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Jeong Gi Seop had been acting weird. Kim Jin Wu knew that his boyfriend had this strange tendency of acting weird all the time, not like Gi Seop had ever been “normal” before. But this was another level of weird.
It had been two weeks. Two full weeks of Jeong Gi Seop coming back home late, way after his shift at his part time job had ended. Two weeks of Jeong Gi Seop avoiding Kim Jin Wu like the plague, hiding his coat and phone away as soon as he came home, spending way too much time under the shower and always seemingly lost in his thoughts.
Two weeks. Sure, Gi Seop had already acted this way before, but never more than a day or two. It had happened once when Jin Wu had accused him of not paying enough attention in school. Gi Seop had tried to distance himself from Jin Wu for one day, thinking that maybe if he was away from his boyfriend, he would be able to focus more in class. It had the opposite effect and he ended up thinking about Jin Wu a lot more and being even less focused.
He somehow lasted one full day before coming back to Jin Wu like a kicked puppy begging for affection. So, two whole weeks, that was definitely very, very weird. Two weeks of Gi Seop barely asking for cuddles and kisses, always too lost in his thoughts to actually pay attention to Jin Wu. And Jin Wu hated it.
He had thought it would just pass and Gi Seop would be back to his usual self. He had thought that maybe he was just overthinking things. He had thought that maybe he needed to give Gi Seop some space and time. But Jin Wu also had a heart, and needs, and he couldn’t go two full weeks without his usual dose of Jeong Gi Seop. This was torture, and he needed to do something about it, now.
So, Kim Jin Wu was in their home, patiently waiting on the sofa, it was one hour past Gi Seop’s usual return time, Jin Wu could feel his heart clenching as he kept looking at his phone, waiting for a sign that Gi Seop was alright. Jin Wu tried not to overthink things, not to think about what Gi Seop might be doing, not to assume the worst.
But it was now close to midnight and Gi Seop was supposed to be home 3 hours ago, the dinner that Jin Wu had prepared was now cold and the boy didn’t know whether to just throw it away or not. It probably wasn’t the best anymore and he was not sure that heating it up would be enough but he also didn’t want Gi Seop to come home hungry and not have anything to eat.
Sure, Jin Wu wasn’t very happy with Gi Seop’s behavior, but he didn’t want him to starve… Nor was he really angry, he just felt… neglected, and lonely. It took thirty more minutes for Gi Seop to come home, he visibly looked exhausted and nervous and Jin Wu almost felt bad about confronting him now. After all, he could wait until the next day, maybe Gi Seop had some problems going on…
When Jeong Gi Seop’s eyes fell on Jin Wu who was still sitting in the sofa, his eyes immediately lit up and a smile made its way on his face. Jin Wu could see the way his shoulders relaxed and his own heart immediately felt at peace. Jin Wu knew that Gi Seop loved him, he had proved it many times already, but he still felt insecure sometimes and this whole situation was weighing on his mind.
“Were you waiting for me?”
Gi Seop asked, feeling visibly guilty as he thought about how late it was and how Jin Wu would probably feel super tired on the next day, all because of him. It wasn’t usual for Jin Wu to stay up late and when Gi Seop would come home after his bedtime he would normally find the living room empty as his boyfriend would already be sleeping. Kim Jin Wu stood up, playing nervously with his fingers as he was swinging from side to side.
“Hum… Y-Yeah… I wanted to talk with you about something…”
Jin Wu noticed how Gi Seop held his breath, the tension coming back in his shoulders and the smile slowly fading from his face. He didn’t want to do that, he didn’t want to make Gi Seop unhappy, even if it meant that he would have to stay like this. But he also didn’t want their relationship to go to drain like this… He wanted to keep being as they used to, happy, together, in love.
“Oh… What is it?”
Jeong Gi Seop asked, stepping closer to Jin Wu. The smaller boy just wanted to run in his boyfriend’s arms, put his head in the crook of his neck and breathe in his scent that he had missed so much. He wanted to hug him hard enough that he would forget everything about his worries and insecurities.
But he couldn’t.
“Hum… You’ve been kind of… distant for the last two weeks… Getting home late, neglecting me a bit… I was wondering if there was something going on that made you act this way?”
Jeong Gi Seop visibly gulped, his gaze dropping to the floor as he tensed up. Kim Jin Wu felt his heart dropping to the floor as he recognized the evident sign of guilt and doubt consuming Jeong Gi Seop. So, something was going on… There was a reason… There was something happening that did make Gi Seop neglect him… There was a reason. And in a way, this was enough to make anxiety creep in Jin Wu’s head.
Jeong Gi Seop seemed to finally make up his mind as he stepped closer to Kim Jin Wu again. His eyes searching for Jin Wu’s despite the younger boy obviously trying to avoid his gaze.
“Huh… I don’t know how to say this…”
And Kim Jin Wu immediately regretted everything. He regretted asking. He should have stayed silent. He didn’t want to hear the answer. He didn’t want to know. They were happy before and he was happy just being with Gi Seop from time to time, he shouldn’t have been greedy, he should have appreciated more what he already had.
“No… Never mind! Let’s forget about it! I made pork and there are vegetables and some rice with it! It’s probably cold but I can heat it up for you!”
Jin Wu urged, moving to the side, ready to run to the table. He wanted to run away, he felt stupid and nervous and he just wished the awkward atmosphere could go away. He even thought for a second about just running out of the house and hiding somewhere Gi Seop would never find him.
“No! I have to tell you!”
Gi Seop yelled, grabbing Jin Wu’s hand before he could start running. He forced him to stay in place, gripping even tighter when Jin Wu started trashing in his arms trying to make him let go. Jin Wu felt trapped and stressed out and he hated how Gi Seop’s arms around him made him feel so safe and secure because he knew it was only a matter of minutes before it would all go away.
“I don’t want to hear it!”
Jin Wu yelled back, trashing even more, until eventually, he felt Gi Seop slightly getting tired, and he used it to his advantage. He immediately forced front, getting out of Gi Seop’s arms and he started running everywhere in the house, Gi Seop following closely after him.
They ran, and turned around the sofa and tables, and Jin Wu couldn’t help the tears rolling down his cheeks as he thought about how he didn’t want any of this to happen, how he didn’t want their relationship to end. How much he loved Gi Seop and how lonely he would be when Gi Seop would finally tell him that he had had enough.
Jin Wu wished he would never run out of energy and be able to keep running forever so that Gi Seop would keep running after him as well. But then, Gi Seop tackled him to the ground, placing his hand under Jin Wu’s head to make sure he wouldn’t get hurt and wrapping his own body around his boyfriend’s to absorb the shock. And Jin Wu felt his breath getting cut short as realization set in. It was the end.
Before Jin Wu could even think about running away again, Gi Seop rolled them over, pinning Jin Wu to the floor. He panted heavily above him, trying to regain a little bit of energy while Jin Wu was still speechless under him, tears still streaming down his cheeks, his head stubbornly turned to the side as he refused to make eye contact.
Running away had always been his safe place. Running away from his problems, pretending they didn’t exist. Hiding himself in books, notes or under his bed. Avoiding every single thing that could make him realize how lonely he was, how sad his life was. Now that he had Gi Seop, he had been running away less, only playfully chasing each other, never actually willing to disappear from the other’s sight. He didn’t want to look at Gi Seop if it meant that was the last time.
He didn’t want to see those eyes deprived of the love they usually held.
“I’m sorry…”
Jeong Gi Seop whispered, letting his head rest against Jin Wu’s shoulder. And Jin Wu felt all the fight leave his body immediately. He didn’t want to run away anymore, he just wanted all of this to end. If Gi Seop had had enough of him, he wouldn’t be able to avoid it any longer.
“I’m the one who’s sorry… I shouldn’t have-”
“You did nothing wrong!”
Gi Seop cut him off, lifting his head up again to look at Jin Wu’s eyes, the smaller no longer trying to avoid his gaze. He wanted to properly look at Gi Seop for once. After all those times Jeong Gi Seop had bravely looked at him, it was his turn to be brave and face the situation up front.
“I’m the one who messed up! I was so focused on what I was doing that I was just out of everything else… I shouldn’t have neglected you!”
Gi Seop explained, slowly sitting up as he helped Jin Wu up as well. They were in Gi Seop’s old room, sitting against the bed, face to face. Gi Seop let his head fall against the bedframe as he closed his eyes. Jin Wu kept looking at him, analyzing every detail of his face.
“What were you busy with? I mean… If you got tired of me you should just tell me…”
Jin Wu didn’t want to hear it, but he couldn’t avoid it any longer. If it was bound to happen, it would be better if it happened now.
“What are you talking about? I would never get tired of you! I was busy working on a gift… for you…”
Gi Seop finally admitted, his eyes falling to the floor as he started playing with his fingers nervously. Jin Wu fell silent, the tears stopping immediately. He felt like he could breathe again, like his head had been pulled out of water.
“What? A gift? For me?”
He asked, shifting closer to Gi Seop, almost sitting on his lap. He looked eager, and happy, and Gi Seop wished he could look like that forever because of how cute he was, and he mentally scolded himself for making Jin Wu look so stressed out and sad, as he was earlier.
“Yeah… I called Hye Jin Yeok… I needed help… I wanted… I don’t know how to explain this… I wanted to write something for you. Because I know how much you love poetry and people who write pretty things and I wanted to write you a love letter but I’m bad at expressing my emotions and I’m bad with words… So, I asked Jin Yeok and we’ve been working on it for the last two weeks, she comes to the shop after my shift and we try to find words to express what I want to express and I wanted to finish it today because our 300 days anniversary is tomorrow or rather today considering the time. And I was so busy with this, always thinking of what I could write or how I could write it that I didn’t even realize I was completely neglecting you… I’m sorry, I’m such a terrible boyf-”
Before Gi Seop could finish his sentence, Kim Jin Wu’s lips were on his, completely shutting him up. No one had ever done something like this for Jin Wu, no one had ever gone as far as to write him an actual love letter, heck no one had ever written him even a simple letter! Except for his father when he was very young who would write him small notes for his birthdays…
Jin Wu kept his lips firmly pressed against Gi Seop’s, and gosh he had missed this feeling so much. The feeling of just kissing his lover, without a care in the world, just happiness, them and their beating hearts. Then, Jin Wu slightly pulled away, looking at Gi Seop’s eyes as their noses were still touching.
“You wrote me a love letter?”
He asked, not able to hide the smile on his face. This might be the happiest day of his life. Or close behind the day he finally started officially dating Jeong Gi Seop.
“It’s not the best, but… yeah…”
Gi Seop took out a small piece of paper that was folded in his coat’s pocket. Jin Wu immediately grabbed it, looking at Gi Seop earnestly, waiting for his authorization to read the letter. He didn’t want to spoil the surprise and if Gi Seop said that it wasn’t ready then he wouldn’t read it.
“I wanted to give it to you in some fancy restaurant with a bouquet of flowers but I guess this will do. I didn’t realize it was so late already… Happy 300 days anniversary Kim Jin Wu!”
Gi Seop chuckled and pecked Jin Wu’s lips, watching nervously as his boyfriend started unfolding the paper, his eyes falling on the first words.
“Dear Kim Jin Wu,
I don’t really know how to start this letter so I will just say that I love you. You often asked me why, asked me why I would love you instead of any other person who also loved me. For a while, I just thought that there was no reason, that I loved you because of some magical invisible string that tied me to you. But then, I tried to think harder, and I came to a conclusion. I love you because you are you. I have dated quite a few people in my life and I never really cared about any of them, I just wanted to make them happy and move on in my life. I didn’t care about my own feelings. But with you, it’s the opposite. With you, I’m being selfish. I don’t want to make you happy like I wanted to make everyone happy before. I want to make you happy to pay back for all the happiness you give me. I’m not with you because I feel like that’s what you want, I’m with you because that’s what I want. I’m with you because it would be unimaginable for me not to be.
I wondered why I love you so much and I don’t know if what I found were the reasons or the consequences but I found a few things. And I think that’s also a huge part of it, I don’t know where it starts but all I know is that my feelings just keep going. I love you because of how warm you make me feel when you hug me, or smile at me, or just look at me. I love you because of your smile, because of the way my heart is ready to burst out of my chest when I see you smile. I’m in love with your smile. I love you because you’re smart, and nice, and gentle. I love you because you care about small details that other people wouldn’t even notice. I love you because you always look out for me, even when honestly, I don’t deserve it. I love you because of the way you kiss me. A way that somehow always put me right on the line between dying of happiness and getting enough energy to live a thousand more years. I love you because of how you cuddle me at night, with your heart thumping loudly against mine, making me feel loved as well. I love you because of the way your smell calms me down, how I’m always searching for it, how natural and essential it feels for me to just put my head in the crook of your neck and inhale that sweet scent of yours. I love you because I’ve never been as addicted to someone’s scent as I am to yours. I love you because of the way you have to run away from me when you’re embarrassed even if you always let me catch you in the end.”
“I don’t let you catch me, you just run faster.”
Jin Wu laughed, wiping away happy tears. Gi Seop also chuckled, watching intently as Jin Wu continued reading.
“I love you because you always let me catch you. You always make sure not to run too far, not too fast, always making sure I’m not left behind. I love you because of the way you hide in places you know I will find you, because you never actually hide from me, you hide from other people’s eyes, you hide from embarrassment, but never from me. I love the way you get embarrassed, the pink color that tints your cheeks, the round puppy eyes you give me, the little crease between your brows, the red that covers your ears. I love you because somehow you make me feel happier than anything I’ve ever done before and anyone I’ve ever known. I love you because of the way I look at you with this stupidly in love smile on my face that I never even noticed because that’s just how natural it is for me to love you. It’s so much that I don’t even notice it anymore. Loving you is like breathing, I do it all the time and I need it to survive. I love you because every single other person on this planet could be suffering, all I want for the rest of my life is your happiness. I don’t care about me, I don’t care about the others, Kim Jin Wu, I care about you.
I care when you study so much that you have nosebleeds and bags under your eyes. I care when you eat very little because of how busy you are. I care when you sleep poorly because I’m not always there to hug you at night and fight the nightmares away. I care when you are happy. I care when you read your favorite manga and start telling me everything about it. I care when you subtly make me understand that you want to eat your favorite dish. I care when the smallest thing happens to you, whether good or bad, because all I think about all day long is just you.
I tried not to, I tried to pretend like this love was under control, like I could still do something about my overflowing feelings, but I was forced to realize that it was all a lie. I love you way too much to have even the slightest control over it. I would literally let you do whatever you want without a single complaint as long as you flash me one of those smiles that I can’t resist to. Kim Jin Wu, I love you with all my heart, my soul, my life and my sanity. I love you more than I can take, but it’s okay because I will continue giving you this love for a long time.
I also care about us. I love how we hold hands on our way back home, happily swinging our arms together. I love how you let me do whatever, even though you find it embarrassing like cuddling up to you in the streets or kissing you in public. I love how you squeeze my hands when you’re nervous, never enough to hurt me but enough to make me know how you feel, because you always make sure to let me know, and let me help. I love how you got confident enough to post a picture of us on your social medias. I love how you let me cover my whole Instagram with pictures of you. I love our matching pajamas, and matching hoodies. I love letting the whole world know we’re in love. I love how you listen to me and look at me, just as much as I love listen to you and looking at you.
I don’t know if I will ever get the chance to propose to you, and maybe it’s a little too soon to talk about this, but I can’t imagine my life without you and I would run to any country that accepts to marry us as long as I can call you mine for the rest of our lives. If you want, I can even get your name tattooed all over my body, for all I care because I am already and completely yours. Kim Jin Wu I was yours from the moment our eyes met for the first time.
I know it’s stupid but for a while I thought you loved me more than I loved you, until I saw my eyes when they were looking at you, the exact reflection of yours. Kim Jin Wu, the love in your eyes perfectly mirrors the love in mine. I should have guessed when I started running after you, seeking your attention and your affection like a madman. I should have guessed when I started being selfish enough to force my presence onto you, just because I couldn’t be away from you. Should have guessed when I was stupid enough to try and change myself into your perfect type only for you to tell me you preferred me as I am naturally, that you love me for who I am, entirely. Kim Jin Wu, I love you for who you are as well, I love the entirety of you.
This is a very long letter and I don’t know if I conveyed all the messages that I wanted to. If something is missing it’s okay, I will tell you later, I have the rest of our lives to tell you again and again how important you are to me. But there’s one thing that I can’t wait to tell you. I love you, Kim Jin Wu.”
By the time he had finished reading the letter, Jin Wu was a sobbing mess. Jeong Gi Seop was anxiously looking at him, waiting for some words, not knowing if those were good tears or not. When Jin Wu’s eyes raised to Gi Seop’s from above the paper, he knew that those were definitely happy tears. Jin Wu threw himself in Gi Seop’s arms, hugging him tightly, forcing their hearts to thump against one another.
“I love you, Kim Jin Wu.”
Gi Seop whispered in Jin Wu’s ears as he could feel his whole body finally relaxing. He hadn’t noticed how much he had missed this in the last two weeks. It was insane just how dependent he was of Jin Wu’s affection. But Kim Jin Wu felt the same, feeling relieved that Gi Seop was really just an amazingly clumsy boyfriend. But the best boyfriend he could have dreamt of nevertheless.
“I love you too!”
Jin Wu cried in Jeong Gi Seop’s arms, and their lips met in a salty and wet kiss but neither of them wanted to move away so they stayed like this, clumsily kissing in Jeong Gi Seop’s old room. And the rest of their night was spent whispering “I love you”s, kissing and cuddling close, letting their hearts finally be at ease. They stayed in each other’s embrace all night long, not letting go for even a second, just bathing in all their love and letting their soul and body warm up with each other’s love once again.
***
The next morning, Kim Jin Wu made sure to text Hye Jin Yeok to thank her for her participation in writing the letter.
“Thanks for helping Gi Seop with the letter, it was absolutely amazing!”
“I didn’t help that much, though, I didn’t even write a single word in this. I thought that’s what he had called me for but turned out he just needed help to organize his thoughts and find some words, vocabulary wise. He insisted on doing everything by himself, he said it was coming from his heart. You know I generally don’t like him but I must admit just this once, he does love you a lot. You guys make a cute couple… Happy 300 days anniversary btw! <3”
And Kim Jin Wu made sure to repay Jeong Gi Seop’s gift with thousands of kisses, cuddles and by showering him with affection all day long, the taller boy making sure he also made up for all the affection he had missed out in the last two weeks.