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When you catch sight of her, she’s peeking around the corner of a building, shivering in the night air. She’s got her school uniform on, so she sticks out like a landmark, a beacon of white against the darkness. She’s cringing, and you bet her knees are knocking together, and you can practically hear her whimpering from the other side of the street.
You pocket your Soul Gem, take the stick of pocky out of your mouth, and yell: “What are you even doing over there?”
She makes a high-pitched little scream and jumps, all limp flailing wrists and braids flopping like empty sleeves. It’s kind of gratifying. Once she sees you she hunches in, and the guilt and fear on her face feel like they should be strong enough to knock you on your butt.
“S—Sakura-san.”
“Yeah, that would be me,” you say. “So, what are you even up to, staking out a military base at this time of night ‘stead of going on witch patrol like a good little Puella Magi? And don’t even deny that you’re up to something, it’s written like all over your face.”
Her lower lip bends. She slumps. You put your pocky back in your mouth and scratch your head. You wonder, a little, just where Mami managed to pick up this new crop of apprentices. Even you were never this pathetic.
Akemi Homura, awkward in braids and glasses, fidgets with the hem of her skirt and mumbles something about “Miki-san said”. Rookies.
“I can’t hear you,” you inform her, and beckon. “At least, like, cross the street so we can have a real conversation. If we just yell at each other like this, the grown-ups are gonna find you.”
She scurries over to you just like a scared mouse, coming to a stop on the opposite edge of the sidewalk from you. She does not meet your eyes.
You grin.
“That’s a good newbie,” you say, and you grin. “Now why don’t you tell your nice senpai what’s the matter.”
Akemi takes a deep breath, squeezes her eyes shut, and then you’re getting an earful about how it’s impossible for her to attack with magic and so she’s always made do with home-cooked pipe bombs. At least up until her fellow rookie Miki Sayaka made a bunch of choice remarks about how homemade explosives are too dangerous and unstable and untrustworthy, and Akemi ought to find some other weapon, one better than a golf club. You are not sure what golf clubs have to do with anything, but you don’t venture this.
“—so I thought I could at least take a gun and practice shooting, but…”
She is back to fidgeting with her skirts. You sigh and hold out your box of pocky.
“Have one,” you say.
“Sakura-san?”
“Have one,” you say again, shaking the box. “Senpai’s orders, do not waste my generosity.”
She takes one, timidly, and doesn’t eat it. She just holds on to it in her fingertips.
“If you’re going to save it, do not drop it,” you warn. “Don’t waste food. So anyhow, I’m taking it that you’re on Baby’s First Heist then?”
Akemi makes another thin whimpering noise and nods. You try, and fail, not to groan.
“Look, Tomoe Mami’s made it more than clear I’m not supposed to interact with all of you, and I can’t stand your wasteful goody-two-shoes superhero act. But you’re so pitiful I can’t even stand to watch. How do you think you’re gonna steal anything like that?”
She flinches. “Well… I can… stop time…”
“Yeah, but you said you couldn’t do it indefinitely. Just how much magic do you plan on using, to pick up a gun and bullets to practice with? You’re putting the cart before the horse, you dumbass newbie, you’re gonna wind up wasting all your Grief Seeds on one theft.”
There isn’t any reply.
“You are going to get arrested or kill yourself at this rate,” you inform her. “How about you just tell that Miki Sayaka where she can stick it, and stay with the weapons you actually know how to use?”
Akemi narrows her eyes behind her glasses, clasps her hand around her wrist. “I don’t want to cause any more trouble,” she says. Her voice is listless. “If I stay a burden—and if I cause any more discord with Tomoe-san and the others, I won’t be able to…”
She shuts up then, and while you finish your pocky, she spends her time chewing on her lower lip.
You sigh.
“Eat that,” you say, pointing at the stick of pocky you handed her. “And leaving you alone to blunder through this is just gonna piss me off even more, so you stick with me for tonight and I’ll help you figure out what you’re doing.”
sakura kyouko’s petty larceny tip #1 – dress inconspicuously
Akemi turns kind of red and shuffles into the bathroom. You frown until you hear fabric rustling. Apparently she’s too shy to drop trou in front of somebody else.
You shrug and eat another stick of pocky.
“The number one rule of stealing shit,” you say, “is to blend in as best you can.”
When Akemi emerges, it turns out the sweater is ill-fitting; the sleeves droop over her hands and threaten to swallow her fingertips. Flyaway strands of hair have worked their way out of her braids and her glasses are slightly askew.
The thought flits into your head that oh no, she is cute. This thought is chased away by the second thought that she is gonna have quite the uphill climb.
“Good enough,” you decide, and clap her on the shoulder. You steer Akemi back towards the door so that you can put your shoes on and get on with it.
sakura kyouko’s petty larceny tip #2 – thoroughly scope out your target first
Akemi peeks over the frames of her glasses at you, like she wants to ask why but can’t get up the nerve. You cross your legs.
“This has to do with rule number one,” you lecture. “A girl our age sitting on some bench and staring into space is gonna attract attention! But if you’re doing stuff people won’t pay too much attention ‘cause they’re gonna think, oh, I shouldn’t bother her.”
“I… I see,” she says. Faintly.
“So you basically just wait until you get a feel for the location.” You gesture so that your hand surfs through the air. You are so good at this. “And then you sneak in when nobody will be paying attention, and bam! You grab what you’re there for and are away before they know what’s hit them.”
sakura kyouko’s petty larceny tip #3 – mind the security cameras
Akemi nods. You are on a roll.
sakura kyouko’s petty larceny tip #4 – act natural
sakura kyouko’s petty larceny tip #4a – don’t feel guilty
“Forget that. Instead, you should maybe concentrate on the fact that you don’t have anything to feel guilty about.”
She blinks. She still can’t voice the question, but at least she’s managing to look you in the face by now. That’s a lot less irritating.
“Before you argue back with but stealing is wrong or similar namby-pamby goody-goody excuses,” you say, and hold up a finger: “What are you going to be using your guns for?”
Akemi tilts her head to the side like a little cat. “Um—Miki-san said…”
“I do not mean the part about what ‘Miki-san said’.” You cut her off with sarcastic air quotes. “When you steal guns and are done practicing with them, what are you going to do with them?”
“Fight witches…”
Maybe it’s dawning on her, maybe it isn’t. You can’t tell from her expression, so you go on with the planned lecture.
“Yeah. Fact of the matter is, you’re just taking payment in advance for services rendered. Witches eat humans and us Puella Magi eat witches, but it’s still true that when we kill witches for Grief Seeds, we’re removing predators that threaten humans. So, you’re taking things, but even though you’re not leaving money, you’re still sorta paying. You get me?”
Akemi smiles for the first time this evening. It’s troubled. You’re not sure you like the way she looks at you, like she’s just realized something.
“Anyhow, you’re taking the guns and stuff so you can kill witches. You’re feeding yourself, and also you’re saving human lives, so don’t feel guilty. Just like,” you say, and point at the grocery vendor across the street, “when we go and pilfer an apple for practice, you don’t need to feel bad about it ‘cause you’re getting me food so I won’t starve or anything.”
“Eh?” says Akemi, and you grin.
sakura kyouko’s petty larceny tip #5 – mind your portion size
“I can hide things in my shield,” she says, and you weren’t expecting that. “It’s where I already kept my weapons, so I think… it’ll be okay no matter how big the guns are.”
You whistle a little and stick your box of pocky in your hoodie pocket. How much easier would your life be if your magic could do that? Even better, how much easier would your life be if you could get Akemi to do that?
You clamp down on the part of your brain that wants to fantasize like a kindergartener, because that’s not happening. For a lot of reasons, including:
“Then I’ll warn you right now, but don’t get carried away or anything. The object of stealing stuff, aside from stealing the stuff, is to not be noticed at all. I think you get that much by now ‘cause every single tip I’ve been giving you is a reiteration of that point! But,” you say, “if you clean them out, they’re gonna notice. Take exactly how much you need and no more.”
“Okay,” she says, and smiles at you a little shyly. You don’t know what you did to make her happy, but whatever.
sakura kyouko’s petty larceny tip #6 – mind the security cameras
“Sakura-san,” she says, “didn’t you say that already?”
“It’s important, so I said it twice,” you snap.
sakura kyouko’s petty larceny tip #7 – learn from the master
You slip into the crowd, keep your back to the security camera, and sidle up to the vendor when there are several other people already taking up the grocer’s attention. You pick up apples that you don’t have any interest in, pretend to look at them for bruises and rotten spots, and then put them back. Then you make as if to leave. As you’re turning around—at precisely the right moment—your hand flicks out and plucks an apple on the corner, stuffing it into your pocket.
You make it back to the bench with nobody noticing, because you are a pro, and grin at Akemi, showing as many teeth as you can.
“See? It’s easy, right? Now you go try.”
Akemi Homura stumbles into the crowd looking very lost. She gets shoved by people and mills around with the other customers, but in the end she makes it to the fruit store and starts picking up apples just like you did.
The grocer turns to her with a big smile. She jumps. They talk for a few minutes, and then she’s taking out her wallet and he’s giving her a discount.
You facepalm with both hands.
- - -
“I guess you’re the learn-with-your-body type,” you say. “At least nobody who caught you figured out what you were actually doing, so there’s that. Cripes, the people in this town are too nice.”
Akemi looks at the paper bag in her hands and then looks at you, like she’s not sure whether she should apologize or what. She spent a lot of money. Then again, she sure did get a lot of discounts.
You pick at the white stringy stuff on the outside of your orange, eat another piece, and spit the seeds into your palm.
“So,” you say, “tip number eight.”
“What’s tip number eight?” Akemi asks. She looks kind of relieved that the subject has changed from her failure to apply the five-finger discount instead of the regular kind.
“Tip number eight,” you say.
sakura kyouko’s petty larceny tip #8 – magic is for emergencies
“Hmm,” says Akemi, like she doesn’t know what to say.
sakura kyouko’s petty larceny tip #9 – throw out any of the above as necessary
Akemi nods seriously. (Oh no, she is actually really cute.)
You finish off the orange and grin, balling up the peel and seeds and tossing them into the nearest garbage can. “You’re gonna be fine. Thanks for the orange, anyhow.”
The both of you stand up, and then Akemi looks down at the bag in her hands with a surprised expression. She holds it out to you with a smile.
You cock your head to the side.
“Please take this as a thank you for the lesson,” she says.
“Uh, I already ate your orange as thanks,” you point out, but she shakes her head, making her messy braids whip back and forth.
“Please take it,” she says again. “I have food at home, and um, I still need to stay on my doctor’s nutrition plan, so I might not be able to eat it anyway and then it would all go to waste. Besides, um—Sakura-san, you’re always eating candy, so you ought to have something healthy sometimes too.”
There’s something mixed in there that you’re not quite sure how to respond to, but if she’s putting it that way, who are you to refuse? So you take the bag, holding it in one arm, and grin.
“Go knock ‘em dead, Homura,” you say, and on impulse you reach out to mess up her hair with your free hand.
She squeaks. Against your better judgment, you are charmed.