Work Text:
April 14th, 1991.
Hawkins Fuller: So, where do we begin?
The interviewer: We can begin wherever you want. I just want to get the whole story.
Mr Fuller laughs.
Hawkins Fuller: Make sure you have enough tape, then.
The interviewer: Tell me how you met Timothy Laughlin.
Mr Fuller is silent for a moment. He looks into the space before him, trying to find words.
Hawkins Fuller: It was the day of the Senate election, November 1952. He was a huge fan of Tail Gunner Joe. Ugh, you're probably too young to know who he was. Joseph McCarthy. The greatest anti-communist and demagogue. Tim had a pin with his name. The boy was barely twenty two. He was trying to order something at the bar, but the bartender was ignoring him, so decided to help and order a drink for him.
The interviewer: What did he drink?
Hawkins Fuller: Milk.
The interviewer: Milk?
Hawkins Fuller: That was my reaction.
The interviewer: What happened next?
Hawkins looks at the wall again.
Hawkins Fuller: I had to leave. Next time I saw him a few months later, he was sitting on the park bench, eating a sandwich and drinking…
Hawkins Fuller and the interviewer: Milk!
Mr Fuller laughs again.
Hawkins Fuller: I should have passed by, but I was curious. Intrigued by him, even. He was… alive, with his shining eyes and boyish enthusiasm. It was refreshing.
The interviewer: Did he recognize you?
Hawkins Fuller: He did. After our first meeting he looked me up. He was interested in me as well. I guess you could say, it was love from the first sight.
The interviewer: His or yours?
Mr Fuller doesn't answer. He looks into the camera, smiling mysteriously.
Lucy Fuller: Tell me again what this is about.
The interviewer: I'm making a documentary film about Tim Laughlin's life.
Lucy Fuller: I don't know anything about his life.
The interviewer: But you knew him.
Lucy Fuller: Not in a way you usually know someone. But I guess I knew about him. More than I knew about some of my acquaintances.
Lucy takes out a cigarette and a lighter.
Lucy Fuller: Do you mind?
The interviewer: No.
Lucy lights the cigarette and takes a long drag.
The interviewer: Did you know about Tim before you got married? You don't have to answer any of my questios if you don't want to.
Lucy Fuller: It's okay. I think I've always known that Hawk was different from other men. He wasn't poor, he was smart, handsome, charming. He was perfect, and yet he never had a girlfriend. He flirted a lot at parties, and girls swooned at the mere sight of his smile, but he never took it anywhere further than that. All other men that were courting me were somehow impatient, slightly aggressive. He never was. He treated me more like a sister. I was young and inexperienced, so I didn't understand it then, but I do now. When he asked me to marry him, I thought it was going to change.
Lucy puts the rest of the cigarette out.
Lucy Fuller: But it didn't. He was always distant, always late at work, always taking a shower after he'd come late. He never smelled like other women's perfume, I never found long hair or lipstick on his clothes.
The interviewer: When did you learn he was gay?
Lucy Fuller: It's been decades but I'm still not used to this word. At least not when it comes to Hawk.
Lucy lights another cigarette.
Lucy Fuller: I should have given up these years ago. I don't even have to smoke, really, just the feeling of a cigarette in my hand makes me calmer.
The interviewer: Are you nervous?
Lucy Fuller: Of course I am. I haven't talked about it with anyone. Never in my life. It took me thirty years to acknowledge that my marriage wasn't healthy.
Lucy makes a long pause.
Lucy Fuller: Where was I?
The interviewer: The moment you learned that your husband was gay.
Lucy Fuller: Yes.
Lucy Fuller: As I said, I've always suspected something, but the moment I knew for sure was when in my second year of marriage Tim Laughlin came into my life.
The interviewer: How long have you been together?
Hawkins Fuller: I can't say for sure. Sometimes it feels like we've been together the whole life, but most of the time – not long enough. If we speaked in terms of standard measurements, then it would be about two years before he joined the Army.
The interviewer: Was he drafted?
Hawkins Fuller: No. It was his decision. I was going to marry and he needed to get away from me to some place he wouldn't have a choice but stay away. Army was good enough.
Hawkins Fuller: I thought it was a mistake. Tim wasn't a soldier. He wasn't good at blindly following orders. He questioned everything in his life, even if answers often left him disappointed.
The interviewer: Are you talking about McCarthy?
Hawkins Fuller: I'm talking about everything. McCarthy, Army, Church, me.
The interviewer: Did you keep in touch while he served?
Hawkins smiles sadly and shakes his head.
Hawkins Fuller: Not directly. He kept in touch with our common friends, Marcus and Mary. I had to bribe them both in order to know how he was. I think they both spilled the news about me to him, even though Mary insisted that they didn't talk about me. When Tim got back, he knew that Lucy was pregnant, but didn't ask one question.
The interviewer: So after he came back, you started to see each other again?
Mr Fuller looks guilty for a moment, but then he closes his eyes and smiles.
Hawkins Fuller: When he said goodbye, he asked me to promise that I won't write. It became our joke. But while I never wrote to him myself, I didn't keep this promise. Two years later I got a telegram from him with as much as two words, and I wrote him back immediately without thinking twice.
Hawkins Fuller: Two years and still, when I saw his name on that telegram, all I could think about was how much I wanted to see him. To hear his voice. To…
Mr Fuller looks down and shakes his head.
The interviewer: Did you know that he wrote you a letter in 1956? Almost a year before he sent you that telegram.
Hawkins looks up again and his face becomes serious.
Hawkins Fuller: What letter?
The interviewer: When you first met Tim, what did you think of him?
Marcus Gaines: I was intrigued.
The interviewer: That's what Hawkins said.
Mr Gaines rolls his head back and laughs loudly.
Marcus Gaines: Hawk? He was captivated by Tim. He would never admit it, but he was totally, absolutely, hundred percent smitten.
Marcus Gaines: I'm sorry.
The interviewer: No, please, continue. Why were you intrigued?
Marcus Gaines: Tim was smart, interesting to have a conversation with, he read a lot, his eyes lit up every time we started to talk about anything he was passionate about. He was charismatic and educated enough to become a great politician one day. But I'm glad he didn't. He would have to sell his soul for that.
The interviewer: I read your books, so I know what you think about McCarthy. What did you think about Tim working for him?
Marcus Gaines: I knew Hawk recommended him for the job, I suppose because he wanted to have an insider, and Tim was so in love with him he would do anything for him. I knew Tim was clever enough to see the truth of what McCarty, Cohn, and that prick Schine were. When Tim joined the Army, he wrote me letters almost every week. We had a lot of conversations about them. I used some of those letters in my first book. With his permission, of course.
The interviewer: Was it then when you became friends?
Marcus Gaines: I suppose so. At first I treated him like a kid, but it changed quickly. After he got disappointed in everything he believed in, he didn't have anyone to talk to.
Marcus Gaines: I guess we had some things in common. He struggled with being catholic and being gay. I struggled with being black and being gay. We both were not accepted by our communities. We both chose our communities over being gay, at least for some time. Before San Francisco. After what Hawk did to him in 1957, Tim met that radical priest that he followed for years.
The interviewer: What happened in 1957?
Marcus shakes his head.
Marcus Gaines: Hawk didn't tell you?
The interviewer: I'm happy you agreed to talk to me, Margaret.
Margaret Robbins: Please, call me Maggie. When you first suggested meeting, I was skeptical. I hope you understand why.
The interviewer: I'm glad you changed your mind. Was Tim younger or older than you?
Margaret Robbins: One year older.
The interviewer: Do you have other siblings?
Margaret Robbins: No. A whole dozen of cousins, yes, but in our family it's always been Tim and me.
The interviewer: I know how it is.
Margaret smiles kindly.
Margaret Robbins: I still can't believe he is not with me anymore.
The interviewer: Were you close?
Margaret Robbins: Not always. We were close when we were kids, but once he left for university and I got married, we grew apart for some time. He was uncomfortable lying to me, and he had to lie then. About who he was.
The interviewer: When did you learn he was gay?
Margaret Robbins: In 1957. After what Mr Fuller did to him.
The interviewer: What did he do?
Margaret Robbins: He recommended Tim for a job at the State Department. He was so excited about it. But before they were able to hire him, Mr Fuller reported him for… For being a homosexual. Did you know it was illegal at the time?
The interviewer: Yes.
Margaret Robbins: Tim not only got refused his dream job, but he was banned from government work. They discharged him from the Army too.
Margaret Robbins: Tim was crushed. He lost the job, the future, the person he loved, and faith in human decency, all in one day.
The interviewer: Did he stay with you?
Margaret Robbins: He did. At first he didn't tell me what happened. He didn't sleep well, he barely ate, he spent days in his room.
Margaret Robbins: A couple of weeks later I finally insisted on talking, so he told me that there was someone he was in love with. And that this person betrayed him. “What did she do?” I asked. He looked at me and started crying. “It's not ‘she’,” he said.
The interviewer: How did you react?
Margaret Robbins: I got scared, at first. We were raised in a very Catholic family and being gay was a great sin. I was scared for his safety, and for his soul. I didn't know much about gay people except for what they taught us in church.
Maggie takes a sip of water from the glass.
Margaret Robbins: I was confused, too. But while I couldn’t understand it, it made perfect sense at the same time. The only girl Tim ever told me about was his friend, Mary. But he always insisted they were just friends. I asked to tell me about what happened, so he told me everything. About the boy he liked in high school, about a young man he liked in college. He told me that he knew he was going to hell, but before Mr Fuller reported him, he thought it was worth it. You are not from a very religious family, are you?
The interviewer: My father wasn't religious at all.
Margaret Robbins: Then you won't understand how much Mr Fuller meant for Tim. He loved him more than he loved God. He was ready to sacrifice his soul and spend eternity in hell for this limited time they've been together, with zero expectations that Mr Fuller would do the same for him.
The interviewer: How long has he stayed with you after that?
Margaret Robbins: For half a year, perhaps even longer. Once my husband and I got Tim out of the depression, he started to look for a job. He didn't want to be a burden.
Margaret Robbins: And he wanted to return to God. To earn His forgiveness, even if he didn't understand why he should be forgiven for loving someone so deeply. And that was the moment he met Father Lawrence.
The interviewer: Thank you for finding time to meet me.
Mary Johnson: Of course.
The interviewer: You were the first congresswoman to come out as lesbian publicly. Was it hard?
Mary Johnson: No. It just felt right. My term was just ending and I basically had nothing to lose. And I thought, younger politicians deserve to know that they can be gay or lesbian, be successful, and serve their country, not hiding themselves. I wish someone would show me that years ago.
Mary Johnson: But I thought we were going to talk about Tim?
The interviewer: Yes, I’m sorry. How did you meet him?
Mary Johnson: I worked with Hawkins. One day a young man in glasses showed up at our office with a book and a dreamy smile, looking for him. He said it was a gift, and it wasn’t a cheap gift. He wrote a note inside. It was so reckless and romantic, and so stupid.
Ms Johnson chuckles.
Mary Johnson: The boy was so obvious. I couldn’t understand why Hawkins, always so careful, let him so close and for so long. One tiny mistake, and they both would be screwed.
Mary Johnson: Hawkins introduced us, and asked me to be Tim’s beard. Do you know what a beard is?
The interviewer: I’m familiar with the term.
Mary Johnson: I didn’t mind. It was safer for us both to show together in public, but also Tim was educated, funny, and kind. I enjoyed his company a lot. People said we looked good together, too. At first I didn’t tell him I was a lesbian, so it was really amusing to watch him panic when I deliberately touched his hair or batted my eyes at him, just for laughs.
The interviewer: When did you come out to him?
Mary Johnson: I didn’t. Hawkins told him. I knew I could trust Tim, but Hawkins didn’t have any right to do that. I was mad at him for that, for a short time, but then I finally understood. Hawkins was so gone for the boy, he started slipping. He stopped being careful. He started to smell like Tim’s perfume, and he kept the book in his office, close to him. He started to bring Tim to parties and introduce him to the people. A couple of times he came to work in obviously yesterday’s clothes, which means he stayed the nights at Tim’s place and didn’t even bother to go home and change. So when Ms Addison, his secretary, reported him to the M Unit, I wasn’t surprised. It was bound to happen, one way or another.
Mary Johnson: I see how you look at me. I might sound cynical, but you had to be cynical in order to survive. You had to be ruthless, and selfish, and hypocritical.
The interviewer: He didn’t tell me he was reported.
Mary Johnson: He got out of that investigation pretty quick. He was bulletproof after all. Unlike most of the people around him. Did Hawkins tell you about Caroline?
The interviewer: No. Who was Caroline?
Mary Johnson: She was my girlfriend. We lived together. Then, her coworker reported her because she hadn't agreed to go on a date with him. They started an investigation, and she lost her job and had to leave the state. I spent a week crying, before Tim showed up at my door with a break up letter in his hands. He said that Hawkins made him do this, to protect us both. But I knew he didn’t do it for me. If not for Tim, Fuller would sell me in a matter of seconds to protect himself. But this letter? He knew if they’d start to investigate me, Tim could be in danger too. And when it came to Tim, he couldn't think sober. He couldn't be selfish.
Mary Johnson: I was stronger than Hawkins. I used that letter and pinned everything on Caroline, even if it cost me a part of my soul.
The interviewer: Do you regret it?
Mary Johnson: I used to. Caroline and I lost touch for many years. But then I met Phyllis. She died last year. We’ve lived together for twenty eight years.
The interviewer: I’m sorry for your loss.
Mary Johnson: Thank you. You know, when I met her, I finally understood what Hawkins felt for Tim. But as I said, I was always stronger than him, so instead of pushing her away, I made sure to spend my whole life with her.
Hawkins Fuller: What letter?
The interviewer: He wrote you a letter while he was in the Army. It was short. He said that getting away from you didn’t help and that he still loved you.
Hawkins Fuller: He never told me. How do you know about it?
The interviewer: Lucy found that letter. She burned it.
Hawkins Fuller: That…
Hawkins looks pensive for a moment.
Hawkins Fuller: That makes sense. She knew about Tim, but I didn’t know how. Looking back now, I know that I wasn’t careful about it. I was never careful when it came to Skippy.
The interviewer: Skippy?
Mr Fuller blushes.
Hawkins Fuller: It's a…nickname I gave him. It suited him. It was something just for us, something only I called him. There weren't a lot of ways to show him… my affection.
The interviewer: How long have you been together after he came back from the Army?
Hawkins Fuller: As I already said, not long enough. About three months or so. Then, Jackson was about to get born, and he had to leave. We hadn't seen each other for eleven years after that.
The interviewer: Have you been in touch?
Hawkins Fuller: Not exactly. I kept tabs on him. First, he moved back to New York, to his sister. Then he moved to Boston and worked at different jobs, but around 1965 he moved to Baltimore and ended up studying in seminary. Then, one day I saw an article about a radical religious group who took hostages and burned Vietnam draft cards. Guess whose photo was right above that article.
The interviewer: No way.
Hawkins Fuller: That’s how we met again. He was wanted by the FBI and I insisted on him staying in the cabin in our house in Pennsylvania.
The interviewer: I remember that, Dad. Jakson told me there was a man in our cabin.
Hawkins looks down.
Hawkins Fuller: You see, I was never careful about him. I wanted him in my life so badly I was willing to keep him a quarter mile from you. Your mom could walk on him any moment, and I didn’t care. I think deep inside I wanted to sabotage everything. I wanted Lucy to find out. But then I realized she knew already. All this time, she knew about Tim. She knew his name.
The interviewer: Do you think you could end up together if you had a way out?
Hawkins Fuller: A way out? Kimberly, your mother and I both were clinging to our family, because without it we would both be struggling. And we weren’t willing to. There wasn't a “way out” at the time.
The interviewer: You didn’t answer my question.
Hawkins Fuller: No, I don’t think we would end up together with Tim. Not long after this he turned himself to authorities and was sentenced for seven years in prison.
The interviewer: You and Tim worked together, is that right?
Frankie Hines: Yes. We’ve known each other since the fifties, through Marcus, but we became proper friends later. Tim heard that Marcus moved to San Francisco to be with me.
The interviewer: How romantic.
Frankie Hines: Marcus is a huge romantic at heart. Tim followed him pretty quickly after he got released from prison in 1971. But why don’t you tell me why we are really doing this, darling?
The interviewer: I guess because I want to understand my father. He carried his love for this man through his whole life. Even now, the way he talks about him… That kind of love lives longer than people who created it.
Frankie Hines: Tim was one of those people who dedicated his whole being completely to one purpose. All his life he was searching for something to give in himself. His political beliefs, God, anti-war protests. And he fought for this one purpose even when he had zero chances to win.
The interviewer: But he never fought for my father.
Frankie Hines: No.
The interviewer: Why do you think he didn’t?
Frankie Hines: Tim was passionate, but he wasn’t stupid. Hawk didn’t want to be fought for. Tim tried to in the beginning. I was working as a waiter in a club called Cozy Corner. Your father was a regular visitor. And you have no idea how much waiters can see and hear. I remember them fighting, Tim called your father a coward and marched out of the club.
The interviewer: It’s interesting.
Frankie Hines: What is?
The interviewer: Every part of their story ends exactly like this. It’s always Tim leaving.
Frankie Hines: Don’t get me wrong, honey, but Hawk was always too weak to leave himself. Except for that last time.
The interviewer: Tell me about the quilt.
Jerome Andersen: We did quite a few. Tim’s was the first, but then we put together one for each of our friends who died. I said we, but Frankie did most of the work. We used Tim’s clothes for it, and, I believe, your father’s undershirt. He left it when… When Tim saw him last time. We thought it would be symbolic.
Jerome swipes a tear from his face.
Jerome Andersen: Forgive me. It’s a sensitive topic.
The interviewer: I understand.
Jerome Andersen: You don’t. Did you know I’m HIV-positive?
The interviewer: No. I’m sorry.
Jerome Andersen: When they started an experimental treatment program, Frankie and Marcus used every ounce of money and influence to put me in it. I’m alive today because I was lucky to catch it late enough, and because there are people who were going to fight for me. Tim wasn’t that lucky. He was always the person who fought for others. Until his last day.
The interviewer: Did you know him well?
Jerome Andersen: He was like a family to me. Like a cool uncle. Once, when I just started to live with Marcus and Frankie, Tim caught me smoking weed, but instead of telling them, he just joined me.
The interviewer: My brother, Jackson. He met him once. He also said Tim was like a cool uncle.
Jerome and Kimberly laugh.
Jerome Andersen: I don’t know what happened between Tim and your father, but you should know. When AIDS progressed enough, it affected Tim’s brain. He began to forget things. He would forget names and simple words, sometimes he wouldn’t recognize us at all. But he always remembered your father. He talked about him. He called his name. He hallucinated them dancing together.
The interviewer: I remember when mom came back from San Francisco and told me you’re separating. When I asked the reason, she told me that she spent her life trying to ignore the fact that you loved someone else. I was so angry at you.
Hawkins Fuller: I remember. You hadn’t talked to me for two weeks.
The interviewer: But then you told me that you went to see your friend who was sick. And it finally occurred to me that someone else was a man.
Hawkins shakes his head and lets out a relieved laugh.
Hawkins Fuller: You figured it out before… Before I told you.
The interviewer: I’m a smart girl.
Hawkins Fuller: You are, sweetheart.
The interviewer: Dad. I’m not angry anymore.
The interviewer: I have one last question for you. Who was Tim Laughlin?
Marcus Gaines: He was my friend.
Lucy Fuller: He was someone I was envious of.
Frankie Hines: He was brilliant. Brave. Unstoppable.
Maggie Robbins: He was a part of me. A better one.
Mary Johnson: He was a good boy.
Jerome Andersen: He was one of the thousands of men who wasn’t lucky.
Hawkins Fuller: He was pure. And decent. He was the love of my life.
Mr Fuller swipes a tear from his cheek, then looks into the camera and smiles.