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Sometimes Chu Wanning has doubts.
He’s the happiest he’s ever been – highly recognized in his career and married to the one who is indisputably the love of his life – and most days he’s so content he can’t even stop to think twice about it.
But some days he doubts.
Some days he looks at Mo Ran and doesn’t know what his husband sees in him.
“I have a horrible temper,” he’d said once, and when Mo Ran had dismissed his concern he’d easily kept going: he was old, ugly, unlikeable, all the things that should have never attracted anyone, least of all someone as unbelievably perfect as Mo Ran, and yet–
How could he like him?
Mo Ran had laughed and kissed away each of his concerns, and had even surprised Chu Wanning by asking him the same – how could Chu Wanning like him when he could be so stupid, or inconsiderate, unreliable even – and Chu Wanning had been so shocked he hadn’t even been able to reply properly.
Since then, he’d made sure to let Mo Ran know, in his own way, how much he loved him, even if he could still barely believe Mo Ran loved him just as much.
Mo Ran was always happy to show him too, never shying away from reaching out and holding his hand or kissing his cheek or pulling him closer to him on the couch, and he did it enough times that Chu Wanning believed him.
Still. Even then, some days he can’t help but doubt.
Days like this one, as he watches Mo Ran effortlessly glide through the room to make his way back to him, being stopped every few steps by one co-worker or another wanting to schmooze.
They’re at the faculty’s annual holiday party. Mo Ran used to be one of his TAs a few short years ago but even now that he’s finished his studies and has gone on to work for a fancy tech company everyone still loves him, with the memories of a younger, just as charming Mo Ran still fresh in their minds.
Everyone had been shocked when they’d found out he and Chu Wanning were together.
Mo Ran had thought Chu Wanning had been worried about what people would think about him dating one of his TAs, but in truth, he was worried because he knew no one would understand how Mo Ran could willingly want to date him .
And even as Mo Ran had tried his hardest over the years to dispel him of that “ridiculous notion”, as he put it, Chu Wanning couldn’t help but feel just the same as he watched Mo Ran happily chatting and laughing with people who would be far more suited for him.
Would he be happier with that girl who was now a TA for the Macroeconomics professor? She was young and bright and she clearly knew how to flirt; he bet she wouldn’t prefer spending all her nights at home with their cat and would instead want to go out drinking and dancing – all the things Mo Ran was supposed to be doing.
Or maybe he’d be happier with the new History professor? He wasn’t as young, but he was still livelier than Chu Wanning, softer, and he’d heard his students loved him.
Wouldn’t Mo Ran be happier with someone else?
How long did Chu Wanning have until Mo Ran figured this out by himself? Wasn’t it inevitable that he would realize what he was missing out on one of these days and Chu Wanning would be left alone once again?
“Wanning.” Mo Ran’s deep voice startled him out of his thoughts, and he was surprised to find his husband standing in front of him, holding out two glasses of white wine. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” he lied, swiftly taking the glass of wine and taking a deep swig.
Mo Ran hummed, but he didn’t press. Instead, he looped an arm around Chu Wanning’s waist and pulled him closer to his side, laughing as Chu Wanning practically hissed with embarrassment.
“What are you doing?!” Chu Wanning asked, his face quickly turning a lovely shade of red. “Don’t be so shameless!” He didn’t attempt to pull away, though.
“How am I being shameless? I’m hardly touching you,” Mo Ran retorted, even as his hand started to leisurely stroke up and down his waist, eventually making its way down to his hip. “Besides,” he continued, leaning closer to his husband and lowering his voice in the way he knew made Chu Wanning lose it a little, “everyone knows we’re married. Is it so shameless to want to be close to my gorgeous, amazing husband?”
Chu Wanning could only turn redder at those words. “I’m neither of those things,” he said, resisting the urge to cross his arms. “There are plenty of people here who are much more beautiful or younger or nicer than me.”
His heart was beating faster as he gave in and shared his insecurities with his husband, and a fleeting thought of ‘is this it? Is this when Mo Ran realizes I’m right?’ went through his mind, only to be immediately squashed by Mo Ran himself as he squeezed his waist and let go so he could grab one of his hands instead and lead him towards an empty hallway, away from the party.
“Mo Ran?” he asked, confused.
“Wanning,” Mo Ran said, stopping when they were sufficiently far enough and taking wine glass away so he could set it on the floor next to them, “baobei,” he continued, cupping his face and looking down at him so fondly that Chu Wanning could barely remember why he’d worried in the first place, “whether there are 5, 10 or 100 people in a room, you’re the only one I look at.”
“Mo Ran,” he protested, only half-heartedly.
“I mean it,” Mo Ran said, gently stroking his right cheek with his thumb. “It’s okay if you don’t always believe it, though.”
“Why?” Chu Wanning whispered, unable to look away from Mo Ran’s eyes, as hypnotized as he’d always been around him.
“I have all the time in the world to keep showing it to you,” Mo Ran said, before leaning down and finally claiming Chu Wanning’s lips in a kiss.
They kissed unhurriedly, hidden in the shadows of the dark, empty hallway, and when they parted for air Chu Wanning said, “we should go back to the party.”
Mo Ran, however, “I have a different idea.”
He led Chu Wanning away, having already forgotten about the half drunk glasses of wine he’d set on the ground earlier, and dragged him into an empty classroom.
“Mo Ran! Anyone could find us,” Chu Wanning scolded, even as he didn’t stop Mo Ran from locking the door and starting to unbutton his dress shirt.
“Ah baobei, but this is our tradition,” Mo Ran said, grinning as Chu Wanning glared at him, and he proceeded to make sure Chu Wanning didn’t think about anything at all for the rest of the night.
So, Chu Wanning had doubts sometimes. Luckily, however, Mo Ran was always there to dispel them, time after time.