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Autism. That’s a big scary word. Not because there’s something wrong with being on the spectrum but because Seonghwa knows they can’t go back to who they were if they accept they are.
Some people say “ignorance is bliss” and Seonghwa might agree on that one. They don't fit quite right in society but they manage to keep a low profile. It isn’t easy but they do it to survive. Smile politely, accept invitations to go out, keep still and look at someone when they're talking. Tasks that seem easy but they have to constantly keep themself in check to not look weird. If they don’t give any reason to people to make fun of them, then they're safe.
But here they are doing some research. They always had an inkling, a distant thought, but never the words to describe it or enough curiosity to look into it. They do now because it’s getting heavy on their shoulders. Maybe they shouldn't have.
It feels like falling into a rabbit hole. Some of the descriptions don’t match but most of them make sense. But what if they’re wrong. What if they’re trying to mold themself into a diagnosis that isn't theirs? What if they're faking it, desperate to find something that would make everything make sense. They close the tabs, with more questions than answers.
It follows them though. For some reason, their social medias seem to unite to show them neurodivergent content. And the worst of it is that they relate. Be it a meme about special interests or an explicative video as to why their glasses don’t exactly match their eyesight. And they start to understand why it’s so hard to brush their teeth or drink water, why daily tasks ask them so much energy when other people seem to not think about it and do them. Constant battles to actively think about what they have to do, to not eat the same meal for the eighth time in a row and put their special hoodie in the washing machine.
It makes sense, but do they want it to make sense? Because that means they lived their whole life in a way that wasn’t meant for them. That means nobody realized how much they were struggling because of how good they were faking it. Or maybe nobody paid attention enough.
They were the easy child, the one that could be left alone without fear. They couldn't disappoint and become a problem child needing more care. So they kept everything inside. They never told anyone that they thought even numbers were good and odd numbers evil, that they could unfocus their eyes on demand or that the texture of their food wasn’t right. They were easy. They were good. They were the dream child until they started to pull away. They didn't call enough. They didn't share enough. They didn’t talk enough. Blame after blame. As if it was easy for them to know what was even expected from them.
Maybe talking about it to someone will help? So they’re not alone in that mess and they can get confirmation, or not, and then stop thinking about it. That's what they hope at least.
That’s not why they're besides Hongjoong right now, they just went out for a walk to get some fresh air and coffee for the caffeine addict, but it's an opportunity like another. They clear their throat.
“I think… I think I'm neurodivergent.”
It’s not easy for them to say. They’re still not sure, but they have to let it out. And if not to their best friend then to who? But Hongjoong chokes on her coffee.
“What?”
She looks stunned and Seonghwa gives little taps to her back to help as she coughs dramatically.
“Maybe on the autism spectrum.” They add so the pill is easier to swallow. Maybe. Also to give her a direction to look at and make sense of what they’re saying.
“No I mean what? You’re only discovering it now? I thought you knew. Because I mean, I could've told you.”
She pushes her glasses back on top of her nose. Seonghwa chooses to focus on her acrylic nails and not her expressive eyes. They bite their lower lip, anxious.
“Is it that obvious?”
When they tried everything to hide it. Even to themself.
Hongjoong sighs and looks up at the sky. There’s some seriousness in her tone.
“Kinda. But mostly for people who get it. My ADHD gives me the gift to smell neurospiciness within a 500 meters radius.”
And her teasing smile is back. Seonghwa appreciates it and relaxes their shoulders. They won't be spotted just by anyone. This is their nerd of a best friend, of course she knew.
~
This is the beginning of the end. It’s like a shock. One of those life changing events. They can't deny it anymore. What are they supposed to do now?
They see autistic traits in themself everywhere because now things make sense but also they’re fixating on it. They don’t want it to be fake. It can't be fake. They were supposed to stop thinking about it, why does it take an even bigger space in their life now?
Everything feels wrong and they notice things they didn’t before. It feels like a switch. Like light has been turned on and they can see instead of hiding in the shadows. But now they have to acknowledge the sensory overloads and the things that were used to be minor inconveniences grow out of proportion. It’s growing, it's growing, ready to swallow them. Big monsters hiding the light again, but this time the shadows have shapes.
They should do something about it. Try to make them smaller again. They wear their favorite hoodie because it’s comfortable and hide under their fuzzy blanket. They try to think. Now that it's not as loud, bright and overwhelming, it’s easier.
Their socks feel wrong so they take them off. First step: getting new socks. Ones that are soft and don’t feel so tight.
They get socks. A few pairs of them. They don't like wearing them in shoes so they keep their old ones for the outside and put on the new ones as soon as they get home.
Accomodations. They try to find ways to make their life go more smoothly. Starting with the socks, then getting gloves to do the dishes and making a yearly calendar so they can see everything at once and get a better grasp at time. Time is a really weird concept, one that they struggle to understand.
Their most recent goal is to get noise canceling headphones, to hopefully make their trip outside a little less like a nightmare. It’s probably the sense that overwhelms them the most and the fastest. Regular city noises, conversations happening at the same time, loud unexpected sounds…
They're on their way to a store, a notorious one with lots of choices in terms of electronics devices. It’s supposed to be a reward for answering the three mails that were waiting in their inbox, but it feels like hell as soon as they open the door. So many people. So many sounds and lights.
They find the right aisle. The one with headphones lined in front of a wall ready to be put on. Which one to choose first?
Of course they did their research and know which one other autistic people recommend, but it’s expensive. Maybe they can find a pair that is lower budget friendly. They have some savings but they don’t think they need the top model, they don’t think they deserve to spend so much money just for accommodations. So they start at the left. They mostly review the noise canceling, even if they try with the music on too. Having amazing sound is not their priority considering how they’re going to use them. And if they want some good quality to listen to a particular song, they can always borrow Hongjoong’s headphones.
As they make their way to the right side, quality increases and suddenly, they face the ones everyone has on their top three. They’re careful with their gestures and when they’re secured on their head… Oh. They get it.
They try to keep their tears at bay because who’d cry over headphones. This is ridiculous. But the sounds are so muted… when they look around, they realize the world keeps spinning for everyone else. But they’re safe, in a bubble and they can breathe.
~
Seonghwa is having an argument with themself to decide if yes or no they should wear their headphones tonight. They really think it would help with the overstimulation but on the other hand they're scared of looking rude and being judged… but it’s a gathering with trusted friends so for their first time wearing them it's the perfect opportunity.
Seonghwa 🦚
> Is it okay if I keep my headphones on during dinner?
Joongie 🦋🩷
> Yup
Seonghwa 🦚
> It’s not going to be weird, right? They won’t think I'm rude? You won’t think I'm rude?
Joongie 🦋🩷
> Hwa, it's all good, our friends are understanding
> They might be curious at first but we all have our quirks anyway
> It’s a judgment free zone with us
> By quirks you know what I mean
> I know it’s important to you and I'm not taking it lightly but we’re a bunch of ND queers, all the same in different fonts
> It’s going to be okay /gen
> And I’ll be there too, ready to fight if needed
Seonghwa 🦚
> Thanks Joongie <3 you’re the best
Joongie 🦋🩷
> You're still anxious, right?
Seonghwa 🦚
> That’s my natural state, it doesn’t count /lh
Joongie 🦋🩷
> 🙄🩷
Dinner goes well. They’re eight of them gathered around a table. The restaurant is chill enough. Hongjoong asks the waiter if it’s okay to get the strawberry milk with oat milk for Seonghwa. Mingi asks why they're keeping their headphones on and if there’s music playing and San offers them a pink star from the sticker sheet he always carries with him. They stick it on the headphones after taking them off to eat.
When they’re done, they put them back on. It's a slow time as they wait for everyone to finish their meal, Seonghwa turns to their left and looks at Wooyoung who’s laughing at whatever joke Yunho made. When she notices Seonghwa staring though she winks at them.
“Want to talk to me, pretty?”
Wooyoung, always the flirt. But this is the opening they were waiting for. They barely talk without directly being addressed to, especially in such a big group setting.
“Did you ever wear noise canceling headphones before?”
They want to share about their discovery. Wooyoung drops her chin on her hand while she’s leaning on the table.
“Nah, not for me, I'm uncomfortable with silence and I need to be aware of everything going on around me. I need the stimulation you know.”
No they don’t know but it makes sense, Wooyoung needs to do something all the time or she gets in distress. They chose the wrong person, but before they can get disappointed, she points towards Yeosang.
“But someone else seems interested.”
She’s grinning before going back to her previous conversation as if she never left.
Yeosang is sitting right in front of Seonghwa and there’s a small blush on his face after being put under a spotlight because of Wooyoung. He’s still eyeing the headphones with a curious gaze and Seonghwa takes the bait.
“Wanna try them on?”
They point at the headphones, ready to take them off.
“Can I? Oh wait, aren’t you going to be overstimulated?”
There’s concern painting his face at the idea of making Seonghwa uncomfortable. He’s adorable.
“All good. I’m offering.”
They smile. It’s only for a few minutes anyway and they really want to share it with someone. When Yeosang puts them on, they immediately see his eyes widening.
“Wow…” it’s a whisper, almost reverent.
“I know right?”
He looks even more surprised.
“I can hear you.”
That’s because Seonghwa played with the settings to be able to catch voices but not the background noises. After all, it’s a gathering with friends and they do want to communicate with them. It’s also easier to focus on one conversation that way when usually their ears try to catch everything and they can't focus on anything even if they are talked directly to by someone.
They get their headphones back and get inside the safety of their bubble again, swinging from left to right slowly. There’s a proud smile on their lips as they share a glance with Yeosang.
After saying goodbye to everyone and getting an extra hug from Jongho, Seonghwa is on their way home along with Hongjoong since they don't live far from each other.
They take off their headphones after getting out of the subway. It’s calmer now that it’s night time, their favorite time of the day. They walk in silence for a moment before Seonghwa remembers something:
“Judgment free zone you said, but you judged me for my taste in candies.”
They pout. They didn’t manage to defend themself earlier since everyone was talking over each other to argue about why their favorite candy was the best. But now there are only two of them and they didn’t forget about Hongjoong’s words.
“I’m not even sorry. Licorice is not an option. There’s a reason why there are the ones left at the bottom of the bag in a candy mix.”
She huffs scandalized, ready to throw hands and Seonghwa sticks out their tongue.
“Yes, for me to eat.”
Now she looks disgusted and it’s hilarious. They argue a little more before they both end up laughing. After catching their breath and calming down, Hongjoong clears her throat somewhat serious.
“Did the headphones help?”
Seonghwa knows their face brighten. They can feel it physically and they do little jumps while walking, their hands balled into fists.
“Yes! Gosh they’re amazing! When I took them off again for Yeosang to try I didn’t realize how noisy it had become. I’m so glad I brought them, otherwise I would have needed a break or call it a night sooner. But I was able to stay until the end and I had a really good time.”
There’s a genuine smile on Hongjoong's face.
“I’m glad then.”
When they wake up the next morning after crashing down in their bed they still feel exhausted. Like the hours of sleep didn’t help to recharge at all. They seek comfort. And so they bring comfort to their bed because they don’t feel like getting up for more than a handful of minutes.
They arrange their pillows so they can sit properly, they put their plushies around so each of them has a spot, they get a water bottle and snacks to put on their bedside table and since they don't want to get bored, they throw their switch on the bed, a book and knitting supplies. Of course they can't forget their fluffy blanket that they gently rub against their nose. Now their nest is perfect.
They spend their day relaxing, trying to get their energy back to do other stuff. But it’s hard when even getting up to go to the bathroom seems insurmountable, no matter how much they need to pee.
The next day is spent in the same way and they don’t understand why, because the dinner with their friends was so lovely and they didn’t feel that overstimulated, so why do they need so much time to recover?
They stare at the ceiling wondering if they’ll ever feel better. They feel useless, not being able to function properly and be active. And with that there’s the guilt. A deep feeling rumbling inside their stomach. They're not enough. They’re lazy. They want to close their eyes and stop feeling, but they’ll just feel more guilty when they wake up because they wasted their day. But staying awake is a reminder that they can't do anything else but stay in bed, which is not exactly better than a nap. They don't even feel like playing Animal crossing, and that says a lot about their state. They turn on their side, making themself as small as possible. They want to disappear. Not in a morbid way, just be free from existence for a moment or two.
~
“Sorry I'm late, I saw a cat and had to pet them. I took a pic for you.”
They take off their shoes as they show their phone to Hongjoong who leans to look at it, not moving from their spot on the floor where she's sewing beads on one of her skirts. She smiles.
“Cat! Send it to me.”
They both have a folder with cat pics. Pics that they take or find on the Internet and share with each other. Seonghwa sends it, but doesn’t hear Hongjoong’s phone. Probably because it’s lost somewhere on silent mode.
They fall on the armchair. They’re wearing their comfort hoodie that makes them have sweater paws and hide their body. They don't feel like existing as a human, a silly little creature would be more accurate and Hongjoong doesn’t mind the low efforts they put in their outfit when they come to visit. She also doesn’t mind having a human caterpillar slumped on her armchair. Seonghwa has their head upside down looking at her.
“Why does it feel like I suddenly can’t do anything? It’s like… since I realized I was autistic my abilities are slowly fading. I don't think I can work again. I don’t think I can mask as good anymore. I don’t think I can function as a proper human being. It’s like now that I know, it’s crashing down on me. And the years I spent forcing myself to go through it are catching up and asking for reparation.”
Hongjoong doesn’t look up while she answers, too busy counting beads.
“You need a break.”
Seonghwa huffs because is it really Hongjoong that is telling them that? The same woman that doesn’t know what rest means? But they don't want to have that conversation again. Hongjoong is way too stubborn for her own good.
“How am I supposed to do that when society expects me to be productive?”
There’s no way they can live in a cottage in the middle of the woods with no human interactions.
“Fuck society.”
Her voice is muffled because she’s trying to cut thread with her teeth as if she doesn’t own a pair of scissors, but there’s still the revolutionary spark that's always ready to catch fire.
“Hongjoong. I can’t afford that. I still have bills to pay.”
Seonghwa wishes they could give up everything but they have to be rational.
“Ugh, I wish we could go back to trades instead of this whole capitalism bullshit. You bake me a cake and I make a jacket for you.
-What a dream.”
They agree silently. They talked about it before. Several times. It feels like some wishful thinking while also something reachable in the future. They have other friends interested and maybe they can build a small community that can cater to everyone’s needs. But of course, Hongjoong has to ruin the peaceful silence to judge their sitting habits.
“Is this position even comfortable?”
Seonghwa never knew how to sit properly. It’s just so boring and not comfortable. They make a show of sighing contently.
“It is, thank you very much.”
Their tone drips of fake smugness.
“See, that's your problem, all your blood is going to your brain making you overthink, when it should go in your heart, to focus on feelings, self love and stuff and maybe even lower to-
-Not one more word.”
Seonghwa actually gets up to be in a more conventional position, only to slouch back and be half on the floor half on the armchair. They know what Hongjoong was going to say just because she can't help and run her dirty mouth to be a brat.
“Also the heart is pumping blood so it goes through it anyway.”
Yes, because even if Hongjoong is trying to be poetic, it has to be accurate.
“Don’t give me an anatomy class right now, Mamster. Seriously though, you need to be more gentle with yourself. If you need more time to recover it’s okay. You’re discovering new things about yourself and learning to navigate through them. It’s not easy, so cut yourself some slack. And every day is going to be different. You won't have the same amount of energy when you wake up no matter the number of hours you slept. Trust me, I’m aware of that. And comparing your lower spoons self to yourself on your best days is just going to make you spirale. But also your feelings are valid. You’re coming to terms with the fact that the world is not made for us and that trying to fit in is actually hurting yourself so it makes sense to crash after that, to grief for your younger self who didn’t know and had to go through it. You’re allowed to feel all those things and to take a break.”
Seonghwa feels themself tearing up. They needed to hear this, to have their experience validated when the world let them down. Their best friend always knows what to say, it's uncanny sometimes. She jokes around a lot, but it only makes the heartfelt words more impactful. She cares.
“Do you want a hug?”
They nod, because even if they need time to process everything, they can get some physical support first. And so they end up in a tangled up mess, because neither of them can sit properly.
~
The bell startles them. They hate when people use it. It’s too loud. Their friends text when they’re here after they requested it and they don’t do well with surprise visitors. But, they're waiting for a package so they slip their head through the door. It’s a delivery indeed. They get the box and they’re already smiling widely. They try to get it open with bare hands but have to admit defeat so they rush to get scissors and cut through the cardboard. As soon as they see what's inside they squeak and do little jumps. They can’t even take it in their hands because they’re too busy shaking with excitement.
“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. It’s here! It’s here!”
They're so full of joy and they need a moment to calm down before holding the Lego box and inspecting the different sides. It’s from the Animal crossing and Lego collaboration aka two of their special interests. They did it for them. They want to build it right away.
Seonghwa 🦚
> Are you free? Can I come?
They always prefer to ask before showing up, just in case, even if Hongjoong always tells them they can show up whenever. They should learn to do that because Hongjoong is so bad at using her phone. Seonghwa keeps checking to see if they got a text back even if they have the vibrations on. They’re buzzing with energy and they need to get it out. They’re restless, reading everything on the Lego box, then checking their outfit and redoing their hair. They fumble with their phone when it finally shows a new notification.
Joongie 🦋🩷
> Sorry I didn’t see
> You’re always welcome here
> And if you’re still up for it I'm home
> I’m painting
Seonghwa 🦚
> I’ll be there in 15
Using the keys double they have, they let themself inside the apartment, trying to quickly take off their shoes and their headphones at the same time.
“How are you?”
But Seonghwa doesn’t have time to answer, they have something more important to show her, so they paddle to where the canva is sitting, making sure to stay behind to not ruin Hongjoong's set up.
“Look what I just got! It’s so cute! I want to build it now. I like the lighting in your apartment better.”
They shake the box in front of her, barely letting her time to actually see it before they’re putting their things on the table.
“Hello to you too.”
Hongjoong’s head is peeking from behind the canva. There’s no actual accusation in her tone. It's teasing and Seonghwa waves a hand at them.
“Sorry, hi! How are you? What are you painting?”
They’re genuinely interested in the answers so they put their hands behind their back to focus on that instead of lashing onto the legos. When they make eye contact, Hongjoong gives them a genuine smile.
“I’m okay. Working on an abstract piece about being queer, and also anarchy and chaos. I’m just not sure how many colors to put. Maybe all of them.”
She’s thinking with the end of her paintbrush in her mouth and Seonghwa hopes she didn't swallow some of the paint by accident. There’s some everywhere on her clothes already.
“Sounds cool and very you. You'll have to show me when you’re done.
-Thanks! And of course I will. Now start building your Lego before you explode of anticipation.”
Seonghwa doesn’t wait a second more and opens the box. They hum Animal crossing music while building the little house for their character. When Rosie falls on the floor by accident, they’re quick to apologize to her before going back to their task.
They’re amazed by the amount of details in the set. They can't help but call Hongjoong regularly to show them. They're currently shocked over the letter going inside the mailbox and they gasp so loudly that Hongjoong’s head appears from behind the canva before they even have to say her name.
“Look! It fits in the hole and then Rosie can open the mailbox to get her mail. Isn’t that awesome? They thought of everything!”
They’re looking at it to see the mechanic behind it and how perfectly sized everything is. They’re about to gush more when they notice Hongjoong fondly looking at them and they blush from embarrassment. They didn’t mean to distract her so much with their nonsense.
“I’m not annoying, right?”
She shakes her head with a smile.
“Not at all. Please keep going, I like seeing you so passionate.”
They shyly smile back, because they still feel like they're too much sometimes.
“I’m sorry, I get overly excited sometimes, I don’t want to be boring.”
The insecurities are sipping through their words. Rationally they know Hongjoong isn’t bothered but they’re still not over the hundreds of rejection they got from other people in the past.
“Seonghwa. It’s fine. I like it and I like learning about it. Also you usually listen to me ramble about music and my art and craft stuff, so it’s only fair.”
They hum. It makes them feel better that it's going both ways.
“Do you want to stay for dinner?”
They look at the clock realizing how much time has passed.
“You only ask because you want me to cook.”
They’ve known each other long enough to be able to make that type of joke.
“I mean… I'm not going to deny it, but I also like to eat with someone else.
-You can say you enjoy my company, you know?”
Seonghwa is teasing. In theory they know the answer, but it still feels good to hear it so sincerely.
“I do…”
Seonghwa cooks something quick and puts Hongjoong’s food on a plate while they put theirs in a pink bowl, because food tastes better in a bowl with a spoon.
They chat as they eat and Seonghwa swings from left to right, enjoying the moment. They both lack time awareness so Seonghwa leaves late with their finished Lego set in a bag.
~
Joongie 🦋🩷
> link
> Do you want to go with me?
Seonghwa barely looks at the information, it’s an outdoor circus show, it looks cool and they trust Hongjoong. They also love discovering new things and going out with her. If Hongjoong asked them to go on the other side of the world on a whim they’d say yes, especially since Hongjoong hates doing things alone.
Seonghwa 🦚
> Let’s go
They meet up on their way there and Seonghwa asks details about the event, but Hongjoong can't even answer because it was an impulsive decision and she didn't check more than the process to buy tickets. So they’re both going in clueless.
They arrive early enough to find a decent spot and sit on the blanket Seonghwa brought. They play with the grass until the show starts and then they try to take in everything but there’s so much happening. Their eyes are fixed on the artists and their smooth movements. The way they bring a whole story to life with different art forms. It’s captivating. Seonghwa is hermetic to everything else and scouts away from Hongjoong when they touch because it’s too much stimulation. When the darkness comes with the night, it looks even more ethereal. Like fallen stars dancing on earth.
At the end, Seonghwa claps their hands until they hurt, but not too loudly to not bother anyone around them. And then they get out of the crowd, because it’s enough for one day. For one month even. Once they reach a calmer space, Seonghwa stops Hongjoong.
“Wait, I need a moment.”
And for a minute they stim, they do little jumps and shake their fists while letting out happy noises.
“It was awesome! Thank you for bringing me here. All those talented people… and the outfits. And just aaaaah. I loved it. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
And Hongjoong looks at them with a soft gaze as they keep happy stimming. It feels so good to let out the feelings that are too big to stay inside. The pure joy.
They both talk animatedly about the show on their way home, pointing out every detail they noticed and gushing about how fabulous it was. It’s hard to separate ways because of how much they still want to talk. They’re just repeating the same things at this point, running into circles of excitement and praise.
Seonghwa feels their energy slowly going down though and they still need to do their routine before going to sleep so they bid each other goodbyes with the promise to do this more often, if they remember.
Seonghwa manages to do everything with some self induced motivation, repeating inside their head that they can do it, that it’s good for their health and that they'll feel better afterwards. They let out a relieved sigh when they slip into bed, still high from their evening. They grab their phone, opening their chat with Hongjoong. Talking about feelings out loud is difficult most of the time. They get shy and they need time to find their words. But by text it’s another story.
Seonghwa 🦚
> I know I don't say it a lot out loud, but I love you and you're important to me. I’m very grateful that you’re existing and I’m lucky to have you in my life.