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Buck hasn’t spent one-on-one time with Hen in a long time, too long even; that’s why one morning he asks her out to breakfast so they can have a chat in front of a big piece of cheesecake and coffee.
It’s always nice talking with Hen. She always seems to know what he needs to hear and how to gently tell him what he doesn’t want to hear. Which he senses she is about to do. They have been talking mostly about Karen and the kids since they sat down at their table, but then she puts her fork down and looks him straight in the eyes.
“What’s up with Tommy calling you Evan?” she asks, arching an eyebrow. She went straight to whatever the point is, not even how are things going between the two of you, but maybe the hickey that peeks out from the collar of his shirt is an answer to that question. He’s not that happy it is there in the first place, but he is not gonna tell that to Hen.
“What’s wrong with him calling me that?” he asks, buttoning an extra button so the hickey stays hidden.
“Because you are not Evan. You are Buck.” Hen answers like it’s the most obvious thing in the world; like it’s easy.
Buck doesn't know if it’s easy. It doesn't feel easy at all. Both names hold so much he doesn’t really know which one is worst.
“Maybe it's time I drop Buck.” he says shrugging as he plays with some of the crumbles in his plate so he can avoid her eyes.
“Why would you?” she has the decency not to gasp out loud, but her surprise is clear in her voice.
“Because Buck is a reminder of a lot of mistakes I made in my life.” he answers and he makes the mistake to look up to her and see the moment her eyebrow gets high in her forehead.
“And Evan is better?” she says, tilting her head to the side; he looks back down to his food, he knows she is about to say more. “Evan was a scared lonely boy that only wanted his parents to love him, that ran away as soon as he could and spent years trying to find his place in the world feeling unloved and alone.”
And isn’t that true. Up and down the States, trying to find something that could stop him from feeling the void of missing his sister; trying to understand why his parents couldn’t give him any attention or affection unless he had a broken bone. Constantly wearing a mask of security around people. And don’t get him wrong he was also happy, he was seeing the world and learning so many things and jobs, but following him around like a shadow was the feeling of missing something in his life.
“Buck is the man you became. The man that found his family and that made it. The man that would do anything for his family. The man that always put others before himself. You are Buck.” Hen speaks again after giving him the time to swallow down the first bit. “And yes maybe at first Buck was a cocky guy full of himself, but you changed. You’ve grown and matured. Buck is the best firefighter Los Angeles could ask for. You are Bobby’s Buck, that loves to cook for the people he loves; you are Maddie’s Buck, that runs around the state to find her and bring her home, you are Chimney’s Buck, his annoying brother-in-law he would do anything for; you are Athena’s Buck, that always offer to wash the dishes after eating at hers; you are Ravi’s Buck, that he can always go to for advice on the job and consider his mentor; you are Jee-Yun’s Uncle Buck, that loves to read for her making different voices; you are Christopher’s Buck, that brings him to the zoo every time there are new animals; you are Eddie’s Buck, that is always there for him and his son and vice versa; you are my wife’s Buck, that listens to her talking about space during every get together and asks her questions because you read stuff in advance to be ready; you are Denny’s Buck that he always beat at video games and even Mara’s Buck because she loves talking to you about paintings and art; you are my Buck, the brother I never had and I love even if I don’t say it often.”
By the time she’s done talking, there are tears in Buck’s eyes. He tries to dry them by looking up to the sky, but one or two still scroll down his cheeks before he can stop them so he quickly dries them with his hand, sniffling.
“You are our Buck. Not Evan.” she says placing a warm hand on top of his where it’s resting on the table. The smile on Hen’s face almost makes him break down in tears for real. There’s so much love he doesn’t know how to handle that. He really did change a lot from when he first arrived in LA.
“Maybe I could be his Evan.” he tries but he cringes as soon as the words leave his mouth. Yeah, that’s not happening and by the unimpressed look on Hen’s face he knows she already knows that.
They stare at each other for a few seconds before they both start laughing. Loud, it makes a few heads turn and glare, but it’s probably the best Buck felt in a while if he has to be honest with himself.
He likes Tommy, okay? He just doesn’t love Tommy and he hates himself just a little for stirring things because he is afraid of what comes after the break up.
“Please never say that again.” Hen asks calming down and picking up her fork again.
He brings his hands up in surrender. “Maddie still calls me Evan sometimes.” he tries even if he knows she already made her point very clear. “And Eddie called me that once.”
“Yeah, but they know you better than anyone else, don’t they?” Hen says taking a bite, “They are Maddie and Eddie. They know when they have to reach that small part of you that is still afraid of not belonging to let it know Evan does belong. He’s Buck.” she says with a gentle smile.
Buck takes a bite of the cheesecake too, just so he doesn’t have to talk, his voice would definitely crack if he does.
“How are things with Tommy anyway? Besides the whole Evan thing.” she asks.
He clears his throat to undo the knot he feels there. “I like him. But I don’t see it lasting much longer.” he admits shrugging. “He-” he clears his throat again, “He doesn’t know me and doesn’t seem too interested in knowing me outside the sheets. I like Buck, I don’t think he can like him too.” he says looking away. That was much easier to say out loud than he thought it would be. Hen has a way too happy smile on her face. “You are not gonna try to tell me that maybe it just hasn’t been enough and he will come around and change?” he asks and she shakes her head no. “Did you even like him?” he asks, leaning his arms on the table.
She shakes her head again. “Listen, he was not a good person when I first met him, okay? And I know he changed blah blah blah, but I’ve never been good at forgive-forget and I was happy when he left the 118 because I didn’t have to pretend to like him anymore.”
“Why didn’t you tell me anything?” he asks, worried that him mentioning Tommy at the firehouse during the break could have made his friend uncomfortable.
“Because you are the one dating him. I was gonna keep holding a grudge silently until I died if you wanted to stay with him. I would have pretended to love the guy if he made you happy.” she says, leaning her arms on the table. “This was not about me, but about you discovering a new beautiful part of yourself. He served his purpose.” she adds with a smile.
He smiles too, her smile has always been contagious. She has a beautiful smile, he even tried to seduce her when he first joined the 118 before she gently let him know that she is a lesbian with a wife and kid at home. “Well, you don’t have to worry about pretending anymore. I don't know when I’ll end things, but he’s not sticking around.” he says and suddenly he feels like a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders.
“Good. He was never gonna be good enough for you anyway.” she states leaning back on her chair. “Did I tell you about Denny’s new school project?” she says and her whole face lights up mentioning her son.
“Anything I can help him with?” he grins, taking the last big bite of their shared cheesecake.
Buck breaks up with Tommy two days later, after one too many Evan instead of Buck. Hen gives him a big hug when he tells the team the day after he breaks things off.
“He never deserved you, Buck.” Chimney provides before starting to plan to set him up with another person.