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Fawnspirit stared at his leader, Goldenstar with nothing but pity in his gaze. He had done all that he could in trying to save his kit’s life. All that he knew with the time he spent learning, which was not a lot. He’s barely been a full medicine cat for half a moon and his first real case is his leader’s kit. Fawnspirit truly did try, he fought to get the little she-kit to keep eating and drinking but she was so weak and tired. Goldenstar sat with his mate as she wailed over the tiny body. Fawnspirit wanted nothing more than to comfort them but knew he would only upset them more. With a heavy heart he turned and walked further into his den to curl up in his nest. Karl was there waiting for him, a small field mouse that at the time was nothing more than a newborn. Fawnspirit kept him and raised him. Laying down he curled around Karl, everything felt wrong. Why would things turn out this way? Why did he have to pay for this? Pinning his ears down as another wave of shame and sorrow ran through him hearing Robinshine wail again.
It didn't help that whoever was standing by the entrance was whispering how he wanted that to happen, how he killed Emberkit. He wanted to yowl out that he did everything he could, he wanted her to live, he wanted her to grow up.
“It’s not fair Karl.” Fawnspirit whispers. His thoughts took him to Honeygaze, news about Fawnspirit must have reached Thunderclan by now. Honeygaze probably thinks less of him. Getting a lame paw over a simple fall, something he's been through so much. For Starclan’s sake even a kit recovers from them, but Emberkit… Fawnspirit feels worse now, sighing he closes his eyes. There isn't much for him to do besides sleep now, maybe then he’ll feel better. Hopefully.
--
Fawnspirit found himself in a lush green field, while holding a sigh he knew where he was.
“Please can we skip the whole ‘this is your path’ talk. I would like to actually sleep given everything that has happened.” Fawnspirit called to no one.
“But it isn't that talk!” A voice squeaked, and Fawnspirit felt like he was standing in the cold rain. Looking behind him stood none other than Emberkit, looking more healthy than ever but with stars in her pelt.
“I know you did all you could! My body was just sleepy but now I'm awake.” Emberkit purred, and Fawnspirit smiles weakly. Emberkit happily rubs herself against his legs, “My father and my mother both know too just they are sad right now. Please tell them I'm happy though! I'll be waiting here for them too!!”
“Of course Emberkit.” Fawnspirit spoke, he wanted to believe the young kit but it's hard to fight his own thoughts.
“I know I'm very young but I think Honeygaze will like you the same.” She added with a wide smile. Fawnspirit wants to say something to argue with her but something is touching his ear.
--
Feeling something chew on his ear was enough to pull Fawnspirit awake. With a yawn he gently shakes his head, which sends Karl rushing towards Fawnspirit's back. He looks back to check on the small mouse before quickly licking the top of his small head. And like that Fawnspirit is ready to start the day, of course that meeting with Emberkit wasn't enough to settle the full grief he had. But it was a start.
“I spoke with Emberkit last night.” Fawnspirit said eyes trained on a pile of poppy seeds. He can hear Karl squeal, but continues on. “I know it wasn't my fault, she told me as much. But I'm the medicine cat now. What good am I if I can't save a kit? I need to check on Robinshine, perhaps we should take her a poppy seed now to save us a trip.” Karl only sequels again before running to the pile and picking up a poppy seed. Showing it off proudly to Fawnspirit. The brown tom purrs softly before picking up Karl and allowing the small mouse to climb on top of his head.
Walking out of his cold den, the sun has barely started to rise and Goldenstar and Robinshine no longer are in the middle of camp, but the heavy feeling of grief is still so strong. Fawnspirit sees the deputy, Seedfoot, organizing a dawn patrol and a hunting party. He made no move to tell them anything beyond a simple nod before turning his attention back to checking on Robinshine. With a heavy heart he knows the only other place she'll be is with Goldenstar in his den, padding into the protected den not taking mind to the ivy that covered the opening once inside Fawnspirit notes how from the stale scent Goldenstar left, and the fresh scent of Robinshine gave the tom all he needed to know. In the dim den Robinshine was curled up in her mate's nest. A small vole was left beside her but it looked untouched.
“Robinshine, how do you feel?” Fawnspirit asked, he knew how she felt any cat can tell but he needs to know how much he can push her about taking the herbs. Robinshine just curls into a smaller ball, lowering his ears slightly Fawnspirit takes a step closer. “Please Robinshine, I'm sorry I wasn't able to save Emberkit I did all I coul-”
“Leave me alone! I want to be left alone! I want my mate, I want my kit! Yet here we are.” Robinshine hisses. Fawnspirit can only stare at her sadly. Taking a breath he tries once more.
“Emberkit wouldn't enjoy the fact you aren't eating.” Fawnspirit spoke softly to the queen. Robinshine lifts her head and Fawnspirit feels his heart break once more, she looks so tired.
“Emberkit should still be here…Fawnspirit nothing you can do can lessen the pain I'm feeling now.” Robinshine said as she lays her head back down. Fawnspirit sits down besides her nest, allowing Karl to climb down and lay the poppy seed down before running backup Fawnspirit's back.
“Please eat this, it'll help you rest.” Fawnspirit spoke softly as he moved the poppy speed to sit on top of the untouched vole.
--
The cool air of new leaf felt refreshing to Fawnspirit after hiding out in his den the rest of the day. Straining his ears to listen for any cat still awake, meeting with Honeygaze is the one way to make up for the grief he feels. Slowly leaving his nest and checking that Karl was safely tucked away in his nest, while his clanmates knew about Karl he still worried some cat might harm him. Swiftly he walks out of his den the soft glow of the moon gives everything a peaceful feel.
Fawnspirit keeps his pawsteps light as he leaves camp, hoping and praying to Starclan that no cat is out for a late night hunt or walk. His steps pick up the peace once he finally leaves Shadowclan territory, Fawnspirit couldn't walk faster.
Already sitting in the field was Honeygaze, he was grooming his fur and Fawnspirit had to fight the purr that wanted to escape him. It's odd how so many problems seem to disappear once Fawnspirit sees Honeygaze. Yet grief was still a tricky thing, for all it took was feeling joy that he was reminding that Emberkit was dead. Startling slightly as he was brought back into the present by Honeygaze calling to him.
“I was beginning to think you weren't going to show tonight.” Honeygaze spoke as Fawnspirit sat down next to him. Fawnspirit only shakes his head before twisting their tails together.
“I would rather eat crow food than not see you.” Fawnspirit said as Honeygaze purrs. The soft sound of crickets and the waves was all that could be heard. At some point the two curled up around each other and Fawnspirit finally broke about Emberkit. Honeygaze looked at Fawnspirit confused, “Why did you have to deal with it? Fawnfang, you aren't the medicine cat.”
Fawnspirit lets out a humorless laugh, “It's Fawnspirit now, it's been like that since the start of new moon.” On one paw it felt nice that Honeygaze hadn't heard about his accident already, but now Honeygaze would ask why what led to this. His green and brown eyes were round with worry.
“What of Freckledbreeze couldn't she have helped more?” Honeygaze asked. Fawnspirit only lays his head down on his paws.
“She was attacked and killed, Seedfoot told Goldenstar why not me if I wasn't going to be any help around the clan anymore might as well. I agreed, because what other choice did I have?” Fawnspirit said sadly. He wanted to be allowed to leave camp still, wanted to still see Honeygaze and by Starclan he wasn't going to let his lame paw stop him. Looking up at the other tom who was growling now Fawnspirit lowers his ears.
“Seedfoot is nothing but a fox heart! This is your life not theirs Goldenstar should have sent for Gentlewing! She could have helped Shadowclan instead of you being forced to do this all alone! All your clanmates are stupid.” Honeygaze hisses out his fur bristling while Fawnspirit gives soft licks to his head.
“You're acting like I'm saying we aren't meeting still. I care for you too much to give this up.” Fawnspirit said. “And maybe things would have turned out differently if I didn't get hurt, or if Goldenstar had sent for Gentlewing. Only Starclan knows at this point.”
“Starclan is just a bunch of dead cats who should mind their own business.” Honeygaze spoke while Fawnspirit moved closer to Honeygaze.
“Yet they are the ones who watch over us and keep us safe.” Fawnspirit counter.
“The same Starclan that allows cats who have no right to be leading a clan nine lives? The same one that says cats shouldn't have a mate outside of their clan? The very same one that says a medicine cat can never take a mate? No, they don't keep us safe if anything they want to make us miserable.” Honeygaze said as he laid his head on Fawnspirit's head. The two facing each other while curled up, Fawnspirit had his head just below Honeygaze's head, his nose buried in his chest fur. A part of Fawnspirit wanted to keep arguing with Honeygaze but also this was nice, he felt happy for once.
“And Fawnspirit, it wasn't your fault.” Honeygaze added softly and Fawnspirit can only shut his eyes as Honeygaze purrs gently. Fawnspirit for just a moment allows himself to be here and now. That Emberkit dying wasn't his fault and Honeygaze didn't hate him or want him less. If anything, the small she-kit was right.