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Language:
English
Series:
Part 3 of Summarized For Morons
Stats:
Published:
2025-01-29
Completed:
2025-04-26
Words:
10,124
Chapters:
34/34
Comments:
6
Kudos:
19
Bookmarks:
4
Hits:
308

Inferno for Morons

Summary:

So, you want to read Dante’s Inferno, dontcha? A true work of classical fanfiction, the first true self-insert, and oh also a lovely jaunt through hell? But you can’t because…well it’s Inferno. Just go play Devil May Cry instead.

Well, never fear, for I am here. I’ll take you through every canto, from the winds of Lust to the ice of Treachery, and we’ll slog through Dante’s need to faint every time something good happens. You’ll see such sites such as some horribly aged content because, friendly reminder, this book was written in the 1200s, and centaurs! There are centaurs for some reason. Don’t ask.

Also, if you’re doing an assignment on Inferno for your school or class, this is not a primary source. I repeat, THIS IS NOT A PRIMARY SOURCE.

(also not featuring dante, from the devil may cry series. had to make that joke at least once)

Notes:

the fact the divine comedy is a fandom in ao3 might be the funniest thing i've ever seen

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: Canto I: Local Poet Gets Scared By The Wildlife

Chapter Text

Divine Comedy? What’s so funny about it?

We start on a dark mountainside with our nominal protagonist, Dante. See, a protagonist is meant to be someone who is likable, and interesting. Dante is none of those things. He’s a wuss and a loser.

So, our loser randomly wakes up to realize that apparently he got a little too crazy last night because he’s just fully in the middle of nowhere. Like, lost in the woods in the middle of nowhere. How did even end up doing this, like he’s a poet from the 1200s, did they even go outside?

The good news is, there’s a way out of the forest. All Dante needs to do is climb this massive hill that apparently just spawned in front of him. He’s not very good at noting his surroundings, btw. The bad news? Most of the forest wildlife isn’t keen on Dante climbing that mountain.

And by that, I mean Dante almost gets fucking eaten by first a big ass leopard, then a big ass lion and finally just the biggest she- wolf he’s ever seen. Like she wants that twink OBLITERATED.

Dante does not want to be dinner for three different apex predators, so he runs for his life, the smartest decision he will make in this entire book. Oh also, it’s Good Friday now. Thought I should mention that. Fortunately for Dante, he stumbles upon a random human shade just chilling in the woods. And who is this human shade?

Why, it’s Dante’s favorite ancient poet, the author of the Aeneid (*cough* and Dante’s celebrity crush *cough*), the Roman author Virgil! Dante is THRILLED to meet his celebrity crush, and eagerly recounts his entire life story, including the part about the giant three animals who wanted him for dinner earlier.

Virgil, remarkably calm about the whole situation (get used to this, he’s the voice of reason), is like “yeah that she wolf is an ass, she kills everyone who approaches her”, and he also mentions something about some magnificnet hound from heaven who will get rid of her or something, I don’t think Dante is listening because “oh god she was gonna eat me”. He’s a bit single minded. Our favorite Roman poet also mentions that he’s here to take Dante up that nice hill, but since the world’s angriest wolf is blocking the way, they’ll need to go a different direction.

Just a quick detour through hell. No biggie.

Dante isn’t keen on this. Can’t imagine why. But since the first guy on his hear me out cake offered to guide him (how nice of Virgil), he reluctantly agrees. And so ends Canto I.