Chapter Text
Dear diary (Neil?),
It's like a constant state of panic.
The constant need to move, do something, say something, touch something.
It's selfish.
I want everything about you just for myself, but at the same time, there's this urge to give and give and give, and I feel like it's never going to be enough.
I can't sleep at night.
I can't calm down.
Even when I'm with you.
It feels like an infinite rush of adrenaline flooding my veins over and over again like a never-ending tsunami.
It's fear, but it makes me brave.
It's hatred, but it makes me friendly.
It's disgust, but it makes me enjoy.
It's consuming me, controlling me, and I can't get rid of it.
I can't get rid of you.
My heart is arching for your touch, and when you give it to me, it feels like a punch in the stomach that takes away all the air to breathe, but I still manage to survive.
I can't live like this, but it keeps me from dying, even if I wanted to.
I love you so much it physically hurts.