Work Text:
This book is INSANE.
Anyway, welcome to the Dickens classic, A Christmas Carol. Here, there isn’t a lot of carols but there certainly is a fuck ton of trauma. Let’s get started.
We start in London, in the 1800s, on Christmas Eve. Old Charlie didn’t specify but damn if he does not tell us it’s Christmas once a paragraph. Here, we hang out with a businessman named Ebenezer Scrooge. Scrooge works with money, has a lot of money, and exclusively cares about money. He’s also a jackass who barely pays his only clerk, Bob Cratchit the bare minimum of payment.
Scrooge wasn’t always a one man miser. His old business partner was named Jacob Marley, and he was also an old fart with a shit ton of money and a bad attitude. He is also dead. Been dead for seven years.
Anyway, Scrooge sits in his office and counts money while complaining about how stupid Christmas is, when Christmas barges its way into the house. Well, actually it’s his nephew, Fred. Well, the book calls him “the nephew” until a later point. But his name is Fred.
Fred is here to invite his uncle to his Christmas party, which is gonna be an absolute banger of a party. Scrooge tells him to get lost, complains that Christmas is lame as fuck, and casually says that people who celebrate the holidays should be cooked alive.
Damn. He asked you one question, man. Relax. Fred takes it somewhat well and quite happily leaves to go plan his banger party, while saying goodbye to Bob, who’s a lovely fellow. Scrooge doesn’t care because he has no capacity to care.
Speaking of Scrooge, unfortunately for his money counting adventures (read: sarcasm), more people have come to bother him. These two fellows are collecting donations for the poor of London, you know, because it’s the holiday season and the season of giving. Guess how Scrooge responds?
He says that the poor people can just go to prison or work off their debts in a workhouse. Or, you know, they can just die.
Did you know Scrooge is a dick? Because he’s a dick.
Anyway, he kicks the two donation guys out, who hopefully go and get more donations from nicer people, Scrooge screams at a caroler and goes back to angrily counting money.
Unfortunately for Scrooge (read: sarcasm) Bob Cratchit is about to ask for tomorrow off. Because it’s Christmas. Scrooge lets him go, but forces him to come in earlier the next day, and also insults him to boot.
Cratchit heads home to his lovely family, and Scrooge heads home to literally nothing because he lives miserable and alone. Well, he wasn’t always alone. He lived with Marley before Marley croaked.
Speaking of Marley, his face is in the door knocker right now. And he’s screaming. Before Scrooge can knock the Marley off his knocker, the door goes back to normal, and Scrooge is just like “Damn. Well, ANYWAY.”
Scrooge spends a miserable night in his miserable house because he’s miserable if you can’t tell, and then he heads off to bed to wake up to the next miserable day. Also he ignores all the signs of Marley’s ghost just randomly showing up in his house, because ghosts aren’t real. And they can’t tell you to do anything!
Then Marley shows up and tells Scrooge to do something. He looks like SHIT by the way, fully chained up with chains made of safes, cashboxes and ledgers. Marley’s like, “Hey bro listen up”, while Scrooge is just screaming like crazy.
Marley shuts Scrooge up and drops some immediate lore. See, he was also a moneygrubbing asshole who hated the poor and everyone, and thus, when he croaked, karma punched him so hard he landed in chains and was forced to wander the world as a ghost, unable to help anyone. Also, if Scrooge doesn’t shape up and mature into a nice person, he’s getting the exact same fate.
Scrooge is like “Well fuck me I guess what do I do” and Marley responds with “I was getting to that sit your ass down.” He tells the old fart that he’s gonna get a nice visit from three spirits at 1am and he better listen to them, or he’ll end up like those fucked up ghosts howling outside Scrooge’s windows. Before Scrooge can respond with “The howling WHAT?” Marley poofs out of existence, and Scrooge keels over into his bed to fall asleep.
One hour later, Scrooge is up and at ‘em, trying to figure out what the FUCK had just happened. It’s midnight, which is a bit odd, considering he went to bed at 2 am. Also, apparently spirit number one is showing up at 1am.
Scrooge proceeds to stay up until 1 am, and when the clock strikes one, nothing happens.
Well, if you consider the glowing figure in the corner of the room holding a holly leaf who just spawned into existence nothing, then yeah nothing has happen. This is the Ghost of Christmas Past, and they’re here to take Scrooge on a journey.
Scrooge doesn’t want to go on a journey. Past responds with “Bad news, bud. You’re going anyway.” They then grab the old bastard, scoop him up, and fuck off through the wall.
It becomes pretty apparent that the two of them are traveling through time once they arrive at Scrooge’s childhood home. He’s happy to see the place, and how lovely it used to be, at least until they get to an old dreary school with one kid inside.
This kid? Baby Scrooge. Every Christmas he was stuck at school while his friends got to go home and see their family, because his dad was a dick. So he just sat by the fire and read books and studied. For like ten years straight.
Seeing sad baby Scrooge reminds old Scrooge of the caroler he scared the shit out of. But like, he can’t fix that now. Maybe he should’ve been less of an asshole.
Past flips time forward to see a slightly older baby Scrooge reading by the fire, when a little girl runs in. This is Fan, Scrooge’s sister, and she’s here to tell him that their father is way less of a dick now, and he can come home for Christmas, and it’ll be the best Christmas ever!
Slightly older baby Scrooge gets his stuff from the schoolmaster and the two siblings happily head home for a nice holiday. Past then reveals that Fan is dead, and she only had one kid, aka Fred, Scrooge’s nephew who he seemed very happy to scream at a few hours earlier.
Once the guilt sinks in, Past grabs Old Scrooge and whisks him off to another memory, the first place he ever worked at. His old boss, Fezziwig, calls young man Scrooge and his other coworkers over, and they then throw an absolute RAGER of a Christmas party. Everyone shows up, everyone’s partying, it’s just a damn good time.
Old Scrooge is like…”Damn maybe I should have been nicer to Bob” and Past is like “No shit Sherlock.” The ghost then sends them to the next memory, of which adult Scrooge and a beautiful lady are sitting near each other. This is Belle, Scrooge’s former fiancée.
I say former because she’s dumping his ass. All he cares about is money, how to get more money, and continuing to have that money. And there’s no room in his greedy heart for a wife or family or any of that sappy shit (read: sarcasm).
Scrooge is pissed that Past showed him this generational fumble, and snaps that he wants to go home. Past responds with “We have one more, old man.” and the two of them enter the last memory.
It’s seven years ago, the day Marley croaked, and Scrooge sees Belle, her husband, and all their happy children celebrating Christmas. Belle’s husband talks about how he saw Scrooge sitting by himself in his office while Marley died, and Belle’s like “Damn. That sucks I guess.”
Scrooge then jumps Past, trying to get the Ghost to change the memories or something, when suddenly he ends up back in his bed. Past is gone and he is alone again.
For about thirty seconds.
Scrooge wakes up from his apparent second nap at 1am, but there’s no time to question the fact he somehow learned how to time travel. Because there’s a blinding light coming from his downstairs room, and unless a fire started, Scrooge did NOT leave any lights on.
Turns out the next Ghost turned on the lights for him. Because as Scrooge leaves his bedroom, he sees that his other room is FULL of Christmas decorations, a lovely roaring fire, a SHIT ton of food, and a red haired giant.
This is the Ghost of Christmas Present, and he’s quite the jolly fellow. Scrooge has never seen a man this tall or buff before, but he’s used to the drill by now, and gets ready for the next bizarre adventure. Present’s like “Hang on buddy” and yeets the two of them into a busy street on Christmas morning.
Everyone’s so happy and joyful, shoveling snow, looking at shops, smelling the good smells, and just generally having a great time. Scrooge is like “Wow I didn’t realize people were this nice” and Present basically responds with “It’s Christmas you buffoon. No shit.”
Once Scrooge has learned the concept of basic empathy, Present hauls him to the next house, a tiny little home in the less wealthy part of London. This is where Bob Cratchit lives with his large family and lovely wife, and most importantly Tiny Tim.
Who’s Tiny Tim? Well that’s Bob’s youngest son, who is very, VERY ill and uses a cane to get around and is wearing a brace. He’s a sweet kid.
Even though they don’t have a lot of food, the family is still happy with their Christmas feast. Bob mentions that they should thank Scrooge for the salary that pays for their food, and his wife is like “FUCK that guy he SUCKS”. The kids all agree with her, even Tiny Tim because Scrooge is like…stealing Bob’s wages and shot, but Bob is able to change the subject and get the family back to being jolly.
It is OBVIOUS that Tiny Tim is not surviving till next Christmas, and when Scrooge asks Present about it, the giant’s just like “Depends. Are you going to be less of a dick?”
While Scrooge stews on that, Present shows him a few more Christmas celebrations in different places, including a mine, a ship, and a lighthouse. And then, Present takes him to Fred’s Christmas party, which is a banger, obviously. They’re laughing about how Scrooge didn’t want to show up, and how he’s literally no fun.
Scrooge doesn’t actually care that he’s being roasted because this party is AWESOME and he’s having a GREAT time. Finally the ghost hauls him away to the middle of nowhere, and it’s here that Scrooge realizes that Present is aging, because Christmas Present is only one day, and Present will be dead by the end of the night. Present suddenly shows him two starving kids hanging out by his robe. These are Ignorance and Want, the greatest enemies of humanity, and Want will be haunting Scrooge especially. With a change of heart, Scrooge suddenly wants to help these kids and he asks how.
Present hits back with “Well why don’t they just go to prison? Or DIE?” And before Scrooge can process how hard karma is hitting him, he’s suddenly back in bed.
With the Grim Reaper standing near him.
Okay it’s not the Grim Reaper, it’s the Ghost of Christmas Future, or Christmas Yet to Come. Future is a giant phantom with a single outstretched hand, and they are not here to fuck around. Scrooge asks the Phantom what he’s about to see, and the Phantom just points their way into a scene change.
It’s Christmas, and apparently some dude important has croaked recently. You can tell because a few businessmen are talking about it. All they care about if there’s food at the funeral. Scrooge is like “Damn poor sucker” and Future says nothing because they’re aura-farming. Either way, Scrooge calms himself by thinking that he’ll understand what’s up once he finds himself in the future.
The next scene is a pawn shop, where people are pawning off said dead man’s belongings. Included in this exchange are some basic possessions, a few clothes, and the BEDSHEETS FROM THE DEAD MAN’S BED. And no one gives a shit, because the dead guy wouldn’t have given a shit about them.
Scrooge suddenly realizes that this dead guy might be him and asks Future about that. The Ghost responds by spawning the two of them in the dead guy’s room and pointing at Scrooge to unwrap the body. Scrooge is like “FUCK no” and honestly I may have to agree on him with that one.
The Ghost isn’t budging though, so Scrooge asks if anyone feels anything at this man’s passing. So the Ghost, that cheeky little bastard, takes Scrooge to a scene of a poor family. The father suddenly comes home and happily tells everyone that the guy holding their debts is super dead, and now they can pay them off. Yay!
Scrooge is fucking horrified that the only emotion elicited by this death is joy, and then asks Future if anyone is sad over a death today.
So the Ghost takes him to Bob Cratchit’s house, sans one Tiny Tim, and I think you can guess the mood there.
It’s depressing. Obviously.
Scrooge still doesn’t seem to get it, so finally Future yeets him to a graveyard. There, with an overgrown, lonely, and miserable tombstone, lies Ebenezer Scrooge.
Finally realizing how absolutely giga-fucked he is, Scrooge FLIPS. He whips around and grabs Future’s outstretched hand, begging to change the future. He swears he’ll fix everything, he’ll be better, he’ll love everyone and everything, and he’ll keep Christmas in his heart.
Future falters for a single second, and in that second, Scrooge finds himself back in his bed. And guess what?
It’s Christmas Day.
Scrooge is ELATED and basically dances around his room for about 30 seconds. He then stops, runs to his window and sees a boy outside. After confirming that it is Christmas Day, he charges the boy to go buy the BIGGEST turkey at the butcher, and deliver it to the Cratchit house. And he also pays the kid.
Next, Scrooge skips out of the house and finds the two men collecting donations. He tells them to put him down for an INSANE amount of money, and then he heads to Fred’s house to join the party. And you BET he absolutely has the time of his life.
The next day, Scrooge waits excitedly for Bob to arrive, hopefully late. And you bet Bob arrives late, apologizing and begging for mercy. Scrooge is like “Well you know what we have to do, Bob.” And Bob fearfully asks what that is.
Scrooge responds with “Uh duh! We’re raising your salary, paying for your house, and all of Tiny Tim’s medical care! You silly billy!” And with that, Scrooge turns into the greatest guy London has ever seen. He’s super generous, absolutely lovely, and just such a jolly, happy man. And, he basically becomes another dad to Tiny Tim, who did NOT die.
No more spirits showed up, but they didn’t need to. Scrooge and everyone lived happily ever after. And to you all, Happy Holiday to all and to All a good night!