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Nicole was never one for cheesy things. Anything sentimental just never really actually mattered to her. Maybe it was because people so consistently left her life and typically tore a piece of her away every time they did. Maybe it was just because she didn’t want to remember things. Maybe it was because an even smaller piece of her didn’t want to deal with worrying about things disappearing or breaking. The only thing she ever held onto that was sentimental to her was her dad’s guitar. And while she kept it, she never touched it. It just sat in her room, slowly gathering dust, strings rusting. Jecka didn’t think guitar strings could rust. But, somehow, Nicole proved her wrong in another aspect of something. Still, Jecka was determined. She could find something that Nicole would find sentimental value in keeping. Maybe she was just trying all the wrong things.
So, when Jecka had asked Karen for some kind of advice, after exhausting every other option, she wasn’t entirely sure this one was going to work either. Nicole had never been one for flowers. She normally mocked people who got them for others for whatever the occasion. She remembered Nicole even making fun of Megan after the brunette received flowers from Hunter…
Karen had promised Jekca this would work though. Something about maybe Nicole made fun of those people because she never got flowers… Or that maybe Nicole hated flowers, but this one she’d like because it was ‘ more Nicole’ as Karen had put it. So, Jecka took an extraneous amount of time and effort to hunt some down. She never wanted to hear Nicole bitch about how Jecka didn’t do anything for her after all the effort she spent finding one flower. Then came time to actually give Nicole said flower. Jecka normally was so confident about everything she did with Nicole but… for once, her anxiety and insecurity in her relationship with her girlfriend was taking hold. What if Nicole hated it? What if she laughed at Jecka for getting her some dumb flower?
She didn’t have a lot of time to think about it as she stood at Nicole’s door, bag in hand. The brunette had practically begged Jecka to come and stay the night. When Nicole finally opened the door, she understood why: Nicole’s face was a mess of tears. She was wearing the baggiest clothes she owned, and dark circles under her eyes. She practically forced Jecka inside with how hard she pulled the blonde’s hand, slamming the door behind Jecka.
“Wait, Nicole, what’s wrong? You just asked me to come stay, what the fuck?” Jecka dropped her bag at the door, forgetting the precious cargo inside as she placed both of her hands on Nicole’s shoulders. She looked down, studying Nicole’s face, staring into the messy blue eyes. The brunette had only just stopped crying recently, eyes still puffy and pink.
“It’s fine, can we just go to my room, please?” Nicole was nearly whimpering. Jecka had never seen her like this before. Not even when she was shot for stealing a fucking CD? Still.. Jecka didn’t argue with her about it. She followed behind Nicole who was nearly dragging her up the stairs and to her room. Once inside, with the door shut, Nicole finally visibly relaxed slightly. Her room was trashed; clothes were strewn all over the place, and half of her closet was tossed on the ground. Her cd’s were sitting in piles across the room, posters torn off the walls.
“Nicole, what the fuck happened? Your room is beyond trashed. Even more than it normally is.” She turned and faced Nicole, who was now sitting on the edge of her bed, scratching at her wrist slightly through the pink hoodie she was wearing. It was then that Jecka noticed there was one item that wasn’t even in Nicole’s room anymore. It was no longer hanging in its spot above Nicole’s bed, the only remnants being the slightly torn piece of sky-blue fabric by one of the nails that used to hold it up. Jecka’s eyes returned to Nicole, staring into the girl who refused to meet her gaze. “She didn’t.”
“Can we just… not fucking talk about it right now, please?” Nicole averted her gaze from Jecka’s eyes, subconsciously trying to hide further into the hoodie she was in, bringing her legs up to her chest. “I will literally talk to you about anything else, we can talk about Smallville for all I care. Just, not this, not right now.”
Jecka stared for a short while, then sighed quietly and nodded. “Alright… Here.” She reached into her pocket, pulling out her pack of Camel Crushes and holding one out to Nicole. “At least calm down while we smoke and talk about whatever.” She mentioned as Nicole shakily reached out and took the stick from Jecka along with a blue lighter. The brunette lit the end and handed the lighter back to Jecka, who then lit her own in turn, before slipping the pack back into her pocket and sitting down next to Nicole on the bed. She wrapped one arm around Nicole and, when the other girl didn’t pull away, softly pulled Nicole against her.
Smoke drifted gently between them, the wisps intertwining and then separating as they rose slowly toward the ceiling. Jecka held Nicole against her, absentmindedly humming a tune she remembered hearing Nicole hum once. “I swear, I thought you were going to finally murder Jeffery today.”
“He wouldn’t stop ranting and ranting in that stupid Elmo voice of his about how important it was that we should all care about some big copyright strike thing or whatever for his anime girl bullshit,” Nicole mentioned between drags. “Between him not stopping with that and him harassing me every second he can like I’m his best friend or something, I’m either going to murder him or myself or both.”
“It’s even worse when he tries to talk to me. The mere sight of him glancing in my direction practically sets you off.” Jecka mentioned with a slight grin. “Almost like you’re my knight in shining armor or something, coming to slay the nerdy dragon pervert for your beloved princess.”
Nicole faked a gagging sound and pulled away from Jecka’s arm, rolling her eyes slightly. “I’m sure you’d love to imagine me seeing you as a princess.”
“You don’t already?” Jecka asked, raising an eyebrow.
“I feel like you’re as insufferable as you think I am,” Nicole mentioned and took a drag off the cig. “Were you able to at least get whatever you were buying from Emily while I was dealing with ‘still uses velcro shoes’?”
“Yeah, I got us both some percs. You’re welcome, by the way.” Jecka mentioned with an eye roll. “And then Adderall.”
“What do you even take Adderall for? It doesn’t hardly does anything.” Nicole asked, now scooting back on the bed and resting her back against the wall.
“It does nothing for you because you probably have ADHD or something and just refuse to go see someone to find out if you do or not.” Jecka brought one leg up and crossed it, the other dangling slightly off the side of the bed. “Because when I take it, I feel more hyper and alert. You and Emily just feel normal or whatever the closest thing to normal is for you two.”
“Maybe it does nothing because my brain is just a whole different level of fucked up or something?” Nicole offered as a lame excuse, smirking slightly. Jecka watched her, eyes trailing along Nicole’s lips, the way the girl smiled, to her ocean eyes, the way her hair hung down in her face when it wasn't in a ponytail. Nicole was the definition of beauty in Jecka’s eyes. It was only when Nicole made a noise and was still smirking that Jecka realized she had been caught staring and could feel her heart beating faster in her chest. She looked away, cheeks turning bright pink.
“Whatever…” Jecka mumbled. Her eyes once again lingered on the mess that was Nicole’s room now. Still, she chose not yet to bring up what had happened. “At least we’re only a few months away from graduating. Then we’ll never have to see all those people again and we can move wherever we want.”
“If I’m still alive by then,” Nicole mumbled.
“You will be. I know you will be.” Jecka said, the sound of determination and confidence in her voice. “Whatever bullshit this town and life throws at us, we’ll get through it. As long as we have each other.” She turned her head and met Nicole’s gaze. “I know like, you hate promises or whatever, but. I promise that because I believe in it with my entire being.”
Nicole avoided Jecka’s eyes as soon as the girl turned her head, but there was a slight smile that was tugging at Nicole’s lips. “You’re horribly cliche, you know that? This is starting to feel like one of those romantic comedy movies that Karen always rambles to you about during lunch.”
Jecka just giggled slightly and moved closer to Nicole, reaching out and taking one of Nicole’s hands softly in hers. “I mean, in a way, I feel like our lives are. But, instead of a romantic comedy, it's like… a tragedy or something. We’re like… older and hotter versions of Romeo and Juliet or something.”
“That is such an awful comparison. And still implies that you’re a princess.”
Jecka continued to grin, looking down at Nicole’s hand. The nail polish she wore was chipped in several places, and most of the paint now missing. Her eyes trailed up further where the hoodie sleeve was pulled back, to Nicole’s wrist. Her eyes traced the raised scars from years of Nicole’s self-destructive tendencies. Nicole reached down with her free hand, pulling the sleeve back down. Jecka let go of Nicole’s hand and looked up. “I’ll be right back, I forgot my bag at your front door.”
Nicole’s face fell slightly, her slight smile now falling into a thin line. Jecka leaned up, pressing a soft kiss against Nicole’s lips, and then pulled away. “It’ll only take me a second, I swear.” She said softly, and once Nicole nodded, Jecka stood and made her way out of the room. She sped walked down the stairs and back to the front door, grabbing her pack. She carefully zipped it open, forgetting about the item inside. Once she made sure it was ok and was mentally slapping herself for forgetting something so important, she made her way back towards Nicole’s room. She came back inside and closed the door behind her.
Nicole hadn’t moved from her spot, staring slightly off into space until Jecka’s movement brought her back to reality. Jecka carefully set the bag down this time, zipping it open and carefully reaching inside. “I brought my nail polish with me since you never keep any other colors here other than black.” She mentioned as she was digging past her clothes and careful not to ruin the present she worked so hard to retrieve. She pulled out three bottles, grinning at Nicole. “Same colors as last time?”
“Last time, I told you I didn’t want to do those colors.” Nicole sighed as she watched Jecka pull everything out. The blonde knew Nicole wouldn’t stop her, and even though last time she protested the colors they opted for, Nicole still let it happen. Not only that but for the following weeks, Nicole seemed almost proud of her nail color scheme. She wouldn’t actively show them off, but Jecka caught the brunette glancing down occasionally and saw that little look in Nicole’s eyes only Jecka could see.
“Well, it’s the only colors I brought with me, soooo…” Jecka once again moved forward, bottles in hand, standing in front of the bed. “Do you have any alcohol or acetone or anything?”
“Bathroom. Should be in the bottom cabinet.” Nicole waved. “If you’re painting my nails, at least give me something to take so I can space out while you become the world's most pretentious perfectionist.”
“If you’re going to be a bitch about it, then no. You can stay sober while I make your nails look like they’ve been done by a professional so that everyone at school can be like ‘Wow, I wish my nails looked that good! Who’d you go to?’ and you can respond with ‘My amazing girlfriend worked tirelessly to make them look this good! Isn’t she so talented and pretty?’”
“You know that I would never say that, ever.”
“Maybe you will now that I said you would.” Jecka reached into her bag and pulled out a small pill bottle, tossing it at Nicole. The bottle landed somewhere on the bed, the brunette reaching out and grabbing it. “That’s your share of the pills I got. You’re not stealing any of mine again if you go overboard and take all of them in two days.”
With that, the blonde left the room once again, this time making her way into the bathroom. She reached down into the bottom cabinet and opened it, digging through the many bottles of cleaning products and other bullshit Nicole’s mom stored under here. Her hand grabbed something sharp and Jecka winced, pulling her hand away. The bright crimson of a small cut bloomed along her fingertip. She reached out carefully with her other hand while bringing the sliced finger to her mouth, her free hand wrapping gently around something metallic and pulling out a thin razor. So this is where Nicole kept it…
A piece of her wanted to take it, throw it away, stash it somewhere else. A piece of her wanted to walk back into Nicole’s room, razor in hand, and scold the brunette for doing something like this and not at least reaching out to Jecka first. She could have helped, could have talked Nicole through everything… Instead, she gently and carefully put the razor back in its hiding space. She retrieved the acetone she was looking for and a bandage for her finger, softly wrapping the cut on her finger. She reached out and grabbed some cotton balls as well and then made her way back to Nicole’s room.
The brunette had finally moved, making herself a more comfortable spot to sit. Pillows now stacked against the wall, a throw blanket tossed across her lap.
“You look like an elderly lady on her deathbed,” Jecka commented as she made her way across the room and once again took her place next to Nicole. She took one of Nicole’s hands and started to use the acetone to remove the old nail polish.
“What’s wrong with just wanting to be comfortable?” Nicole raised an eyebrow as she watched Jecka. “I’m sorry that I didn’t want to move around a ton and have my back or my neck aching by the time you’re done.”
“You never complain about your neck and back aching any other time?” Jeckla raised an eyebrow and grinned slightly, watching the slight blush spread across Nicole’s face. She continued working along each one of Nicole’s fingers, removing the old nail polish. “Besides, it wouldn’t have taken me that long. I want it to be pretty, this isn’t like I’m performing surgery or something.”
“Last time, it took you three hours.”
“That’s because you wouldn’t stop moving and wanted to take a smoke break every ten minutes!” Jecka glared up at Nicole as she finished one hand, and then started working on the other. “And then I had to redo half of your fingers because you wouldn’t let them dry before we started doing other stuff.”
“I didn’t have a choice to let them dry when we were pretty much being kicked out for having the door shut in your room for too long. I thought your parents were like… fine with you liking girls or whatever?” Nicole shifted the conversation off herself. Jecka bit down on her bottom lip slightly. It wasn’t something she wanted to talk about but… If it meant Nicole wasn’t uncomfortable, then she’d put up with it.
“They… don’t hate it but they’re not exactly excited about it either.” Jecka started, staring down at Nicole’s hand. Her eyes traced along each movement, each line, each muscle. She never realized how thin and long Nicole’s fingers were. No wonder the girl was able to play guitar so well. “They think it’s more a phase than anything. That it’s just me trying to be rebellious and that once I get into college, I’ll find some nice guy and settle down and start a family or something…” She reached over and dried the remaining acetone off of Nicole’s nails, then reached for the first bottle of paint. “So, they are at least glad I’m somewhat happy right now. And us dating doesn’t really affect my school other than when we skip, which I’d do anyway even if I wasn’t dating you. But… It’s easier for them to blame it on us dating and your influence than it is for them to just acknowledge their daughter for the way I am.”
Nicole didn’t say anything, just watched as Jecka shook the bottle of paint and then opened it. The blonde carefully took Nicole’s thumb in between her fingers and started to apply the sky-blue paint to the nail. “I know that’s not as bad as your mom, but. It’s still really frustrating and saddening to know I try my hardest to make my parents happy and proud of me and the one thing I do for myself, they refuse to accept.”
“It’s no different than my mom, then,” Nicole mumbled, watching Jecka’s fingers move with precision. “The whole reason my room is fucked right now is because of her.”
“I… figured. I had the feeling when I saw the flag missing.” Jecka glanced up at the missing space once again, then back down at her work. She finished one thumb and moved on to the other. “What was it that set her off this time?”
“What doesn’t set her off anymore? The closer I get to graduation, the more she threatens to kick me out or to take me off her insurance unless I start doing what she wants me to do.” Nicole was grinding her teeth. Jecka could hear it any time Nicole stopped speaking. “She is so desperate to get back the son she feels she’s losing that she’ll willingly put her daughter out on the streets without hesitation. Or deprive me of the meds I need.”
Jecka silently continued painting Nicole’s nails. Sky Blue on the thumb and pinkie. Switched bottles to a pastel pink for index and ring fingers. Finished with white on the middle fingers. It was a much faster process when Nicole wasn’t constantly interrupting her. Once she was done, she sat back up. “Shake your hands so that your nails dry.” She said softly and moved back to her bag, returning the bottles of paint to their place. She glanced down at the flower in her bag, hesitated, then looked over at the brunette.
Sure, Nicole was… well, Nicole. She wasn’t the most stable person. She was mean, actively enjoyed manipulating people, and enjoyed having control and getting the things that she wanted. She was suicidal, depressed, anxious, traumatized… But Jecka couldn’t love her any less. Nicole had her flaws, but who didn’t? Nicole still deserved happiness. Deserved to be loved and cherished the same way anyone else in the world deserved. Jecka was more than happy to give Nicole that feeling, even if Nicole didn’t want it.
“Hey, I got you something, by the way.”
“For what?” Nicole asked, carefully shaking her hands to dry out her nails. “You didn’t owe me for anything and it’s not like it's Valentine's Day or something.”
“Can I not get my girlfriend something just because I want to?” Jecka rolled her eyes. She reached down into her bag slowly, very carefully, and gently pulled out the flower that was so meticulously placed inside of its small pot. She’d have to clean the dirt that came out of her bag later, but. If Nicole liked it, then this would all be worth it. “I know you hate flowers and cheesy gifts, but… I thought maybe this is one you would like.” She turned and faced Nicole, the small pot in her hand. Carefully placed inside the pot was a blooming flower with night black petals, the green of its stem a stark comparison to the flower itself. “It seemed more your style with the petals being the color they are.”
Nicole stared at Jecka, those ocean blue eyes almost seeming out of focus, Disbelief painted on her face. Then she was laughing. Suddenly, Jecka felt this wasn’t such a great idea. Maybe Nicole really did hate it. Anger bubbled in Jecka’s chest. She set the flower down on Nicole’s nightstand and sat on the bed, back to Nicole. “If you hate it, just fucking say so.”
“No, No, I don’t hate it. It’s just… whatever.” Nicole mentioned and Jecka felt the brunette shift on the bed behind her. Arms wrapped around the blonde’s waist from behind, the brunette pulling her closely into her. “I’m just really fucking tired, Jecka. I cried for the first time in forever today, you painted my nails, and I took like… four Percocets. I don’t hate it, I just don’t care for flowers. But…” Nicole leaned in, pressing a kiss against the side of Jecka’s face. “Thank you… or whatever.”
Jecka sighed and leaned into Nicole now. It was a waste and another thing crossed off the list that she wouldn’t be able to get Nicole but… at least they were together. She had to try to focus on that instead of Nicole being so extremely hard to shop for. “Yeah, sure… Let's just sleep. It’s late and I have things I have to do tomorrow.” Nicole pulled them down, the two getting comfortable and slowly intertwining into each other.
— — — — — —
Graduation day was tomorrow. They’d done it together. Just one more day and they’d be done here, moving away, saying fuck this place, fuck their parents, and fuck their old lives. It was everything Jecka had ever hoped for. And now, lying against Nicole’s sleeping form, she felt the happiness and accomplishment flowing through her. She was happy. It was easy to think through all the moments that she didn’t think they’d make it through. From Nicole being shot, to Nicole nearly ODing by accident after she convinced Kylar to jump off the roof, to Nicole accidentally being outed as trans after Kelly got too wasted at one of her parties. Even though it had only been a year, it felt like Jecka had already been through an entire lifetime with Nicole. And she’d happily take many more lifetimes as long as she had the brunette. Hell itself could open and swallow them whole. As long as she had Nicole, nothing else mattered in the end.
She leaned over, planting a small kiss on Nicole’s cheek. The brunette stirred slightly, opening one eye slightly and mumbling tiredly “It’s like… two am… why are you awake…”
“Just cold. Why does your mom keep your house set to the Arctic Circle? Is she going through menopause that bad?” Jecka asked, suppressing the small giggle she had. Nicole smiled weakly and closed her eyes again, letting out a slow sigh.
“Just grab one of my jackets out of my closet or something…”
Jecka made a noise of annoyance at having to get up but slowly climbed out of the bed. She made her way to Nicole's closet and opened the door, using her phone as a light. She reached in, moving a few of the hangers around before her fingers gripped the MSI jacket she’d gotten Nicole a few weeks ago. She slid it off the hanger and onto herself, enjoying the scent of Nicole on the clothes. She was just about to close the closet door when she noticed an electrical cord running into the closet. Curiosity once again got the best of Jecka as she crouched down and moved a few clothes out of the way. She felt her heart skip a beat, a thick blush rising along her cheeks.
Sitting there, on the floor under a grow lamp, was the same flower she had gotten Nicole some months ago. It looked healthy and even had started to sprout new flowers that would bloom next year. So… Nicole did love it. She willingly figured out how to keep the flower alive and take care of it.
Jecka was smiling so hard that her cheeks were hurting. She slowly stood back up and gently shut the closet door, then turned and faced the bed. Her eyes fell on Nicole’s sleeping form, on Nicole’s face. She watched the gentle rise and fall of Nicole’s chest, the slow sound of breathing filling the silent room. The blonde made her way back to the bed and climbed under the sheets, wrapping her arms around Nicole and pressing herself tightly against the brunette. She heard Nicole make a noise again and laid her head against Jecka’s. The blonde closed her eyes, fingers tracing small circles against Nicole’s back.
Life would always be hard for them. Nicole had a lot of things in her past that she wanted to bury. Jecka had her own troubles like her parents and having a girlfriend who was a sociopath that didn’t know how to express herself properly. They’d been through so many stressful events and Jecka knew many more would come. Some may even strain their relationship and test them as people. But… she had Nicole right now. In her arms. She could enjoy the small moments of intimacy like this, where the brunette didn’t pull away and instead gave herself to Jecka the same way Jecka gave herself to Nicole. And this… This is what Jecka would live for, more than anything else. She made a mental note to bring up the flower after the ceremony tomorrow. For now?
For now, she’d love Nicole. As long as Nicole loved her, she’d love the brunette back. Nicole didn’t have to say it. Jecka knew. She always did.