Chapter Text
After Raccoon City, Leon believed he wasn’t one who deserved love.
He had been trying to search for some sparks. Trying to throw himself inside the ring, flirting and catching other’s attention. He thought being with Ada was the only good thing he could ever experience in his life. That was by far the only thrill he could get when it came to being attracted to someone romantically.
After all, he could not rest. Not when the government needed him. Not when the B.O.W. would run rampant in this world.
He was just — wasn’t cut out for love.
That was why for years in his life, he just focused on his mission. His encounter with the black-haired mercenary was something that happened once in a few years. He didn’t have to fear a positive outcome ever blooming between him and her.
Because he knew she too would not settle down.
That became the sole reason why he never stopped indulging himself with her.
The illusion was strong. He kept lying to himself that it was enough. Having a home and sharing it with someone he loved wasn’t something that he would have in this life. Leon never wanted to have that dream again. It was buried the same night as the cop in him died.
Until he met you fifteen years ago.
A young girl. Much younger than him who had everything laid out perfectly for her. You just graduated from college at that time, but you already received lots of good offers from top companies. Even the international one.
But you turned them down instead, choosing your university as a place for you to dedicate your life to. You wanted to give back — similar to him, you wanted to give back to the community. You wanted to serve. His path, however, was far from normal.
That was why he left.
After two years of keeping you as his piece of safe haven, he finally let you go.
Once again believing that a life filled with mundane love wasn’t meant for him. He already sold his soul to whatever demon out there, forever walking alone on earth. With the exchange of slow ageing, he chained himself to the duty of cleansing the earth from the impurity called bio-organic weapons.
When would it end, though? He never knew.
After his last mission to cut the distribution chain of a marine bio-organic weapon, he was asked whether he wanted to take another or rest. Fifteen years he never took a vacation. Not wanting the same mistake to happen twice.
He called your number back in the day because he was bored. Because he wanted to make friends with someone who didn’t know anything much about the dark world that Umbrella left behind. You were just in your last year of college back then, and truthfully, he enjoyed each second that he spent with you.
He enjoyed it. So much that he didn’t want to leave the heaven he created with you. You showed him that he was worthy of someone’s attention. Worthy to be cherished, to be cooked their favourite meal, whose birthday deserved to be celebrated with such an extravagant plan.
You replanted a dream that he thought would never be able to grow again. Not when his soul had become a barren land. No one ever stops to pour just a drop of water. For more than two decades, he never knew how it felt to actually live the life he wanted.
Until he realised that there were so many trees growing once again ever since he met you. His soul which was bare and dry, had become a whole damn forest. You kept watering it. Like a cloud bestowing him with relentless rain. Ensuring he would never have to feel thirsty for affection. To not make him have to scrap around anymore to just experience how it feels to be loved.
You gave it all for him. Even when he couldn’t be contacted for days or weeks. You never complained. Always greeting him with a smile and the warmest hug you could ever muster the second you saw him in front of your door.
The two of you were — nothing.
No strings attached, no question about the title and the relationship between you two.
He just knew that he had grown to love you so. And perhaps, the same goes for you. You loved him, you even said it in your sleep.
How tragic that the second he heard those pretty words coming out of your lips, were the reason why he decided to cut all the trees that you had planted in him. Love was supposed to be a welcoming feeling, it was supposed to be embraced without fear.
But fear had got the best of him. Fear and the feeling of unworthiness that never once left his body.
He stupidly left the only safe place he could find on this earth. Burning away all of the love that you gave him. Not even letting an ash linger. He closed the door of your apartment door one day and left, blocking your number before changing his.
Leon never allowed anyone in again ever since.
If he couldn’t even have you, then, he wouldn’t even let himself find anyone else.
Because what was the point of letting you go if he ended up staying with another?
Unlike any of his vacations before meeting you, this time, he decided to just enjoy one of the safest cities in the state. Greenwich, Connecticut. The place wasn’t too bustling with life, not too quiet either as it was right balanced of livelihood and private atmosphere.
Claire recommended this city. She had been saving up to live here, and he whistled in disappointment when he realised how expensive the listing was around here.
Maybe the President could pull some strings for him, but he didn’t want to rush things. He needed to make sure this city might be the best place for his retirement in later years. But the second he sat on the balcony overlooking the coast, he was sold.
For the first three days of his vacation, he just busied himself with reading. A new hobby he picked, alongside collecting vintage books and cool trinkets from all over the antique shops he stumbled upon.
Today, however, he had to go out. Claire and Chris were also planning to come here, staying in a hotel downtown. For once in a while, it would be nice indeed to talk with them without worrying about their job. It had been months since the last time they worked together, so a casual meeting would always be welcomed.
Leon cracked his neck a bit after he stepped out of the rented house. He made sure to lock the door, humming softly as he decided to check the town two hours before their get-together time. It had been fifteen years since the last time he went on a vacation, and truthfully, he missed it.
He was glad he didn’t think too much about you. Only sometimes. It was still too often, but not in all of his waking hours like a few years ago.
Sometimes, he wanted to search for your name on the database. He had the power to see how you were, what was happening in your life and all. To get to know how successful you had become, how happy your life probably was — without him in it.
“Damnit.” His heart ached when that thought struck his mind all of a sudden. It made him curse under his breath, frowning as the loneliness and longing spiked up once again. “You did the right thing, Leon. You always did the right thing, leaving her.”
It was the mantra that he had to tell himself over and over again. Used to be every hour, but now it has been reduced to at least once a week. You still had a part, no. You still had his entire heart in your hands, without you knowing, without you probably could ever believe, that was the truth.
Even if one day he was on the death bed. If he was fortunate enough to live past seventy. His mind was disorientating, but he would still remember the first time you introduced yourself to him.
One moment that changed everything.
“Excuse me.” He flinched a bit when he felt a tap on his back. “I’m sorry to bother you, sir, but have you seen a little girl around here? She wore denim jeans and a green turtleneck shirt. She’s like, uh, around your waist. With straight blonde hair and her eyes—”
“Hey, hey, slow down.” Leon pursed his lips in worry when the boy kept panicking. His hand immediately went to the boy’s shoulder, squeezing it a bit to ground himself. “Take a deep breath, your sister must have been around here.”
“How do you know I am searching for my sister?!”
“Instinct.” He answered nonchalantly. Well, it sounded like so, but he was far from being nonchalant right now. “Alright, you have calmed down. Do you have pictures of her?”
Licking his lips, the boy fetched his phone from the pocket jeans. In just a second, he unlocked his phone and showed Leon a picture of him and a little girl. “And when was the last time you saw her? Are there any places she wants to go?”
“Just half an hour ago. We were both inside that small bakery before I realised she was gone.” Distress laced on the boy’s tone. Leon scrutinised him, probably in his high school. “We lived here, sir. My mom is currently out of town, she will be back this afternoon and we planned to get her favourite cake. We both waited for the cheesecake to be ready, but in the middle of it, I was doing my homework. I didn’t realise she wasn’t in front of me anymore.”
When Leon came to Greenwich, he would never have thought he would be on a mission. “The police station is too far, and I—”
“Don’t worry.” He checked his time, still more than two hours before the time he hung out with the Redfields. “I will help. Come on, let’s search for her. She wouldn’t be far.”
To reduce the chance of the poor boy from having a heart attack, Leon decided to converse with him in between the pursuit. His name was Dante, a cool name, Leon complimented. Which earned a cheeky smile from the boy as he boasted that his mother took it from one of her favourite franchises.
His prediction was also right. Dante was in his first year of high school. He used to live in New York, but his mother believed Greenwich was much safer and a greater option to raise children. “Talk about safety, then you should keep that in mind. Maybe your sister just roams around, she must have known the street back home, right?”
“Oh, home!” The soft blue eyes of the boy lit up within an instant. “Maybe she went home! Sir Leon, I think I would like to check my house first.”
“I told you to drop the sir,” he chuckled, slightly amused at the relief he could find in the boy’s voice. He followed Dante towards one of the suburbs. Thank God it wasn’t too far from downtown. Only about fifteen minutes of running, he was fine with it. And his smile was so full of pride knowing that even Dante didn’t seem to be out of breath. Not as much.
“Leon, see that house with a large garden? The one without a fence?”
“Uhuh, the one with the black Rubicon parked in front of it?”
“Yup! That one— oh, shit.” The boy instantly stopped on his track. “Oh, shit. Ma's home. She’s home, fuck.” Suddenly, he kept on cursing like a sailor, panicking since he knew he fucked up. Going home without his sister, without a cake to surprise his mother. The plan was ruined. “L-Leon, thank you so much for today. You should stay here, I can’t let you face her wrath—”
“Dante!”
A woman came out from the car, revealing the infamous, loving mother that he kept on talking about over the last few minutes they spent together searching for his sister. “Come here, young man. I need to hear some explanation.”
“C-Coming, Ma!”
His shoulder slumped in dejection, knowing fully well that he had to face her anger. Dante already felt guilty, Leon could see it because even now, the little girl hadn’t been found. While the boy was scolded, maybe he could roam the town. “I’ll see you around! Wish me luck.”
From afar, he could see a woman with her hair tied up into a bun. She stood beside the car. Her hands were on her hips as she waited for Dante to come closer. “Hey, Ma—”
“Would you explain why I saw Virgil walking around the town alone, dear?”
“Virgil’s with you?!”
“Yes. She’s more than alright. Fast asleep once I picked her up.” Leon was supposed to walk away, but when he heard that the little girl was now safe and sound, his worry was now addressed towards his new acquaintance. “But I wonder how come she’s out there alone. Would you mind giving me some explanation?”
From her tone, it sounded like she wasn’t the type of parent who judged and easily angered by mistakes that her kids made. She tried to be as calm as possible, but the way Dante stuttered here and there, Leon couldn’t help himself but walk towards them. Subconsciously so. “Dante, Ma is not angry, alright? I was worried about you too.”
“Excuse me, Ma’am. Your son—”
The second he uttered the sentence, he wished he hadn’t.
His eyes were fixated on Dante most of the time. He spoke without taking a proper look at her mother. Now that he did, he wished he hadn’t been so reckless.
“Leon?” He should have been able to recognise it. That voice, the way you called his name. “What are you doing here?” It was the voice that belonged to the only one who had his heart. Who in every time he breathed in this earth, it was so easy for him to do so because he knew you existed. “You are… really Leon,”
He stared at you with a dumbfounded look. You wore a large framed sunglasses, but you immediately took it off to take a proper look at him. Your eyes were now exposed, and it was still as beautiful as he remembered from more than a decade ago.
“Wait, Ma, you know him?”
Dante sounded confused. Perhaps not expecting the guy who had been helping him knows his beloved mother. None of you said anything, unsure of how to answer. Leon couldn’t think right now. His mind was usually easy to process things, but now, it just filled with the thought of you.
You looked more than fine. It seemed life had treated you well. A white suit cladded your skin, hugging your body so perfectly. You looked like a government agent, but he really hoped you weren’t. Maybe a lecturer, probably a Professor now.
“Dante, sweetheart. Please take Virgil inside.”
“Eh, why?”
“Now.”
Your voice was calm, but there was urgency there. He couldn’t think of the reason why. Then again, it was a surprise you didn’t turn around and leave him there all alone after what he did. Fifteen years ago, inside the apartment downtown, the two of you used to cuddle after each night of channelling carnal desire.
But it was fifteen years ago. Time flies so fast. He was sure you were not a teaching assistant anymore, already graduating and earned your master’s degree and perhaps working somewhere. If you could afford a house here with such a huge garden and renovated well, then, you must have got everything you wanted.
When Dante closed the front door of the house while carrying Virgil, there were so many things he wanted to ask.
But, why should he? He didn’t have the right to know what happened to you.
He was the one who decided to cut things off.
“Sorry, I will be leaving.”
Leon gave you a small nod before turning around. His lips shaped into a thin line as he didn’t want to cry. He didn’t want to show you that he often regretted not pursuing a mundane life with you. Not when you looked so — fine. “Take care,”
“Always eager to leave.” You whispered, which words were enough to stop him from taking another step forward. “I wonder how much the government paid you, Leon.”
Your intonation was laced with mockery. Maybe you thought he left because the government asked him to. Well, if he told them that he wanted to retire, he had a feeling that it wouldn’t be easy. Sadly, you didn’t know that the real reason why he left was formed from his own mind and insecurity.
The age gap between you two — he always thought it was too much. You deserve someone who is stable, easy to contact, alive, and able to support you on every step of the way. Someone your age, who would never leave you alone like what he did. “Leaving must be your greatest skill, huh, Leon?”
“I am sorry.” He turned to face you. His face showed his regret but with the way you had walls built around you at the moment, he knew it would be easy for you to miss it. “My life, my job… it would only endanger you. I—”
“So you cut things off with me. Not telling me anything and just leave like that because you cared for my entire being, is that it?”
“Yes.”
“That’s a dick move.” You laughed, a bitter one at that as you leaned your back on the hood of your car. “You never cared about me. If you did, you would at least tell me about your decision. But you didn’t! You just cared about yourself, Leon. Leaving is the easiest option and that was why you chose that path. Just admit it.”
In a way, it was. Leaving you was the easiest way out. He knew you didn’t deserve to have someone unstable in your life as your lover. You didn’t need a guy who couldn’t take care of himself most of the time. That was why he left.
“It was.” He could see your lips wobbling at the admission. “Leaving you is the easiest way out. Because I don’t have to tell you the reason why, I wouldn’t falter. I could just pack my bag and leave, change my number and hide myself in the shadows.” After all this time, he wondered if it was possible for you to still want him? “B-But you are wrong if you think it’s easy for me to leave you.”
What he did was cruel, he shouldn’t expect his existence to linger in your life for so long.
But it did.
He gasped when he saw you bit your lower lips. Your eyes glossed with tears before a small sob escaped your lips. “I was scared, Leon.”
His feet had brought him closer to you. Having the mind on its own. “When I couldn’t contact you, I panicked. You usually texted me something, apologising for not being able to stay for too long.” His rational mind knew that he should just turn around again. Like what he did before. “I thought I did something. M-Maybe I did something,” But when he saw you cry, how could his heart ever let you be alone?
“No.” His hand hovered near your cheek. Hesitating. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” You didn’t push him away, but you were not his to begin with. “I left because…” He wasn’t even supposed to come near you. Leon already closed that chapter for a long time. “Because I know I am not good for you.” And yet he stood in front of you, enlightening you with the reason for his disappearance.
“You don’t know that, Leon.”
“I know! I was too deep in whatever shit hole the world put me in. I couldn’t settle down. Not when the government needed me. When my friends needed me to continue.” He didn’t want to raise his voice, but you had to see his perspective. “I couldn’t possibly give you a life where your lover was never home.”
“I don’t mind any of that, Leon! I have been with you for two years without asking for more! I never asked you to stay for days, as long as you let me know where I stand in your life!” That was it, wasn’t it? Certainty. “I asked you now. Did I ever force you to stay with me back then?” The only thing you needed from him.
“No,”
“See?!” You were always good. He knew that. “I-I really don’t mind too if you end up wanting to be with someone else, Leon,” Always waiting for him. Greeting him with the warmest smile you could ever give. “But you could at least visit your son.”
“What…?”
He swallowed a huge lump. Taking three steps backwards at the sudden drop of a bomb. You said nothing more to elaborate. Only staring at him with slightly vacant eyes. Your tears were still there, but your eyes were empty. “My son?”
You knew he was smart. That was why you decided to shut your lips. Your first child was basically him with your hair colour. “Dante?”
“Who else?”
“But his last name,”
“My ex-husband.” That was enough of an explanation. “I was married for five years. We had Virgil together.” Enough to explain how he was unfamiliar with Dante’s last name when he introduced himself. “We didn’t work out, though.”
Leon was weak on the knees. At this time, he should leave. Excusing himself because he had somewhere else to go. There was nothing he could do anyway. He already made his mind and that was to leave his love behind. This was just another transit.
“Why?” And yet he found his feet rooted to the ground. Unchanged.
“What do you think?” You were the one who came closer. Forcing your way towards him, like what you did almost two decades ago. “I asked for divorce because I realised I could never love him as much as I love you, Leon.”
The sentence was enough to knock the air out of his lungs. He couldn’t believe it. That someone was capable of loving him despite being treated like shit. Someone actually loved him when he thought he was so unworthy of affection.
How could it be possible? He left you all alone inside your apartment. Cutting any kind of contact with you as he vanished into thin air. As if he was never there.
And yet it stayed. Unlike his physical being. The love you harboured towards him stayed for a long time. “No one could ever do.”
His hand gently went to your cheek, fingers brushing your hair to the back before he rested his palm on your skin. You didn’t belong to someone else. So it was alright for him to be this close to you, right? He would be lying to himself if he said he didn’t want this. If he said he didn’t miss the taste of your lips.
You leaned in first. Your lips brushed against his to remind him of how it feels. He always needed that, the small little push. And so, he captured the same lips that he kissed all those years ago. His hand slithered to your nape, pulling you deeper as both of your eyes closed altogether with him.
He almost forgot. How the world rotated only around the two of you whenever he was this close. It was the power that only you could bear. Whenever there was not even an inch of gap between you and him, all negativity that was in his head, gone without a trace.
There was nothing else to think about. Just you and him. In the bubble that you created so perfectly, shielding him from the sorrow and pain of the world.
It was so easy to love you. He even believed that if he asked, you would let him into your life all over again. It was so easy to love him too,
But he still couldn't see it.
“Leon—”
As a teardrop fell down to your cheek. Not yours. His, he sighed before turning away from you. “Leon, come back here!” Again, for the second time. “You are such a coward! ” Not looking back. Never. Hopefully never again.
He bit his lower lips as he walked away. Numbing his mind so none of his senses could catch anything from you.
His eyes wouldn’t be able to see your tears, hear the sobs and your pitiful cries. He didn’t let himself be swayed once again. Leon left you for a reason. He wouldn’t swallow his own spit after fifteen years.
As much as he wanted to.
As much as a part of him wondered if maybe he was worthy of love.
He buried it all at the deepest part of his mind. Just like what he did all those years ago.