Chapter Text
The office was quiet, only the light sounds of cars passing outside on the streets below filled the lukewarm air of the ADA office building. The scent of coffee filled the air from the shop down on the bottom floor of the complex. Atsushi and Kunikida had decided to stay a little after everyone else left, leaving them in the evening glow of the setting sun which trickled through the window, leaving the colors like that of an old vintage photo or sunflower petals in a cup of tea.
“Hey… Kunikida San?” Atsushi leaned forward on his hands with narrow eyes, worry pulling at his lips into a pursed frown. The sunlight shone from outside of the office onto his colleague’s face and long blond hair which he pushed out of his face with a free hand.
Kunikida let out a weary sigh, looking up from the papers he was holding, his gaze narrow as if scrutinizing every detail of the weretiger. “Yes, Atsushi?” His voice held authority, just as it always did.
Atsushi looked away, quiet for a moment before speaking with an air of curiosity. “When you and Dazai San first found me… You called me a man-eating tiger.”
The older colleague narrowed his gaze further, placing his papers down to fix his glasses with a fingertip. “Yes, that is what the reports called you.” He verified with a rougher voice. “Why do you bring it up?”
Atsushi’s eyes fixated on the wood of the desk, gaze narrowing with worry. “… Did… Did I hurt anyone?” The voice cut through the air like a slice of metal through skin: clean, and filled with the kind of worry before the pain set in.
His colleague was quiet, silent for a moment as the glare of his glasses left his gaze lost behind mystery. Atsushi could see him tense before speaking, “Atsushi.” He began slowly, considering every word carefully. “You aren’t a bad person.”
Atsushi’s gaze widened slowly as his gaze met Kunikida’s. “… What are you saying?” His voice quivered, slow and dripping with worry, a slowly creeping terror like a centipede wriggling under your clothes, closer and closer to your terror ridden face.
Kunikida leaned onto his hands, taking a deep breath. “… Atsushi San, people went missing in those two weeks… In quick succession.” He spoke slowly, keeping his gaze on the table and away from Atsushi’s gaze. “People attributed it to the tiger, but that was mere coincidence; there was no solid evidence.” He looked to Atsushi, trying to reassure the boy. “There was no evidence.” The idealist repeated, looking into Atsushi’s eyes.
Atsushi could feel his body shaking, swallowing a dry throat before nodding quickly. “Yes… coincidence…”
Kunikida took a sigh. The idealist couldn’t tell if it was out of pity, weariness, or relief that he didn’t have to tell Atsushi everything. The gore filled details of entrails and flesh held in teeth, of claws tearing through sinew, spraying ichor on brick walls. The reports were detailed to the last drop of innocent blood. Though, a part of his gut, the part that made his hands tense up and grip onto eachother, told him that Atsushi didn’t believe him. There was still a seed of doubt in the boy’s head, one that would grow into a full belief. Dazai had told him all about how distraught Atsushi was after realizing he had killed a man with his claws… how bad would it be if Atsushi realized that he had fed on innocent civilians in the slumber of a great beast he couldn’t control? The thought admittedly pained Kunikida, the kind of pain that you could feel in your heart and chest.
The office was quiet. Given that they were the only two there, it stayed that way for a while, though Kunikida could see the fear in Atsushi’s eyes. “Atsushi, you have to believe me.” Kunikida snapped him out of his trance, the boy looking at him with widened eyes of fear that crept in his mind like sprawling roots. “You can’t blame yourself for things you can’t control, and that includes the beast. All you can do is train it.” He reassured, his voice certain and unwavering.
The weretiger took a shaky breath, his heart racing in his chest like the marathon in his head was tracking onto his heart rate and blood pressure. “… R-Right…” Atsushi stammered out, his hands grasping his arms in a hug. All he could do was look at the edge of the table, body trembling with anxiety.
Kunikida knew he couldn’t get through to him with just words, he knew that the boy would still have that doubt, no matter how much Kunikida tried to force it away. He sighed and got up, his chair sliding across the floor below roughly. With silence, he walked around the table, past Dazai’s chair, and to Atsushi.
The weretiger looked up at the taller man who trained him in physical combat, eyes still distant. It was only when he felt arms around him and a chin on his shoulder that the warmth fell over him. Atsushi took a moment before relaxing into Kunikida’s embrace, wrapping his arms around his back. He took in the scent of the older man’s coffee tinted clothes, the softness of his vest right against his nose.
His thoughts still filled to the brim with worry, each second, the thoughts multiplying like rabbits in his head. Did Atsushi bite someone? Right here, the shoulder, teeth cracking the shoulder blade in a swift bite. He could almost remember it, but it was like remembering a nightmare that couldn’t stay with you. Was it just his imagination? Or were those thoughts and memories real?
Atsushi buried his face into Kunikida’s shoulder, trembling. The thought made him feel like all the wind was knocked out of him, like an 8 ball was resting in his diaphragm right below his lungs.
He gripped Kunikida’s back, making the taller man sigh, eyes closing with soothing strokes on his back. “Easy…”
“I-I…” Atsushi stammered, voice cracking with the pain in his nose and eyes. “I can’t…” The tears stained the vest as he choked on mucus, closing his eyes hard. No matter how much he cried, he couldn’t get the visions of blood and sinew out of his head. “What if- what if I killed someone-? Someone innocent? What-….” Atsushi bit his bottom lip trying to get his mind off of it, but he couldn’t do anything to fix it. Even if the skin under his teeth bled, it’d just remind him of the monster.
Kunikida pulled away and looked at Atsushi with eyes that analyzed every last bit of the weretiger’s reddened cheeks and tear filled eyes.
“What if I ate someone? A-And that’s the only reason I-I survived? J-Just- when I could’ve stolen- fought- I-I- I didn’t have to kill anyone-“
As Atsushi rambled and sobbed, his hands gripping at Kunikida’s vest like his only way to stay grounded, Kunikida’s heart tugged with a fatherly pain. The kind you feel when your child is suffering and you have to do something about it. Kunikida’s hands moved up his shoulders to his face, cupping his cheeks. “Look at me, Atsushi.” The taller man spoke with authority, his lips pursed. “Look at me.”
The smaller boy’s trembling hands moved to Kunikida’s, his teary eyes looking into the other’s with pain and sorrow, mouth open for breath. His teary eyes just kept crying and crying, small, choked sobs leaving his throat.
“You couldn’t control it. It was a beast.” Kunikida spoke roughly, staring into his gaze with determination. “You aren’t to blame. You didn’t trade your life, you weren’t even aware of what was happening, and I applaud you for never stealing or harming another person to feed yourself-“
“But I killed someone!”
The yell made Kunikida pause, a sinking feeling in his gut forming. That painful yell, like an injured animal made his entire body almost tremble and go numb. Atsushi was one of the kindest people he knew, and he never thought he’d hear him so… primal, scared, and afraid.
Atsushi gripped Kunikida’s vest with his forehead pressed against his colleague’s chest. “I-I killed someone- I-I remember it- b-but- I.. I can’t tell what’s real in my memories- I can’t tell if I’m not me, j-just the beast that killed and ate innocent people to survive-!” He sobbed as he yelled with an anguish equivalent to getting stabbed in the chest. “I’m not some animal that has to kill to survive! I’m a fucking human being!”
The sobs filled the silent office space, Kunikida wrapping his arms around the boy and holding him. “…” He couldn’t say anything, what was he supposed to say? “… Atsushi… You followed your instincts.. animals can’t be held to the same good and evil that we can.” Kunikida’s hands stroked his friend’s scalp, the white hair curling around his strong fingers. “It was a beast, and you couldn’t control it, you shouldn’t be blamed for it.”
Atsushi let out a shivering breath, his grip tightening as he bit back a thousand words that he knew were wrong. Despite him knowing that he wasn’t to be blamed, his gut kept yelling at him, every thought screaming at him that he was wrong, that he was a disgusting monster that needed to be put down. “… y-you should’ve let me get executed…” He murmured shakily, taking a deep, trembling breath.
“Don’t say that.” Kunikida spoke quickly, narrowing his gaze at the younger man. “You’ve made this detective agency what it is. You’ve helped us succeed. If you had died, we would be helping rebuild half of Yokohama after The Guild dropped their airship onto the city.” He spoke harshly, a growl under his words. “We aren’t there because you helped direct it into the ocean. And don’t you dare tell me you could have been replaced, you were the only one who could pull off that feat.” Kunikida grabbed his chin and pulled his face up so the weretiger would look at him. “Now tell me, is it a mistake that we dragged your ass into the agency and followed Dazai San’s judgment of you?”
Atsushi looked up at him, tears dripping down his cheeks. He gave a soft whine of a sigh before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. Softly, he looked up at Kunikida, eyes still lightly watery. “N-No…”
“And why?”
“C-Cause… I-I helped out a lot…”
Kunikida nodded and sighed, “Good.” He quickly embraced Atsushi, squeezing him like a father to their child after they came back from hell. “Now don’t blame yourself… never do. Because without you, we all would be gravely injured or in disrepair.”
Atsushi softly hugged him back, closing his eyes softly, feeling his body relax and tears slow.
“We all care about you, no matter how monsterous your past.
Every last one of us.”
🎶🎵🎶
When Kyouka opened her eyes, she heard water running. She gently reached up to rub her eyes, sitting up in her futon. Her hands rested in her lap as she looked to the side to the closet Atsushi slept in. Open and Empty. Her gaze narrowed as she rose to her feet, shuffling out of the blanket and looking to where the sound was coming from. Her soft, bare footsteps filled the air as she walked to the door of the room. With a soft push, the sliding door opened to the little kitchen her and Atsushi shared.
“Atsushi?” Kyouka’s monotone voice echoed through the room as she spotted him over the sink, water dribbling down his chin and staining his clothes and tie. His hands held onto the edges of the sink, his gaze shaky as he looked at her.
Atsushi just stared for a moment before a small smile came to his lips, forced on, but certainly there. “A-Ah- did I wake you-?”
She ignored the question and tilted her head, “What are you doing?” The little girl inquired curiously.
“Ah- um…” Atsushi chuckled and softly rubbed the back of his head with a wet hand, “I’m just cleaning my mouth, that’s all.”
Kyouka stared at him for a moment, leading him to blink a few times.
She stared.
And stared.
“I don’t believe you.” Kyouka spoke with protectiveness, gaze narrow at him.
Atsushi sighed, “K-Kyouka Chan… really, I’m just cleaning my mouth…”
She stared at him before sighing. “Fine.” Kyouka murmured in her usual tone before yawning, hand resting over her mouth.
“Ah- I must have woken you up with all the noise… I’m sorry.” Atsushi sighed, looking a bit defeated. “I’ve just… had a bit of a day is all.” He looked down at the water dripping from the faucet into the little pool at the bottom of the sink. How else were you supposed to explain that you had just realized you committed cannibalism?
Kyouka took a moment before walking up to her friend, wrapping her arms around him. It didn’t have a lot of feeling in it, but she meant well, and that made Atsushi’s lips tug up.
Atsushi pushed every single horrible thought down in his brain and he placed a hand on her head, fingers curling around the black strands of long hair. “Kyouka Chan- you’re gonna get wet if you hug me too much..” He chuckled softly, smiling weakly at the little girl who was nuzzling into his drenched chest.
“But you need a hug.” Kyouka spoke defiantly.
“And you need sleep- don’t you?” Atsushi spoke awkwardly, sighing lightly.
Kyouka sighed, “Only if you go to bed too.” She bargained with more defiance, looking up at the weretiger.
Atsushi took a moment before sighing. “Alright alright… you win.” He spoke softly with a small smile. “Let me at least change and dry off, okay?”
“Okay.” Kyouka nodded and let go of him, turning around and walking out of the little kitchen, closing the sliding door shut with a soft look at the tiger.
Atsushi took a moment before sighing, staring at the faucet.
One more rinse for good measure.