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Olwyn’s fictitious yet untimely second demise had cast a shadow over the inhabitants of her former home.
The remaining Meals on Wheels delivery intended for Olwyn’s long-deceased husband Alfred now fed two but pleased none. Aodhagán claimed the quality wasn’t what it used to be, Suits said it wasn’t enough to fuel marathon gaming sessions, and they both found the puréed texture unappetizing.
It was also morally objectionable, according to their housemate Chris. Addicted to honesty and hard work, Chris bought all his own food and grumbled disapprovingly when Meals on Wheels arrived. Aodhagán was unwilling to concede a moral victory to Chris, but he did recognize that Meals on Wheels was no longer sufficient.
Something would have to change.
Aodhagán did briefly consider trying to get a job, on Chris’ well-meant (but unsolicited) advice. After updating his CV, enlisting Suits to help with references, and arguing with Chris every step of the way, he finally decided job-hunting was simply too much work. Aodhagán preferred to exploit loopholes to find the most efficient (some would say “lazy”) path through life. So, falling back on a usually reliable trick, he donned his fake Quinn’s Supermarket uniform and headed off to take advantage of the staff discount.
It worked much better than he had expected. No one noticed Aodhagán wasn’t supposed to be there, which emboldened him to visit more often. As his supermarket excursions became more frequent, he let down his guard enough to become casually acquainted with a few of the real employees.
Among them was Tina, a theatre student working part-time in the supermarket deli.
Tina was unassuming yet somehow charismatic, and seemed to Aodhagán to be a woman who knew how to avoid attracting unwanted attention. She also seemed to share his cunning, frugal attitude. A fellow schemer and anarchist, perhaps?
Although she generally kept a low profile, it quickly became apparent that Tina was making no effort to avoid Aodhagán’s attention. She was almost always at the supermarket during his visits, and they found themselves in each other’s company with increasing regularity. Though Aodhagán was accustomed to keeping others at arms’ length, Tina swiftly weaseled into his narrow circle of trust.
Ultimately, it was her scheme to reduce food waste that brought them together. One of Tina’s duties was disposing of unsold prepared food each night as required by supermarket policy. She deplored this waste, and quietly encouraged like-minded fellow employees to take home the doomed dishes. This suited Aodhagán perfectly, and soon he was bringing home enough to feed himself and Suits on several days of the week.
It wasn’t long before he started bringing Tina home too.
She was single when they met, and the more they saw each other, the friendlier she got. She seemed captivated by the (embellished) stories he told of his clever schemes and achievements, and her interest in him was very flattering indeed.
Since Tina made no secret of her poverty (“Tuition fees keep going up! Would you believe one acting course costs twelve grand?”), their date-night entertainments were frugal - sneaking into movies, picnicking in parks, and so forth. If going out was difficult, staying in was almost worse. Tina’s shared flat was tiny, so Aodhagán’s place should have been the more comfortable option. It was certainly the less crowded option when Chris went out in the evenings, which he often did. Aodhagán didn’t remember what Chris was doing (trumpet lessons? dinner with co-workers?) but he also didn’t care as long as he himself benefitted by it.
Unfortunately, Suits was always home – and he resented Tina’s visits.
After she left early one awkward evening, Aodhagán confronted Suits: “Why was tonight your night to play ‘Mister Tambourine Man’ on repeat at full volume again? A real mood killer, that was!”
“I’ve told you before, it helps me sleep! Drowns out any disturbing noises, like feminine squeals of ‘Kiss me, Acorn! Ooh, your moustache tickles!’” Suits’ high-pitched mimicry was almost hilarious, but his disgust was palpable.
“She doesn’t call me ‘Acorn’!” Aodhagán snorted. “Not my fault these walls are thin. Are you sure you aren’t just jealous because you’re single?”
“Well, she never does get your name right. Don’t look at me like that, she talks so loudly I can’t help noticing. I’ll have you know I’m not single either! I have a nice girlfriend; she’s very quiet and discreet. We’ve been together for ages.”
Aodhagán considered that Suits might be right about his name, but Tina was cute and Suits was irritating, so he kept it to himself. Suits having a girlfriend, though, was unbelievable. “Is she a character in one of your games?” he asked sarcastically.
“No, she’s real - and I love her!” insisted Suits, throwing wide the door of his cluttered room and gesturing towards the furthest corner. A life-sized inflatable doll, dressed in suit and tie, gaped back at Aodhagán as if surprised. Aodhagán, in turn, gaped incredulously at Suits. Suits ignored him, continuing wistfully “It’s just a pity we can’t afford to marry on my salary.…”
“Your nonexistent salary. Right, that’s the reason” muttered Aodhagán under his breath as he retreated, regretting the whole confrontation.
In spite of such conflicts, Aodhagán continued to find ways to spend time with Tina. Having fallen under her spell, he lived in the moment, heedless of the lies he told and unbothered by how little he knew of her life.
However, his lies had laid a trap for him. As far as Tina knew, Aodhagán was legally employed at Quinn’s and could expect a paycheque at month’s end. The longer they remained together, the more impossible it was to reveal the truth. When Tina mentioned one evening (over a picnic of day-old sandwiches) that on payday she’d like to be taken out to dinner “properly” for once, he suppressed a brief flash of panic and agreed.
He thought the situation was under control. He’d found some great coupons for pizza in this month’s junk mail, and if Tina didn’t want pizza, he could probably scrape together enough for a pub meal – so he was unprepared for the bombshell she dropped a week before his supposed payday.
“Antonio’s?” Aodhagán struggled to disguise his shock and dismay. The swankiest restaurant in town, with a highly-regarded (if eccentric) master chef, Antonio’s was the sort of place where you needed to take out a mortgage for a bottle of wine. “Don’t people have to make reservations a month in advance?”
“No, Acorn, only a few days this time of year” Tina corrected him with a giggle. “I’ll arrange the reservation if you like, but next Saturday night you’re going to have to man up and buy me dinner like you promised.”
Next Saturday! Aodhagán hadn’t appreciated how quickly the end of the month was approaching. Nor had he realized he was dealing with a woman of such expensive tastes. The warm internal glow he usually felt in Tina’s presence had been replaced by a sudden icy chill.
“We can’t! I – I don’t have anything formal enough to wear!” he stammered, gesturing at his favourite vintage shirt.
“Borrow a suit from that flatmate of yours! Come on, Aragorn! I’ve helped you save money on groceries, and I’ve wanted to go there for ages, and you know I’m too poor to pay my own way. Won’t you do this for me?” she pouted, fluttering her eyelashes.
How could he refuse?
Aodhagán’s mind churned all night, but no easy solution presented itself. He needed money he didn’t have!
The next day Chris noticed him moping and, when confronted with the problem, not only didn’t lend him any money but actually advised him to be honest. That didn’t sit well with Aodhagán. Owning up would just be horribly embarrassing, and she’d probably dump him….
...Unless he dumped her first.
That was it! After all, the thought of spending time with Tina – which used to seem so pleasant – now filled him with anxiety anyway. If he broke up with her, the problem would be solved!
Aodhagán readied a list of previously-overlooked petty grievances and steeled himself for his next excursion to Quinn’s, when he expected to find Tina bubbling with dinner reservation news.
Instead, he found no Tina at all. This baffling situation continued for hours until he remembered he didn’t actually work there and slipped away.
Aodhagán’s housemates were in the living room, arguing over television channels. Suits glanced up briefly as Aodhagán walked in, allowing Chris to grab the remote and switch on the evening news. Suddenly all were transfixed by the sight of Tina’s face on the screen!
“- escaped two months ago from the prison where she was serving time on charges of theft and fraud, was recaptured yesterday after being identified near Antonio’s Restaurant. The fugitive is reported to have been using the name Tina, posing as a student to hide her identity -”
Aodhagán muted Tiernan Callaghan and turned to the others, indignant. “So that’s why Tina never showed up today. She’s a criminal? And her name’s not even Tina? And this is how I find out?” he sputtered. “She lied to me this whole time!”
“You’re one to talk! You didn’t tell her that your job was fake!” snapped Chris with equal indignation. “It sounds to me like your relationship was based on falsehoods! Maybe her lies were bigger than yours – oh, I’m sure you told a few, I remember your CV – but you’re still a hypocrite!”
“At least now you don’t have to break up with her or take her to Antonio’s” mentioned Suits helpfully.
Aodhagán exhaled. Suits was right. He’d been blinded by Tina’s charms. Losing her this way was probably for the best….
Chris continued: “You’ll never have an honest job or a healthy relationship if you cozy up with con-artists! It’s lucky she didn’t drag you into some major crime, or you’d both be going to jail now.”
Sudden horror overtook contempt for Chris’ sanctimonious attitude. No doubt the date at Antonio’s was part of some dastardly scheme! Aodhagán felt a chill creep over him as his mind leapt to the conclusion that she must have been planning to rob the place – and probably pin the crime on him! He was lucky indeed to have escaped.
“Ugh, I think I’ll just avoid women from now on. Not worth it!” Aodhagán was almost hyperventilating.
“Oh, don’t be ridiculous! You can’t assume all women are untrustworthy just because one woman is! They’re - all - different!” Chris sounded increasingly frustrated. “If you treated people honestly instead of using them – but you won’t take my advice, will you?”
“What if it’s bad advice?” asked Aodhagán with great skepticism.
“Can’t be any worse than taking your own advice” Chris muttered under his breath, before adding for all to hear “Anyways, I don’t have time to argue with you any more tonight. I have a date to prepare for.”
“You’ve got –” Aodhagán sputtered incredulously.
“Yes. I have a girlfriend. I’ll have you know I met her at work - where we are both legitimately employed - and we’re honest with each other. Unlike some people.”
The other two gaped as Chris smugly delivered his parting shot:
“The only thing I’m hiding from her is the surprise I’ve got planned for her birthday next month. I’m taking her to dinner at Antonio’s.”