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Draco averted his gaze, looking down at his plate and continuing his meal.
Wait ... what had he just been thinking about?
He frowned, and looked around the Great Hall, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary and he couldn’t remember anything strange happening. People were chatting all around him, enjoying dinner like on any normal day.
He must have just been lost in thoughts and randomly snapped back to reality. Just one of these weird moments you can’t really explain, he supposed.
He shrugged, shaking off the strange feeling. His gaze gut stuck on the Gryffindor table across the hall, or rather, one very specific Gryffindor sitting at the table.
Bright green eyes were already fixed on his and he almost smiled as he took in Potter’s slightly confused expression. Draco felt the hope rush back through him that he had felt just a few minutes before, when he had been staring at Potter earlier. Hope that they would have a chance after all.
He wasn’t sure what exactly had overcome him last night when he had allowed himself to stay with Potter for a while longer than usual. To wrap his arms around him and cuddle with him for hours. But it had been ... nice. More than nice.
Draco had felt at home, hugged by Potter’s comforting arms, and he had allowed himself to imagine what it would be like if they were actually together, and not just as people who secretly made out in broom closets but pretended to hate each other at every turn, but as actual, real ... boyfriends? The thought almost made him giddy.
He knew Potter loved him, deep down he knew. He just wasn’t sure what kind of love it was, and he had always been scared of it not being as deep, as all-encompassing, as Draco’s love was for him. Because he had always been sure that someone like Potter could never love someone like him, a deatheater.
He still wasn’t sure, but something inside him told him that he at least had to try.
On paper, their relationship seemed like a total disaster. Draco, the enemy, the deatheater, the bully – and Potter, the saviour, the best person Draco had ever met in his life. Harry had every reason to hate him, to despise him. But he didn’t, and maybe that was what finally gave Draco the courage to decide that he had to confess his love for the boy.
He liked to tell himself that it was better for him not to let Potter too close, because Potter deserved better than him. Potter deserved someone he didn’t have to hide, someone who could give him children, someone he could be proud of in public. Someone who wasn’t as bad of a person as Draco was sure he was.
But Draco also saw how Potter was suffering. He clearly wasn’t sleeping enough, plagued with nightmares and more horrors than any sixteen year-old should know. And Draco knew, from the many late night talks he had had with Potter, that Potter didn’t feel very much like a saviour at all, like their hero, their “golden boy”.
No, he had told Draco one night, he only felt sorry, and alone. He blamed himself for the death of his godfather, and Cedric, and so many more. And Draco saw clearly what others seemed to overlook: Potter thought himself unloved, unlovable.
Sure, he had Weasley and his family, and Granger. Dumbledore seemed to favour him over any other student and McGonagall had always had a soft spot for him. And, of course, the whole wizarding world had put their hopes in him. But all of those were strangers, or Potter’s friends and found family. Draco knew that, deep down, Potter thought of himself as broken, as unlovable, in a romantic sense.
Which was just not on.
He was fully aware of what he might lose should he confess to Potter, of all the problems that would await him – them – but he couldn’t help but feel like it would be worth it, that he could endure whatever Potter would tell him, however he would react to his confession, as long as Potter knew how deeply, how profoundly he was loved.
Draco didn’t have much to offer, he knew that very well. The only thing he had, really, was his love. He just hoped it would be enough.
Nervously he smiled at Potter across the hall, subtly moving his hands to form the sign they had come up with if one of them needed to see the other. Then he stood up, telling Pansy and Blaise something about how he had to finish his Potions’ essay, and left the hall. He couldn’t have finished his meal anyway, not in this state.
He made his way up to the Astronomy Tower – their secret meeting point, where they had shared their very first kiss – enjoying the deep orange and purple hues of the sunset that was just coming to an end, darkness encroaching all around him, enveloping him fully.
“Malfoy?”, he heard Potter’s voice from his left, where the boy let himself fall to the floor next to him, mirroring his gaze at the sky. And just like that, the light had come back into his life.
“You’re my light”, he whispered softly and smiled, feeling like he had to be as open and honest as he could, if he wanted to really go through with this.
Potter’s face tensed up, his eyes narrowing in confusion – in anger? Draco quickly snapped back to reality, realising what he had just let slip.
“What?!”, Potter exclaimed anxiously. “What are you talking about, Malfoy? Why did you want to meet?”
Draco sighed as he looked at his lap, fiddling nervously with his hands.
“I – I have to tell you something.” He looked up at Potter, searching for his gaze and locking eyes with him in an attempt to convey how serious this situation was to him, how important. “But I need you to promise that you will not interrupt me and just let me talk, because I – I don’t know if I can say this again. I need to say this now, all of it, or I won’t ever be brave enough to say it again.”
His voice wavered as he closely examined Potter’s shocked face, whose expression had turned even more irritated. “You’re scaring me”, he whispered.
Draco laughed wetly, tears already welling up in his eyes, though he held them back. “Can you promise?”
“Yeah, I – of course. You can tell me anything, okay?”
Draco nodded, before he took a deep breath.
“I lied to you.” He watched as Potter’s face contorted into one of hurt, then anger, and quickly continued talking, averting his gaze and staring out into the dark night sky as he let the words pool out of him.
“I lied to you, every time I kissed you and then ran away, every time I told you – told myself – that this, what we have, whatever we have, that it is only physical. And I know I hurt you with that and I – I’m sorry. I was just ... so scared. I’m still so scared.”
He took a shaky breath, allowing himself to look back at Potter, who just stared at him with his mouth slightly open, stunned.
“I’m scared I’m not enough, will never be enough. Enough for anyone, really, but mostly for you. I’m scared that I don’t deserve you because I have been nothing but horrible to you over the years, because you are Harry Potter and I’m just – I’m just a stupid pureblood who made your life hell for years. I’m scared of letting you come too close, of letting you see too much of me, because I think that – that if you will, you won’t want me anymore. That you will come to your senses about all this” – he waved his arm between them, chuckling nervously and sniffling his nose – “about us.”
Potter opened his mouth, as if to interrupt, to say something, but Draco quickly laid his hand down on Potter’s arm, pleading him to wait. “Don’t – I just – I just need to say this. I don’t expect you to actually want me, you have so many reasons not to. And even if you do, I have always felt like I would be depriving you of the future you deserve if you ... if we would be ...” He turned his face away, quickly sorting through his jumbled thoughts.
“I don’t expect you to really want me”, he started again, “and I know that I don’t have much to offer, that us being together – properly together – would come with so many sacrifices. But I need to tell you ... I can’t go on any longer without making sure you know how loved you are, by the people around you. Your friends love you, Harry”, he looked into Potter’s deep green eyes, allowing himself to call him ‘Harry’, just this once, to show his weakness fully.
Tears running down his face he gathered all his courage and took Harry’s hand in his, who’s face was still stuck in shock.
“I love you”, Draco whispered. “I just – I just need you to know. You mean everything to me.”
He tried to wipe his tears away with the back of his hand as he stared at Harry’s face in fear. This was it, he thought, he had done it.
It took Harry a while to find his words, and Draco watched his face closely as he first started blinking violently, then tears started running down his face, and then he suddenly started smiling, the smile growing and growing until it was lighting up his whole face.
“You love me?”
Draco nodded, holding his breath. “Yes”, he whispered.
“You – you’re sure? You really ... want me?”, Harry’s voice was quiet and trembling. Draco wasn’t sure he had ever heard him so unsure, so anxious, and it broke his heart.
“Yes. I’m sure, so sure, Harry. I want you, more than anything else.”
Suddenly, Harry crashed forward, pulling Draco into a fierce hug, his arms wrapped tightly around his middle. He hid his face in Draco’s nape, burying his nose into Draco’s hair, as his tears spilled onto Draco’s shoulder and his frame shook with sobs.
“I – I want you too. I need you, Draco”, he sobbed as Draco sat there – stunned. He carefully wrapped his hands tighter around Harry, holding him as close as he could.
After a while, Harry disentangled himself from Draco’s grip, looking at him with teary eyes, his face flushed red.
“I thought you hated me”, he whispered. “I – I thought you just kissed me because I was convenient, because it wasn’t anything more. I felt so stupid, Draco, so ... unloved. Promise you won’t ever make me feel that way again?”, he asked, his voice shaking.
“I promise”, Draco said earnestly, looking deep into Harry’s eyes. “I promise I will always show you how much I love you, how much I need you.”
“I love you so much”, Harry said with rushed breath, before he leaned in and gently cupped Draco’s face with his hands, drawing him into a soft kiss.
The kiss felt different to all the kisses they had shared before, though it was full of familiarity. But it held so much more than that – it was a promise.
{♡}
A lot of snogging later, Draco softly carded his hands through Harry’s wild curls as they laid on the floor of the Astronomy Tower in a tight embrace, looking up at the stars and exchanging soft kisses here and there.
“What will we do know?”, he asked, scared.
Harry hummed in his arms, pressing a quick kiss onto Draco’s lips.
Draco smiled but his face quickly turned serious. “I mean it, Harry. What will we do? We have to keep this a secret or otherwise your reputation will be destroyed. And we could be in huge danger, both of us. They can use this against us. They can use me to hurt you, Harry, and I won’t ever let that –”
“Shh”, he was interrupted by Harry’s gentle voice hushing him. “I know”, he said, his fingers caressing Draco’s cheek. “I know, Draco. We will find a way, trust me. Can we just ... just forget about all that, just for now? I want to enjoy this moment, with you.”
Draco smiled softly, his heart racing with elation. “Of course.”
They just looked at each other in silence for a while, basking in each other’s open, loving gazes, when Harry’s voice cut through the night.
“Can I ask you ... what made you decide to tell me, tonight? Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not mad” – he smirked – “but I just wondered ... what changed your mind?”
Draco looked up at the stars, losing himself in his thoughts. “I’m not sure, really”, he said after a few moments, as he seemed to come back to reality, to Harry.
“I can’t describe it. It just – felt like I should. As if someone had suddenly opened my eyes. I needed to show you my love.”
Harry smiled softly. “I’m glad you did.”