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Life had simply lost its illustrious glow ever since Ari broke up with Nicole. It was good for her, in a way, that she did! Nicole was horribly abusive to everyone, let alone Ari when they were dating. Ari was willing to put up with so much of it because Nicole was the only girl who she felt comfortable sharing her secret with. And once she dumped Nicole, no one else seemed interested or willing to be with her. So, she put herself through a few more months of misery by trying to date Hunter and pretend she wasn’t the lesbian she was.
It was only after a short two months that the idea was clearly an even worse one than dating Nicole, so she broke up with Hunter as well. After that, she was… alone. Well, sort of. She had some friends. Kelly was nice to her, but Kelly was nice to everyone, even people who didn’t deserve it. Jecka gave her small pity conversations for having never stopped Nicole from doing the damage the brunette did. Karen had become a relatively good friend during and after the relationship. The duo had spent some time here and there together, playing video games or watching Twilight. But Karen had her own interests that Ari didn't enjoy and that was ok. Ari didn’t really know who she truly was. She knew it was probably because of the damage Nicole had done through the months of abuse but… She didn’t know what she did or why she did a lot of the things she did anymore.
One of the things she didn’t really understand but did was ask Emily if they could hang out sometime. There was probably a logical explanation for it! There always was, to her. A reason for everything. A reason for her to talk to the people she did, a reason for her lack of interest, a reason for the abuse. She just didn’t understand them yet. It was easy for the redhead to get lost in thought and wonder why the things that happened to her happened to her.
Moments like now, where she should have been getting ready. Emily had decided that, if she and Ari were going to hang out, Emily would get to pick what they were going to do what the blonde picked. Ari agreed, hoping to just not have to spend another minute alone anymore. But instead of getting ready, knowing Emily would be here any minute, she was sitting in bed. Blanket wrapped around herself, still in her underwear, staring down at the space in front of her, brain lost in thought. Moments like this, where her brain had time to wonder, were probably the worst. No one to distract herself, no one to tell her she was ok…
No one would want to talk to you. Only me. And why would I talk to you when you dumped me? No one could love you, not even the girl who was shattered and broken into a million pieces.
Was it normal for the voice in your head that always told you the worst things about yourself to sound like someone else? She wanted to ask, but. No one ever was willing to talk to her about her and Nicole. If they did, it was just ‘I’m so sorry that happened to you!’ and ‘How could Nicole treat you like that!’ but then those same people would be talking to the brunette ten minutes later as if what they knew never truly happened. Sometimes, it felt like they had all swept Ari away ever since she came out. She went from the brave girl who was courageous to be herself to the ghost of the school and the former shell of herself.
She never heard the sound of someone walking through her empty house, never heard her door open, never heard the voice of someone saying “Ari, are you ready yet? The show is gonna start soon.”
It wasn’t until Emily’s hands were softly placed on her shoulder that Ari had snapped back into reality. That voice in her mind went quiet once again, from the loud screaming it was to the silenced whisper it became when she was around others. She flinched at the touch and looked up, eyes widening in startled fear as she was aware of her surroundings once again.
The look on Emily’s face was softer than Ari had expected. The blonde always had a ready-to-fight and ready-to-raise hell energy. The blonde always thrived on chaos so seeing anything that wasn’t chaos on Emily was strange. The eyes she always noticed to seem either extremely distant or hyper-focused were somewhere in their middle right now. Those eyes were now locked onto hers. Which, in a normal circumstance, would be fine! But, this was not normal. Because she was still in their underwear… SHE WAS STILL IN HER UNDERWEAR!!!
“Fuck, I’m really sorry Emily! I meant to get ready and then I got sidetracked and I forgot what time it was!” The redhead was hurrying to spill out any sort of excuse and apology, pulling her blanket tighter around herself. Her cheeks flushed a dark red in embarrassment as Emily grinned slightly and chuckled weakly.
“It’s fine, don’t worry. I just thought maybe you had fallen asleep or something when you weren’t answering my texts or calls. The blonde stepped away once Ari was consciously aware again and shoved her hands into the leather jacket she was sporting. Which… Now that Ari was paying attention, her eyes scanned up and down the blonde. A short leather jacket with spikes along the shoulders, the sleeves traveling down to Emily’s forearms. A choker wrapped around her throat with a chain necklace underneath, a shirt that Ari couldn’t even read the name of. A silver belt wrapped around her waist with a bullet-lined belt underneath around her hips. Black jeans that had so many band patches that Ari couldn’t make out all of them, just that the pants had more patches than the original denim the pants were made with. A chain hung from one belt loop to another, and black combat boots completing the outfit.
Ari knew the blonde was into the punk and alt scene but… she had no idea Emily was this into it. Suddenly, she was feeling a little out of her element and they hadn’t even left her house yet. “No, No, I’m awake and ok, just was sidetracked, that’s all!” Ari mumbled, looking away quickly. “Just wait for me in the living room, I’ll get dressed really fast…”
Emily nodded slightly and turned, making her way towards Ari’s bedroom door. “Oh, does your cat bite by the way?”
“Only if you’re mean to me.” Ari threw a glance at Emily. “So, you should be fine.”
Emily smirked slightly and walked out of the room, leaving Ari once again to herself. The redhead sighed quietly and covered her face with her hands, spending a few moments mentally cursing herself for not paying attention and instead disassociating. Once the wave of embarrassment rolled through her and she was mentally prepared enough again, she got off her bed and walked to her closet. Her hands shuffled through hung-up shirt after hung-up shirt, biting her lip slightly. She had almost no dark clothes, let alone anything that would make her blend into the crowd… Nothing that’d really match Emily’s style either. Everything she wore was too bright, too cheery, too… She didn’t know what to really describe it as. Normal? Normal sounded right, but it also sounded extremely mean… She sighed as she looked from one end of her closet to the other, her hand only stopping when she unveiled one of probably the only black shirts in there. And of course… it wasn’t hers. It was Nicole’s.
She hesitantly pulled the shirt out of her closet, looking down at it. A graphic My Chemical Romance shirt… When did she even put this in here? She tossed the shirt back towards her bed. It’d work but she wasn’t thrilled about it. A normal pair of jeans, along with tennis shoes… She wouldn’t stick out that badly, as long as she wasn’t being compared to Emily. She slipped the clothes on, that voice in her head raising once again:
So desperate to have me back that you’re wearing my clothes? You really think anyone as cool as Emily is gonna like you when you’re wearing clothes you don’t belong in?
Once her clothes were on and she felt like she looked presentable, she grabbed her make-up bag and dug out a small eyeliner pencil, doing that fastest eyeliner job in the world and somehow managed not to stab her eye. She reached down, grabbed a rubber band off her dresser, and slipped it onto her wrist, then gave herself one last look over before slipping out of her room and out towards the living room. “Ok, I’m ready now, I’m really sorry..”
“It’s fine!” Emily looked up at Ari from the couch, her fingers scratching softly under the orange tabby’s chin that was Ari’s cat. The cat was purring loudly, rubbing its face and chin against Emily’s hand as if it had never received attention in its life, or like it had found its new best friend. “I was gonna try to find your cat but it practically sprinted to my lap the second I sat down on the couch.”
Ari watched as the cat perked its ears up and looked at her, giving a loud mewling sound before returning its attention back to Emily’s hand. “I’ve never seen him so… affectionate with anyone else, ever,” Ari mentioned as she watched. “Not even my mom or dad. He’s only ever done that towards me.” She finally moved forward and reached her hand out. The cat looked over, leaning in and sniffing Ari’s hand, before flopping itself into Emily’s lap and curling itself slowly into a loudly purring ball of orange fur.
“What’s his name?” Emily asked as she glanced up at Ari. “He’s so lovey-dovey and so cute.”
“Oh, it’s Creamsicle,” Ari mentioned, which caused Emily to start giggling uncontrollably. “That’s what my mom and dad decided to name him when they got him! When he was a kitten, he had a lot more white in his fur than orange…” Ari reached down, softly scratching the top of the animal's head, eliciting another loud purring sound for a brief second.
“I understand..” Emily was still giggling. “I just find it funny and cute when people name their animals after food or something, that’s all. I’m not laughing at you.” The blonde mentioned as she reached down and gently scooped the cat up, placing him on the couch next to her and standing before the cat could reclaim his place on her lap. “We should get going though, or else we’re gonna be late.” She looked down, smiling slightly.
“Right, right, sorry..” Ari looked away and tried to shrink into her clothes, attempting to make herself slightly smaller. Realizing that wasn’t really an option, she reached down, pulling the rubber band back slightly and snapping it against her wrist. “I’m ready now, so…”
“Let's go then!” Emily walked past the redhead and out the door, Ari following behind her towards the beat car Emily had pulled up in. “You’ll enjoy this, I promise. I wouldn’t have picked it for us to do if you were going to hate it. It’ll just be different, that’s all.” She glanced back at Ari, that smirk on her face once again. It was only then Ari realized Emily had a piercing nestled right in the middle of her lower lip, the end of the barbell stud glinting in the sunlight. She didn’t know how she’d missed it before, but… It looked really good on Emily. The entire style and aesthetic of the blonde fit her really well. She was already an intimidating person to be around, but the clothes and piercing made her all that much more intimidating.
The redhead sat down in the passenger seat, buckling herself in for what was surely going to be an interesting way to spend her night. But, she wasn’t alone. That’s all she needed right now… To not be alone.
— — — — — —
Ari was a bundle of anxious nerves by the time Emily was walking the duo through the doors and into the extremely small venue. She was repeatedly snapping the small rubber band into her wrist whenever she could, her insides feeling like a can of shaken soda ready to explode as soon as the lid was cracked open. But, she pushed through, following Emily into the small room where there wasn’t even really a stage… There was a VERY slightly elevated piece of wood where instruments sat. The room was already becoming packed with people, causing Ari to stay extremely close and almost lean on Emily to keep from getting separated. She did feel slightly less out of place when she realized most people were dressed normally or were like Ari and wearing a band tee and nothing too crazy. It made Emily on the other hand stick out so much more because of how punk and grunge she looked. By the time Ari had gotten a sense of her bearings, the room was packed. Which, wouldn’t be a problem if everyone around her wasn’t taller than her! She had to nearly clutch Emily’s arm to keep from being swallowed by the crowd.
The whole room smelt like cigarette smoke, weed, alcohol, and various other scents Ari couldn’t put a name to. It was already becoming unbearably hot with this many people confined to such a small area. But looking up at Emily, whose blue eyes were now fixed on Ari, a smile spread across the blonde’s face, told Ari everything she needed to know. Emily was at her happiest right now. The blonde was still holding Ari close to her, almost protectively, just… smiling. She hoped her face turning further and further red could be dismissed as the heat rather than from being borderline admired by Emily…
She never noticed when people started getting up on stage or all the people around her moving and surging forward, pushing her and Emily even closer together. The blue of Emily’s eyes held Ari’s attention more than anything ever could. At least, until there was the loud strumming of a guitar. The echo and reverb off the walls broke her attention as people started yelling. Emily turned her head back to the stage, squeezing Ari’s arm. Then the band started to play. The tone started slow as the lyrics began, everyone either yelling or singing along. It wasn’t Ari’s taste, but she could at least enjoy the slowness of it…
Until everything picked up immediately at once.
The sudden burst of music soared throughout the room, and people to Ari’s right immediately broke into a circle of bodies running around, pushing each other, throwing their weight around as if it were what they lived for. Emily was yelling beside her: “ ONE LOVE FOR YOUR ENEMY! TWO STEPS FROM THE EDGE OF YOUR SANITY! THREE STRIKES FOR THE CALVARY!”
People around them were jumping, waving their arms, headbanging… Even Ari was moving slightly, though more because Emily was still holding onto her then her own movement. The blonde whipped her head around looking at Ari: “ YOU CUT ME CLOSE TO THE BONE! FOUR WALLS THAT YOU’LL NEVER SEE! FIVE WAITS FOR A TASTE OF HUMANITY! SIX FEET, WHAT A TRAVESTY!”
It was a change of pace for the redhead. When she was used to seeing bands and artists like OneRepublic and Maroon 5 and then going to… whatever this was, she wasn’t sure what she should do. She didn’t hate it! But did she not hate it because she actually liked the music? Or because she was with Emily?
And then the blonde was gone. Ari was swallowed into the crowd as the moshpits grew bigger, forcing the two apart. Her eyes scanned for the blonde but had no luck. Not until she managed to squeeze past a few people and was now able to see inside one of the newly formed moshpits. In it, Emily was at the center, yelling and grinning as she shoved people and bounced around on her feet. Ari was… she was grinning, which surprised even herself. She was having fun, even if it was extremely anxiety-inducing. She was attempting to enjoy herself. Seeing Emily on top of the world made it easier.
The band finished the song and people yelled and cheered as they rolled right into the next one: “I wanna bother god… I wanna feel the ground beneath my feet. But I’ve got a smile full of broken teeth… GOODBYEEE, ALL THE DOVES HAVE FLOWN AWAY! I MUSTV’E LOST MYSELF, LOST MYSELF, LOST MYSELF.”
Suddenly, it clicked a little. The first song, she didn’t understand. It was highly energetic, sure, but she didn’t feel it. In this song, it was like someone was turning a dimmer switch up. There was a feeling in her chest… She felt lighter in weight? As if her shoulders had been lightened, even for a moment. She felt seen . Felt heard. It was like… someone had looked inside her, to her soul, and then wrote a song for her.
Revelation and happiness melted away to relief and inner peace, which then faded into another round of anxiety. She felt like an outsider intruding on a space she didn’t belong in… She didn’t know the songs, didn’t know the bands, didn’t know the people… She only knew Emily. But Emily knew the lyrics like it was etched into her beating heart. She knew the band well enough in advance that she had planned for this day for weeks. She knew enough of the people that, even when in a moshpit and being shoved around, she was still conversing and yelling and laughing. But Ari was standing and watching. As she had always done before, stand and watch as others lived and she sat, collecting dust…
The redhead turned and made her way for the nearest door, pushing her way through the crowd and mumbling apologies left and right. Even if no one heard her, she said it out of instinct. Her fingers wrapped around and pulled the band, snapping it harshly against her wrist. A few more steps and she was greeted with fresh air, the open night sky above her with a full moon illuminating the side alley she had spilled herself into. She was covered in sweat, both out of just the heat of so many people packed so tightly in one room and from the anxiety and adrenaline coursing through her. She glanced around at the emptiness around her, the steady sound of the music on the other side of the door she had just come through. She should go home… this wasn’t something she should have done. She knew she’d be letting Emily down but she didn’t belong here. She was out of place…
Maybe Nicole was right. Ari was annoying. Asked for too much. Talked too much. She got in the way of others thinking of herself instead of staying out of everyone’s way. Ari was a nuisance and she’d always be a nuisance… She was too greedy in just wanting a little bit of happiness and time to spend with someone else. Now she was going to have to apologize to Emily, tell the blonde an excuse why she needed to go home, and be alone once again. Because it was what she deserved…
“Ari? You ok?” Emily’s voice startled her, the redhead spinning around. At some point, Emily had slipped through the door and outside with her and Ari had never noticed. “I was looking for you and didn’t see you anymore. I was worried something was wrong.”
“Um… yeah, I’m ok… Hey, Emily, would it be too much to have you take me home?... I’m really sorry, I just… I don’t feel that good.” Ari looked away, her guilt quickly beginning to eat at her as the blonde stared into her.
“I can, but the show only just started…” Emily trailed off. “Are you sure you’re ok, Ari? You look like you’ve been through hell and back in the last few minutes..” Emily took a few steps forward toward the redhead, reaching into her pocket. The blonde pulled out a small bag, unfurling it in her hand and opening it, then holding out a small, blue pill. “Here. Take this. It’ll help.”
“No, no, Emily, it’s ok, I just want to go home, you don’t need to-”
“Do you trust me?” Emily asked.
That question stopped Ari’s brain in its tracks. Her heart skipped a beat. The number of times she heard that question before, always accompanied by something that made her extremely uncomfortable was beyond what it ever should have been. She trusted Emily more than she trusted others, especially when it came to being given pills, but… The question ate at her. All she could think about was the number of times Nicole asked her that, right before Nicole would do something awful to her. Her hand was shaking as she reached out and slowly took the pill from Emily. “What… is it..?” She asked as she looked down at it, nearly dropping it from how badly her hand was shaking.
“A half bar of Xanax. Just to help you calm down a little.” The blonde watched Ari carefully, eyes observing each movement of Ari’s as if she was observing something delicate moving and ready to break at any moment. Ari swallowed hard and then swallowed the pill, her gaze then once again returning to Emily’s.
\
“Emily, I’m sorry, it’s… there's a lot to this and I don’t want to bother you with my problems and everything, especially when this is supposed to be a fun night for you that you planned for weeks and you willingly changed your plans to include me…” Ari sighed, sitting with her back against the building wall opposite the one she came out of. “I don’t want to ruin this for you, so… If it’s too much to take me home, I can sit out here and wait for the show to end so that you can still enjoy yourself…”
“Ari, I wanted you to come because I thought you’d enjoy it. I wanted you to be here, with me.” Emily said softly, her tone shifting once again to something Ari was never used to hearing. “But, if you’re uncomfortable and you don’t want to be here, of course, I’ll take you home. Yeah, I planned for this concert and stuff for a while but. Your comfort is more important to me than seeing a band that I can see in another month or so.” Emily moved and sat down in front of Ari, crossing her legs, the clinking of her chains against the concrete of the alley echoing down the walls. “And if there’s a lot to this, then I’m willing to listen to you about it. Even if it’s something I know nothing about, I’ll still listen to you.”
Ari stared down at the ground in front of her. No one was ever willing to hear her out... They only ever did it because they had to, or they wanted something from her. Not because they genuinely wanted to hear her out about anything… “It’s just… after everything that happened with Nicole and stuff… I have had a really hard time with being alone and wanting to try to be around people. I want to be around others and try to be happy and try to enjoy things, but… I don’t know if I can.” Ari mumbled quietly. “It's like everything I enjoyed is dull now… I feel like I’m constantly annoying people and that my presence itself is just too much for others to handle.”
“Is that why you were so hesitant when you asked me if we could hang out?”
“A little…” Ari mentioned sheepishly. “I didn’t want to be a bother and intrude on your plans but I didn’t really wanna be alone anymore either… I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize, Ari. You weren’t intruding on any of my plans. I’ve always wanted someone to go to these shows with me so when you asked, I was excited to show you this. I knew you were having a tough time ever since everything that happened with Nicole happened. I was hoping that, with having you come with me, you’d experience the same thing that I experienced when I came to a show like this for the first time.”
“What do you mean? Experience what?” Ari asked, finally lifting her gaze from the cement to Emily’s face.
“That feeling of belonging. Like, a song was made for you. That the band and the song are speaking for you, giving you the words you were unable to say before. Like you’re truly being seen for the first time as you are rather than for what you think people see you as.” Emily mentioned softly. “It happened to me the first time I ever came to a show, and almost everyone in there has experienced that same feeling at least once. That’s part of the reason they keep coming back. Here, they can be who they are and feel like they’re being themselves when they can’t in any other part of their life.”
Ari nodded, more to herself than anything, but Emily noticed it.
“So, you did feel that, then?” Emily asked, smiling slightly. “It’s an amazing and overwhelming feeling, isn’t it?”
“It’s… it's a lot.” Ari said softly. “It was part of the reason I needed fresh air. I thought maybe I was having a panic attack or something and because of how hot it was in there, I couldn’t tell.” Ari said quietly, the embarrassment hard to hide in her voice. “I felt like maybe I was just imagining it… Or that if that really was what it was, that I wasn’t deserving of it…”
“Everyone deserves happiness, Ari,” Emily said, her voice becoming more than it was before. “No one deserves to spend their whole life miserable and unhappy, especially when that unhappiness and misery was caused by someone else.” The blonde started to stand up, making her way back towards the door. She looked around and found a loose brick that she then used to prop the door open, music now flowing out into the alleyway. “It can be extremely overwhelming the first time because there are so many people. So, this way, we can listen to the music together without being swallowed by the crowd.” She turned back and smiled once again.
Ari sat quietly with her back against the wall as Emily moved and sat next to Ari this time instead of from across from her, listening to the music drift through the open door. Whatever heavy music the band was playing had faded into something much softer and lighter, slower-paced.
“My head is haunting me and my heart feels like a ghost. I need to feel something cause I'm still so far from home. Cross your heart and hope to die, promise me you’ll never leave my side.”
Ari closed her eyes and listened to the softness of the music, letting each lyric sink into her. She subconsciously moved closer, laying her head softly against Emily’s arm.
“Show me what I can’t see when the spark in my eyes is gone. You got me on my knees, I’m your one-man cult. Cross my heart and hope to die, promise you I’ll never leave your side.”
Ari started humming the sound of the song softly, trying to match the tune as she listened. Emily was wrapping her arm slowly around the redhead, letting the smaller girl get more comfortable.
“Cause I'm telling you, you’re all I need. I promise you’re all I see. Cause I'm telling you, you’re all I need. I’ll never leave… So you can drag me through hell if it meant I can hold your hand. I will follow you, 'cause I'm under your spell. And you can throw me to the flames, 'cause I will follow you. I will follow you…”
The two sat and listened quietly as the music played, Ari humming quietly as she listened. Once the song was over, she realized what she was doing and sat back up quickly, her face turning deep red. “I-Im sorry! I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything, I was just trying to listen and-”
The redhead was silenced as Emily leaned over, pressing her lips against Ari’s. Her world went silent and peaceful as the blonde reached up and cupped her face softly, dragging the kiss out for several seconds. Then the blonde pulled away, smirking slightly. “Still wanna go home?”
“A little, but…” She looked off to the side. “Only… if you come with me…”
Emily looked into the redhead's eyes, a smirk still in place but softened into a partial smile. “Of course. Only if you want me to.”
Ari nodded slightly and stood up before her embarrassment could eat her alive any further. “I do… Thank you for tonight, Emily.” She said as she reached a hand out towards the blonde. “It means a lot.”
“The nights not over,” Emily mentioned as she took Ari’s hand and stood up, smiling once again. “There’s still plenty of time to do anything, including you,” Emily mentioned with a smirk.
“Oh my god…” Ari mumbled and rolled her eyes, her face nearly matching the color of her hair. “Say that again and I won’t ever spend time with you ever again.”
“You can’t make that threat towards me when you’re still holding my hand, Ari.”