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As soon as she hit ‘Send’, Naoto shut the screen off, put the phone in the pocket of her light-brown coat, and shifted her look to the window on her right.
The train she took was an early one, and the view outside was boringly blurry. With every minute of the ride, further away from Tokyo, she could see more snow piling up on the fields and plains.
The winters in Inaba were the same as always.
Staring emptily into the cold haze outside, Naoto was desperately trying to convince herself that no matter what reply she’d get, it would be fine. But deep inside, she knew that the meeting she had asked for was both necessary, inevitable, and long overdue.
As she leaned against the cool window glass, her long dark hair strands swung down from her shoulder into the space between the seat and the train’s wall. Naoto’s car was almost completely empty because of the unpopular destination and the rumbling along the tracks remained the only sound filling her head during the entire trip.
The vibration in her pocket was unexpectedly quick, making her jolt in anxiety. In a vain attempt to keep herself under control, Naoto took out her phone and looked at the notification with the recently received text message.
“Not busy. Will meet ya at the station.”
***
Just as he’d promised, Kanji did show up at the Inaba railway station in time for the arrival of the train. Although, from what Naoto could tell, he’d been waiting longer than necessary: both his hands and face were noticeably red from the cold.
“Nice to see you again, Kanji-kun. Sorry for making you go out in the cold…”
“Ah, no problem!” Kanji ruffled his black hair and averted his eyes almost immediately. “It’s.. nice to have you back in town, Naoto!”
Both the averted gaze and the shaky laugh were enough proof that their talk from 3 years ago was still on Kanji’s mind.
Naoto guiltily pressed her lips together and reached for her suitcase.
“I’ll get that,” Kanji got ahead of her and took the suitcase, lifting it up.
“..Um, Kanji-kun, you don’t need to-…”
“Hey, I’m just doin’ what any guy in this situation would do. Just cuz we’re friends and all!”
He was obviously nervous, and Naoto dropped her eyes in genuine sympathy.
“..I mean, you don’t need to carry it. It has wheels,” she explained quietly. “You can roll it.”
“…Ah. Gotcha.”
Abashed, Kanji put the suitcase down, took a few steps ahead of Naoto, and started rolling the luggage behind himself.
Naoto wondered if it would have been better if she just hadn't come to the group’s New Year’s get-together at all and had no reason to meet Kanji face to face. Then, they both could have avoided the hurt they now both had to go through.
“As things are now, both Kanji and you have already been hurt for a couple years now, right?”
Having remembered Yu’s line, she quietly sighed.
He had a point. But what could one do about the pain that just didn’t have a solution?
"You're, uh, staying with your gramps, right?"
"Ah. Yes." Kanji’s sudden question pulled Naoto out of her thoughts.
Yet, after she gave her reply, they both just kept walking in an uncomfortable silence.
Reminding herself that it was this very silence that she wanted to preemptively do something about and avoid during the meetup, Naoto pushed herself into the conversation first.
“..Is there anything you’d.. want to discuss, Kanji-kun?”
“Me, uh? No, not really.”
It wasn’t as if a simple hint like that would be enough to get them straight to the talk they’d avoided since graduation. Since Kanji had impulsively blurted out a confession and Naoto had left town without ever giving him an answer.
Being entirely honest with herself, Naoto was still dreading that very conversation and didn’t see much point in it. She knew it would just hurt them both even more.
But at the same time, she couldn’t argue that the two of them needed some closure at last.
She took a deep breath.
“Regarding something you said 3 years ago and.. something I have never answered–…”
Naoto let the pause linger for a little while as she was trying to assemble her own thoughts – but in this very short pause, Kanji stopped walking.
“Let’s, er.. forget I ever said anythin’, eh?”
A step ahead of Naoto, Kanji still had his back turned to her.
“I mean.. it was whole 3 years ago,” he chuckled, ruffling his black hair. “Don’t worry ‘bout it. I’m done being hung up on that myself, too.”
Something about these words made Naoto’s chest heavy, and the weight doubled when Kanji turned to look at her over the shoulder with a grin on his face.
“So let’s just be the sorta friends we used to be before, 'kay?”
Naoto didn’t know how to feel or react. She was supposed to be relieved since they now didn’t need to discuss something very personal, confusing, and painful. But even if Kanji didn’t lie and had indeed gotten over his past emotions, hers, unfortunately, still lingered.
And there was no closure in sight for her anymore.
"...Of course. Okay".
All Naoto could do, however, was say that with a nod and a forced smile.
Because the primary goal of this meeting was to ensure a smooth and peaceful New Year’s party, first and foremost.
***
That goal went right through the window thanks to the efforts of literally everyone but Naoto and Kanji, though.
Worse – Yosuke’s drunken remark ruined all the possibility for their ‘friendship’ to actually happen.
After being crudely outed for his still dwelling romantic feelings, Kanji clammed up in the middle of the messy talk and barely ever said a word till the end of the disastrous party.
Naoto couldn’t help but feel angry at Yosuke for stepping into her and Kanji’s private affairs so casually. Still, at the same time, she also felt oddly grateful to him for uncovering the actual state of the things.
With ill intent or no intent at all, Yosuke ended up shedding light on the painful burden that Kanji had been planning to carry on his own. And that pain would have definitely prevented any real opportunities for his and Naoto's friendship to resume.
Once again, she had to accept the simple truth that the two of them did need to talk after all.
That truth was even further reinforced by the tragic mess that were Yukiko and Chie’s relationship, Rise and Teddy’s toxic competition, as well as the drama between Yu, Yosuke, and the person who was neither present at the party nor a part of the Investigation Team to begin with.
As ironic and sad as it was, Naoto and Kanji’s situation was the most peaceful and serene of all, even if on the outside.
But it didn’t mean that it was any less complicated and painful on the inside.
***
“I’ll let you all know as soon as I get any days. We’ll.. talk right there and then, I guess.”
Naoto took a moment and then replied to Yu with a hesitant nod.
She had actually expected him to schedule a calm conversation with the entire group much sooner than the trial they all were planning to be a jury in a few months later.
“..Yes. I suppose we will.”
She paused, waiting for Yu to suggest an earlier meeting after all, but the former leader of the group was silent.
He looked infinitely more tired than the day before and avoided eye-contact with Naoto during most of the talk. It was obvious that the 'announcement' he’d made last night was significantly weighing him down.
And yet, Yu was at Inaba’s police station on January 1st at 11 in the morning, diligently handling the case he’d signed up for himself.
Before coming here, Naoto had half-hoped that Yu would ask about her plans to handle the situation with Kanji and give her the support and the push that she needed. But seeing him, she realized just how selfish she had been to assume that Yu should still be thinking about others’ troubles no matter how much these others made him hurt.
After the events of the previous day, Yu probably wasn’t feeling like he had the right to help anyone with anything, too. Or even be in the know about their problems.
He definitely had his own pain and troubles to handle now. And while she – and everyone else on the team – had always openly entrusted their issues to him, Yu had been the only one forced to deal with his hurt on his own.
They’d relied on him so much that he couldn’t rely on any of them in return.
This realization made Naoto admit that she had to count on her own strength.
“Then.. I’ll be on my way now,” she said at last. “I’ve still got one more important visit to pay before the evening train.”
Despite herself, she gave a small hint, but Yu just nodded. Either he really didn’t want to meddle or thought that she meant her grandfather. Perhaps even both.
That was fair – Yu deserved a break by all means.
After saying her goodbye, Naoto left the police station and headed to Tatsumi residence.
###
“Gimme a sec, ma!”
Thinking that the knock on the door was from his mother, who had gone out to Junes, Kanji went down the stairs. He had been up in his room, busy with the fabric dyeing process up until now and trying to distract himself from yesterday evening.
“Told ya to tell me when you’re goin’ grocery shoppin’, stop carryin’ all those heavy damn—”
He started talking as soon as he got to the first floor but had to stop once he opened the door and saw Naoto instead of his mom.
“—bags…” he finished the sentence in a quiet voice.
They both remained awkwardly silent for a few moments.
“…Can I come in?” Naoto asked at last.
“Y-yeah, sure,” Kanji stepped aside, letting her inside the house.
They stood at the door for a while more until Naoto rubbed her neck.
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to have a talk that could be… quite lengthy.”
“Ah. Sure,” Kanji repeated the word. “Come on in.”
He went through the showroom with the store’s fabric, showing Naoto the way to the small dining space deeper in the house. With his chin, he pointed at one of the sitting pillows around a small table and grabbed one for himself, sitting across.
“So, uh… the party was a wild mess, huh?” Kanji forced a nervous chuckle, ruffling his dark hair. “Sitting like this kinda reminds me of yesterday…”
“I have to admit, that wasn’t the reunion I pictured,” Naoto sighed in agreement. “Yosuke-senpai truly crossed too many lines there.”
“Yeah…” Kanji trailed off and tried shifting the topic away from Yosuke on purpose. “You knew that Yu-senpai was connected to the case like that, huh?”
“I wouldn’t call it ‘connected’,” Naoto mused. “I just.. felt that he had been carrying a heavier burden than everyone else for these past five years. And when you think about it, there’s no reason why his immense empathy would only work on us .”
“True,” Kanji admitted with a laugh. “Senpai’s got a big heart, huh? Guess feeling so deeply for everyone isn’t so good and easy…”
“It’s definitely not easy at all,” Naoto nodded.
They spent some more time in shared, now slightly less awkward silence before Naoto took a sharp breath and spoke.
“About what Yosuke-senpai said when you were trying to stop him from–...”
“A-a-a-a!” Panicking, Kaji started waving his hands. “No need to pay attention to everything he blabbered, right?”
Naoto softly shook her head.
"Regardless of his intentions, I'm glad he said what he did. I wouldn’t want to forever avoid this uncomfortable discussion while it’s still something that bothers you.” She sighed. “I have postponed my answer long enough as is…”
“No need to give it!” Kanji kept waving his hands. “I, uh, know it anyways, so.. uh, yeah. I’m even glad you've never voiced it until now cuz it’s.. kinda easier that way, y'know…”
He trailed off and had to wait for a while until Naoto finally reacted, sounding surprised.
“I think you’re misunderstanding me, Kanji-kun. The reason why I didn’t answer wasn’t because I don’t like you.”
The words made Kanji’s brain freeze.
“..Huh?" He blinked in shock. "I mean.. I sorta.. I thought that you stayed silent to avoid hurting me, and.. but…” Kanji felt confused and confounded all at the same time. “...Why then?”
Naoto heaved a loud sigh and closed her eyes.
“If I had to put it into just a single sentence.. it’s because someone like me isn’t compatible with you.”
Puzzled, Kanji blinked again.
“...Now wait a sec, are you just–..." he furrowed his brow. "You're telling me this to make me feel better, right?”
“Not at all, no,” Naoto decisively shook her head. “It’s all just very complicated to explain and.. still quite uncomfortable to hear, I’m afraid.”
“Well, I guess we’re both being uncomfortable for a while now, huh?” Kanji chuckled nervously. “So.. maybe having this 'complicated talk' isn't a bad idea after all?"
Seeing Naoto slowly lower her chin calmed Kanji down a little. At least her trust still wasn’t gone and he felt stupidly happy about it.
After Naoto took a slow breath, she looked him straight in the eye.
“I have feelings for you, Kanji-kun.”
His throat went dry.
“But due to certain… biological issues, I’m… afraid I’m not the right person for a relationship with you.”
Kanji had to take a few moments to process what he heard.
After that he blabbered the first thing he could explain the words with.
“Do you mean.. you’re a.. guy?”
This time, it was Naoto’s turn to blink in confusion.
“..Ah? No. Biologically, I’m female. And I’ve come to realize that I shouldn’t search for any abstract ‘boxes’ of expectations to restrict my personality at all.” She finally realized what threw Kanji off. “By ‘biological issues’ I mean the way my brain handles human relationships. To be honest, I’m not sure the reason is even biological in nature. But it definitely is outside of my control.”
She slowly breathed in again before continuing.
“I would love to preface this by asking you not to take anything I say next personally, Kanji-kun, all right? What I’m going to talk about is my feelings – or, to be precise, lack of – to anyone, in general. This is a problem that lies neither in you nor anyone else. Only in me and me alone.”
Kanji gulped.
“..A-alright?”
Naoto waited a little longer, as if hoping that Kanji would back down, and then faced him again.
“Truth is, I don’t ever feel attracted to people in the physical sense. At all.”
She paused for a while, letting Kanji to interject. But he decided to listen her out in full first.
"I know that when people talk about 'love', they mean a rush of uncontrollable “charged” emotions and the invisible, unstoppable gravity that makes them desire to physically get closer to the other person. I understand how this works for most people, in theory. To be honest, a week ago I even asked Yu-senpai about his private experiences to vaguely confirm this.”
Kanji still couldn’t say he understood the situation fully enough to suggest his point of view and instead allowed Naoto to continue.
“For some reason, I.. don't experience that charged physical gravity. Even when I feel immense mental closeness and wish for emotional proximity, I, unfortunately, don't get overwhelmed by any powerful sensual energy."
She closed her eyes.
“I don’t exactly know what makes me be like this. I wouldn’t say that I lacked affection as a child. But.. somehow, I grew up the way that makes my love insufficient for an adult.”
Naoto bit down on her lip before facing Kanji again.
“That's why, albeit your feelings are mutual, I think a relationship with me would be unfair to you. You deserve a bond where someone is naturally drawn to you in a way that’s human and.. normal . A bond with someone who isn't as distorted as I am and can offer the sensual contact that is necessary for everyone."
Realizing that Naoto laid it out as much as she could so far, Kanji felt nervous because he still didn’t quite get the issue. He had lots of questions but could only hope he’d be able to formulate them properly and ask them in the right order not to ruin the already very fragile situation.
He knew that staying silent would only make things worse, though.
“..Can I ask you somethin’?”
“Sure,” Naoto smiled weakly. “That’s why I’m not just sending you a one-way text or an email. I wanted to discuss all this at length, in person.”
Kanji nodded and then, abashedly, averted his gaze.
“Can you.. tell me what, uh,.. you do feel for me?”
“..Ah,” realizing that she’d been too stressed about explaining her problems to deliver the most important part of the actual reply, Naoto guiltily put a stray hair strand behind her ear. “Sorry, yes, of course. I can try putting that into words now...”
She took some time collecting her thoughts.
And then she looked Kanji in the eye again.
“I deeply admire the person you are, Kanji-kun. More than anyone else,” she pronounced solemnly. “I’m amazed by how kind-hearted and open-minded you are, and.. I always wish I could get to know you even more than I already do. You’re not someone who’s swayed by or adapts to the opinion of others. You live by your own fair and just principles. You straightforwardly pursue your passions, no matter what everyone else says, and I feel like this is something we share.”
Naoto’s lips shaped a soft curve.
“The ways in which you are so different from me are also very.. intriguing to me. I love how frankly and freely you speak your mind and talk about what you feel. How courageously you disclose your insecurities to those you trust. It’s very refreshing to talk to you because you’re so extremely genuine, too. And.. you’re a place I’d love to return to – if that makes sense. A place of my heart’s comfort, where I feel relaxed, understood, genuine, and needed - and where I want to give the sentiment back. That’s your company.”
Kanji didn’t really expect a long answer like that and ended up looking at the table between him and Naoto half of the time, face completely red.
“I’ll.. address the possible natural question you may ask next, if you don’t mind,” Naoto added. “It does feel different from friendship to me. A lot. To be honest, I haven’t ever experienced this sort of fascination with any other person. I don’t want to be a part of anyone else's life to the extent I do with you. And I wouldn’t want the sort of mutual priority, which I wish I had with you, with anyone else, either.”
After voicing her last thought, Naoto sighed and closed her eyes again.
“..However, I do recognize that these wishes and wants are selfish in and of themselves. Because I can’t offer you a complete and proper relationship. And there’s also the fact that you live in Inaba and I work in the city. The number of ‘distances’ that a relationship with me would imply won’t be inducing to any positive outcome no matter how I look at it. And trust me, I've given it plenty of thought…"
She let out a heavy sigh.
“I do wish for us to have a good friendship someday. But.. since we both suffer from the pointless romantic feelings right now, I believe it’s best to put that off for some time. For the sake of the mental comfort of us both.”
“Wait-wait-wait,” Kanji interfered, feeling that Naoto was already drawing the lines and making conclusions. “I still haven’t really got the full gist of things but don’t just decide anythin’ on your own yet, ‘kay?”
Naoto replied with a sad smile.
“I’m sure that you’ll arrive at this decision yourself once you realize the situation in its entirety. Either now or later. And it’s best if it’s ‘now’, before we both get tremendously scarred because of me.”
“How the hell can everythin’ you’ve just said about me scar me?? It’s somethin’ I could’ve never hoped to hear from the person I like!”
The curve of Naoto’s lips remained weak and rueful.
“For now, perhaps, the words are enough. But in the long run, they won’t. Like any regular person, you’ll need to see some tangible, sensible proof of my emotions. And I’m afraid that the affection I’d be able to show on my own won’t be enough…”
Kanji rubbed the side of his neck.
“…Would you hate.. y'know.. hand holding?”
Naoto seriously considered the question.
“With you – no, I wouldn’t hate it.”
“Hugging?”
“..No.”
“…K-kissing?”
He felt like a first grader, stumbling over the simplest words despite being 21.
“…Also, no, if it’s with you,” flustered, Naoto rubbed her forehead, as if reverting to the teenage habit of adjusting her vizor to hide her eyes. “I’m by no means excluding physical experiences like these and.. similar ones. I understand that relationships are about compromises in needs and I’d be willing to meet you half-way of course.”
She smiled wanly.
“However, I’m not sure I can change the fact that I do not experience the natural impetus for this and further sensuality. The trigger that should be there isn’t regardless of the depth of my emotions. And.. I’m afraid of this hurting you eventually…"
“Hurting how?”
Naoto mused for some time.
“Judging by the way physical interest works for most people, its lack can have a direct impact on self-esteem and self-worth," she answered seriously. "As well as the state of the relationship overall. I believe that all this will create an imbalance that ends up inconveniencing you way more than me.”
Kanji scratched his head above the right temple.
“So, uh.. to sum up, you’re sure that even if we’re very close emotionally , I’ll end up hating myself cuz you don’t feel the senses stuff. And that’s why you think we shouldn’t give this a try.”
“Add us living in different locations to the equation and – yes, that is, basically, it,” Naoto nodded.
“But why would I hate myself cuz of you?” Kanji wondered. “I mean.. It’d hurt if you said that I’m, dunno, unpleasant to look at or that you don’t wanna be near me…”
“I don’t think so at all,” Naoto confidently shook her head. “And I really admire both your images – then and now.”
“Well, my teenage one was kinda cringey,” Kanji chuckled, ruffling his no longer bleached hair. “But uh.. I kinda do what I myself want with my looks anyway. And there’s stuff I love doing: stuff I dream of, stuff I think I’m more or less good at or at least am trying to get good at… All that makes me ‘me’, I guess, and.. it wouldn’t be so easy to make me hate or doubt all that, y’know.”
He shrugged.
“So, after you’ve laid it all out like that, explained how things work for you, but still said that you like me the way I am.. I think I’d be fine? And even if at any point I start doubting your feelings, we can always talk at length, like we do now, no?”
“..We can, of course,” Naoto agreed. “But.. I honestly believe that you do not fully realize the level of deficiency I represent. Ultimately, if our needs in that regard don't match…”
“Then we'll talk and work it out,” Kanji cut her off. "We’re different as heck, Naoto – what’s new about ‘at, huh? But that’s always been the fun part of it, for me at least. Together we can kinda grow our worlds and learn some crazy part of life that’s totes foreign to us. That’s what ‘reaching out’ to others is all about, right??”
Naoto hesitantly rubbed her neck but didn’t say anything.
“Look," Kanji softly pressed on, putting both elbows on the table. "We both are odd-one-outs who got no experience in all this stuff. And I get that you'd want it all to work, like, perfectly from the get-go. But.. we don’t need that. Cuz no one has that. We’ve seen yesterday’s mess and heard about lots of similar stuff from other people, right? Everyone has issues of some sort. So, we too can mess up, talk, mess up some more, and figure stuff out together, along the way.”
"That.. may be true,” Naoto caved in a little. “Any ‘perfection’ requires work, even in terms of 'regular' relationships. And as long as people are open to understanding someone else, expanding views and experiences can be a positive outcome. I wouldn't mind that at all.”
"Yeah, see? Me either!"
Naoto guiltily closed her eyes.
“Still, I.. don’t think that the quality of the sensual contact, necessary for conveying emotions in a relationship, will be the same when reached through effort. Even if I’m really willing to try...”
“To me, that ‘willing to try’ is more important than the result of the efforts,” Kanji cut her off. “And I, uh, feel like this ‘sensual contact' you keep mentioning can sometimes be ‘cheap and easy love’, y’know? I mean.. as a kid I always pushed ma’s hugs away cuz I was embarrassed. I fought every biker gang that badmouthed her, tho. That was hella stupid kid behavior, yeah, but.. ma thanked me every time cuz she knew. Knew that some dumb actions can have more emotion in ‘em than some flimsy, lazy morning hug with 'love ya, see ya~'."
He scratched his neck in awkwardness.
“I know it’s family, so it’s different. But I guess what I’m tryna say is.. it’s the honesty of feelings that’s actually important to me.”
Another rueful smile surfaced on Naoto’s lips.
“…Indeed. So if I try to express myself through something so totally unnatural to me, you would know that the move itself is fake and far from ‘honest’, and–…”
“I would know that you like me enough to keep thinking of how to make me feel cared for, dammit!” Kanji decisively countered. “What I wanted to say is it’s the ‘thought’ that counts! Havin’ actual, deep, not surfacey feelings that can't be proved by some easy-to-fake, sketchy stuff! It’s tough to get these feels out sometimes or give them a proper shape – I know that hella well. But even the roughest shapes can be filled with the strongest love – that’s what I mean!”
To Kanji’s relief, Naoto appeared to be seriously considering his heated words.
“..It’s true that sometimes sensual displays of affection may be superficial and performative,” she agreed, a thumb near her chin. “I’ve heard older coworkers get more suspicious of their spouses’ lack of mindful attention than of physical love, since the latter doesn’t require a deep emotional affection to provide…”
“Yeah, that’s what I’m sayin’! It’s like when you go to Junes and the sales're all smiling at you but you know it’s all cuz capitalism, not cuz they care!”
Naoto smiled at his spontaneous, out-of-context comparison but soon dropped her eyes.
“The standard in the relationship is still emotional and physical affection," she sighed. "Both need to be present for a bond to be proper and complete…"
"And you think everyone just offers and gets the 'full package' all the time? C'mon, Naoto, sure we’re green but not stupid or naive, right?" Kanji chuckled. "No way even common folks all have easily matching needs!”
Naoto pressed her lips together in contemplation again.
“..Perhaps so,” she hesitantly admitted. “And in that case, I suppose it's the question of the involved people's priorities: what they can and can’t compromise on..."
"Just so you know, everythin' you told me earlier about yourself is def somethin' I will compromise on,” Kanji announced. “And speakin’ of distance – I have to travel for dyes once in a while now. Sometimes it's Tokyo, but usually some more obscure places tho. So.. if you'd want and could take some time off during those trips, we could, y'know, go together."
Naoto stayed silent for almost half a minute, as if absorbing the situation she’d never expected to unravel like this.
"I.. don't really care about the obscurity,” she muttered. “It's the company that'd matter for me anyway – not the place at all..."
"Then that's the plan for the start at least.”
“But.. initiating a relationship in these shaky circumstances would be irresponsible and–..”
“It woulda been irresponsible if at least one of us weren’t ready to really make it work no matter what!" Kanji didn't even let her finish her thought this time. “If we’re both on the same page, honest about all this stuff, and ready to make some kinda sacrifices from both our ends, then what's the problem?! As long as neither of us gives up, trusts, believes, and speaks up, then it’s gonna be fine!”
Kanji could see that Naoto no longer looked as resigned as she did when she just started talking. She did recognize the light at the end of the tunnel. But that light – the hope – was scaring her even more now, for reasons he couldn’t understand.
Pressing chin to her chest, Naoto hid her face. Her hands were on her knees under the table, but by the wrinkles on the light-brown fabric alone Kanji could tell that she was fumbling with her coat.
“I’m.. still scared it might not work out,” she said quietly. “Scared of hurting you and scared of hurting myself. Because if we do try and fail, I know that it’ll be you who breaks up and it'll be me whose fault it’d be…” Naoto didn’t look up while talking. “I can’t even rule out the possibility of feeling selfishly betrayed if that happens. But at the same time, I would never want you to feel tied up or obliged to continue suffering just to avoid hurting me…”
Kanji wanted to interject again but decided to let Naoto openly voice all the worries before he could handle them.
“I wish I just didn’t have to pose so much trouble, inconvenience, and uncertainty with my existence alone,” Naoto heaved a really deep sigh that truly reflected all the pressure she felt. “At the very least, it would've been much easier if I could just revert it all to the friendship we had. But I’m not sure I can do that now. And.. I think it’ll take me significantly longer to be able to do that after a failed attempt because of all the hurt…”
Kanji couldn't stop his arm from stretching out across the table and carefully placed his hand on Naoto's shoulder.
"If it's any comfort, I'm not sure I could've pulled that friendship properly myself, Naoto," he smiled softly at her. "I woulda loved to keep you as a friend if–.." He suddenly stumbled and shook his head, discarding the word. "Nah, ' keep ' makes it sound like I'd ' throw you away' as something else... I woulda gladly stayed friends if it came to that. But I know that it woulda been hella tough for me.”
He awkwardly scratched the back of his head with his free hand.
“Having no special place or meanin’ in your life kinda.. hurts just as a stray thought even. When you’d found a boyfriend I woulda felt.. happy for you, sure, but also.. really, really shitty. And feeling that way about some good event in your life woulda made me feel even worse, so…" He breathed out a shaky chuckle. "That’s where self-hatred woulda start, y’know? It even sounds like a nightmare…"
To his surprise, Naoto – despite still hiding her eyes – replied with an understanding nod.
"..Once, Chie-senpai got so drunk she called me to say that Yukiko-senpai was planning to offer you a.. marriage of convenience just to stop her parents' search for a husband. And I felt incredibly atrocious at learning that mere fact…"
Hearing that, Kanji burst out laughing.
"That's the first time I hear about this crazy idea, luckily!! I haven't thought of marriage at all yet but I'd never turn it into any sorta 'deal' anyway, even with Yukiko-senpai. Sorry to break her plans but she gotta get more gutsy with that whole fam situation anyway."
As she slightly raised her face, Naoto answered with a meek smile. Then she looked at the hand on her shoulder, and Kanji felt his cheeks go red.
“Is it.. Uh.. okay?” he blurted out.
“It is,” Naoto nodded. “Thank you, Kanji-kun. I’m.. extremely flattered and grateful to you for being so open-minded. And I’m once again reminded of what an extremely kind person you are.”
Kanji slowly retrieved his hand and nervously rubbed the bridge of his nose.
“So, uh.. Do you think you can.. Y’know, give it a try with me after all?”
Naoto kept silent for what Kanji felt was the longest pause during their entire conversation.
Right until she heaved a small sigh.
And then replied with a nod.
“I.. believe, I can,” she looked Kanji in the eye and smiled softly. “I would love to try, for the sake of us both. And I can only hope that it will work – that my efforts will pay off and that you won’t regret your merciful decision.”
Overjoyed, Kanji had to keep himself from happily slamming his palm against the table.
“I’m sure that if we give it a serious shot, we’ll definitely make things work out!” He flashed a grin at Naoto. “And just so y’know, I woulda kept tryna convince you as long as you needed!”
Chucking, Naoto raised an eyebrow.
“Are you telling me that you would’ve kept harassing me until I said ‘yes’?”
“W-well, “harassing”’s kinda a strong word, I’d never do somethin’ like that…” abashed, Kanji rubbed his neck – and his action just caused Naoto to let out another laugh.
“It’s okay, I’m just joking,” she showed him the very first relaxed smile in their entire conversation. “Thank you again, Kanji-kun. For… everything.”
Slowly, Naoto put her hand on the table and, hesitantly, moved it closer to the middle, palm up. She locked her eyes with Kanji’s and he, flustered, stretched out his arm in return.
The moment his hand carefully lowered, covering Naoto’s warm and soft palm, they both heard the sound of the door – and jumped.
“Kan-chan? Do we have a guest?”
Kanji sprang to his feet almost immediately.
“Y-yeah, ma! Will ya, uh.. C’mere for a sec, will ya?”
He looked at Naoto with an eyebrow raised in a silent question – and received a smile and a nod in a just as silent reply.
As soon as Kanji’s mother went into the room with two bags of groceries, Kanji quickly took them out of her hands and headed to the counter.
“Nice to meet you again, Tatsumi-san,” Naoto got up to her feet and bowed to the hostess.
“Yeah, uh..” Kanji cleared his throat. “Ma, that’s… Uh… That’s…”
“Nao-chan! What a lovely lady you’ve become over the years!” Kanji’s mother cut her son off, making him even more shook and agitated than he already was. “Long hair looks so good on you!”
“..Thank you so much, you’re too kind,” Naoto replied, visibly humbled.
“Yeah, thanks so much for ruining a moment, ma…” Kanji muttered to a quiet and slightly frustrated click of his tongue.
Tatsumi-san looked at him with genuine confusion on her face.
“But why would you want to introduce me to Nao-chan? I’ve met her before, remember? And why were you talking so messily and officially, too?”
“Well, sorry for tryna messily and officially introduce you to my girlfriend, dammit!” Kanji exploded, face beet red.
His mother covered her mouth with both hands in surprise and, as if wanting to confirm the fact, glanced at Naoto.
Who, ablush as well, was looking down at the tatami beneath her feet.
“Oh my, I’m..” Tatsumi-san looked at her son. “I’m so happy for you, Kan-chan…!”
Looking aside in absolute embarrassment from the cheesiest situation, Kanji was ruffling the hair on the back of his head.
He was happy for himself, too. And hoped that Naoto was also relieved of her burden at last.
“Would you two mind some tea with azuki bean buns as a modest celebration?”
Kanji only now realized that he didn’t even know when Naoto had to leave town. She did have a suitcase with her, after all.
“Do you, uh.. have a train back to Tokyo today?”
Naoto took out her phone and started checking something on it.
“I.. do,” she said, still on her phone. “But I believe I can afford to stay in Inaba for 2 more days. I do not have any job assignments until January 4th because of the holidays.”
She looked up from what probably had been her work schedule.
“Would I.. be an inconvenience?”
“Hell no, that’s awesome!” Kanji grinned in delight. “Right, ma?”
“Of course,” Tatsumi-san agreed. “Then.. tea it is?”
Naoto bowed to her for the third time with a gentle smile on her lips.
“Yes, please. It’d be my pleasure.”