Chapter Text
Ah, the Bad Beginning. Fitting name, since this is just the top of the shitfest mountain these poor three kids will be falling down.
We start with a letter to a woman named Beatrice. Who’s Beatrice? Clearly she was someone special to the author, Mr. Snicket.
She’s also dead. Sucks for Mr. Snicket.
Moving on.
And now, we meet our three soon to not be spunky youngsters, who you should get familiar with now. These are the Baudelaire children: fourteen year old Violet, twelve year old Klaus, and “indiscriminate amount of months old” baby Sunny. They live with their RICH parents in a massive mansion in the middle of a city. What city? A city. Don’t worry about it.
Let’s meet them. Violet is a genius inventor who has a habit of tying up her hair with a ribbon whenever she’s really deep in an inventing frenzy. It helps her think. She’s also right handed. Make a note of that.
Klaus is very intelligent and he enjoys reading books, so he has retained a significant amount of knowledge.
And then Sunny. Sunny is a baby who usually speaks in indiscriminate babbles and noises. Her siblings understand her but no one else. Oh also she has four teeth that are RAZOR sharp, so she’s a massive fan of biting things.
Today, the kids are at Briny Beach, a foggy, briny beach, testing out one of Violet’s inventions. Well, they would be, if Sunny hadn’t made a noise that indicated there was a strange figure exiting the fog.
This figure is Mr. Poe, one of the friends of the Baudelaire parents. He has a permanent cough, he works for the bank, and he’s…not very bright.
Mr. Poe says hi to the kids and then promptly drops the news to them that a massive fire has both burned their house down and killed their parents. Quite casually might I add. He also casually adds that he’ll be taking the kids in until he finds a suitable guardian, and also will be managing the Baudelaire fortune (which is MASSIVE) until Violet turns of age.
So after dropping THAT bombshell on these three orphans, Mr. Poe takes them back to his house, which is, for lack of a better phrase, absolutely miserable for the Baudelaires. Mr. Poe’s two boys are little brats who complain that the Baudelaires are sad and depressed (Gee I wonder if it has something to do with their DEAD PARENTS), and Mrs. Poe is weird. She’s just weird.
After a while, fortunately (or unfortunately as we’ll come to see) Mr. Poe announces that he found a guardian for the kids. And since background checks don’t exist or Mr. Poe doesn’t give enough of a crap to do one, he’ll be hauling them down there the next morning. See, according to Mr. Poe, the Baudelaire parents’ will dictates that in case of fire or death, the kids are to be raised by their closest living relative. Closest geographically, by the way. Mr. Poe seems to think that’s what their parents meant, even though that’s lowkey ridiculous but whatever what do I know.
This guardian is named Count Olaf. Mr. Poe also proudly mentions that he’s an actor, so that’s great, I guess. How he’s both a count and an actor are questions that will probably have to wait for judgment day.
The next morning, the three anxious Baudelaires are hauled into Mr. Poe’s car at the crack of dawn because he couldn’t be bothered to take a day off work to get them settled. Instead he’s taking the kids down to Count Olaf’s house before the banking day starts. Real nice there, man.
After a drive through the city, Mr. Poe’s car stops in front of the nicest house in a nice little neighborhood. There’s plenty of pretty plants and at the door is a smartly dressed woman who is delighted to see the kids. This is Justice Strauss. She’s a darling.
Justice Strauss introduces herself to the Baudelaires, and Klaus asks if she’s married to Count Olaf. But, since professionals have standards, Justice Strauss tells them that she isn’t but instead the Count is her next door neighbor.
And the poor kids (and Mr. Poe) look next door to see what can only be considered an absolute HELLHOLE of a house. It’s sagging. It’s rotten. There’s a weird eye carved in the front door. Every window is closed. There’s a massive tower for some reason. It hasn’t been painted since the fall of the Roman Empire. Basically, it’s disgusting.
Sunny, in her babbling wisdom, makes a noise that translates to the other two Baudelaires as “well, shoot.” And she’s right. But Mr. Poe wouldn’t know a red flag unless it someone tried to pay with it at the bank, so he hauls the kids right over to the yucky house, and knocks on the door, because if Count Olaf doesn’t paint his house he’s obviously not going to have a doorbell.
And then the Count shows himself.
Now, quick break here. Count Olaf in himself…well let’s just say the devil himself cowers at this man. Dude looks like a tall, evil, disheveled worm with a unibrow, and generally has pretty bad vibes.
He also has a creepy voice as the kids walk into his house, which of COURSE is even shittier on the inside. Mr. Poe notes that this house is disgusting, when Count Olaf promptly says “Yeah but with some of the Baudelaire money it would be even nicer.” And THEN, when Mr. Poe rambles on about how until Violet turns eighteen NO ONE is touching that money, Count Olaf shoots him a death glare.
Yeah okay the writing’s on the wall this guy is nuts.
But since Mr. Poe is a stupid idiot, he leaves the kids with this future murderer and current psychopath. Did I mention Olaf is wearing loafers with no socks, and with a clear view of the eye tattoo on his ankle? Because of course he has an eye tattoo on his ankle. He wasn’t weird enough.
I am afraid for these children.
Anyway, it becomes PRETTY clear that there is no way Count Olaf is providing a stable home for the Baudelaire kids. First, their “bedroom” (massive quotes there) has one lumpy bed, no crib for Sunny so Violet has to use the curtains, no closet, instead a massive box, and no toys or anything, just a pile of rocks.
A. PILE. OF. ROCKS.
I would say call for help, but if everyone is as incompetent as Mr. Poe, we may be in for an issue.
Also, as if it wasn’t bad enough, Count Olaf is also a dick. Plot twist of the century there. Each morning he makes the kids do a shit ton of dangerous, not child safe chores, like repainting the back deck or repairing the windows. Because that’s what a sane person does. Obviously.
One day, the kids wake up to see a note from the Count telling them to make dinner for his ten person theater troupe.
Okay.
Sure.
Fine.
Obviously the kids haven’t the faintest idea where to start with this endeavor, until, by some miracle, Justice Strauss knocks on the door to check on them. And INSTEAD of telling this judge, who works for the government, that Count Olaf is probably breaking enough laws to get fifteen life sentences, the kids politely ask for a cookbook.
Eh who am I kidding she probably can’t do anything about his bullshittery anyway. That seems to be a theme in this series.
So Justice Strauss takes them to her library, and the kids spend a nice few minutes out of Count Olaf’s shithole looking for a recipe, until Klaus finds the recipe for puttanesca sauce. Now, this dish is basically pasta with a sauce of olives, capers, anchovies, chopped parsley, and tomatoes, and honestly, right now, I would love some of that. And I don’t even like anchovies or olives.
It seems easy enough for the kids to make, so they head to the market with Justice Strauss because unlike Count Olaf she has a soul. They get all the ingredients and even pudding mix, because maybe if they make a nice dinner the fucking piece of shit known as Count Olaf will be nice to them.
So, of course, when Olaf and his troupe of bastards come back to the house, Count Olaf starts bitching to the kids about how they didn’t make roast beef. When the kids obviously tell him that they didn’t know he wanted roast beef, his response is to GRAB SUNNY AND ALMOST DROP HER FROM HIS FULL HEIGHT.
You know, when he’s played by such charismatic actors in the show and movies, it’s almost easy to forget that Count Olaf is actually just Satan incarnate. Fortunately, his stupid theater troupe’s laughter distracts him from dropping the baby, which would’ve probably killed Sunny.
Oh yeah, the troupe of bastards. Let’s meet them. The main ones are a creep with a bald head and a massive nose, two women with so much powder on their faces they look like ghosts, an overweight fellow whose gender is ambiguous, and a guy with hooks on his hands. Wonder how that happened.
Real quick note here: the troupe in the Netflix show and the troupe in the books are basically night and day from each other. The show’s troupe are a bunch of lovable fools (same with their version of Olaf ironically) while the book…well, you’ll see.
So, the poor kids have to serve the food to these assholes, but fortunately at this point, the dipshits are so drunk they’re less annoying. Hooray for alcohol.
Still doesn’t stop Count Olaf from slapping Klaus in the face later when the boy rightfully yells at him for only giving them one bed. The kids cry themselves to sleep that night.
God this book is rougher than I remember.
The next morning has the kids chopping firewood (too bad they can’t use that axe to remove Olaf’s head from his neck), and discussing their predicament. Klaus suggests talking to Justice Strauss, which would probably be the best course of action, but Violet decides they should go to Mr. Poe first.
And to no one’s surprise, Mr. Poe isn’t even close to helpful. In fact, this piece of crap has the AUDACITY to say that because of “in loco parentis”, Count Olaf can raise the kids however he wants to.
Dude. He’s hitting them, you fucking DINGLENUT. Also technically “in loco parentis” implies the guardian figure in question has created a meaningful relationship with the child, which clearly by Klaus’s bruises, is not the case here. All I’m saying is that any competent court would have a FIELD day with Count Olaf.
So, after Mr. Poe kicks the kids out of his bank office (fire this man now if he thinks hitting a kid is a solid parenting technique), they just end up going back to Justice Strauss who lets them borrow books from their library. Technically an “in loco parentis” case could be made for Justice Strauss, but what do I know I’m not an idiot banker.
The next morning is weird. Heck, when the kids get downstairs, Count Olaf is there (oh god run) but he made breakfast for them? With their favorite fruit?
He wants something.
Turns out Mr. Poe had CALLED COUNT OLAF AND TOLD HIM ABOUT THE BAUDELAIRES’ VISIT.
If you hear a loud ramming noise while reading that’s me slamming my head into my local Corinthian column.
Anyway, Count Olaf, still being suspiciously nice to the kids, offers that to be a better “dad” (MASSIVE quotes on that one) he’ll let the kids participate in his next play. It’s called the Marvelous Marriage, and it’s written by the playwright Al Funcoot.
Say readers have y’all heard of an anagram? Changing around the letters of a word to make a new word? Just checking.
Back to business. This “marvelous work of modern media” sees the plotline of a smart and handsome guy (played by Count Olaf in the clear opposite of typecasting) who marries a young, pretty, and rich woman. Justice Strauss has agreed to play the part of a judge marrying the happy couple. And who will play the pretty young woman with a massive fortune she can’t access yet?
Why Violet of course!
God, I feel ill.
Fortunately the kids know something is obviously wrong because of course it is, you’d have to be a dumbass or an evil arsehole to not realize that. So, they decide to go to Justice Strauss’s place again, but this time to read up on inheritance law.
At first, they don’t find anything, and Violet leaves with Sunny to go help Justice Strauss with gardening. Klaus keeps reading until the hook-handed man jumpscares him, threatens his life, (basically confirming that Olaf is up to some shit), and sends this TWELVE YEAR OLD BOY into a panic attack.
Fun fact: these books were in the kids section of my elementary school library.
Klaus is fortunately able to sneak a book under the guise of future murderer Hooky, and spends the whole night reading it. And he figures out what Olaf is up to, somehow.
Unfortunately, he’s also twelve and decides to confront Olaf, BY HIMSELF, the next morning. He sneaks past Violet on the lumpy mattress, and an oddly not moving Sunny, and sits down at the table.
Count Olaf arrives next, and drinks wine for breakfast, adding “dysfunctional alcoholic” to his list of crimes. Klaus then promptly calls him out on his scheme, and pray tell, what is this scheme?
See, since Justice Strauss is a real judge, this fake wedding in the Marvelous Marriage would be legally binding. Meaning Count Olaf means to marry this fourteen year old and take her money, according to nuptial law.
Okay, number 1: She’s fourteen. There’s no way that’s legally binding, even with a judge there.
Number 2: Weddings in plays aren’t real. Obviously. Even with a judge, she’d be an actress in that scenario and thus not doing her actual job.
Number 3: She’s FOURTEEN, YOU FUCKING CREEP.
Count Olaf seems pretty calm at this revelation. He’s up to something. Klaus runs upstairs to warn Violet, who is pretty shocked at this because…she’s like fourteen. Klaus says that he could do it in “this community” because they live in hell or something. Idk. It’s certainly a place where the world and the authorities are quiet.
Anyway, Klaus goes to wake up Sunny so they can go ask Mr. Poe for help (like that would do anything, in loco parentis my ASS) but she doesn’t move. That’s odd. She was right there last night. Where could Sunny be? Surely not tied up in a bird cage hanging from Olaf’s tower with tape around her mouth so she can’t scream, right?
Oh, that’s exactly where she is? Well fuck me I guess.
Yes, Count Olaf has kidnapped this baby and in order for him to not committ infanticide (just another blip on his crimes list honestly), he’s forcing a teenager to marry him. Did I mention he has the audacity to say “Oh she’s perfectly safe.” Dipshit she’s HANGING FROM A TOWER IN A BIRDCAGE. FUCK OFF.
Oh then he starts creeping on Violet.
Because of course he does. God, this Olaf and Netflix Olaf are literally two different characters who only share the same motivations of that sweet, sweet fortune.
Anyways, back to business. After…THAT, Violet ties her hair up, which means she’s making a plan to get her sister out of that situation. First, she tries to bring Sunny some blankets, but the ambiguously gendered member of Count Olaf’s troupe shoos her off. So instead she just works on her invention in the “bedroom” while Klaus probably has nightmares of Hooky.
What’s Violet’s plan? Using some cloth from old clothes, wire, one of those rocks Olaf left for the kids, and a curtain rod, this fourteen year old makes a homemade grappling hook. I certainly wasn’t this smart at fourteen, I can tell you that much.
Violet sneaks outside to try her invention, and it actually works! She makes it to the top of the tower where her sister is! It’s amazing!
Oh wait this is a Series of Unfortunate Events, isn’t it.
Yeah, she’s caught by Hooky. Also the inside of the tower is a nightmare of random shit and paintings of eyes. If Count Olaf is anything, he at least is consistent with style.
Hooky locks Violet in the room and goes to probably scare the shit out of Klaus again, and once their brother is locked in there with them, the Baudelaires are back to square one.
The kids spend the rest of the night trying to make a plan, some of the options including Molotov cocktails and polygamy. (Don’t ask).
Oh and saying “I don’t” at the marriage could work but Olaf himself shuts that one down. Turns out he’s here to get the kids for that fucking illegal performance. Violet is still trying to think of a way out of their predicament and she grabs the bannister with her right hand to steady herself.
And then it clicks.
Meanwhile, The Marvelous Marriage by Al Funcoot (remember the anagrams?) is on full display! The kids are miserable but Justice Strauss (and Mr. In Loco Parentis Poe who’s also there) sure aren’t.
And then it’s time for that fucking final act. You know, the crime. It goes off unfortunately without a hitch and Count Olaf proudly announces to the entire audience that he has in fact committed a crime! Everyone tries to disagree but Olaf has a response for everyone such as “Oh the paper is real and so are the words Justice Strauss said and blah blah blah” WHO GIVES A FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE DELUSIONAL? SHE’S FOURTEEN
Klaus is miserable but he just wants baby Sunny, even as the bald man threatens his life again. Violet, on the other hand, is very calm. Because, you see, as she smartly points out, she signed the marriage contract with her left hand.
And, as it turns out, according to the nuptial law book, a contract signed with the non-dominant hand is not legally binding.
I mean, sure, whatever. Count Olaf loses his shit and tries to have Sunny murdered but fortunately Hooky didn’t think too far ahead and already let her out of the cage. Mr. Poe decides to do something and finally removes the children from Olaf’s care, Justice Strauss offers to take care of them, and everyone calls for Olaf’s arrest. It’s all happy!
Oh wait this is a Series of Unfortunate Events, isn’t it.
Yeah, Olaf escapes. One of his troupe members cuts the lights in the theater and everyone books it. ANd then Olaf casually tells the kids that he will in fact MURDER THEM and get their fortune before he escapes.
Why was this book in my elementary school library again?
Mr. Poe says he’ll call the police but like ain’t no way Count Olaf’s being caught by someone as incompetent as Mr. Poe, and Justice Strauss says that she’ll take the kids home and fix them a nice breakfast.
But unfortunately Mr. Poe then again mentions the Baudelaire parents’ will and that they have to go with a relative. Never mind he already fucked that up and put the kids with a literal psychopath, never mind that an actual in loco parentis case could be made for the Justice, and never mind an actual serial killer is after these children. What do I know?
So the kids are taken back to Mr. Poe’s home before being shipped off god knows where. And so the Bad Beginning ends.
And if you thought that was bad get ready because it gets EVEN WORSE.