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Walking into those dark concrete hallways was always unpleasant. The loud noises, the popular girls made convinced they’re hot shit. The ever present smell of weed and vapes. It was hell, at least for me, a pretentious teenager with no clue what to do with his life trying to hiding from everyone. I never had many friends and whenever I did I would drive them away. However I did have my best friend who also happened to be my boyfriend Zero. Most of my time was spent with him or alone in the shed behind my house trying to escape my mother. Eventually I had to accept that this is the way it would have to be. Oh I haven't introduced myself, I’m Remi and due to unfortunate circumstances I am now dead.
April 7th 2023, and spring break was over thank god, I don't know how much longer i could handle my mother and the different men she had over every night. My father had left 2 years ago causing my brother to kill himself and my mother to become a whore. As I walked into the all too familiar landscape of the prison they called a school, I heard all the usual insults and gossip. ‘Oh she is so weird’ ‘I bet she cuts herself’ ‘OMG do you see her she looks like shit’. After my brother killed himself my mother decided to move us to middle of nowhere Arkansas to ‘reconnect with God’ or whatever bullshit. I really think she just moved us here to torture me, I wouldn’t be surprised. Getting to class was a bitch, navigating through the crowds of people trying to avoid Ref and his band of goons. I always seemed to be unsuccessful though, “Hey tranny how's it going,”
“Fuck off Ref”
“Well no need to get so defensive about it” He just loved to pull that line. I rolled my eyes and tried to push past him as I saw Zero on the other end of the hallway.
“Hey hey hey hold on there where do you think you're going I have something for you” That was my sign to keep walking and not stop till I got to class. So I pushed past him and did just that.
Zero followed me talking as we walked “He is such an ass hole”
“Yeah believe me I know”
“Anyways you wanna come over after school?,”
I couldn't help but smile “Is that even a question? Yes I most definitely do. I haven't seen you in like a week!”
“I know it was like torture but I am so glad we get to hang out now” Zero is so cute when he gets excited. Our conversation was cut short by the bell.
“FUCK im gonna be late, see ya” I yelled as I raced across the hallway. Zero said something in response but I couldn't make it out. The mornings seemed to last forever; always a blur of pens scratching and keyboards clicking. By the time the lunch bell rang I already wanted to give up. As I walked through the crowded hallways I spotted Zero and I called out to him “Hey Zee”
He looked over at me with his gorgeous brown eyes, “Hey Rem,” I can't even lie; I loved it when he called me Rem. It brought a smile to my face every time I heard it. “Any clue what you want to do when you come over” of course I had an idea. Not like I would ever tell him that though.
“Well maybe we could watch a movie and I got some weed from my aunt. We could do that, only if you're comfortable with that " Zero smiled, I swear that smile was my whole reason to being. The end of lunch bell interrupted our conversation.
“That sounds great” with that he gave me a kiss on the nose and walked off to his next class. Thankfully the rest of the day went by without a complication. As I walked away from that concrete dungeon hand in hand with Zero I swear the air became lighter. “Oh my god you know what I just remembered” he had that certain glint in his eye. I always called it excitement but it was quite mischievous.
“What’d you remember”
“I learned a new guitar riff and I cannot wait to show it to you” The rest of the walk to Zeros house was peaceful. We took the longer route through the forest finding cool rocks and sticks as we walked. The second I walked in through the front door of Zero’s house I could smell something boiling on the stove and I could hear the peaceful chatter coming from the kitchen. “Hey mom i’m home and I brought Remi with me”
She came rushing out of the kitchen drying her hands with a towel, her long brown hair in a messy bun above her head “Hey sweetie, Hi Remi how was your day”
“Meh school was boring but whatever, whatcha cookin?”
“Curry! How about you Remi? How was your day?
“It was great Ms. Sumner thanks for asking, and thank you for having me over”
“Oh come on Remi you know we love having you around, alright you boys go have fun now I'll call you when dinner is ready”
“Thanks mom” And with that we rushed down the hallway to Zero’s room. I was met with the familiar LED lights blaring a green light onto the room. The gray walls lined with music posters and a drumset in the corner.
“Any idea what you want to watch tonight”
“Hmm maybe a space movie” I couldn’t help but appreciate it especially considering Zero didn't care about space even in the slightest .
“Really?”
“Why not but we’re gonna watch school of rock after”
“Fine” Something he would never know is how much I actually enjoyed school of rock. “Okay I think we should start the movie after dinner because I dont wanna have to pause it. Wanna play a game in the meantime? Maybe Mario kart?”
“Oh you are going down”
“We’ll see about that” And just as I suspected I won every game we played.
“Jesus Rem you never fail to impress me with how good you are at this”
“I fucking told you”
“Oh my god you little asshole”
“Hey hey hey we use nice words in this house”
“Oh do we?” and just like that i was being tackled by my boyfriend who happened to be about 10 pounds heavier than I am making it extremely hard to fight back. I couldn't stop giggling. He grabbed my arms and I rolled taking him with me, next thing I knew he was on top of me.
“Why are you so strong” I whined
“I’m not strong, you're just small” we both stopped to catch our breath and he leaned in to kiss me.
Suddenly Zero’s mom yelled down the hallway “Boys dinner is ready come eat while its still hot”
“Ok be there in a sec” Zero yelled back as we both started laughing and he rolled off of me “Alright Rem let's go eat”
“Alright alright I’m coming” We walked together down the hallway into the kitchen the smell of curry overtaking my senses. Zero’s mom was always an amazing cook making some of the best food i’d ever eaten. So imagine my surprise when Zero ate very little much less than he usually does. His parents didn’t seem concerned so I shrugged it off.
Once we returned to his room we turned on one of my favorite movies The space race even though it has many inaccuracies it's still a great movie. At least I think so Zero doesn't seem convinced. I cuddled up to Zero’s side laying my head on his shoulder, his arm around me. As the movie started the theme song I had memorized played through the speakers. About half way through the movie was my least favorite part, during the launch of the rocket.
“Ugh It's so bad, I don’t know why they made this so inaccurate. LIKE NO YOU CAN'T STAND UP WHILE THE DAMN ROCKET IS LAUCHING FOR FUCKS SAKE. Then you look at the launching procedure and like it's all wrong,” I mumbled for probably another minute until Zero pressed a soft kiss to my mouth. “Uhm what was that''
“A kiss, you're so cute when you talk like that I couldn’t resist” He was whispering as he leaned in to kiss me again. This time I kissed him back, his soft lips against mine. He pulled me onto his lap and I straddled him. My hands getting lost in his hair, his hands finding the sides of my face. My hands slowly started moving down his body listening for sounds of approval as I worked by way down. Really hating the texture of the binder under his shirt. Once my hands made their way down to his thighs I could feel lines poking up from the skin underneath his pants. I pulled away from him with a questioning look on my face? “What's wrong Rem?”
“Zero, what are those bumps on your thighs?” He turned white and looked at the ground, or what would have been the ground if I wasn’t on his lap.
“I uhm they’re uh” he was stuttering and tripping over his words “I mean uhm” I grabbed his face and looked into his eyes where tears were forming.
“Zero, baby, please what are the bumps?” I tried my very hardest to sound comforting and to be comforting but I don't think it worked well, I was never good at comforting people.
“I uh” he let out a sigh as he rested his head on my shoulder “They’re cuts” at this Apoint I could feel the shame coming from him. Ashamed of what he did to himself “I’m sorry” I wrapped my arms around him as he started to cry
“It’s okay Zero everything will be okay” I grabbed him by the face and looked at him in those gorgeous brown eyes. “Do you wanna lay down?” he nodded and I guided him over to his bed, grabbing his stuffed animal and weighted blanket on the way. We laid there for a few minutes, my hands tracing circles on his back while he buried his face into my front. “Zero may I ask you something” He sat up as I talked, bringing the blanket closer to his face.
“Do I have to answer what you ask”
“Of course not, you never have to tell me anything your not comfortable telling me”
“Then sure”
“Okay, Are you starving yourself? Because at dinner I noticed you are eating alot less than you usually do so,”
At that he slightly smiled “No”
“Then care to explain why you didn’t eat much?”
“I just don’t like curry”
“Okay fair enough, I have one more question”
“Go ahead”
“Why didn’t you talk to me?”
He signed and brought the blanket just below his mouth. “I thought you would judge me, or you would be disgusted by me, or not want to be around me, and I-I couldn’t let that happen”
“Oh Zero,” I pulled him into a hug, his head buried in my neck, “I would never judge you and I would never be disgusted by you. Everything will be okay I promise” I gave him a kiss on the forehead “Now what can I do to cheer you up? I hate seeing you like this”
“I don’t know”
“How about we cuddle and listen to music, I made a new playlist” he smiled and nodded while cuddling back into my side. I started the playlist and it played Zero’s favorite song.
“Oh my gosh, I love this song” he looked up at me smiling
“Well yeah, why do you think I put it on the playlist hmm” he giggled and gave me a soft kiss. The minutes ticked by as sleep began to overcome us. Zero was the first to fall snuggled into my side. Soon after I fell asleep.
The morning came in a flash of light, Zero still snuggled into my side. I turned on my phone and looked at the time, it was already 12:30. There was no use going to school now. Zero stirred and woke up. “Umgh what time is it?”
“Oh good morning, or afternoon I guess it's 12:30”
“Oh shit” He was so adorable with his bed head and eyeliner underneath his eyes. “I don't wanna go to school, do you have anything important happening today? Do you have a shift?”
“Nope, Why?”
“Because we should ditch school and go exploring, maybe we can smoke that weed you have considering we forgot to last night,”
“Uhm hell yes we will be doing that” he giggled and tried to stand up. Only to fall off the edge of the bed. “Oh my god Zee, are you okay?”
“Yep i’m fine” He stood up and continued towards his closet. “Oh yeah, what's today?”
“Wednesday the 8th, why?”
“Hmm that's what I feared, it’s binder break day. Plus we slept in our binders and I don't know about you but my sides hurt” I had to admit my sides did hurt.
“I don't want to take it off, I hate having it on but I hate it even more when its off”
“Remi,” He looked at me with a look that said he is serious “You need to take it off,”
“Ugh, fine but it is extremely hard to get off” And was therefore extremely embarrassing to take off.
“You can go change in the bathroom” He replied as he tossed me some clothes. Some stuff I had previously left here, A pair of pants and an oversized t-shirt. I walked into the bathroom and changed with little complication. “Alright, Zero you ready to go?” I called for him as I packed my bag, weed, lighter, snacks, water, sweatshirt, a blanket and a gift for Zero.
“Yep” He yelled back as he walked out into the hallway with a bag of his own. His fluffy bleached blonde hair bouncing as he walked, “Lets go”. The walk to the woods was peaceful, we were walking to the falls behind town. No one ever came into this forest as there were rumors of bears, but I had been coming here the entire time I've lived here and never encountered one.
As we reached the falls we sat on the log that goes over the small creek, careful not to fall in. The gorgeous trees towering over us and so many bugs. “It's so gorgeous”
Zero replied “It really is” I looked over at him and he was looking at me as opposed to the scene around us. I leaned in and gave him a kiss smiling like an idiot. “Oh yeah, I think I wanna dye my hair”
“Oh? What color are you thinking?”
“I'm not sure, pink maybe”
“Ohh that would look so good, If you go pink maybe I should go green” My hair has been dyed for as long as I can remember however it is currently black.
“We most definitely should do that”
“Oh yeah! I brought you a present” I pulled a bracelet out of my bag, it was pink and black beads surrounding a star charm. “Here you go, I made it for you and I made one for me but mine is green and black” I pulled up my sleeve to show Zero the bracelet.
“Oh my god, I love it” He smiled and put it on his wrist “Thank you Rem” now I was the one smiling.
“Alright, you wanna smoke?”
“Hell yeah” Smoking was always a risky game. I could either end up havin spilled everything about my life and then ending up wanting to kill myself. Or I could end up being a numb bitch and end up wanting to kill myself. I opened up my bag and the smell of weed filled both of our senses. “Whoa” I coughed slightly and pulled out two joints and the lighter handing one joint to Zero “Here you go”
“Why thank you kind sir” I lit up both of our joints and we sat there for I don't even know how long. “Oh shit Rem it's getting dark we better head back”
“Oh fuck your right, lets go,” We walked back to Zero’s house the high coming down. “Hey, have you ever thought about how long we are gonna last?”
“Not really, I hope it's a long time though”
I always had my doubts when he told me that “But why though?”
He looked at me with a smile “Because I love you” I could feel the blood rushing to my face. We had never said I love you before.
“Well, what if I told you I love you too” He made me so happy I couldn’t believe it. He leaned in to kiss me. The kiss was infused with passion and happiness.
“Want to celebrate when we get back?” He had a devilish smirk on his face, that I must admit was pretty hot. We made it to Zero’s house with no compilation (I couldn’t stop thinking about what he said and how he said it but whatever) and went back to his room. He kissed me with passion I didn't know he had, I reciprocated that passion as best I could. He kissed down my jaw, kissing his way down to my neck. He bit down on my neck rather hard and I let out a noise I didn’t know I could make, Zero smirked against my neck.
I pulled at the bottom of his shirt, “May I?”
He pulled away, catching his breath, nodding in approval. I pulled his shirt over his head and he did the same for me. “What if your parents hear?”
“My mom has the night shift tonight and my dad is at his friends house watching football, so we are all alone” his hands moved up my torso and rested on my cheek I couldn’t see myself but in that moment I know I turned red, like a fucking tomato. We had seen eachother in this state before but we had never been truly alone, Zero’s parents were always home.
Suddenly there was a loud bang at the front door, “Hole on Rem i'll go check” he got up and put a shirt on and I did the same. There was talking coming from the other side of the door. It seemed that Zero’s dad had decided to come home early, and he brought all of his friends with him.
Mr. Sumnter called out to us “Hey Zero can you open the door I forgot my key”
Zero walked over and unlocked the door letting the men in. “May I ask why you are back so early I thought you would be gone for a while?”
“Carls wife kicked us out said we were being too rowdy, so we decided to come back here”
“Hmm that makes sense, well me and Remi are gonna be in my room if you need us”
“Alright buddy have fun”
Me and zero made our way back to his room. Zero had said something but I wasn’t paying attention till he waved his hand in front of my face “Hello? Remi? Are you there?”
“Huh yeah sorry what did you say?”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah I'm just fine I just got distracted for a minute” I gave him a smile.
“Alright, I was asking what you want to do?”
“Uhm I don't know, maybe just like listen to music and cuddle , I'm really tired” Zero gave me a kiss and pulled me over to the bed. “And we have to go to school tomorrow”
“But why” Zero wined “I don’t wanna go to school tomorrow”
“Zero we have our history presentation due”
“Oh shit yeah” he gave me a sheepish look “I haven’t even started that”
“Oh my god Zero what the fuck do you mean you haven’t started it”
“I mean I was gonna start it but like I just didn’t”
“Alright get your computer we are working on it right now” the project took about an hour to complete and it was about midnight. I was feeling ballsy so I decided to ask some questions that had been on my mind. “Do you think we will ever get out of here”
Zero looked concerned, “what do you mean get out of here”
“I mean get out of this terrible town, with all these people who hate us”
“I mean probably, I’d hope so” he sounded sincere but I was always bad at reading him or anyone for that matter. “Alright rem it’s getting late we should go to bed”
I rolled my eyes. “Fine” he gave me a kiss and we were off to bed. That night I couldn’t help but think about what might happen in the future.
At about 6:00 am the alarm went off for us to get ready for school. I didn’t have any more clothes so I stole Zeros, like I usually did, and also like usual we were late for school.
I walked into Mr. Jamison’s class and he gave me a disapproving stare. “Olivia,” Mr. Jamison refused to call me Remi, “Care to explain why you are late?”
“I’m sorry sir the walk to school took longer than I thought it would and-”
He cut me off “That’s enough, take your seat” Mr. Jamison taught science, a subject I didn’t care about in the slightest. Plus Mr. Jameson always had it out for me, always calling on me in class asking me difficult questions when we both knew I wasn’t paying attention. And unfortunately today was no different.
I went through the morning with little interruption, mostly just Ref being an ass hole as per usual. By the time lunch rolled around I severely regretted coming to school. I sat in the hallway away from the cafeteria listening to my music and waiting for Zero. “Hey Rem,” I hadn’t heard him come over “how’s your day been so far”
“Ugh, just about the same as always. Slow and boring”
“Yeah that figures” We continued talking and just hanging out until the bell rang meaning it was time for class. Unfortunately I had to go to my own house today as opposed to Zeros. So when I was released from 7th period I took my sweet time before getting to the bus.
The second I walked in the door my mother came screaming “Where the actually fuck have you been you little bitch? You think you can just leave me to tend to this god damn house all by myself? It’s your fault we are in this situation in the first place therefore you have to deal with all this shit…” after that I really stopped listening, she gave me the exact same lecture every time I came home, ‘your worthless you have to deal with this because it’s your fault we are here’ blah blah blah. It really wasn't worth listening to anymore, once you say something enough times it loses its meaning.
After my mother finished her little rant I went to do my chores and go to bed, as I walked into my room I could hear the rain hitting the roof and the windows, and for once it was silent. My mother came stumbling into my room, clearly drunk and decided she wasn’t done torturing me for the day, “It’s all your fault, it's your fault that Sawyer is gone, it's your fault your dad left, it's all your fault” and she walked away. I couldn't stand being in that terrible house anymore. I packed up what little shit I had and walked to Zero’s house, granted it was raining and 11 pm but I made it.
I knocked on the door and got no answer, thankfully when I knocked on Zero’s window he was still awake. He opened the window and I crawled inside, “Remi what are you doing here?” I was so exhausted I couldn’t bear to say anything. Zero seemed to get this message, “Alright we will talk about this tomorrow, but for now you need to go to sleep”. We never did talk about what happened that night, I couldn’t bear say the words.
After that night everything just kinda faded away, Zero’s parents decided to let me live with them but something wasn’t right. The words my mom had spoken to me echoed in my head, ‘It's all your fault’ I knew it was my fault, she knew it was my fault everyone knew it was my fault. It was my fault Sawyer was dead, it was my fault my father left, it was my fault my mother hated me, everything was my fault.
Then there was the day everything ended, it was the end of May and my life had crumbled at my feet. I was always high or drunk, I failed all of my classes, I only went to school because Zero forced me, I hadn’t eaten in days. I couldn't even function anymore.
Zero and I were walking home from school along the familiar dirt pathways talking about nothing in particular. “Hey, what do you think happens when we die?”
Zero looked at me with surprise, “that's quite a grim question, but I don’t really know, I hope it's happy and I hope I’m with you but that's really it”. I had found myself wondering what happens when you die, and I didn’t really have an answer. The only thing that came to mind was the wave theory we discussed in English, it had always stuck with me. Budists thought that when a wave comes out of the ocean that is life, and when it returns to the ocean that is death, the wave returns to the ocean because that's where it came from and that's where it's supposed to be.
Zero and I continued walking back to his house in silence. It seemed Zero was deep in thought, and I was unfortunately too high to notice the silence. Once we entered Zero’s house it was the same as usual, Ms. Sumnter greeted us and we went to his room. School had been especially hard for me that day, Ref and his goons had been especially persistent, stealing my things and just generally harassing me.
“Remi, what’s going on, ever since you moved in you’ve been different. I know it was something your mom said but could you tell me what she said or something, anything,” I could hear in his voice he was starting to cry “I just need to know how I can help you, I love you so much your my entire world and I cant bear seeing you like this, so please please tell me what I can do to help you”
I looked at him with tears in my eyes and told him everything. I told him about my father and how he left after I came out as trans, I told him about my older brother Sawyer and how he had killed himself, I told him what my mother had said to me and how she treated me, I told him about Ref. Everything I could think of I told him, because he deserved an explanation, he deserved to know everything about me because he did everything for me, even ended his life.
Once I was done telling him everything he pulled me closer into his chest, “Remi i’m so sorry you have to deal with all of that”
”There’s one last thing I have to tell you,” he looked at me with concern, “Actually I’ll just show you I can't bear to say the words” which I for once was true I couldn’t find the words to tell my precious boy what I had done to myself, I pulled up my sleeves to reveal cuts scars and scabs covering my arms.
“Oh Remi” He pulled me into a hug, “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to protect you, even if it was from yourself” with that I pulled him even closer and we sat there for a while, even once Zero fell asleep I couldn’t stop thinking, and eventually I had made up my mind. I left Zero an note and left.
I walked along the dirt path that lead to the falls behind town, my brain on autopilot. By the time I reached the falls it was about 2 am, I didn’t really know as i had left my phone in Zero’s bed. My plan was to jump off the top and well, you get the rest. I had made it to the top of the falls when I heard Zero’s voice yelling at me.
”REMI STOP.” I turned to see Zero tears rolling down his face, out of breath, and holding my note, “Just listen for a minute please, please” I reluctantly made my way over to him. When I reached him he pulled me in for a hug “Remi, I don't know how to say this but I’m gonna try, I love you more than anything and I cant do this without you, I can’t live without you, before I met you I was lonely and depressed and I can’t do that again, and I’m not gonna ask you to stay just for me because I cant subject you to that, but what I am saying is let me go with you”
I pulled away from him, “What” I asked, quite confused.
”Let me jump with you”
”Are you sure, I mean like thats it you’ll be gone along with me but still”
He nodded, I’d never seen him be so sure of anything. “Remi listen to me, if your going so am I, plus I know I can’t talk you out of this, no matter how much I want to”
”I love you so much Zero”
“I love you too Remi, more than anything” So we held hands and we jumped, as we fell I could feel Zero’s arms wrap around me, then nothing. There was nothing I couldn’t feel anything, I had done it. I was dead, so to Zero, the love of my life and the love i ended my life with, thank you.