Chapter Text
Regulus can’t never pinpoint the exact moment it starts until it’s already there, too late to prevent it.
Unavoidable, like the sun setting every night.
It’s been coming along for a few weeks now, waves building higher and higher until the tide catches his ankles and he’s pulled so deep he can’t breathe.
But he never notices it when it starts, until he’s sitting frozen and overwhelmed on one the toilets' seats of the Philosophy building when he should be in class.
He did tried. He did. Because he made it through the rest of week and he only has two classes left before the weekend. So Regulus really tried to push through, no matter how every muscles in his body tensed and how drained he fucking feels.
There was just so much noise.
Metaphysical Philosophy is one of the most popular subject of his year, so the lecture theatre is always packed, low chatter bouncing off the walls, like a constant hum slowly driving Regulus into madness. People needed to stop talking and they needed to do it immediately or he’ll be smashing his neighbour’s head on his laptop if he clicks his pen on the desk one more time.
Even Des Roches, the professor teaching exclusively students in their last year of Uni, who Regulus usually likes, is making it hard to not loose control. How close to the mic does someone have to be, huh? Not that close that’s for sure, because Regulus could hear everything.
He lasted ten minutes before throwing his Mac back in his bag, grabbing his coat with shaky fingers and getting the hell away from there. And now he’s hiding in the men’s bathroom, sitting on the toilet lid, knuckles white from trying not to cry, swallowed by a quiet fury without knowing why.
To be completely honest, Regulus never know what is wrong exactly. There’s never something that he can put the blame on. Everything is technically the same but a lens must have shifted because his perception is different.
It’s too much.
Last month it was fine, today is not. Just like that. For no apparent reason.
Regulus never had any trouble socially growing up, so it truly doesn’t make any sense. No matter how many time he stayed awake, racking his brain trying to understand why, it never came to him.
His emotions are stretched so thin, he can feel them ready to snap anytime. It doesn’t matter that he tries his best to soothe them, to coax them back into how they were before. If they snap, they snap. There’s nothing he can do about it.
The sadness is first, always lurking in the shadows, slowly easing him down from his highs. He knows it by now, it’s always coming back, no matter how things are going.
Then comes the exhaustion. This one is almost always predictable and yet forever catching him off guard. Because when Regulus is feeling good, he’s doing things with his life. Things he likes, like going on long walks with James, studying for his exams at the faculty’s library, going for drinks with his friends. Things everybody else does. He doesn’t think he’s doing more than most, hell compared to some of students in his promo he’s not doing much. He heard there’s a girl who did an Iron Man in Brazil right after their Christmas exams, which meant she had to train while studying. That is absolutely wild.
So no, Regulus doesn’t think he’s doing too much. He’s not pushing himself to some kind of extreme. And yet, the exhaustion comes anyway, sinking deep in his body.
Intertwined with the exhaustion, he’s growing more and more overwhelmed. By that time, Regulus has learned to recognize it, but it doesn’t matter, anything could set him off the rails. Most times he’s in control, bitting down on this non-logical rage, regulating his breathing. He doesn’t let it get the best of him, the people around him haven’t done anything to deserve it. Nobody has done anything.But sometimes, specially after a long day of holding himself together by the sheer determination of not breaking, he does just that. He breaks. And god, it’s so easy.
Barty will scrap his chair while getting up, as he does every time, and Regulus will snap something at him, mean and insulting. Words going for the kill, filled with misplaced hatred.
He hates it, but James gets the brunt of it all as he’s the one spending the most time with Regulus. And Regulus is fucking mad at himself for it because James is the best thing that’s ever happened to him, always here for him and does not deserve Regulus' shitty behaviour.
Lastly, it's the breaking point. Where he currently is, hiding from the rest of the world in a public bathroom. Clearly, there’s always new lows to reach.
Fumbling with his bag, Regulus searches for his phone. He wants to go home, to have uninterrupted silence for hours on end and turn his whole brain off. There’s no point in trying to push through now, he’s on edge and would not remember any of his two classes in this state anyway.
His fingers dance rapidly on the screen, opening the messages application and selecting James’ contact.
Regulus:
Hi, can you come pick me up?
Please
Not feeling great right now
Regulus doesn’t have to wait long for James’ response to arrive. In truth, he never has to wait when it comes to James. He always answers to texts in a five minutes window, always calls back right away if he misses Regulus’ call. Not once has he ever been late to a date when they started dating. He’s always there exactly when he said he will. And Regulus is so, so grateful for it.
James:
Leaving the office now
Should be here in 15’
Lincoln entrance ok? Or Methodist?
Regulus:
Methodist please
James:
I’ll meet you at the end of the parking, next to the cherry tree
Do you need anything?
Regulus:
No, it’s fine
Thank you
For picking me up
James:
Anytime, anywhere, I told you Reg
In the car now
Regulus:
Drive safe
James:
Always
Regulus lets out a breath, closing his eyes. James is coming. He knows he shouldn’t have texted him, James was working and had never said no to anything Regulus ever asked.
It doesn't sit right with him, to play with James’ worry like that but the idea of being stuck in public transport for more than an hour, the time it takes to get from the faculty to his flat, is making him want to boil his own skin. And he can’t do the whole breaking down in the middle of a bus full of strangers eyeing him with pity. Not after last time.
It’s definitively not right, but he’ll apologise. Again.
The halls are empty when he crosses the building, the others students in class, where Regulus should be. The Methodist is just around the corner, between the campus’ library and the Philosophy building he’s now leaving behind.
It’s still early February, the cold bitting his face, painful on his chapped lips. That’s one of the sign. Somewhere in the last weeks he stopped drinking as much water as he usually does. He’ll forget to bring his water bottle to class or won’t bother to fill it up again. It’s little details like that, until it’s 2:45 on a Friday and he realises he hasn’t drank any water in the last twenty four hours.
Sometime he thinks he’ll need his throat to literally become paper sand for him to notice. Regulus resists the urge to lick them or tear the dead skin out with his teeth, in this cold it’s just asking for more pain than he can bear for today. He tightens his arms, cross on his chest and try to shelter his hands the best he can. It’s not great but James is close now.
It’s a bit like a sixth sense that he can’t explain, and that Sirius likes to make fun of, but he just knows when James is entering his vicinity.
He doesn’t need to turn away when he’s taking to someone to know it’s James entering the room. Yet Regulus does it anyway, just for the pleasure to look at him. Gray meet hazel every single time, inevitably, always searching for each other’s eyes no matter the room they’re in. Regulus gives James a small smile and James gives Regulus a knowing wink. That’s how it goes.
James’ red BMW comes in the parking lot, a splash of colour in the barren weather. It’s a big car, the X6, familial Sirius had said. The first time Regulus had seen it he hadn’t understood the need to have such a spacious car, specially as their lifes is in the city.
But on a sunny weekend last June, James had taken them all for a picnic on the outskirts of town. James, Sirius, Remus, Regulus and Merlin, Sirius’ black long coated German Shepard in the truck. That’s when Regulus understood.
Familial indeed.
James has barely stopped the car that Regulus’ freezing hand is on the handle, pulling open the door. He’s instantly hit by the warmth inside. Maybe modern technology is heaven sent after all.
“Hi,” James greets him as he’s closing the door.
“Hi.” Regulus echoes, rubbing his hands trying to make the numbness go away quicker.
“Baby, look at me.”
Regulus turns his head and he instantly wants to recoil from the look of worry on James’ features. There’s nothing he hates more than knowing he’s the reason it’s there. James’ wearing a suit, like he does everyday for work and Regulus knows the navy blue coat he bought James four Christmas ago is on the backseat. There’s a slight pink-ish hint from the cold on his cheeks, London’s weather unforgiving even for the man that is James Potter.
His glasses, a frame they chose together last autumn, are resting on his nose, hazel eyes peering behind, seeing probably more than Regulus wants but needs anyway. James’ dark hair is a mess. It’s Regulus’ favorite thing. He spends hours fingers tangled in the curls, sometimes gently brushing through them, sometimes pulling. Hard.
James’ got one hand on the steering wheel, the other is stretched towards Regulus, palm open. Regulus traps it instinctively between his ten icy fingers, amazed by the warmth of the man he loves.
“I just want to go home,” he says softly, eyes trailing to the dashboard unable to maintain the eye contact, “Please.”
James squeezes his hand three times. “I’ll get you there, promise.”
The trip to Regulus’ flat is quiet. Usually they’d alternate between James’ or one of his own playlists on their shared Spotify account, singing along their favorite lyrics. They each curated a playlist of songs that reminded them of each other, and Regulus’ heart always skips a beat when there’s a new song added. He checks every week.
But not today. Today Regulus needs silence, so James is giving it to him. Freely. Easily. It frightens Regulus sometimes, how James does what he needs so naturally, like it’s a second nature.
It’s only a twenty minutes drive to Alcott Street and Regulus spends those minutes eyes shut, trying his best to block the world outside the tinted windows. The only thing grounding him is James’ hand resting between his own, forever warm and here, present. Regulus never thought he’d be so grateful for automatic cars.
James parks the car in Regulus’ spot in the underground parking of the residence and they make their way to the lift, James’ hand still holding his. The ride up is quiet, expect for that god-awful melody he has to hear every single time he steps in the lift. They don’t talk and Regulus is still avoiding James’ gaze.
James who waits patiently as Regulus fumbles with his keys twice, trying to open his front door. Regulus curses and resist the temptation to kick the door with his foot.
His flat is in a bit of state, he realises as he manages to open the door and they step inside. He hadn’t notice before but he’s noticing now. His couch is cluttered with school books and there’s three tea mugs on the coffee table. He doesn’t need to look to know that none of them are empty. There’s also an open bottle of almond milk that should definitively be in the fridge and an half eaten pack of Oreo. One of the pillows is on the ground, same for the forest green plaid that’s usually neatly draped over the couch.
He winces. He’s been meaning to but he hasn’t taking out the trash and he can’t see them but he knows there’s two full bin bags sitting sadly on his kitchen. Shame creeps up and he wishes he had taken them out. But he hasn’t and he doesn’t know why. There’s no apparent reason to give to James.
Regulus knows it’s not the end of the world, it’s but it’s not great either.
“I’m-I’m going to lay down for a while," he informs James, dropping is bag on the floor and taking off his coat before turning to meet James’ eyes for the second time of the day.
He’s warmer now and he should probably get under a shower, scalding hot, and get some sleep but that’s not going to happen.
James is getting closer, not even looking at the state of the flat, only at Regulus. “Alright. Do you need me to do anything?”
Regulus shakes is head, hesitates and then drops it on James’ shoulder, closing his eyes. It’s instant how James’ arms wraps around him, gentle but firm, flushing their chests together. There’s one hand on his head, another one on his back, so warm it’s burning through his clothes.
His own arms are wrapped around James’s waist.
A lingering kiss at the top of his head and then their bodies are imperceptibly swaying side to side, lulling him into comfort. Regulus lets out an half-tired, half-content sigh as James’ presence surrounds him.
“Baby, you need some rest,” James whispers, lips grazing the shell of Regulus’ ear and Regulus could stay like this beyond an eternity. “Do you want to lay down on the couch or your bed?”
“Bed,” Regulus answers, hiding his face deeper the curve of James’ neck, not wanting to move out of warmest place on earth yet.
James squeezes his body once before taking a step back. Regulus hates it. “Come on, then,” he says simply, leading Regulus to his own bedroom by the hand.
James has to turn to light on because the room is plunged in the dark as Regulus didn’t open the blinds this morning, too tired even after sleeping seven hours.
It’s no surprise that his bed is unmade, the covers thrown back on only one side of the bed. There’s clothes from yesterday and the day before scattered on the hardwood floor. Even another mug of tea on his nightstand.
Regulus doesn’t bother bending down to undo his shoelaces, instead using the opposite foot to get out of his shoes. He does take off his pants, but keep his jumper on. Socks stay too. He’s letting James pull the cover over him, shivering slightly as the cold sheets brush against his skin.
“Do you think you’ll sleep?” James asks, sitting on the edge of the bed, soft fingers tracing Regulus’ jawline.
Regulus leans into the touch. “Probably not. Too tired to fall asleep, I guess,” he tries to explain but he can never found the right words, “I’ll just listen to music or something. Oh. My headphones are in my bag. Do you-“
“On it,” James says getting up and pressing a kiss to Regulus’ temple. “Do you need anything else? Something to drink? I think I saw your book on the couch.”
Regulus checks that his phone is on the nightstand. “Maybe water? Just a glass, please.”
“Ice?”
“No. No ice. I don’t know if I have any straws left but can you check?” Regulus asks and James nods, disappearing out of view.
By the time James is back, Regulus has found a playlist that will not drive him into madness.
“There we go, my lord,” James jokes putting down the glass of water with a straw on the nightstand and handing Regulus his headphones with a low bow.
Regulus snorts, accepting it. “Thanks,” he says with a smile before his expression turns more serious, “and thank you for picking me up. I’m sorry you had to miss work because of me.”
James sits back down, lacing their fingers once more. “Remember what I told you? I’ll be here no matter where, no matter when. For whatever reasons you need me,” Regulus nods, silently swimming in James’ eyes. “Picking you up it’s me honouring that promise, Reg. I’ll always do it, for as long as you need me to.”
And suddenly it’s impossible for Regulus not to drown in James.
“I love you.” he blurts out, he words escaping from his heart, running up his throat and stumbling out of his mouth so quickly, it’s terrifying.
James smiles brightly and it’s blinding. “I love you too. You’re the better part of me, à jamais.”
Regulus doesn’t think it’s true because if someone is the better part of the other it’s definitely not him.
“Still,” He says as James is pressing a kiss to the back of his hand. “I feel bad about it. You missing work, you could have been in a meeting or-“
“Baby, I haven’t scheduled a meeting on a Friday in three years,” James cuts him.
Regulus frowns. “What?”
“I haven’t schedule a meeting on a Friday in three years,” James repeats patiently, “I know it’s usually worst for you on the end of the week, so I made sure to have the day clear.”
Regulus sits right back up. Surely not. The expression on his face must be quite something because James chuckles but his eyes are soft.
“I’m a man in love, what can I say?” James adds, flashing him another smile and Regulus feels like he’s dying and being born again at the exact same time.
He’s surprised the laws of gravity are still applying to him with how much he feels for James.
There’s many things Regulus struggles to articulate and it never feels right. But this? This feels so right he feels it in his soul. Maybe there’s feelings words will never reach, too consuming to be restricted by letters. And maybe it’s ok. As long as Regulus feels it, it’s ok.
Regulus’ fingertips are gripping James’ shirt, bringing him closer and closer until he can finally kiss him. It’s not as hard and desperate as Regulus wants it, he knows James won’t let it go too far today. He’s probably right to do so, but he feels slightly annoyed anyway. Still, it’s enough to be kissed by James, to feel his hand cupping his face, with delicacy, not like James was afraid to break something in him but like he couldn’t believe he was kissing Regulus in the first place.
After half a decade together, it’s easy for the facade to loose some of it’s shine. Kisses don’t always bring butterflies like in the beginning. The familiarity settles in, things are done by repetition, not thought about twice. But this kiss. It’s not butterflies. It’s not a bit twisting Regulus’ stomach. It’s fucking visceral pain, taking over him completely, making him feel alive. And he wants more.
When they pull back, Regulus knows he’s flushed with glistening lips because James is the same, a perfect mirror.
“Right,” James says out of breath, pulling back and pushing a strand of hair out of Regulus’ face. “You need to rest and I won’t let you do that if you keep looking at me like that. So, please stop?”
Regulus rolls his eyes, smirks, and then grabs James’ collar and kisses him one, two, five times before finally relenting.
It’s a funny thing not needing to speak to be understood. One look and Regulus knows they are saying the same thing.
I love you.
You’re the better part of me.
Forever and à jamais.
This is the greatest love story ever lived.
“Do you want me to stay?” James asks as Regulus is settling back down under the covers. “No funny business, though.”
Regulus thinks about it for a second. “No. I’m just going to rest, I need- I need to be by myself for a bit, I think,” he looks up and James is staring at him. He’s smiling softly and it’s not sad, it’s understanding. “Are you going back to the office?”
James shakes his head, hair bouncing on his forehead. “No, I took my laptop with me. I’ll be here when you’re feeling better.”
“You can go back if you want, I’ll be fine,” Regulus doesn’t him to go, but he doesn’t want to be selfish either. James already does so much for him, flying to Regulus’ rescue each time.
“Regulus, I’m going to be here. I want to stay here, with you,” James insists, kissing Regulus’ cheek, “Let me enjoy the advantages of being my own boss, alright? Unless you want me to go?”
Regulus definitively doesn’t want that. He likes knowing James is near, close enough to touch if he wants to. “No. I want you to stay.”
“Good. Then I’ll stay,” James confirms when he’s by the door, “Rest, I’ll be here when you come out.”
—-
James is indeed still here when Regulus comes back in the living room, hair damp from his shower and wearing maroon sweatpants and a matching hoodie belonging to James.
It’s late, almost eleven.
He didn’t do much while laying in bed. He scrolled on his phone until his thumb hurt, trying to shut down his own thoughts, with minimal success.The shower helped a bit, because at least now he feels clean.
There’s nothing much to do, expect waiting for it to pass, like clouds of rain going away after a while. Regulus knows he won’t leave his flat this weekend, busying himself trying to gather as much willpower as possible to make it through the upcoming week.
“Baby, hi.” James says, closing his laptop when Regulus sits down on the other end of the couch.
The couch now free of any books. He glances at the coffee table, and sure enough there’s not a mug in sight. He doesn’t need to go check to know his kitchen and bathroom have been cleaned too.
“Hi,” Regulus says, stretching his legs to rest them on James’ legs, “You cleaned the flat?”
James looks back at him sheepishly. “Yeah, I did. I know I should’ve have asked you but it was freaking me out a bit.”
Regulus laughs at that, because James is many things but a cleaning maniac is not one. “James, I don’t think I’ve seen your place this clean once.”
James’ hands are kneading Regulus’ soles, making Regulus sinking more comfortably on the couch. “I know. But yours usually is.”
Regulus startles, freezing on the spot.
“Baby, I just wanted to help,” James’ voice is pleading and it takes everything in Regulus not to break eye contact. “I’m sorry if I over stepped, I just thought, it’s-“
“It’s fine,” Regulus interrupts him with a sigh.
Swallowing the shame he feels for letting his flat get to this state, Regulus can’t be mad at James for wanting to help. He would have probably been freaked out too if it had been the other way around.
James still looks unsure. “Are you sure?”
Regulus moves, until he’s sitting crossed-legged next to James, a hand on his forearm. “Jamie, it’s fine. I promise.”
James’ pupils widens. It’s the same reaction every time Regulus calls him something other than his name. Regulus doesn’t do it often, mostly because it doesn’t feel right on his tongue. Not because he doesn’t love James. He does, he loves James like he was born to do it. It’s just not something that comes naturally for him. Maybe it’s because his parents never did it. Maybe it’s because it’s just the way he’s wired. Or not wired.
But sometimes he does it, just for James.
“I promise,” Regulus repeats, wanting to make sure James won’t feel guilty about it later, because he knows James, how he tends to feel guilty for just being sometimes.
James nods, lips turning into a smile. “Ok. Ok, good. I thought it would help you feel better if when you came back, your place was like that.”
Regulus cups James cheek, stroking the soft skin there. “It helps. Thank you, I mean it.”
James steals a kiss from Regulus' chapped lips. Not that Regulus would ever held them from him. “You’re welcome baby. How do you feel about some food, hm?”
Regulus isn’t really hungry. He ate a vegetarian wrap at lunch and a pear and raspberry slice of loaf this morning. Lately, he just eats because it’s socially time to eat and not because he wants to. He can’t remember the last time he truly felt hunger.
Which is sad, he gets it. But he doesn’t get how things could be different yet. There’s already so much going on, he have to chose his battles to not loose the war.
“I don’t think I have much in the fridge," Regulus informs James, following into the kitchen.
James sends a mischievous smile his way. “Really?”
Regulus frowns. He’s 99% sure he’s right, the last time he went grocery shopping was last Sunday and last night he didn’t have the strength to go out so he ate Oreos for dinner. “I’m pretty sure-“
Regulus stops dead in his track, noticing a large pot in the stove. He recognises the smell right away. Butternut soup, his favorite.
“What the…” he mutters, getting closer to peer over the pot.
There’s a branch of rosemary half hidden in the orange mixture. The smell coming out of it is wonderful.
“Pads dropped some groceries for us. I thought you might want a soup, if you didn’t fell asleep,” James explains, stirring with a wooden spoon and putting his free hand on Regulus’ lower back, “there’s also ice cream if you want,” he adds with a wink.
Sure enough there’s a pot of Haagen Dazs in his freezer and his fridge is full enough to last him the entire weekend. Even the bins have been taken out.
“James,” Regulus croaks, trying his best to hold himself together by the edges and not cry.
James sensing it, drops the spoon and reaches for Regulus, raising him up and sitting him down on the counter.
The change is enough for Regulus to snap out of it. James is here, right between his legs, looking at him like he’s trying to access the situation.
“Ok?” James simply asks, hands resting on Regulus upper thighs, searching for something on his face.
It’s all Regulus ever wanted to be.
“Ok.”
And he feels like he’s almost telling the truth.
They eat on the couch, Tv turned off, just talking about their week. James complaining about one of his employee, Regulus explaining one of his dissertation and how he hopes to finish it by next Wednesday.
Regulus cannot wait to do it every night when they’ll be living together. Only a month to go now.
After five years together, it’s a long time coming. Even his brother had asked about it after three years. That made Regulus laugh because Sirius and Remus had moved in together after three months. If he was looking for relationship advice, his brother wouldn’t be the one he’d turned to.
For Regulus and James it’s the perfect timing.
They started dating right at the beginning of Regulus university cursus, back when he was twenty. James had been twenty-five, freshly CEO of his own data start-up.
Sirius had threw a fit and Regulus had told him to suck it up. Because Regulus knew it was James and by some miracle planets alignment James had known it was Regulus too. Sirius knows it too, now.
Regulus had spent two years after secondary school traveling outside England before entering uni. One in Canada, the other in New Zealand. They hadn’t talked too much during that period, yet Regulus had send James silly postcards regularly. Now at twenty five, he’s almost done with school and about to move in with the love of his lifetimes. It’s neither early nor late, it’s right on time.
James had bought this two story house in the suburbs last year. Regulus hadn’t really understood the hype. He liked living in flats. After growing up in a house too big to be called a home, he didn’t see the point. They had toured the house before James made his offer. He had showed Regulus every room and the purpose he wanted them to have. The master bedroom, James’ office, the guest bedroom and Regulus’ office. Regulus’ brain has reeled back at the last one.
“I’m not buying this house to live in it alone,” James had explained casually unaware of the shock rattling Regulus' insides, “So we need to both like it, ok?”
In the end he had even convinced Regulus that having a garden this big could be a good idea. Growing up, Regulus and Sirius were never allowed in the garden, where the grass was cut perfectly and the flowers were always picture perfect. Made to look not to touch.
James has other ideas for the garden.
“Definitively a pool, with a waterpolo net. And a barbecue space, I’m going to grill you the best vegetables of your goddamn life.”
Regulus had laughed and believed him.
Only a month for the renovations to be done and they’ll be living together after spending the majority of last year asking each other to stay the night at first, and then to stay for the whole week. It’s way past midnight when they make their way back into bed, giddy about the idea that they are about to live together soon.
“Don’t you think having two guest bedrooms is too much?” Regulus asks, turning off the light on the nightstand and pressing his body as close to James as he can. He’s been thinking about this for a while now, a quiet idea in the back of his mind.
He can feel James shrugging in the dark, letting Regulus tangle their legs. “Not really. I thought you were ok with the plans, baby? I’m pretty sure it’s too late to change things this late, but maybe later if you still want to. What did you have in mind?”
There’s a fire in Regulus’ stomach and he feels like he might just burn alive.
Yet his voice comes out strangely calm. “I mean, it can still be a bedroom, but…”
He lets the words trail off. It takes a second and then James’ whole body tenses.
For a moment, it’s like neither of them are in this bed, but in the center of the universe, suspended by time.
“Yeah?” James finally asks breathless, and Regulus can feel his smile like one can feel the sun on his skin on a summer day.
“Yeah.” Regulus confirms, reaching out for James even closer, his own smile blooming on his lips.
In this exact moment, Regulus knows it.
This is the greatest love story ever lived.