Work Text:
INT. KITCHEN – DAY?
MIKEY IS STANDING TO THE LEFT OF A HEAVILY SCRATCHED KITCHEN ISLAND, LAID OUT WITH AN ASSORTMENT OF BOWLS, PANS, WHISKS, EGGS, SPICES, ETC. HE IS WEARING AN APRON WITH A PINK TURTLE AND TEXT READING ’HAVE A TURTLEY AWESOME DAY!’ A RUSTED GAS STOVE IS BEHIND HIM ON HIS LEFT. DONNIE IS LEANING ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ISLAND, HOLDING A SLIGHTLY TERRIFIED SHELLDON IN HIS ARMS.
MIKEY
Hello, everyone! Welcome to a special edition of Donnie’s podcast: Cooking with Mikey! If you haven’t been following my cooking show, don’t worry. Today we’re making scrambled eggs! A simple but classic dish, and the first one I ever learned to make. After all, today is a day for reflection and an appreciation for the little things in life, like the Dutch oven I’ve had since I was seven.
DONNIE
SHELLDON’S battery was going to explode, where else was I supposed to put it?!
MIKEY, SMILE FROZEN, TURNS HIS HEAD VERY SLOWLY.
[STATIC]
CUT TO MIKEY. THE CAMERA IS EVER SO SLIGHTLY TILTED. DONNIE AND SHELLDON ARE NOW HUDDLED AGAINST THE FAR WALL, BOTH LOOKING DEEPLY UNNERVED.
MIKEY
The first step to scrambled eggs is the ingredients. We’re going to use responsibly sourced free-range chicken eggs mixed with a little whole milk. I like to use a ratio of 4 large eggs to ¼ cup of milk. The fat in the whole milk will make the eggs rich and fluffy. Use a whisk to blend the ingredients until the eggs are light and foamy.
CUT TO MIKEY, DONNIE, AND SHELLDON STANDING IN FRONT OF THE ISLAND. ALL THREE OF THEM ARE HAND-WHISKING BOWLS FULL OF EGGS AND MILK.
DONNIE
You know I could just use the hand mixer –
MIKEY
(aggressively cheerful)
Hand mixers are for heathens! Those of you at home will notice that our mixtures are all different hues of yellow. My bowl included sixteen whole eggs and a cup of whole milk. SHELLDON’s bowl included only half the yolks, and because my brother is a flavorless food-hater, his mixture contains no yolks at all. The white of the egg is pure protein, but the yolk contains nutrients and fat. Fat is what makes the eggs fluffy, so the fluffiness of our mixtures will vary. But don’t throw those yolks away! We’re saving them for a special surprise at the end.
CUT TO DONNIE AND MIKEY STANDING IN FRONT OF THE GAS STOVE. THREE IDENTICAL FRYING PANS REST ON THREE BURNERS. THE INTERIOR OF TWO OF THE PANS GLEAM WITH BUTTER. MIKEY IS USING A RUBBER SPATULA TO SPREAD BUTTER ON THE THIRD.
MIKEY
Time to butter the pans! The fats and oils in the butter will help the eggs cook more quickly and at a higher temperature. If you prefer using oils, try olive or avocado, both of which can handle cooking at high heats. Donnie?
DONNIE’S BATTLESHELL EXTENDS A SLIM METAL ARM AND REACHES OFF-CAMERA. IT PULLS A DIAGRAM SET ON WHEELS IN FRONT OF THE STOVE. THE DIAGRAM SHOWS A MOUNTAIN WITH ELEVATION MARKED OFF EVERY THOUSAND FEET. A CARTOON STOVE IS BOUNCING NEXT TO IT, ALONG WITH THE NUMBERS ‘2-3° F.’
MIKEY
Remember that higher altitudes mean lower boiling points, because there’s less air on top of you. Air helps push water down and makes it harder to boil off. The higher you go, the less air pushes down, so water can boil off at lower temperatures. For every 1000 feet increase in elevation, you should lower the temperature by 2-3 degrees Fahrenheit. I don’t know what that is in Celsius, because I’m from the United States, where we insist that everyone use an outdated measuring system!
DONNIE
You know I’m really impressed that you worked some science into this.
CAMERA SUDDENLY SWINGS TO THE RIGHT. THE DOOR TO THE KITCHEN SWINGS OPEN SLOWLY, REVEALING THE SHADOWY SILHOUETTES OF TWO FIGURES. ONE IS SLIM, THE OTHER TALLER AND BROADER, BOTH WITH GLOWING RED EYES.
LEO
(whispering)
We’re…so…hungry…
DONNIE
(shouting)
SHUT THE DOOR SHUT THE DOOR SHUT THE DOOR –
STATIC
THE CAMERA IS AT A SHARP ANGLE, BUT STILL FOCUSED ON MIKEY STANDING BY THE STOVE. ALL THREE PANS ARE SIZZLING AS HE FOLDS THE EGGS WITH A RUBBER SPATULA. THE SOUND OF POUNDING AND DRILLING ECHOES FROM THE RIGHT.
MIKEY
(utterly calm, smiling)
Scrambled eggs are something you can let sit for a few minutes while the heat causes the protein to coagulate. But don't leave it for too long! Stir it every 5-10 seconds or you’ll end up with an omelet! Now is the time to add in any precooked vegetables. If you add them in at the beginning, they’ll cook along with the eggs. The flavors and food colors will mix, and your fluffy yellow clouds will become sad and gray. Instead, add in your veggies when the eggs are about halfway done, just long enough for your greens to get warm. I’ve prepared a bowl of Leo’s favorites for the mixture with whole eggs – shredded kale!
DONNIE APPEARS FROM THE RIGHT, DRILL IN HAND, PANTING HEAVILY.
DONNIE
Okay, that should hold ‘em!
TWO LONG BLUE RIBBONS EXTEND SLOWLY FROM THE CEILING.
DONNIE
(looking up)
Oh god they’re in the vents –
STATIC
THE CAMERA MOVES WILDLY, THEN SETTLES UPRIGHT, FOCUSED ON MIKEY. HE IS STANDING ONCE AGAIN IN FRONT OF THE ISLAND. THREE LARGE, STEAMING PLATES OF EGGS REST ON THE ISLAND, ALONG WITH THE ASSORTMENT OF SPICES AND BOWLS. DONNIE WALKS IN FROM THE RIGHT OF THE CAMERA, HAVING APPARENTLY JUST SET IT DOWN. HE IS VISIBLY BATTERED. THERE IS A CLANGING FROM OVERHEAD. SHELLDON IS PRESSED AGAINST THE VENTS, ACTIVELY BOLTING HIMSELF TO THE CEILING. SOMETHING FROM THE VENT IS REPEATEDLY AND RHYTHMICALLY SMASHING HIM FROM THE OTHER SIDE.
MIKEY
(relentlessly cheerful)
Congratulations! You now have fluffy clouds of golden goodness, a staple of any classic breakfast! The only thing left to do is decide on a topping. You could go with chives and cheese –
MIKEY DEMONSTRATES LAYERING CHEESE AND CHIVES ON THE LEFTMOST PLATE, THE EGGS A RICH BUTTERY YELLOW THREADED WITH DARK GREEN.
MIKEY
– or perhaps you have a big sweet tooth, like our big bro Raph! You can try ketchup, which is basically what hummingbirds would drink if they also liked pizza sauce, or you can go for crowd favorites like sugar or honey. Raph’s favorite is blueberry syrup!
MIKEY PICKS UP A SMALL PITCHER OF DARK BROWN SYRUP AND POURS IT LAVISHLY OVER THE SECOND PLATE. SOMETHING LARGE AND HEAVY BEGINS POUNDING ON THE KITCHEN DOOR OFF-SCREEN TO THE RIGHT. DONNIE JUMPS NERVOUSLY.
MIKEY
If, however, you are a flavorless heathen, you might prefer a simple topping of salt.
MIKEY PICKS UP THE LAST PLATE, WHICH HOLDS NEARLY SNOW-WHITE SCRAMBLED EGGS, AND HANDS IT TO DONNIE. DONNIE PICKS UP A FORK AND TAKES A BITE. HIS EYES LIGHT UP.
DONNIE
Exactly six grains of salt?! It’s perfect! Oh I love you so much my currently favorite brother!
MIKEY
Remember those egg yolks we took out? I hope you didn’t throw them away! There are so many custards and sauces you can make with them. If you’re not sure what to do, you can freeze them for later. I mixed it with a little milk to form an egg glaze for these gorgeously flaky bread rolls!
MIKEY PULLS A PAN OF PERFECTLY GOLDEN BUNS FROM BEHIND HIM. THEY GLISTEN WITH A SLIGHTLY SHINY AND PERFECTLY EVEN GLAZE.
THE WALL BEHIND THE ISLAND CRACKS.
SHELLDON
THEY’RE IN THE [BEEEEEEEP] WALLS!
RAPH PUNCHES THROUGH THE WALL. LEO SPRINGBOARDS OFF HIS SHOULDERS AND DIVES THROUGH THE AIR, KNOCKING HEAD-FIRST INTO DONNIE’S BACK. DONNIE GOES SPRAWLING AS RAPH AND LEO DESCEND LIKE LOCUSTS UPON THE EGGS. THE PAN OF ROLLS SOMEHOW GETS SUCKED INTO THE FEEDING FRENZY. SHELLDON YELLS AND DETACHES HIMSELF FROM THE CEILING, BRINGING CHUNKS OF CEMENT WITH HIM ON HIS ROTORS AS HE DIVES TO CHECK ON DONNIE. MIKEY DOES NOT TURN AROUND.
MIKEY
(psychopathically cheerful)
I may have forgotten to make two of my brothers breakfast this morning. I wonder how it feels to have to deal with the aftermath of a pent-up explosion.
DONNIE
(off-screen, still on the floor)
I’ll buy you a new oven.
MIKEY
And I’m still your currently favorite brother?
DONNIE
Sigh of begrudging respect. Yes, you are.
MIKEY
(waving)
That’s all for today! Check out my cooking show by clicking on the link below, and tune in next week for Donnie’s guide on growing diamonds to get rich quick and collapse the diamond mine industry.
DONNIE
(raising a hand)
I’ll have a downloadable power point presentation!
MIKEY
Thanks for watching, see you next time!