Archive of Our Own

March 12, 2017

I think it all started when Mom and Dad died. They died two years ago when I was sixteen, I’m eighteen now but yet I can’t get over it. Yujin cried during the entirety of the service, not once stepping away from the coffins where our parents laid. He was the family’s beloved youngest, Mom’s favorite even if she never admitted it. But it all came crashing down.

My older brother, Hanbin, was there at the service too. He went out of state for college but booked the first flight he could find back home, he brought his boyfriend, Hao, with him as well. He’s pretty nice. Hanbin never got to finish college, he dropped all of his past responsibilities and took on the responsibility to be mine and Yujin’s legal guardians instead. I feel bad for him sometimes, he’s had to lose a lot of things to benefit others. At the service, Hanbin tried to have this stone-cold facade, trying to be that dependable older brother but I could see the tears in his eyes. Every once in a while, a tear would roll down his cheek. He probably thought no one would notice, but I did.

Yujin was crying himself to exhaustion, Hanbin was pretending to be strong, but me, I suppose I didn’t feel anything at the time. I stopped feeling a lot of things after that. I’d say I stopped feeling happy but that’s not quite true because I feel happy whenever I play soccer with Yujin in the backyard or hug my boyfriend Ricky and there are times when I feel sad, especially when I realized that I fucked up again. But I think what I stopped really feeling was warm.

May 20, 2017

It’s Ricky’s birthday today. He’s turning nineteen and he invited me over to his parent’s house to celebrate. There’s cake and balloons and music. Ricky’s conversing with his family in Mandarin, a language that I always fail to learn even with Ricky’s teaching. Making sure I get the tones right and all. I don’t mind it though, I’m just sitting next to him on the couch while he talks happily and I’m just as happy listening and looking around the living room.

I excused myself to the bathroom after some time. Ricky smiles at me then nods and I make it my mission to use the bathroom as fast as I can to see him again and his smile sooner.

It’s when I’m washing my hands and glance down into the basin. Making sure I get the soap into every crevice on my hands but then I see the orange pill bottle on top of the counter. I hastily dried my hands with a towel, and I really shouldn’t have but I reached for the bottle. There can’t be more than a few pills inside of it, I shake it up while reading the label. It’s prescribed to Ricky’s mother and I didn’t read anything else other than that before I twisted the cap open and popped one, two, three of the pills into my mouth at once.

When I walked back downstairs and sat back down next to Ricky, I wiped my palms on my pant legs. Whenever Ricky looked at me, I felt uneasiness but I mustered up the strength to give him a meek smile though it just made my palms sweat even more than before.

“Are you okay?” Ricky asked, quiet enough for just me to hear. He had a birthday hat on and that was currently the only thing I could pay attention to. I nodded my head all while avoiding Ricky’s eyes. Nonetheless, he carried on with conversations with his family and the rest of his birthday celebration went swell, though his birthday was also the day I started using again.

May 25, 2017

“My mom got a refill on her pills yesterday.” Ricky says. We’re sunbathing in my backyard, laying down on beach towels as we soak up the sunlight. “She was supposed to get a refill at the end of this week, but she said she didn’t have enough pills to last her.”

I turn my head and notice that Ricky’s wearing sunglasses. He doesn’t like having the sun in his eyes but I should probably tell him he’s going to get a gnarly sunglasses tan on his face if he keeps them on.

“That’s weird. Aren’t pharmacists supposed to make sure there’s enough pills and stuff like that?” I replied. Ricky took his sunglasses off without me having to tell him before sitting up and peering down over me. It makes him feel a lot bigger and makes me a lot smaller from this angle though usually it’s the other way around.

“Do you remember my birthday party a few days ago?”

I nodded.

“Did you go into the bathroom and take my mom’s pills?”

I sit up and face Ricky. That way it doesn’t feel like he’s towering over me. It feels authoritative whenever he does that and I don’t like it.

“What? Of course I didn’t. Why would I do that?”

Ricky’s got that facial expression that’s hard to decipher but when you look into his eyes, his facade breaks and all of the emotion laces through his features. Hurt. That’s what he’s feeling right now.

“Gyuvin, please don’t lie to me.” He pleads, his eyes are glossy and I don’t know why he doesn’t believe me. He wouldn’t have to feel this way if he just went along with what I said. “Are you using again? Do you need help, Gyuvin?”

And I don’t know. I guess I kind of just flipped because my own boyfriend didn’t believe me, my own boyfriend didn’t think I could stay sober and I guess that reality hit me hard. To know that Ricky is still prancing around that possibility of me not ever staying sober.

“I didn’t take the fucking pills!” I bursted and Ricky visibly coiled back and it released this venom to go soaring through my veins. He was scared. Scared of me. “Why the fuck would I take your mom’s pills, Ricky? I don’t need help, are you going to send me back to rehab or something?”

Even when Ricky’s eyes welled up with big, fat tears. I couldn’t stop. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, that my boyfriend didnt believe in me.

“God, I can’t do anything without anyone thinking I’m fucking using again. Is it so hard to think I actually have the potential to stay clean?”

A tear rolled down Ricky’s cheek and I had half the mind to reach out and wipe it away. Pull him into my arms and apologize profusely but I’m burning with frustration that I can’t even move my body an inch.

“Of course not, Gyuvin. It’s just–relapse is apart of the process, you know, to sobering up and everything–”

“Cut the bullshit, Ricky. You just don’t think I have it in me. No one does, you all treat me like a fucking child.”

RIcky sniffles after that. Breaking eye contact with me to wipe at his eyes before he stands up and grabs his beach towel. He’s standing over me again, I hate it. I don't like not feeling in control.

“You need to call your sponsor or something, Gyuvin. I’ll–I’ll get Hanbin, okay? Just–God, Gyuvin, let us help you.”

Ricky quickly walked away before I could even say anything in protest.

June 4, 2017

I didn’t get to walk at my high school graduation. I can blame Hanbin and Ricky and my sponsor all I want but the reason I’m back in rehab is all because of myself. Maybe they could’ve waited until after graduation to send me back but they didn’t and that’s just the consequences of my actions, I guess.

People who have gone to prison sometimes say that someone will leave, whether they made it out on bail or stayed for their respective time, but they’ll end up coming back. Usually it depends on the type of person that they’re talking about and sometimes I agree with that statement. But it’s hard to come to terms with it when it’s your own self who’s that person that leaves just to come back.

I originally had plans to go to college. Especially with Ricky. But I think that decision will have to be delayed, or maybe not happen at all with the rate that I’m going at. I’m ready to give up at this point. I feel like I’m making it far but I always end up back at square one, it’s frustrating and belittling. Downright embarrassing that I just can’t stop. People can call an addiction a disease or a sickness all they want, but what most fail to realize is addiction is a choice that people make. People don’t just choose to fall ill with a cold or fucking cancer, but people can choose whether or not they want to shoot up heroin or fuck themselves over on methamphetamines. There’s a difference.

Even though I didn’t walk at graduation. I was still sent congratulatory letters and the occasional bouquet of flowers from family and friends. It made rehab, my new home, seem a bit better than the usual hell on earth that it feels like.

“Hey, you. How’s it going?” Hanbin’s voice rings out through the telephone. His voice was staticy but I could still hear the gentleness laced throughout it. Everything about my older brother was so gentle, it’s a miracle how he hasn’t broken yet. I can also hear Hao yell out “hello” in the background, much less gentle than Hanbin.

“It’s going really well, actually.” I say. It sounds like a lie but I’m honestly not too sure myself if it is one so I’m going to just ignore it. “The 30-day program is much more useful than I thought it would be. Thought I’d dread being away from home for so long, but it’s not that bad. Recovery is going great and I’m getting set up with my sponsor once I get out. Big things.”

I can hear the way Hanbin lets out an exasperated breath. In relief I hope. “That sounds amazing, Gyuvin. Yujin really misses you, you know.” I smile at the thought of my younger brother. “I’m not as good as you at soccer so he says it’s not that fun whenever we play together, he misses you a ton.”

I laugh at that. Hanbin was never as athletic as Yujin and I. Stuck to the books, I guess. A cliche nerd you can call him but don’t tell him I said that.

“Tell him I miss him just as much too. When I come back home, I’m gonna beat his ass in a match, he won’t even see it coming.” Hanbin laughs, it’s contagious so I laugh as well.

“It’s nice to hear from you, Gyuvin. Nice to hear that you’re doing okay.” Even though I can’t see it. I can tell that Hanbin has that stupid, endearing smile on his face. The one that he uses whenever he’s absolutely smitten and proud of us, it’s kind of cringy.

“Yeah, yeah. My time is almost up. I miss you a lot too, Hanbin. Not just Yujin.”

“You better. I miss you too, Gyuvin.” I smile, the apples of my cheeks starting to get sore. “We’ll see you in a couple weeks. I love you.”

“Yeah, I love you too.”

June 6, 2017

I wasn’t lying when I said rehab felt like hell on earth. Sure, sometimes it wasn’t that bad but it was suffocating. So I ran away. The facility says that they have maximum security but it’s a whole lot of bullshit because all I did was hop a fence and I bolted out of there. Easy peasy.

I didn’t want to go home first. It was the middle of the night and it was a weekday which meant that Yujin had school in the morning while Hanbin and Hao had work. I didn’t want to bother them so I decided to run away to a park on the outskirts of town just to make sure that no one from the rehabilitation center would find me. But I’m pretty sure that once a patient is out of the building, there’s nothing they can do about it. It’s another win for me in the books.

It was chilly out and I only had a thin cardigan that I stole from Ricky to keep me warm though I knew that I would never be able to feel truly warm unless I had meth running through my veins but I made it work anyways. I found myself curled up on a bench, the wind was biting at my cheeks and the tip of my nose which made it hard for sleep to wash over me. I ended up watching the sun rise. Beautiful shades of orange and yellow with a hint of pink. Seeing this sunrise suddenly made all of my choices in life worth it. It was a sight to see.

The sun fully rose and people had started to migrate across the park. The world was alive now and so was I. I hauled myself off the bench and made my way back into town. I wonder if they declared me a run away yet but I also didn’t really care. My only mission right now was to find a telephone booth so I could call Hanbin to come and get me. It’s early morning so he probably hasn’t left for work yet, probably packing Yujin’s lunch. Finding a telephone booth was harder than I thought, it would’ve been easier scoring crack with the way I passed by at least two potential dealers on the sidewalks.

Eventually I found one and enclosed myself inside of it. Hanbin’s phone number is the only one that I have completely memorized. I don’t even remember my own. It’s probably from the amount of times that I’ve had to speed dial him whenever I needed some help.

“Hello?” Hanbin’s voice sounds out of breath. Has he been running or something?

“Hanbin, it’s me. Gyuvin. Can you come pick me up?” I twirl the telephone wire around my finger as if it’s a strand of hair. My hair is getting pretty long and shaggy, I should ask Hanbin if we can cut it when we get home.

“Gyuvin?” He sounds shocked. “Where are you right now? Did you run away? Where are you?”

I hummed and looked around at my surroundings, trying to find a street name or the name of a nearby establishment. “Uhh–you know that one book store you took me and Yujin to so we could buy the new volume of spiderman? Yeah, I’m there.”

Hanbin sighs and he sounds exhausted. Must’ve had a tough morning or maybe didn’t sleep well. Poor guy.

“Okay–Okay, just–stay there, Gyuvin. I’ll be there in 10 minutes, okay?” Hanbin says. “Don’t move.”

“Yes, sir.” I hung up the phone and waited on the curbside in front of the bookstore. It wasn’t as cold as it was last night but whenever the wind picked up I still shivered a bit.

Hanbin’s tiny red car pulled up in front of me and he stumbled out of the car with hurried movements. He was by my side in a split second, hoisting me up from off the curb and into the passenger seat, all with panicked motions.

“God–Gyuvin, you told me the other day that rehab was going fine and now you just run away?” Hanbin asks, stumbling over his words in a hurry as he presses on the gas and drives back home. I just leaned my head against the window and watched as the buildings passed us.

“They called me this morning to tell me that you ran away and that they can’t do anything about it so I spent like–I don’t know–maybe the past hour and a half just trying to find you.” Hanbin says. That explains why he sounded so out of breath over the phone. “I didn’t even have time to make Yujin breakfast or pack his lunch, I was looking for you. Where–Where did you even go? Why? Why did you run away?”

Hanbin’s rambling is starting to feel a lot like nagging and it’s getting annoying. I thought that when I called him he would’ve been happy to see me with the way he said he missed me so much the other day but now he just sounds angry, disappointed almost.

“Rehab isn’t gonna help me get clean or recover fully. I need to be home, you guys help me the most.” I say. When I talk the car window fogs up from my breath, I reach up and draw a smiley face.

Hanbin sighs again and I can see the way his hands tighten on the steering wheel out of the corner of my eye. “Okay. Okay, I’ll take you home.”

August 5, 2017

My sponsor's name is Kim Jiwoong. He’s been sober for more than 10 years and more than viable to be a sponsor. He’s a wise man. And a handsome one at that. If you looked at him, you never would've guessed that he used to be addicted to cocaine.

He takes me out on walks along the beach and car rides through the country, even out to lunch too. He makes me forget about ever using, he’s a great mentor and a great friend.

“What’s your problem, Gyuvin?” He asks. We’re sitting in a coffee shop and the only thing that I can sense right now is the smell of coffee beans and the muffled chatter of the people around us. Jiwoong has been stirring his tea packet around in his mug the entire time we’ve been here, I don’t think I’ve seen him take one sip.

I find myself laughing at that question. It’s absurd that he doesn’t know what my problem is when the sole purpose of my problem is why we’re even here sitting in a coffee shop.

“What do you mean?” I ask, I take a sip from my coffee mug. It’s bitter, I should’ve asked for more cream. I think Ricky’s sweet tooth is getting to me. “I’m an addict. I’m addicted to drugs, that’s my problem.”

I think he’s only asking this because of the fact I voiced my thoughts about wanting to use again. Ricky’s getting ready to go to college and Yujin has soccer practice more than he doesn’t. Hanbin and Hao still go to work so the house has been lonely, that’s why I’m always with Jiwoong these days.

“Yeah sure, you’re abusing drugs but that’s how you’re solving your problem.” Jiwoong says, he finally takes a sip of his tea. I don’t like tea, Hanbin drinks a lot of it. “Why do you use drugs, what are you trying to fix?”

I furrow my eyebrows. I give it some thought, I’ve given it a lot of thought before. Why do I fuck myself over on drugs?

“My parents are dead. You know that right?”

Jiwoong always has this stoic look on his face. Like he doesn’t have any feelings and it’s kind of annoying at times. He nods.

“When they died, I didn’t feel anything.” I stopped looking at Jiwoong’s face, I looked down at the cracks in the wooden table. “Yujin was crying, Hanbin was crying, but I didn’t feel anything. Not even warmth.”

I sat up straight, looked down at my coffee mug. I’ve drunk half of it by now.

“When I first tried it, I felt–I don’t know–I finally felt something. I felt warm. I felt good.” I said. Thinking about it just makes me crave the feeling even more. I had been so numb but I finally felt something go through my body and it was addicting to have some sort of feeling rush through my veins again. “And I just couldn’t stop. So I kept doing it, because it felt good.”

Jiwoong sat up as well, his eyebrows were furrowed together as he mustered up the words that he was going to spew into my brain.

“But clearly that feeling was only temporary.” He said. I suppose he was right. “That’s why you kept doing it, because that feeling went away so you had to do it again.”

The grip on my mug tightened. Sometimes I forget that Jiwoong has been through this process himself, I forget that he knows more than I think he does.

“There’s other ways to feel warmth, Gyuvin. It doesn’t have to be temporary. It can be permanent, too.”

I furrow my eyebrows. I don’t want to hear anything from him anymore because he doesn't know what it’s like to not have a source to find such a feeling.

“You probably think you can’t find a way to feel good and feel warm permanently, but you can and there are ways all around you. Even so, let's say you want to find a way to feel good temporarily. There’s other ways to do so that don’t involve meth.”

I think Jiwoong can tell that I’m upset because he’s staring at me and his eyes feel like lasers piercing through me. He’s annoying.

“When you play soccer with Yujin, you don't feel warm? Not even when you’re running around and sweating? When you hug Ricky or Hanbin or whoever, you can’t feel the warmth radiating from their body?”

“I do.”

“Then you can feel warm in other ways that don’t involve drugs, Gyuvin. You can feel all sorts of things, you can feel happy and sad and angry.”

I heave out a deep sigh and take a sip from my coffee mug again. I suppose maybe he’s right even though I don’t want to admit it. Even with the coffee sliding down my throat, it’s making my body feel warm.

“But the warmth I feel from others doesn't even compare to the warmth I feel when I’m using.”

That seems to stump Jiwoong, maybe he’s not as wise as I thought he was if he can’t even conjure up a response.

“Gyuvin, the warmth you feel from all the meth you're putting in your body is killing you.”

I gulp before clenching and unclenching my jaw. I avoid the look that Jiwoong is giving me and instead look outside the window that we’re sitting next to and out at the people roaming the sidewalks.

“I don’t think you understand.” I mutter. “I have a lot of love for the people and things around me. I love Hanbin, I love Yujin and Ricky and even Hao. But I love the way being high makes me feel even more. That’s my problem.”

August 30, 2017

It’s my birthday today and I believe the best gift I’ve gotten today is being clean for 92 days. It’s not quite the special milestone like being 100 days sober or even 365 days but it’s better than not being sober at all.

I’m not having that big of a party. Not an extravagant one with all my relatives like Ricky’s party because if I’m being honest, ever since my parents died, we lost contact with most of the family. But it’s fine, I’m content with just celebrating with Hanbin, Yujin, Hao, and even Ricky. Yeah, I haven’t seen him in a while but he actually came to celebrate with me so that made me feel nice. Jiwoong stopped by for a little bit too which surprised me but I think it’s a great thing that he’s here too.

My birthday and turning nineteen just marks another year that I haven’t died from an overdose. That I actually survived. So yeah, it feels pretty nice.

I’m nineteen but there’s colorful balloons scattered around the house that Hao blew up this morning. There’s a “Happy Birthday” banner pinned across the island counter that’s filled with homemade cupcakes with blue frosting on top.

“Yujin helped me make it with me last night. He did really well, didn’t he?” Hanbin says when I take a bite out of one of them. I smile and nod, the blue frosting staining my teeth.

Everybody sings happy birthday to me and It’s kind of awkward standing their behind the cake that they bought with the words “Happy Birthday Gyuvin” on it. Everybody stares at me with big smiles and big eyes, clapping their hands ever so slightly. I smile too because it’s contagious. I blow out the candles, not without making a wish of course before Yujin comes up behind me and smashes my face into the cake.

I laugh, he laughs before I grab a handful of cake and smear it onto his face as payback. We only stop when Hao scolds us for ruining the cake but we know he’s not actually that mad because he’s still smiling and snaps a few quick pictures of our cake-ridden faces.

I get a journal from Jiwoong, he tells me to write in it everyday. Something about it being good for my well-being. Yujin got me a jersey from one of our favorite soccer teams with the help of Hanbin. Hao got me some hoodies and Ricky gifted me some records that I used to talk to him about.

Me and Yujin venture out into the backyard to kick around the soccer ball. Jiwoong went home shortly after the gift-giving while Hanbin, Hao, and Ricky watched us from the patio. Yujin is definitely getting better than me at soccer, he’s much quicker and more agile when he dribbles the ball to the other side of the yard. I blame it on his young age, therefore he has stronger bones.

“Come on, boys! Water break.” Hanbin yells out before they all stumble back inside. I stay outside, sitting down on the grass with my legs stretched out in front of me when Ricky tells me he’ll get me some water.

I look up at the sky as I sit in the backyard and just let the sun shine down on me. Allowing me to soak up all of its energy and light. Because the sun doesn’t care who I am or what I’ve done, it doesn’t know that I’m a massive fuck up, that I’m an addict. So it’ll continue to shine down on me, even in a world that wants to hurt me. I’ll be fine and I’ll be safe. Or whatever. Something like that.

Ricky comes back outside and sits down next to me on the grass. He presses a cold water bottle to the side of my neck and I feel instant relief. We don’t do a lot of talking when we’re around each other, but I don’t mind because even just Ricky’s presence says enough. That he loves me and that he knows I love him. I suppose that’s all that matters.

I twist open the cap to the bottle and down at least half the bottle. I can hear Hanbin’s distant chattering from inside the house before Ricky lays his head on my shoulder. His blonde hair is tickling my neck but I don’t mind because he looks pretty just like this, with the sun shining down and reflecting across his face. I never really notice just how pretty Ricky is until I admire him from up close. I feel really lucky to call him my boyfriend.

We sit just like that. In silence. Until the patio door slides open and Yujin runs out from it. Ricky takes his head from off my shoulder, leaving a chaste peck on my cheek that leaves my face flushing red.

“Happy birthday, Gyuvin.”

September 5, 2017

Ricky’s leaving for college today. I feel a bit disheartened knowing that it was supposed to be the both of us leaving today to go chase our dreams. We were supposed to experience dorm life and frat parties together but now he’s going alone while I’m stuck in this town.

I can tell Ricky is upset about the circumstances as well but he tries not to show it by keeping a smile on his face. I feel bad. Because the only reason that we can’t go together is because I fucked up again and made promises that I couldn’t keep. Promises that I sealed with a kiss on the lips.

I think I’m also scared of the possibility of Ricky finding someone better. That while he’s there he’s going to realize that I’m not a dependable person, that I’m too aggressive in too many ways, too much of a liar and someone you can’t trust. That he can do so much better than dating a meth addict. I suppose I would’ve done that to myself, though. I had so many chances to get better, to stay clean but every single time I fucked up. So if Ricky were to find someone new and better than me in so many ways, I’d have no one to blame but myself.

Ricky deserves someone better. I know he does but I’m selfish so I won’t leave him first. Because Ricky has been so good to me I’d be stupid to leave someone who treats me so well. Someone who’s patient and understanding. The more I think about it, the more I realize that the only reason Ricky is probably still with me is because he lacks the self worth to leave. There’s a sick feeling in my stomach that hopes Ricky never finds said self worth so he doesn’t leave me.

“I’ll visit during the holidays.” Ricky says, his voice impossibly soft and quiet. He reaches his manicured hand up to my cheek, rubbing his thumb over it once, then twice. He has this twinkle in his eyes, one that shows me that he’s ready to take the next step even when it’s without me. “I’ll miss you, Gyuvin. Will you miss me?”

It’s a silly question really. Because I’m already missing Ricky and I feel like I have been for a while now. Ever since Ricky started dating me, I think he’s changed. I think maybe he’s had to become more patient and more dependable because of the fact he’s dating me. He’s soft on the edges now but when I first met him he was sharp and rigid. Change isn’t really a bad thing, even when I still love Ricky all the same despite the differences in his character. But I have a feeling he only changed because of me and my actions.

“Of course I will. I’ll miss you a lot.” I say, reaching my hand up to engulf Ricky’s. It fits perfectly in mine and I pray that he doesn’t find someone else who fits him better than I do.

Ricky’s eyes start to well up with tears. His lip quivers and his eyebrows furrow before he finally lets his tears fall. He hooks his chin over my shoulder when he pulls me into a hug. At the time, I thought he was crying because he was going to miss me a lot. Which is half true. But as time went on, I realized he was crying because he was scared of what was going to happen now that he’s leaving. He was worried about what would happen to me.

“Alright,” he pulls away from the hug and wipes at his tears pitifully. He still musters up his strength to put on his best smile. “I have to go now, Gyuvin.”

I nodded and gave his shoulder a squeeze or two.

“I love you.” I say.

“Me too.”

October 30, 2017

I tell Hanbin that I’m going to an AA meeting. Told him I’d be back by 11PM because that’s the curfew that we both agreed on. Then I was out of the house and took the car with me to go to a Halloween house party hosted by one of my old friends who came home from college to visit.

It was nice to finally feel normal for once. To finally be around other people, have people that I can consider friends. I like being at home but I don’t feel like a normal nineteen year old. Ricky must be out there partying as well at college so it only makes sense that I do the same.

There’s flashing lights and booming music. A human body is covering every square inch of the house as I push through the crowds to find anyone who looks even slightly familiar. I find my friend, Seok Matthew, who’s not the host of the party if that matters, sitting on the couch with people who I’ve probably only talked to twice in my entire life.

“Gyuvin, hey! I haven’t seen you in years, man.” Matthew says when I sit down on a sofa chair opposite from him.

“Yeah, some stuff happened. Parents died.” It’s been a while since I’ve actually talked to someone who isn’t my blood family so I honestly didn’t know how to talk with another person. Not even Ricky and I talk on a regular basis.

“Shit, that sucks. Sorry to hear that.” Matthew says. I shrug before a joint is passed over to me. “This might help though?”

I gulp and the palms of my hands start to get sweaty. I wipe them against the rough fabric of my jeans. The smell of marijuana is pungent. I didn’t smell it on my way in but that’s probably because I’m so used to the smell already it has no effect on me unless it’s in front of me.

“I don’t know man, I’ve been sober for quite some time. Rehab, you know.” I say. The joint is still in front of me, taunting me. I don’t want to and I really shouldn’t but it’s just weed. A little weed isn’t going to send me overboard, it’s not going to put me at risk for overdose that’s for sure. It’s just to let loose. “But I mean, it’s just weed so why not.”

A few puffs from the joint turns into a line of coke which turns into popping a molly. It all goes downhill so fast but I just couldn’t stop because I haven’t felt this good in so long. Being at home is fine, great even, but I don’t feel anything when I’m lounging around. Having ecstasy jolt throughout the entirety of my body is a whole otherworldly experience that I haven’t felt in what’s felt like forever.

The thought of sobriety left my mind as quick as it entered and it just didn’t matter anymore. I should call my sponsor or maybe Hanbin but that would only cause me to stop feeling this addictive high. I thought this feeling would be out of my reach forever once I hit 100 days of being clean. But now that I have it back in my hands, I don’t know how I could’ve ever let go in the first place.

I don’t know when I suddenly ended up outside. Maybe it was when I felt that strange gust of cold wind flow through my hair but I’m leaning against a pole before lights from a car blind me in my face. Before I know it, I’m hauled into the passenger seat of a car and there’s nagging happening in my ear but I have no recollection of the words processing in my mind. I’m still coming down from my high. I think Jiwoong was right, this feeling is only temporary. I want to feel it again and I want to feel it soon.

“You told me you were at an AA meeting last night, Gyuvin.” I stumble out into the kitchen the next morning but Hanbin is already there with a cup of tea in his hands. “Where were you? Are you using again? Do we need to call your sponsor?”

I sit at the kitchen island and groan into my hands. I’m getting sick of tired of these insistent accusations and questions.

“No, you don’t need to call my fucking sponsor, Hanbin.” I run a hand through my hair before rubbing my face. “I–I won’t do it again, alright? It was just a one time thing, it was peer pressure.”

“Gyuvin, you were almost sober for half a year. All of that progress just went down the drain.” I can feel tears prick into my eyes because I know that Hanbin is disappointed in me. He doesn’t understand how good I felt last night, he doesn’t understand that I finally felt something after months of not feeling anything. I feel so alienated in my own home but once I snorted that line, everything went away.

“I’ll do better, I promise. You have to believe in me.” I say, plead, almost. I look Hanbin in the eye and I hope he can see the desperation in my eyes, the tears that are building up and threatening to spill. “It’s hard but I’m trying. It won’t happen again, just–don’t call Jiwoong, please.”

Hanbin’s grip on his mug tightens before he nods.

“Okay–Okay I won’t call him.” He says gently and I let a tear roll down my cheek.

December 28, 2017

I ran away again but this time it was from home and not rehab. Matthew had called me to hangout again but I asked if I could stay with him for some time and he agreed. I ran away the day after Christmas and ever since then I’ve been hopping from motel to motel with Matthew.

I only ran away because it felt so suffocating being at home when Hanbin, and probably Hao, knows that I’m no longer clean. It was annoying seeing the way they approached me carefully, not knowing if they’re going to be around the aggressive addict of a person I can be or the Gyuvin that they all know and love.

I didn’t ask why Matthew always had so much drugs on him but then it occurred to me that he was a dealer. Sometimes people would stop by the motel that we were staying at and he’d walk back inside with a fat wad of cash in his coat pocket, that’s when the pieces started clicking.

Matthew and I usually shoot it up on the bathroom floor. It’s a different kind of art, really. I like watching the small crystals bubbling on the spoon, the lighter I have is the one I stole from Ricky’s parents house. I’ve put it to use most definitely.

I think the worst part is injecting. I’m not scared of needles, never have been and never will be. It’s kind of ironic to be scared of such a thing when being in this type of crowd really. But it still hurts. It’s one of those fears that don’t scare me yet still surprises me, but injecting even the smallest amount makes me feel good, though it’s never enough. Letting the rest of it flow through my veins makes me realize that heaven is a place on earth, it feels good. So good.

Matthew dragged me to this sketchy place in the town. This is where most deals happen, the sidewalks are practically filled with addicts. I’m just another addition.

Matthew tells me to wait on the corner. I think he’s gonna go deal but I don’t know why he won’t take me with him. It’s whatever though, I wait because he’s my only source of shelter. But he doesn’t come back for a long time, and I mean a long time. He’s a small guy so it’s kind of hard to find him easily but he also has pink hair so it truly can’t be that hard.

I look long and hard for him. It’s December and all I have is a measly hoodie that Hao bought me for my birthday to keep me warm while I roam the streets and dark alleyways to find Matthew. But he fucked me over and left me. Whether it was on purpose or on accident, he left me and now I don’t really know where the fuck I am.

I make do with a bench in a park filled with even more addicts. It feels like I’m reliving the night that I ran away from rehab all over again with the way I’m huddled up on a bench. But this time, sleep comes to me easier because I’m not as cold with the meth running through my veins from earlier on the motel bathroom floor.

When I wake up, the skies are gloomy and I’m sort of hoping that Matthew is in front of me so he can take me back home to the motel. But he isn’t and instead there’s a homeless addict beside me. Am I considered a homeless addict too?

I get up from the bench and I have no way of figuring out what time it is but it’s definitely not early morning. I roam around, I guess. I have no way of finding my way back home so I just walk down any roads that I feel like will bring me back into town. When I find Matthew I’m gonna fucking kill him with my bare hands.

The gloomy sky should’ve made it obvious to me that the weather wasn’t going to be very nice. But obviously it wasn’t with the way I’m rushing to stand underneath a tree to shield myself from the heavy rain. It doesn’t really work because the rain falls in between the cracks of the branches and leaves and still soaks me so I strive to find shelter instead.

I’m hungry but I don’t have any money on me. I should’ve stolen some from Matthew but clearly that never crossed my mind. I’m walking down the street, my hoodie is soaking wet and sticking to my cold body and my shaggy hair is dripping with water. I’m cold, shivering, desperate to find shelter but there’s nothing in a mile radius from me.

I’m ready to accept my fate, ready to freeze to death as I sit on the ground beside a dumpster. Maybe I should go searching for food inside of it. But Hanbin comes into view when I start weighing out my choices. The jacket that he always wears is soaked even when he has an umbrella in his hand. He uses his other hand to help me up from off the ground before guiding me into the passenger seat that I’ve sat in many times.

Hanbin gets into the driver's side and says nothing to me but I can hear small sniffles and whimpers coming from him. I think he’s crying.

I take a nice hot shower and Hanbin gives me fresh clothes to change into as well as something to eat before I’m tucked into my comfy bed with a kiss on my forehead. It’s nice to be home, I don’t know why I would’ve ever run away in the first place.

They think I can’t hear them. They being Hanbin and Hao. But I can. They probably think I’m knocked out cold or something, which I was for like 5 minutes but not anymore. It’s hard to sleep nowadays.

It’s Hao’s voice that I hear first. He sounds stern, like he usually does. “You can’t keep doing this, Hanbin.”

“Doing what?” My brother replies, he doesn’t sound interested. He sounds exhausted, which isn’t like him. He’s usually very lively but he just sounds downright tired.

“All of this, leaving in the middle of the night to find him for hours on end.” He’s talking about me. “What happens when you look and you look but you can’t find him, when are you going to stop?”

I can hear Hanbin heave a deep sigh. These walls really aren’t thick. “It’s none of your business, Hao. He’s my brother, he’s been my responsibility ever since Mom and Dad died.”

I’m an adult. I’ve been an adult ever since I turned eighteen but I guess Hanbin still feels like he’s responsible for me because of how much I’ve shown I can’t be independent.

“It is completely my business, Hanbin!” He sounds angry, his voice rose so now I can really hear him. I wonder if Yujin can hear too. I wonder if conversations like these happen often. “It’s my business because it’s me who picks up the broken pieces of you when he relapses on fucking molly and meth or whatever else he uses.” Hao still isn’t addressing me by name but I know he’s talking about me because there’s no one else in this household, in this family tree, who’s such a massive fuck-up. A disappointment.

“It’s me who’s been by your side, supporting your decisions but I’m tired, Hanbin. I’m sick and tired of you thinking all of this is reasonable when it’s not.”

Hanbin rarely ever raises his voice. Especially when he’s around Yujin and I so it’s a foreign and scary feeling when he does. “It is reasonable, Hao. He’s my fucking brother and I need to help him. I’ll do anything to help him.”

“You can’t, Hanbin!” He sounds irritated. If there’s one thing about my older brother, it’s that he’s stubborn. “You can’t help him, you just can’t and you need to accept that. What are you going to do when you find him dead on the fucking street?”

Ouch.

“What am I supposed to do when we can’t even live our lives because you think you’re this savior when you can’t and won’t be. I’m sorry, Hanbin, I’m sorry but I need you. I need you but I can’t have you when you’re out trying to save someone you can’t.”

Hao sounded like he was in tears by the end of that sentence. That was the last thing that was said before the house went still and quiet.

Hao left after that and I didn’t see him for a couple days. I know Hao didn’t have any ill intent when talking about me. He’s nice to be around and makes me feel welcomed but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt and hit me like a truck. His words made me realize that my actions have affected more than just me. That it’s affected relationships and even other peoples relationships.

I mean, me and Ricky can barely be considered boyfriends with the way our ship is sinking, Yujin thinks I have no clue about how his friends at school know about what’s happened with his “addict brother”, and Hanbin is slowly losing himself and the ones he loves but he doesn’t want to accept it. If I were to ever bring this up, it’d be shut down immediately. But I know it’s true and sometimes I wish I wouldn’t be treated like a fucking baby.

January 4, 2018

I got sent to rehab again. Saw it coming honestly, not too sure how I feel about it. I haven’t left yet though. I’m still outside in the driveway to our house and saying my goodbyes to the four people who really deserve it.

Yujin hugs me really tight and I can tell he’s close to tears. I feel bad for always leaving him, for being the world's worst role model ever. I’d kill for that kid, I’d do anything to make sure he doesn’t end up like me. Hao came back too and hugged me just as tight, his hugs have always been so comforting because I know he means them. He kisses the top of my head and I can’t help but smile at that.

Hanbin hugs me next. It’s all suffocating and brotherly even though he’s going to hug me again when we get to the facility so there’s no reason for us to be saying goodbye but it’s whatever, I like his hugs too. He smells good.

Ricky is here too. Hanbin told him the news and he came back as soon as possible. It looks like he didn’t find anyone new at college, it’s sort of a relief for me.

Ricky is no more than a couple feet away from Hanbin and I. I’m peering over Hanbin’s shoulder and looking straight at him. His face is monotonous as it always is but it’s in his eyes that hold the most of his emotion. Sadness, guilt, disappointment? I’m not too sure what it is but it’s heavy and makes me feel ashamed for letting him down once again, for leaving him when he should’ve left me the first time I relapsed.

When Hanbin finally lets go, Ricky hugs me. It’s not as tight as the others but it’s still nice to be in his arms after so many months. Ricky has always been there for me and I’m not too sure why. We haven’t been on a date in what feels like a few weeks but in reality is a few months. We don’t kiss whenever we see each other and I don’t know why. Maybe Ricky thinks that if we lock lips he’ll end up becoming an addict too. I don’t know, that secondhand bullshit that people talk about all the time. I don’t understand Ricky most of the time, but I don’t understand myself either.

May 7, 2018

When I got out of rehab two months ago, I felt better. Like. Truly better. I think it’s because I actually stayed full term and didn’t run away like last time. Jiwoong is still my sponsor which I’m glad for because if I got a different one, we wouldn’t have the same connection like I have with Jiwoong.

Rehab was actually fun this time around. Third time’s the charm or whatever they say. I met some pretty amazing people, some people that gave me courage to do something with my life which is why I’ve applied to colleges. I thought college was going to have to be something I had to give up for the rest of my life but someone I roomed with told me I was too young to miss out on such opportunities which I suppose they were right.

Hanbin was ecstatic when I told him the news. He was really happy for me and so was Hao. Yujin was happy too but he’s at the age where all he’s thinking about is girls and soccer so I didn’t expect an extravagant reaction out of him.

I might’ve been addicted to meth but that doesn’t mean I’m stupid. I did well in school and I still graduated high school too, even if I didn’t walk the stage. So I was more than qualified to get into college. Which I did, it’s a local one. I didn’t want to go out of state because I still wanted to be close to home, the idea of even being far away was a thought that brought shivers down my spine.

Hanbin took me to the campus for a tour and it’s a huge place but I know I’m going to like it. I don’t start until the fall since the term is already about to end but I can’t wait. I’ll finally be able to experience what Ricky has been experiencing this past year. I already know that when I tell him the news, he’s going to be so happy even though we aren’t going to the same school. We’re still getting the same opportunities. So yeah, I guess things are going well.

November 16, 2018

I’ve been at college for about a month now and I absolutely love it. I love being around people my age even if they’re in the year above me because I started late. It doesn’t matter to me, I love it. My roommate is pretty chill too, he’s in my year but he’s a year younger than me. Park Gunwook. That’s his name.

I feel like I was meant to be here. That I was born to be able to experience college life. It’s like a breath of fresh air and I feel like a human being. Others complain about their early morning classes and the hefty amount of assignments but I wouldn’t ask for anything else because it feels amazing to actually have something to do, to have a purpose.

Whenever I have time, I even go back home to visit Hanbin, Yujin, and Hao. They always welcome me with open arms and it feels nice to sleep in my own bed and play soccer with Yujin in the backyard like the old days.

I have a part-time job at the campus coffee shop so I have extra pocket money to use to my own liking. These days I’ve been really into writing so I stock up on journals like a mad-man. I use my money to buy Ricky gifts since I never really did that when I was in my drug abusing slump. Ricky even comes to visit me sometimes and we go out for coffee. Everything is so different. I never knew being sober could feel this good.

December 25, 2018

It’s so nice to be home for the holidays. Christmas is my most favorite holiday ever because everyone is just so happy. I really love my family. I have a lot of love for the things around me. I’ll be sober for a year in a few weeks. I’m ecstatic about that. It’s a milestone that I’ve never reached before. I’m so proud of myself and I know the people around me are also proud of me.

It’s so much easier to stay clean when people aren’t accusing me of using again just because I seem to be having a good time.

August 30, 2019

I’ve been sober for a year and a little over a half and it’s my birthday. I’m twenty years old now and this age means serious business. I don’t think I could’ve made it another year without my family. Not without Hanbin, or Yujin, Hao, Ricky, or Jiwoong. I couldn’t have done it without them and I know it.

Even though they nagged at me and accused me, they’re the reason that I’ve been clean for so long. They’re the ones who I’m getting better for because I want them to be proud of me. I want them to see that I can actually do the things that I promised and that they can trust me when I say I want to get better.

I don’t want my family to be scared of me anymore, I don’t want them to be disappointed or embarrassed of me. I want them to be proud of me, I want them to be able to brag about how strong I am. I want Yujin to tell his friends how amazing his older brother is and I want Ricky to show me off to all of his classmates and tell them how wonderful of a boyfriend I am now that I got clean and stepped up. It’s selfish, I know. But I don’t want to be ashamed of who I am anymore.

October 31, 2019

I’m almost two years sober but that means nothing when you’ve been invited to a frat party. I was going to decline at first but Gunwook had insisted so I went. It’s not his fault that I lost control, it’s not anyone's fault but my own. I didn’t tell Gunwook about my problems with addiction because if I’m being honest, I didn’t want him to think differently of me.

I decline, decline, decline when I see people I used to know in the crowd that I used to partake in. I decline because I know how good I’ve been doing. I know how close I am to the two year mark and I know that once I hit it, I’ll feel good about myself all over again. My family will be so proud of me but it’s hard because I know nothing will ever feel as good as the high I feel when I start to use again.

I can feel it in my veins even though I haven’t touched anything. It’s like second nature to me. Something so familiar. My addiction is something that’ll always be a part of my life and because of that, I don’t understand why I try so hard to be clean if me, being an addict, will always stick to me like glue.

So yes, I sit down in the middle of the couch, surrounded by people I used to know and used to mess around with. Yes, when I lean down towards the coffee table and snort a line, I throw myself back against the couch and feel so good I nearly faint.

I look for Gunwook because I know I did something wrong and need to go home. But at the same time, if it’s so wrong why does it feel so fucking good. My eyes scan the space around me and I can feel myself getting dizzy until my eyes land on a familiar head of blonde hair.

It’s Ricky.

Ricky and I don’t go to the same school but it’s in the same city. So I guess it’s not strange for the two schools to attend the same party. But it wasn’t supposed to be this party where the two schools mix because I know for certain that Ricky watched me snort that line and I know for certain that when Ricky pulled out his phone it was to call Hanbin.

I clamber over the coffee table and chase after Ricky even when he runs out of the house and away from the bass boosted music at the party.

Ricky is fast, but I’m faster. I grab his wrist and yank him towards me, immediately grabbing his phone from out of his hand.

“Gyuvin, give me my phone back.” Ricky says. There’s fear in his eyes, that makes my stomach churn. I tried so hard to make sure no one would ever be afraid of me, but that all came crashing down. “I need to call Hanbin, Gyuvin, you–you relapsed, I need to call him.”

My grip around his wrist tightens and Ricky lets out a noise of discomfort but I don’t let go. “Don’t you fucking dare call Hanbin, you don’t need to tell him anything, Ricky.”

“Yes I do! You fucking relapsed, you’re using again, Gyuvin. I need to tell him.”

I pull Ricky in until our noses are practically touching. He’s shaking and his eyes are wide and filled with fear. He’s scared of me.

“I’m not fucking using again, Ricky. It was just a one time thing, don't be so dramatic.” I can smell the alcohol on Ricky’s breath. “You’re drunk anyways, you’re going to forget you ever saw anything in the first place.”

“You’re hurting me, Gyuvin, let go.” Ricky pleads quietly. He’s struggling in my hold but if I let go he’s going to run away and tell someone, anyone, that I relapsed and I’ll get sent back to rehab. “You–you were doing so well, Gyuvin. Why? Why did you do it?”

“God, I’m so sick of people asking me why. I don’t fucking know why, okay?” I’m yelling and people are looking at us but they’re much too drunk to care. My vision goes blurry, I think it might be tears. “I know, okay, I know you’re disappointed but you don’t know how hard it fucking is, Ricky.”

“Staying clean means nothing when the only thing people know me for is being a fucking meth addict.” A tear rolls down my cheek and slips into my mouth, it’s salty. “Being an addict is always going to be a part of me so what’s the point of trying to be someone I’m not. This is who I am, Ricky.”

“No, it’s not–”

“Fucking listen to me!” Ricky flinches and more tears roll down my cheeks. “You can send me to rehab as many times as you want, I can be clean for months or for years but it doesn’t matter because I will never be the person I was before I started using drugs. I will never be the Gyuvin I was before my parents died, I just won’t.”

Ricky is crying too. My chest hurts so fucking much and I can’t breathe. I think my tears are drowning me.

“So you can call Hanbin, he’ll send me back to rehab but everything is just going to happen again.” I take a deep breath and finally let go of Ricky’s wrist to wipe at my eyes. “But I’m begging you, please don’t. I don’t want to go to fucking rehab, I don’t want Hanbin to be disappointed in me too.”

Ricky lets out a sob and clutches his wrist close to his chest. I think I really hurt him this time.

“I’m so sick of people being disappointed in me and pitying me. I just want to be treated like a normal human being even though I’m not, please, Ricky, just don’t”

I’m close to getting down on my knees before him. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted something so much before besides meth.

“Okay, Gyuvin.”

June 6, 2020

When I come back home for the summer, I’ve been clean for approximately a day. Hanbin has no clue that I’m using again and I plan to keep it that way.

Yujin recently injured himself playing soccer so he’s in a cast and has crutches. His cast smells pretty fucking gnarly I’ll tell you that but it’s nice to be back home even if we can’t be in the backyard dribbling a soccer ball.

My room is exactly like how I left it before I went back for my second year. Except there’s not that many posters on the wall and my closet is pretty much empty except for the clothes I packed for the summer. It’s different but it’s still home.

Yujin is seventeen now and is almost the same height as me. I wonder where all the time went. He used to be so small compared to me but he’s really growing up well. I can tell that he’ll never be anything like me, though I do wonder if our parents' death has affected in different ways that I don’t know about.

It’s just Yujin and I at home. Hanbin and Hao are out running errands for dinner tonight so we’re just chilling on the couch rewatching all of the Spiderman movies because we can’t really do anything else with this kid being on crutches and all.

Halfway through Spiderman: Far From Home I go to the bathroom with the pure intent to relieve myself. Too much soda was drunk during Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse. When I’m washing my hands I see Yujin’s prescribed pain medication out of the corner of my eye. I pick up the orange bottle and examine it, shaking it up a little bit before pouring the pills into the palm of my hand.

I didn’t read the bottle that well, because if I did I would’ve known that Yujin has to take only half a tablet because the full pill might be too strong for a kid his age and nowadays doctors try to prevent addiction by giving lower dosages. It’s bullshit if you ask me. I shake up the pills in my palm as if they’re sunflower seeds before popping all of them into my mouth, leaving absolutely nothing. Hopefully Yujin isn’t in pain.

I kept the bathroom door unlocked because it’s only Yujin in the house and he knew not to come in because clearly I’m occupying it. But I guess it’s a good thing he did because I’m spasming out on the bathroom floor, foaming out of my mouth and Yujin’s screams sound so distant even though we’re in the same room. He’s calling out for Hanbin but Hanbin isn’t home.

I have no memory of what happened after that, I think I might’ve died.

June 8, 2020

I wake up hooked up to machines, an oxygen mask over my mouth and repetitive and honestly annoying beeping. There’s no one else inside of the room with me but I can see two familiar faces outside of my hospital room.

“I’m so sorry, Hanbin.” It’s Ricky’s voice. He sounds like he’s crying. “I didn’t tell you but I knew. I knew he was using this whole time but I didn’t tell you and I’m so sorry.”

I watch as Hanbin engulfs Ricky into a hug. I could use one of his hugs too.

“I should’ve told you but he told me not to tell you. I’m sorry, Hanbin, I’m so fucking sorry.”

I think I went back to sleep after that because when I opened my eyes again it’s dark outside and Jiwoong was beside my bed. Along with Hanbin, Ricky’s nowhere to be found and I’m guessing Hao and Yujin are at home or sitting in the waiting room.

I blink my eyes as I look at Jiwoong, he’s sitting on a chair with his legs crossed. Face stoic as he reads the book in his hands, he’s so nonchalant it’s annoying.

“Doctors said it’s a miracle that you’re even alive.” Jiwoong says. He didn’t even spare me a glance, yet he knew I was awake. He’s gotta be some type of wizard.

“They said you should’ve died with all the drugs you have in your body. I think that’s a sign to stop trying to fucking kill yourself by putting all this meth in your veins, don’t you think?”

June 16, 2020

The doctors basically laughed in my face when I told them I didn’t need rehab. Which I kind of understand because I just overdosed but I don’t think they understand that I really don’t need rehab. I just need to be home with my family and my sponsor.

Didn’t convince them though because Hanbin is in my room packing my bags while I sit on the edge of my bed. There are no words spoken and he doesn’t spare me a glance once. I haven’t seen Yujin ever since I got out of the hospital but it’d be really nice to talk to him, or just to see him.

I can tell everyone is disappointed in me and it hurts. I know they probably think I’m good for nothing if I can’t even stay off drugs. Sitting here on my bed that I won’t see for a few months allows me to realize that I’m alone and that no one will ever truly understand what’s wrong with me.

I wish I could have coped with my parents death like Hanbin or Yujin. They seem to be doing so well but it just had to be me who spiraled. It had to be me who couldn’t roam the earth without having all types of drugs in my system. Somedays, I look out the window in my room and look up at the sky, asking God–or anyone really–why I am the way I am.

I think I was put onto this earth to disappoint everyone around me because I don’t seem to do anything else other than that.

The drive to the rehab center is silent. It’s just Hanbin and I. I didn’t get to say goodbye to Hao because he wasn’t home. Yujin was stuck in his room and refused to come out to say goodbye, I think I scared him. I ruined him. Ricky didn’t come by either even though I did see him at the hospital. I think I scared him too.

There’s something lodged in my throat. I look out the window and at the trees passing us by before letting it out of my mouth, only to realize it’s a choked up sob. There’s tears rolling down my cheeks before I know it and I’m crying into my hand to muffle my sobs.

I really fucked up this time.

When Hanbin parks his car in front of the center I beg him not to let me go in there with tears in my eyes but he pulls and he pulls until I get lifted out of the passenger seat. When I finally get a good look at his face, I realize that he’s crying as well.

“Hanbin, please, just let me go home.” I plead, tears are slipping into my mouth and they taste disgusting. “I don’t want to be here, I just want to be at home.”

“No–Gyuvin–you have to go, I’m sorry but you have to.” Hanbin says. His voice sounds stern even when he’s crying, he really means it this time.

I roughly wipe my tears away with the sleeve on my sweater, It’s Ricky’s and I could cry all over again.

“Tell Yujin I’m sorry, and Hao, and Ricky. Tell them I’m sorry, okay?” Hanbin nods. “I’m so fucking sorry, Hanbin. I didn’t mean to.”

Hanbin just nods again and it sends me overboard.

“Say something! Please, say anything. Tell me you care, tell me you’ll miss me or something.”

Hanbin reaches his hand up to the back of my hand, he runs his fingers through my matted hair before leaving a kiss on the top of my head like he usually does when he says goodnight to me.

“I’ll see you in a few months, Gyuvin.”

June 30, 2020

I told them, I told everybody actually, that I didn’t want to fucking be here. Yet, no one listened to me.

So it’s not really a surprise when they found out that I ran away in the middle of the night again. But they should’ve listened to me when I said I didn’t need to be here. Rehab hasn’t helped me and I know that’s true because I’ve been there three times before and yet I always end up going back. Rehab is a hoax, posed as a care facility that’s supposed to help me stay sober for the rest of my life but it never happens, does it? Because I always end up fucking relapsing so what’s the point in actually going.

It’s bullshit, complete utter bullshit.

When the sun rises, I assume that they’ve already called Hanbin about my disappearance and knowing Hanbin he’s probably scrounging around the entire city trying to look for me. But if I’m being honest, I don’t really want to go home. I don’t want to go anywhere because I don’t belong anywhere.

I’m not a normal human being, I don’t think I was meant to be placed on Earth. I think I’m an alien, destined to be on a whole other planet.

Being at home with Hanbin and Yujin just doesn’t feel like home anymore. I feel like I’m pretending to be someone else whenever I’m there when this is who I really am. I’m nothing but a drug addict but everybody keeps pinning this image onto me that’s not me. No one wants to accept the fact that I’m an addict even though it’s a part of who I am.

Stealing money from tip jars was easy. Now I had a few bucks to spare me for food and what not. And if I got caught, I’d just run. There’s truly no one in this world who can stop me from what I want to do. I will always find a way and people fail to realize that.

I think maybe I get my stubbornness from Hanbin.

July 2, 2020

I find Matthew and I don’t kill him with my bare hands like I said I would because he pops a molly into my mouth and I forget about how he fucked me over. Apparently he got chased by the police that night so I guess I’ll let him off the hook.

He’s still staying in motels but it’s nice to at least have shelter because these past few days I’ve been sleeping on the sidewalks or any bench that isn’t already occupied by an addict.

“We should run away to Canada.” Matthew says, he’s tightening a belt around my bicep to cut off my circulation.

“What?” He wastes no time and injects the meth into my veins. I nearly lose my mind and I see so many colors that I can’t even name.

“Let’s run away to Canada, there’s nothing here for us, man.” I can’t really form any coherent thoughts but Matthew is older, therefore he’s wiser and knows what he’s talking about so I agree.

“Do you have a car?”

July 3, 2020

Me and Matthew walk around the side of the house that I used to call home. I peek inside a window and realize that no one's home even though there’s two cars in the driveway. One belonging to me. I figured that maybe they went out on a walk or something.

I struggle with the backdoor, jiggling with the door handle and throwing my body into the door to try and fucking open it.

Matthew notices my struggle and finds a stray brick laying around. He moves me out of the way before throwing the brick into the window of the door, causing glass to shatter everywhere before snaking his arm through the hole and unlocking the door. Easy enough.

I lead us inside since it’s my house. I have no motive to grab anything other than my car keys but I do take a few snacks for the road. I think Canada might be pretty far away, so it’s better to be safe than sorry.

“Gyuvin?”

Just as I was about to open the front door, I whipped my head around and found Hao with what looked like a bat in his hands. He must’ve thought I was a robber or something. I grab Matthew’s arm and dash out of the house, frantically getting into the car and pushing the key into the ignition.

Hao follows after me even if he’s clad in pajamas but I pull out of the driveway and press on the gas. I let out of sigh of relief knowing that we successfully got away until I see Hanbin’s fucking red car trailing behind us.

“Press on the fucking gas, Gyuvin!” Matthew yells, looking behind to see how close Hao is getting. I listen to his orders and press harder, we’re damn near going over 85.

He chased after me. It was something straight out of an action movie, seriously. He was just trailing behind me and I could dimly see his face through the windshield. He had that look of persistence that never failed to shake me to my core, he was determined to catch me and I knew he was. He was doing it for Hanbin, because that’s what Hanbin would’ve wanted.

I make a sharp corner into a wooded area but Hao still follows. So, I gained some courage and drove straight into the forest. That caused Hao to stop chasing after us and it’s a fucking miracle that I didn’t crash straight into the trunk of a tree.

Soon enough, we make it back onto the road with no one trailing behind us. Me and Matthew laugh at the adrenaline that coursed through our veins.

I’m just glad we made it out alive.

July 10, 2020

It takes longer than I thought to drive to Canada. I thought it was only going to take a few hours but it’s taking days. We might be lost though.

“You took the wrong fucking turn, Gyuvin.”

I roll my eyes, my grip tightening on the steering wheel. Matthew’s nagging was annoying. “How would you know? Are you a human GPS or something?”

“Did you even read the sign? That exit would’ve taken us straight to British Columbia, are you fucking dumb?” I abruptly pull over to the side of the highway and unbuckle my seatbelt.

“You drive then since you think you know everything.”

We switch spots and the rest of the car ride is silent because I’m mad at him.

It’s dark outside when we pull over again. I thought Matthew needed a minute of shut eye but he wraps a belt around his bicep and reaches over into the glove compartment, pulling out a box that contains a bag of crystal meth, a broken spoon and a few needles.

“You got a lighter?” I always do. It’s still the one that I have from Ricky’s house. I wonder how he’s doing. I wonder if he found someone new.

Matthew presses the needle into his arm and injects the meth into his veins before I quickly do the same because it’s not fair if only he gets to shoot up.

Once I made the first push, I spasm and I thought I was going to overdose again but pure ecstasy just washes over my body and I just feel so good. This is what I really needed today. If I had known Matthew stashed this in the glove compartment, I would’ve done it sooner.

Before I know it, Matthew is clambering over the center console with his hands on my face and I’m kissing him. Or he’s kissing me, I don’t know but I eventually end up kissing back. I really hope Ricky ended up finding someone else to fall in love with so everything evens out. Because as bad as this is, it does nothing but multiply the feeling of pure bliss flowing through the body.

It gets out of hand quickly but I didn’t stop because it felt dizzying and felt so good. I was meant to feel this, I know I was.

When we finish, Matthew gets into the driver seat, fixing himself up even though there’s no one else to be looking good for except me. He pops a molly that I didn’t even know he had before starting the car up again and pressing on the gas.

“You’re going really fast, Matt, I think you should slow down.” I mumble.

“We’re on the highway, we’re supposed to go fast.” He replies, he doesn’t spare me a glance but there’s no thought behind his eyes.

“I know but still, you should slow down–”

“Can you just shut the fuck up and let me drive? Jesus christ all you do is whine and complain, do you know how to just sit there and be quiet. Go fucking pop a pill for all I care, just shut up–”

There’s headlights flashing in front of my face in the middle of Matthew’s escapade and I scream his name which causes him to swerve off the road and straight into the ditch.

The crash completely totals the front of my car and there’s already smoke coming from the engine. I look over to the drivers side and Matthew is either knocked unconscious or fucking dead with his head on the steering wheel. There’s blood rolling down from his temple down his cheek and he’s really starting to look like he’s dead.

My body aches as I force the passenger door open, smoke getting into my lungs as I cough and heave. I clamber out of the car and run before the car catches on fire and explodes or something.

I fell asleep in the meadow that night. It was peaceful.

July 14, 2020

It takes me days of walking along the highway to even find a small town. But I saw a gas station up ahead and asked to use their phone. The employee was staring at me like he was scared, I must’ve had a scratch on my face from the crash. He let me have the phone anyway, probably thought I was going to hurt him if he didn’t. I was considering it.

It takes about three rings before Hanbin picks up.

“Hello?” He doesn’t sound tired or anything of those sorts, he just sounds like regular Hanbin. That kind of itches me in the wrong way.

“Hanbin, it’s me, Gyuvin.” The other side went silent so I used that as permission to continue talking. “I need you to come and get me. I wanna come home and I’m sorry for everything. Apologizing won’t make any of it up but I really want to get better. Please, I want to get better for you, and for Yujin, Ricky, and Hao. Can you please come take me home.”

There’s a sigh on the other line and I clutch the phone tight in my hands. “I can’t, Gyuvin.”

I gulp and there’s already tears pricking in my eyes, there’s a sob lodged in my throat and I’m scared to let it out. “No–please, Hanbin. Please, I need you and I want to come home. I’m sorry I’ll get better but I just don’t want to go to fucking rehab, please, Hanbin. Please help me.”

“Gyuvin, I can’t. I can’t help you, I’m sorry. I want to, but I just can’t.” Hanbin says, there’s no sadness laced in his voice. He’s stern and that’s how I know he means it. “I’m not going to bring you home, do you even know where you are, Gyuvin?”

I stay silent. I could ask the employee but even if I found out where I was, I don’t think Hanbin would come and get me.

“Listen, Gyuvin, get some help. Call your sponsor or something, you need to stop and get some help.” The sob that was stuck in my throat finally comes out and I’m close to throwing the phone against the wall in anger. “I can’t help you anymore and you know that better than I do.”

“Please, Hanbin, please. No–please don’t say that. I need you, I need you to bring me home–”

“Gyuvin, I love you, I really do. But I can’t.”

I sniffle and sob into the phone, I’m leaning against the wall of the gas station before sliding down it and sitting down on the ground with my knees curled up to my chest. I feel like a lost cause.

“I love you too, Hanbin.”

July 15, 2020

Hanbin wasn’t giving up on me. I think Hao’s words just finally got into his thick skull and he accepted the fact that he couldn’t save me. Damn you, Hao. I really wanted to go home but I know Hanbin did it for his own sake, and for Yujin’s, so I can’t be mad. I’ll never be mad because this was a choice I made and now I’m just facing the consequences.

He didn’t leave me to fend for myself just because he felt like it. It’s because he knew he could no longer save someone who he thought he could. When Hanbin told me that he wasn’t going to pick me up, that I needed to call my sponsor and get help, I knew that I was going to have to take matters into my own hands. I knew that if I truly wanted to stop and to get better, I had to do it for myself and not for other people.

September 23, 2021

When I see Ricky again he looks different, he changed a lot over this past year. But I suppose I changed a lot too.

He’s walking down the street, hand-in-hand with another man and I kind of already put two and two together once we locked eyes. He says a few words to the man beside him before walking their separate ways. Ricky walks up to me.

“Hey.” Ricky says, there’s a small smile on his face. “You look good.”

Ricky still makes me shy like he always did all those years ago back in high school. I guess we’re not technically together anymore, probably haven’t been for a while but I’d like to say that we’re still high school sweethearts even if Ricky doesn’t have the sweets for me anymore.

“Yeah, you do too.”

He smiles more at that. “Let’s talk?”

We settled in the inside of a coffee shop. Ricky has a cup of coffee with hundreds of cream in it while I sit with my hands empty.

“How’ve you been?” I ask to ease the silence that we fell into.

Ricky sets his coffee cup down and I think I fall in love all over again. I don’t think I’d be able to find someone like Ricky, no one will ever treat me as well as he did. He put up with me for years, he put up with all of my aggression and lies. I hope he has found his self-worth.

“Good, I graduated this summer. Visual arts.” He says and I nod.

“Yeah, that’s right, I didn’t. Dropped out.” I say as if it isn’t obvious. Ricky laughs though so it was worth it, I like seeing him smile. I haven’t seen him smile in a long time and I think it was because of me.

“That your boyfriend?” I ask, referring to the man he was holding hands with earlier. He’s nowhere near our vicinity so I have a feeling he must’ve gone somewhere else to give Ricky and I some alone time, what a great guy.

“Yeah, Jeonghyeon.” He says and I notice the way he all but lights up at just saying his name. “I met him in my third year of college.”

I nod, there’s bitterness churning in my stomach but also happiness. “Do you love him?”

Ricky holds onto his coffee cup tighter before drinking the rest of its contents. He fails to make eye contact with me but it’s okay. “Yeah, I love him a lot. He treats me well.”

I smile and nod some more, I guess I just don’t really know what else to say. I think I’m just happy that Ricky was able to find someone better than me, someone who can show him what love really is. That love doesn’t have to include a meth addict. That love can feel good, make you feel happy, make you realize your self-worth.

“I’m sorry, Gyuvin. For leaving you at your lowest.” Ricky says. His voice cracks at the end of his sentence, when I look up at him I can see a layer of gloss shine over his eyes. I have half the mind to reach over the table and hold his hand but I stop mid-way. I don’t really know if I’m allowed to do that, considering our history. But Ricky reaches over and lets our fingers intertwine like it’s second nature.

“What are you talking about? Why are you apologizing?” I furrow my eyebrows and run my thumb over his knuckles. Ricky wipes at his eyes before any tears fall. He’s so pretty.

“Because, I should’ve helped you instead of leaving and finding someone else.” Ricky cries. It breaks my heart. “I should’ve stayed, I should’ve done more.”

“Ricky, you deserve more than me. You know that, right?” Ricky still isn’t looking at me but I’m looking at him because I want him to know that I’m not lying. That I don’t lie anymore and I only tell the truth. He shakes his head and I frown. “You did what was best for you. I would’ve killed you, Ricky. I wasn’t good for you.”

He just shakes his head even more with his head hung down low. He’s crying a lot more now because there’s small whimpers slipping past his lips. I hold his hand tighter.

“You wouldn’t have been able to save me, Ricky. Not even Hanbin could.” I can feel myself choking up as well. “I had to save myself, you could’ve tried your absolute hardest to help me get better but I wouldn’t have been able to unless I took matters into my own hands.”

I want him to look at me. I want him to know that I mean it.

“It’s not your fault, Ricky.”

Ricky squeezes my hand and that tells me that he’s listening, that he’s hearing me.

“I’m still in love with you, I think I always will be.” A tear rolls down my cheek. “But it’s okay if you don’t love me anymore. It’s okay that you moved on because I hurt you, Ricky. I hurt you really bad and I’m so sorry. No amount of apologies can fix the things that I did to you but it wasn’t your fault.”

He finally picks his head up to look at me. He’s red in the face with puffy eyes and tears still falling but he still looks beautiful.

“I never stopped loving you, Gyuvin.”

December 31, 2021

If you would’ve told me when I was sixteen that I would no longer be addicted to meth, he would’ve laughed in your face and said you were lying. That meth was life. Hell, if you asked me a year ago he probably would’ve said the same thing. But now I’m clean and I know that there is more to life than drugs.

My parents' death ruined me in a lot more ways than one. It ruined not only me but the people around me and my relationships. But it took a long time for me to realize that I shouldn’t have just given up, that I had the potential to power through and come back stronger and that’s exactly what I did. I can say that I did it for Hanbin or I did it for Ricky when in reality I did it for myself because that’s what matters the most.

It’s going to be a new year in ten minutes or so. It’s another year that I’ve lived and didn’t end up overdosing. I celebrate another year that I pushed through and did what was right for me.

Because I didn’t give up, I can still play soccer with Yujin. Maybe not as often because he’s off to college to play soccer professionally. I can still get kisses on the forehead from Hanbin whenever he tucks me in for bed because sometimes my own apartment gets too lonely and I want to be back home. I can still see Ricky from time to time as well. We’re friends now and we talk a lot more regularly than when we were dating. I met his boyfriend, Jeonghyeon, too and he’s a really great guy. I’m really happy for both of them because I can tell that Ricky’s smile is genuine when he’s around him.

Jiwoong is no longer my sponsor but we still talk a lot. He’s one of my very close friends. We go on walks and he takes me out to lunch. There’s nothing in this world that I could do to show him just how much I appreciate him.

I’m now a sponsor myself. I’ve met some pretty amazing and inspiring people. People who are much like myself, pushing through despite the struggles of addiction. Being a meth addict isn’t who I am, I’m a lot more than a drug abuser but it’s also an important part of my life even if it was probably the worst part. It made me who I am today. Someone who’s courageous and strong.

A lot has changed and dare I say for the better. I spent years seeking closure and for someone to be proud of me when I should’ve been confiding in those feelings in myself. I’m proud of myself, it doesn’t matter if other people aren’t because I am. I’m standing here today with a party horn in my hand, counting down the seconds until the year is over. Yujin and Hao are counting out loud while Hanbin is watching them and laughing, recording the moment on his phone.

Once the clock strikes midnight we all cheer and blow our party horns. Yujin somehow got hold of a small confetti cannon and now there’s golden confetti pieces all over the living room but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Hanbin comes over to me and puts his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close before kissing the top of my head.

“Happy New Year, Gyuvin. I’m proud of you.”

If you would’ve told me that my world wouldn’t end when my parents died, I would’ve called you a liar but my world didn’t end when I was sixteen and it will never end. I will always continue to live on.