Chapter Text
He stared at himself in the mirror while buttoning up the black silky shirt, it had some flower patterns going along it, they weren't very visible, but they were there anyway. He could feel Remus' eyes on him from the bed he'd been sitting in and reading since Sirius started to get ready. He didn't mind, though, just blushed every time Remus looked up from his book, and they made eye contact through the mirror.
“Rem?” Remus hummed. “Can I wear this?” he asked, smoothing his hand down the shirt as he turned to look at Remus, who lowered his book, looking at him.
“ ‘Course you can.” He smiled, though grew worried at the sudden nervousness that had seeped into his tone. “It looks great, baby.”
“But- never mind.” He smiled quickly, turning back to look at himself in the mirror. He heard Remus get up from their bed and walk over, wrapping his arms around his waist, hooking his chin over Sirius' shoulder, looking at them through the mirror.
“But what?”
“ ‘s nothing Re.”
“I can tell something's wrong.” He said, rubbing his side in hopes of calming him down. “Wanna tell me?” Sirius shook his head, holding his own hands over Remus' as he looked down, eyes getting shiny. “That's okay.”
“Is it?”
“Of course.” He turned Sirius around in his arms so he could actually look at him, though it took a moment before Sirius actually met his eyes. “You don't have to tell me, of course not. But if something is really bothering you, I want you to tell me, you know that, right?”
“I know.”
“Good.” He smiled, kissing his forehead, Sirius' eyes fluttered closed for a moment, relaxing slightly. “We gotta leave in twenty minutes if we wanna be on time.” Sirius nodded but didn't move from the warm embrace, but only leaned closer, wrapping his arms around Remus' neck to get a proper hug. “You still want to go? We could just tell James that we're sick or something.”
“They got engaged, it's not fair on them, Rem.” He said, looking back up at Remus. “We're going.”
“Okay, love.” He smiled, leaning down to give him a kiss. “Better finish getting ready then, we gotta leave in twenty.”
“One to speak.” He mumbled, before wriggling away from the hug, going to the bathroom to get his hair in check. He looked at himself in the mirror while brushing his hair. He should cut it soon. It was starting to curl past his shoulders already, though he didn't really want to cut it, he quite liked it longer. He looked at the assortment of jewellery he had laid out last night, maybe it was too much? Especially the earrings. He had pulled out some make up too, but maybe not today. He wanted to, but it didn't seem like the best idea, so he just let them be.
“We have to leave soon.” Remus reminded as he came to stand in the doorway, leaning against the frame. Sirius glanced at him, seeing that he had changed too, pyjama bottoms into dress pants and the old worn out jumper to a more formal one, there was a white button up under it too.
“You look good.” Remus smiled, glancing away for a moment before watching as Sirius continued to just stare at the items in front of him. He could tell something was wrong, but he didn't really know what it could be.
“What are you thinking about?” Sirius' head snapped up, looking at Remus.
“Nothing.” He smiled, but Remus could tell it wasn't a genuine smile, just something he did when he didn't want to worry him. It was something he had always done and Remus could always tell, but still Sirius did it. “Nothing rem, I'm just tired. I'll come in a bit.”
“Are you sure?” Sirius nodded, biting his lip as he grabbed the hairbrush again, though he really didn't need to do it, but he just needed something to do with his hands. “Sirius?” He hummed. “Look at me.” Sirius looked up at him again, Remus had moved and was now standing next to him. “What's wrong?”
“Nothing, already told you everything's fine. Just let me be.” He said. “Seriously Remus, everything is fine.”
“Did I do something?” Sirius shook his head. “Did something happen?”
“No.”
“What's up then?”
“I dunno.” He lied, he knew what was wrong, well, he didn't exactly know what it was, but it definitely felt wrong. He didn't know how to express his thoughts though, so it was easier to just say it was nothing.
“Okay.” He whispered, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear, glancing at the items that were scattered on the counter. “I really love when you wear those earrings.” He said. “Makes you look so pretty.”
Sirius blushed. “It's not too much?”
“No.” Remus smiled, giving him a kiss. “Absolutely not. I love it when you dress up all nice and put on those earrings and all your other jewellery. Oh, and you look so pretty when you do your makeup.” He said, making Sirius blush and look away. “I love everything you do.”
“Do you mean that?”
“Of course I do.” He whispered. “Is that what you’re nervous about, love?”
“Kinda.”
“Okay,” Remus nodded, kissing his forehead. “Let's talk later, yeah?” Sirius nodded, watching as Remus picked up the few rings from the counter, taking his hand and gently putting them on his fingers, kissing them when he was done. Then he grabbed the necklace, it was one he had bought for Sirius for his last birthday, it had a small pearl hanging on a silver chain. “Turn around baby.”
Sirius did as he was told, brushing his hair to the side as Remus closed the necklace around his neck, kissing his head when he was done. “Thank you, Rem.” He smiled, turning to look back at him. “You didn't have to.”
“I wanted to.” Remus whispered. “Love you.”
“Love you too.”
“Hop up on the counter.” Sirius looked confused for a moment, but did as he was asked, smiling sheepishly as Remus took the earrings from the counter, gently securing them in place. They had small pearls on them as well, matching the necklace. “Close your eyes, baby.” He did as he was told, feeling even more confused before he felt Remus hold his face gently in his hand. First turning his head to the right, and doing his eyeliner, Sirius could feel himself blush as he did so. Then Remus turned his head the other way and did the same, kissing his forehead when he was done. Sirius opened his eyes, looking at himself in the mirror Remus held up for him. “I hope it looks alright. Haven't done this in a while.”
“It's perfect.” He whispered, almost feeling like he could cry at this one simple loving gesture, he looked up at Remus who smiled softly. “Thank you so much.” He said, wrapping his arms around Remus' neck, hiding his face into his shoulder.
“You're welcome.” He whispered into his hair. “But, we really gotta leave now, baby.” Sirius looked up with a small smile, leaning up to give him a kiss before jumping off the counter. He grabbed the rest of the makeup he had left there, deciding he could do the rest of it in the car. Maybe it would be okay. Then, he took Remus' hand, leading him out of the bathroom.
…
Later that night, they were laying in bed, just taking a moment to calm down after socialising with so many people. Both too awake to want to sleep, but too tired to do anything else either, so cuddling in bed it was. “Remus?” Sirius asked quietly, and Remus hummed, opening his eyes and running his hand through Sirius' hair. “Do you think it's stupid?”
“Do I think what is stupid, baby?”
“Y'know.”
“I don't think I do.” He whispered. “But I wanna know.”
“The makeup thing… and the long hair and painted nails and stupid jewellery.” He whispered, tears starting to burn in his eyes. “I just- is it stupid? Or weird. I-”
“It’s not, baby.” He whispered into his hair, rubbing his side for a moment as Sirius took in shaky breaths. “Where's this coming from? Hey Sirius love, what's wrong?”
“I-i don't know what it is-” He whispered. “I really don't an’ it's scary. It's so fucking scary, and I don't understand what it is. But it feels so stupid- but it doesn't? I don't-”
“Look at me, please, baby?” Sirius sniffled, sitting up in bed, wiping his eyes as he looked at Remus, who sat up as well, with his back against the headboard. “C'mere?” Sirius nodded, shifting so he could sit on Remus' lap. “What feels stupid?” He asked worriedly, brushing his hair back, and trying to look him in the eyes, but Sirius kept avoiding eye contact.
“I do.” He whispered, shaking his head. “It's like- um, I don't feel like- like a b-boy… Sometimes I do and I am, I swear. It's just- sometimes I feel like ‘s just not me. I'm sorry…”
“Shh, don't be sorry. Nothing to be sorry for.” He said softly, gently wiping away the tears that kept trailing down. “Sirius, it's okay.”
“I don't know what it is.”
“That's okay too.” Sirius looked up with his eyes wide, and still filled with tears, breaking Remus' heart. “Is- is that what you were so anxious about earlier, before James' party?” Sirius nodded, leaning against the touch as Remus wiped away tears again.
“I'm so sorry, rem.”
“Shh, shh. It's okay.” He whispered, wrapping his arms around Sirius as he leaned against him, holding him close. “I love you, sweetheart. So much. And I'm so happy you've told me, that was really brave.”
“Would you- even if I didn't- If I didn't feel like a-a boy… Would-” He leaned impossibly closer to Remus, as if he were scared that he would suddenly just leave when he asked his next question. Scared that he would just disappear now that he knew, he couldn't help but think what if. What if Remus would think about it the same way he did, that it was something weird and wrong. What if it was something he wouldn't want to deal with, that he'd just leave. That he'd leave and stop loving him after all these years, surely he wouldn't? But what if he did? “Would y-you still love me?”
“Baby,” He cooed, his heart shattering, feeling tears start to burn in his eyes as he thought about it. He felt so bad that Sirius would ever think that he wouldn't love him, especially if it was for a reason like this. Because he always would, no matter what it was. “Of course I would. I'll always love you.”
“But-” He sniffled quietly, collecting himself for a moment before looking up at Remus, taking in a sharp breath before continuing. “But, you only like boys…”
“Mm yeah, maybe. But, Sirius, you're missing something important here, I like you. Love you, in fact.” He whispered, tipping Sirius' chin up when he looked down, he wanted Sirius to look at him. He then cupped his cheeks, wiping away the tears once more. “And, I like whoever you want to be. It won't change, I love you.”
“Do you mean that?”
“Yes, baby. A Hundred percent. Always.” Remus smiled, kissing his forehead. “I. Like. You.” With each word, Remus gave him another kiss just to put extra emphasis on each one, making sure Sirius understood. Sirius blushed, doing his best to look away, but it was very much impossible with the way Remus was holding his face. “I love you, darling.”
“I love you too.” He whispered, earning another kiss on the forehead. “Thank you for loving me.”
“You’re here just to break my heart, aren't you? C'mere baby.” He whispered, pulling Sirius back into a hug, just feeling the need to hold him close, to protect him from all the harm. From every single thing, he possibly could, like the smallest blow of wind would just break him into pieces, but, even if it did, he'd be there to pick the pieces back up. “You shouldn't thank me for loving you, it's- just don't okay?”
Sirius sniffled, nodding quickly. “I'm so scared, Remus.”
“It's okay. I'm here, and I'll be here to help you. I'll always be here for you.” Sirius nodded, wrapping his arms around Remus' neck, who held him tighter by the waist in return, rubbing his back for a moment. “Don't have to go through it all alone, I'll be here for you baby, promise. Maybe it'll be less scary, hmm?”
“Everything's less scary with you.” He whispered, sitting up again so he could look back at Remus. “Always.” Remus smiled softly, giving him a tender kiss, brushing his hair behind his ear when Sirius leaned his forehead against his.
“You're pretty.” Sirius blushed, though it wasn't really noticeable as his cheeks were already flushed from the tears.
“I love you.”
“And, I love you.”