.
Inhaling deeply to calm his nerves, Shizuo asked back.
“Flea... where are you?”
The blond knew he had to stay calm. He didn’t come after the raven for a fight after all.
“Where do you think I am?” Came the respond.
“I ain’t playing your game,” Shizuo grunted.
A brief silence came for a bit before a sigh could be heard.
Snowflakes came dancing down to the freezing ground, and Izaya found himself staring back at the sky. His hand pulled the hood up his head to cover his ears from the cold and wondered if he could really do this.
“Shizu-chan... you better stay where you are.”
“Tch, why should I listen to you?!”
Izaya chuckled again at the obvious angry tone, “Good question! Why, indeed... But Shizu-chan, I don’t really want to see your face up close right now.”
I can’t meet you.
A vein popped up on the blond’s head upon hearing that.
His mocha eyes caught a glimpse of fur-trimmed jacket leaning closely to the railing on the rooftop and a smirk found its way to his face.
“Oh, you’re gonna see my face whether you like it or not!”
“Really, Shizu-chan was so stubborn! But that’s so very like you!”
“’sides, if you really don’t want to see my face, you wouldn’t tell Shinra about you coming back here knowing he would pass the news to Celty and then to me, huh? And you wouldn’t call me as soon as I arrived here and wouldn’t stand on the obvious place wearing that annoying jacket as if telling me to come find you.”
After knocking the front door off its hinges, Shizuo dashed to the stairs. Fortunately, two years without chasing the flea didn’t make him lose his speed.
“So, you’re assuming I really want to meet you, eh?” Izaya snorted.
“What’s so funny, flea?!”
“The answer is both correct and wrong!”
“Huh? The fuck do you mean by that?!”
Izaya smiled a bit sadly this time as he heard Shizuo tried to catch his breath, possibly from running.
Because I’m a coward.
“Hey, Shizuo, won’t you hear me out?”
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
The use of his real name made Shizuo halt for a bit. Not to mention, the tone Izaya used caught him off guard.
“Pretend the one calling you right now is stranger. And this stranger has something to tell you, Shizuo.”
It was casual, yet so soft—the kind of tone that left you bare for the world to see, throwing all the pretense and defense. From what Shizuo knew, it was not the tone Izaya Orihara liked to use.
“Shizuo Heiwajima, there’s a message for you from Izaya orihara.”
A brief pause appeared before the unusual tone came back.
“He said he’s been wrong all this time, or maybe too afraid to admit it, but this time... currently, presently, in this minute and this second... he views you as a human. All this time, you’ve always been human, more human than anyone else. And it’s such a shame you never know your real worth.”
A sigh was audible through the phone, and Shizuo didn’t know what to say.
He realized he didn’t know this Izaya. All the familiarity, the image of Izaya orihara he held so strongly in his head had crumbled.
The feeling of uncertainty immediately washed over him, triggering him to keep running, running, and running upstairs to see the truth.
What’s wrong with you, flea?!
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
“And with that the message came to an end. Shizu-chan, are you still there?”
The blond didn’t say anything. Shaky breaths and heavy footsteps were the only answer Izaya could grasp.
Stay there, flea! You better stay still until I get there!
“Oh, and one more thing, Shizu-chan. That time you have said your goodbye if i recalled. So, this time, it’s my turn.”
The respond didn’t come right away as Shizuo wasn’t used to multitasking; running and panicking were a bad combination.
“...What do you mean?!”
Izaya turned around again, facing the school yard through the railing. He smiled, genuinely this time as he felt the weight on his shoulders and his heart had lessened and lessened, almost completely gone.
“Worry not, Shizu-chan. Start from tomorrow morning, I will no longer be in Ikebukuro anymore. In fact, I will no longer be in Japan.”
At the end of the sentence, Shizuo felt a pang on his heart.
“So, yes, this is goodbye.”
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start
A metallic taste came upon his tasting bud. Shizuo didn’t even realize he bit his lip too hard it was bleeding. But, at the moment, he was too numb to even feel anything—or maybe, to even care.
No, he couldn’t let it go like this. He didn’t want to let him go a second time.
He found it around a year ago. Whatever it was that he was feeling toward Izaya, it made him feel empty inside. Especially with the realization that the raven haired male had left for real after their death match and probably sustained heavy injuries.
His whole body would go numb and he would become jittery every time a person with fur-trimmed jacket walked past him in Ikebukuro.
Despite what his friends said, he could never forget Izaya.
And now he’s just going to say goodbye just like that?! No way in hell would I let him do as he pleases!
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Izaya recalled to how they were first introduced. It went so bad he almost chuckled bitterly at that. No matter what he did, Shizuo never give him a chance. Even in the possibility of 1%, Shizuo refused to trust him.
The rejection hurt, and Izaya was bad at whatever hurting his heart. So, he did the most reasonable thing to do: claiming he hated Shizuo Heiwajima the most while laughing at whomever said they could had gotten along well—including Shinra—if not for the pride and stubbornness involved.
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
He did take out all his anger of being rejected back at Shizuo. Either by little pranks or even went as far as framing him.
Izaya auto-brainwashed himself that he wanted Shizuo out of his life by repeating his ‘famous reasoning’: he only loved humans, meanwhile Shizuo was a monster, and Izaya couldn’t love monster.
But, there were times he couldn’t help but questioning the possibility of their relationship. If he changed their dynamic, would Shizuo give him a second chance? Would it really work, the whatever thing between them?
The realization that came afterward left him with bitter fear. The one human emotion he had always avoided as he claimed himself above ordinary humans had seeped deeply into him, into his heart. The more he denied, the stronger it got.
Izaya hated it. It made him feel weak.
Now that he had accepted it all, along with his lost, he felt more alive than before. His weaknesses had turned into his new strength.
“Shizu-chan, this is my last request... please do not open the door and go back home.”
“You know, flea... if you want to say something—“
There was a loud bam and the door to the rooftop was flying 10 meters up in the air.
“—THEN SAY IT TO MY FACE DIRECTLY, DAMMIT!!”
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh, and I rush to the start
Izaya’s shock state remained no longer than 5 seconds as his calm facade returned. Now that he was coming face to face with Shizuo, he realized there was no turning back.
“Shizu-chan is really as stubborn as ever.”
“And you’re as annoying as ever!” Shizuo growled angrily.
The familiar smirk decorated the former informant’s face, “Then, I’m glad some things haven’t changed.”
“Done with your shitty talking, flea? Now’s my turn.”
Shizuo took a few steps ahead which brought him closer to the cornered raven-haired male.
“What is it? Shizu-chan is too eager to see me? How endearing. It’s a shame, really, that I could no longer play with you.”
Shizuo’s eyebrow knitted together in confusion, “What the fuck are you talking again, Izaya?”
Izaya smiled a bit sadly at the used-to-be his nemesis. Oh, how he missed seeing his face up close.
“I quitted parkour and threw away my switchblades. So rest assured, Shizu-chan is completely safe!”
He shrugged with the smirk back on, trying to be as nonchalant as possible.
Opposite to the raven, Shizuo looked taken aback by it. The guilt, which was eating him alive in the past two years returned with double the amount.
“Is it because of—“
“—Oh please, don’t flatter yourself, Shizu-chan! I was merely bored with knives and my parkour skill has become rusty, so I decided to not use it anymore~”
Lies. Even Shizuo knew they were lies.
His hands balled to a fist and he casted his mocha eyes downward, trying to find the right words to say as the guilt became more and more unbearable.
“Look, fle—Izaya... I...”
The rest of the sentence died in his throat. Scratching his head in annoyance, Shizuo cursed at his own incapability to smooth things out.
“What is it, Shizu-chan? Cat got your tongue?”
Slim eyebrow rose at him mockingly, and Shizuo started to countdown from ten. Dealing with Izaya was always nerve-wrecking, be it in the past or in the present.
“I don’t know, okay! I don’t fucking know how to explain, but this is killing me! I mean... you’re killing me!”
Shizuo closed his eyes and took a deep breath before finally looking right into vermillion eyes firmly.
“What do you really want from me, Izaya? No matter how many times I drove you away, you always came back! And even when you disappeared two years ago, I still couldn’t get away from you—it’s like... it’s like you’re haunting me! So, tell me, what do you really want from me?”
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Izaya Orihara and Shizuo Heiwajima were archenemies. Their relationship reeked of heavy rivalry and strong obsession. One couldn’t let go of his injured pride and the other was just bad at dealing with his temper. The only similarity between them was that the lethal pair shoved away anything else when the other came into sight.
It was like, subconsciously, they were each other’s priority.
The pattern came in repeated cycle, over and over again in a seemingly endless chasing. In their cat and mouse game, they were the only players—two kids in adults’ bodies.
Izaya and Shizuo’s relationship started in a chase, triggered by mere curiosity and adrenaline.
Then two years ago, it ended with a chase too, triggered by anger and desperation.
Destined or not, at the present time, they started the chase again, triggered by final decision and shocking news. Only this time, it was a little different.
Because there were hearts involved.
Izaya knew the moment Shizuo barged into the door, his mask would crack again. The question the blond threw at him froze him on the spot.
What did he really want from Shizuo? Of course, he immediately knew the answer. It was easy, but to actually say it out loud was another matter.
“Answer me, Izaya... or cat actually got your tongue?”
Looking rather displeased at the comeback, Izaya huffed to neutralize the weird feeling the blond gave him.
In the cold weather, his nose and cheeks tainted with shade of red. Izaya had always been bad at dealing with cold. It always made him tremble despite the self-control he was so proud of.
Ah, I see… just like dealing with Shizu-chan.
The raven-haired male shoved his hands to his jacket pocket. Vermillion eyes were looking everywhere but the blond before him.
“What do I really want from you, eh?”
A second chance.
“It’s been a little too late for that, Shizuo.”
Shizuo grew silent again, his charming mocha-brown eyes observed the raven calmly—an opposite to the rapid beating of his heart.
Two years not seeing Izaya made the moment seemed so unreal for him—his face with unfamiliar expression, his petite figure which had become thinner, and his attitude without the usual deceptive casualness. Everything about the current Izaya which laced with so many unfamiliarity screamed distance to Shizuo.
Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
“It’s been too late, eh.” Shizuo rubbed his neck in awkward manner, unsure of what to do.
“Yeah,” Izaya added; his gaze returned to the blond in bartender outfit. “Assuming I really did want something from you, it no longer matters—no longer holds any meaning right now, because… what I’m about to do is going to crush it.”
Shizuo stared at Izaya in dreadful silence.
To say it was uncomfortable was an understatement. He felt this silence was like a thin thread that was ready to snap anytime and both of them were currently standing on it.
Nevertheless, he was waiting, waiting for Izaya to finish his sentence—to snap the thread.
“Shizuo, I…” Izaya’s hands balled into fists as his heart was protesting; every thump felt like a rage to him. Yet, his face remained emotionless. His enthralling Vermillion eyes never leave Shizuo’s gentle mocha-brown eyes as the thread was about to snap.
“I… I want to end this, I want to end us.”
And then, the thread snapped.
Shizuo felt like his insides had crumbled to pieces. He stared motionlessly at the raven, who did the same.
It was unfair, unfair that his world came to an end with just one sentence. He wanted to protest, to shout, to throw a fit, but the energy was slowly leaving his body.
“But, I don’t want to…” Came his hoarse reply. Even his voice sounded so strange to his ears.
“Shizuo—“
“No, look here.” Shizuo walked in a steady pace, only coming in halt when there was only a small gap between him and Izaya.
“I don’t want us to end, whatever we’ve had, whatever you may call it—I don’t want it to end! Let me fix it, okay! Let me fix it for you—for both of us! I can—“
“—Shizuo, it’s too late!”
Shizuo closed his mouth again. Izaya was never one to raise his voice like that.
“It’s too late, and I’m tired. This thing between us has already been broken. Nothing, no one—not even you could fix it.”
Izaya didn’t even know there was a single tear that escaped his left eye—a crack on the face that pretended to hold no emotions.
“I’m tired.”
My heart is tired.
I'm going back to the start
Izaya closed his eyes in resignation, refusing to catch any of Shizuo’s expression.
This is the end.
“If… things have gone beyond fixing,” The blond mumbled, forcing the raven to—once again—meet his eyes.
“If things couldn’t be fixed anymore—if we are completely broken and dead,” Shizuo started, his eyes glimmered with newborn idea, “Then, it should be okay to restart, right?”
“What—“
“I want to restart this, Izaya. I want to restart us.”
Izaya narrowed his eyes; unbelieving colored his beautiful face.
“Do you remember what you said when we first met?” The blond asked him innocently.
Izaya shut his lips tightly; unsure of what Shizuo was thinking.
His mind stopped processing completely when the blond held out his hand; fingers opened for a handshake.
“This is Shizuo Heiwajima, a man whom a certain shitty informant has antagonized since Raira days. Really bad at dealing with something troublesome, neither good nor a bad person. He still doesn’t like Izaya Orihara, but I think Shizuo could have some fun with him.”
Izaya stared at the open hand before looking back up to meet the blond’s eyes.
Unwavering resolution was all the raven could see. No anger, no doubt, no pretense.
He gulped his own nervousness.
This is…
A second chance which the old him would be more than willing to receive, the thing he was desperately and stubbornly chasing over the years was now presented so easily.
Is it okay? His eyes questioned Shizuo.
It’s okay, we’ll be fine, came the answer through those gentle mocha-brown eyes.
Izaya closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to assure that this was real. Once vermillion eyes came back into view, Shizuo got more than what he bargained for.
Izaya smiled, a genuinely bright smile—looking as innocent as a child.
Slender fingers wrapped themselves on a bigger hand, forming a definite handshake.
“This is Izaya Orihara. He used to be a bad—or, should I say… horrible person. Currently… well, I don’t know myself. But, yes, I think both he and Shizuo could have fun together.”
Booming voices came in the background as fireworks decorated the gloomy sky with thousand colors. It surprisingly went well with the enchanting snow.
“Don’t run away again, Izaya…”
Shizuo returned the smile with his own as his hand refused to let go of Izaya’s.
“Or else…?”
“Or I’ll chase you to the end of the world.”
The raven-haired male burst out laughing, forming a new melody Shizuo could get used to.
“Deal!”
Izaya thought there was nothing he could do to fix their relationship.
But the restart button Shizuo pressed might be a good start for both of them.
Oh, let’s go back to the start