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Jinshi was preparing to leave for war; he didn’t know if he would return, if he would ever see her again, and that's why he couldn’t sleep a wink that night. Thoughts filled only with her, he decided to write. Write in an attempt to express through his words the thousands of emotions he was feeling. Why a letter? Because in these last months, they had the unfortunate circumstance to communicate solely through letters. It was their only means to stay in touch.
Jinshi’s duties had been nothing short of overwhelming and tiresome as of late, which had resulted in fewer visits. It has been three months since they last faced each other, held each other, and shared a moment together. Love came with sacrifices, and theirs was particularly harsh. However it is no surprise to them as they were both ready to endure such hardships if it meant securing a future together.
Jinshi’s eyes welled with tears as he wrote. First one droplet, then a second, and a third. He remembered the day he promised to make her his wife, and this goal was what motivated him to work tirelessly. This is all he ever wanted; in fact, this is what they both desired. She was not a woman of many words, but she never failed to communicate her affection to him. He remembered how every time they met, she would cup his face and look at him with a worried expression, asking how much sleep he had gotten lately. The way she warmed his whole body with just her touch and took care of him with so much love. All of her actions spoke louder than any of her words.
The chances of seeing her again were too slim; he didn’t want to have any regrets. He didn’t want to leave her without words; that would be most cruel of him. And God knows if there’s anything he cares about in his doomed life, it's her. He has eyes only for her. Nothing else matters as much to him as she does.
His royal status kept him trapped, preventing him from having the freedom to fully love her as he so desires. However, nothing could ever make this love disappear, no matter the circumstances; nothing could negate these strong feelings. Not when her existence is synonymous with light. Not when the thought of seeing her fills him with a joy he has never felt before her. She was everything. He had never asked for anything in life, yet he wanted one thing: her.
No other woman could ever compare, not even the flowers that high-ranked nobles introduced to him in hopes of marriage. He smiled at them when he didn’t want to, and had to reject them after showing no interest. The thought of being destined with another woman made him sick. His desire was only for her. Yet, he could not have her.
Condemned to his rank, which some people would think of as a blessing out of pure ignorance, he on the other hand, only thought of it as a curse. Love becomes a luxury the higher your rank goes. The general public believes that people standing at the top of society should be able to have everything they desire, but they don’t. They can’t because of other pointless matters, or so he thought. They can't obtain the most important thing they desire in life—they can't be with the person they cherish the most, they can't have the freedom of loving and being loved by someone.
Jinshi was very much aware of that; yet the moment he saw her, he felt as though his entire world had been turned upside down, as if something had shifted right then and there. Whether for better or worse, he approached her, and later he realized he couldn’t detach himself from her—not in this lifetime, nor in any other. He craved only her touch, longed to see only her, desired to hear only her voice, and wished to gaze upon only her face for eternity. Their hearts, their souls, are bound by a red string, and not even death could ever change that.
Their coming together and growing close was destined, just as their separation was.
So Jinshi tirelessly wrote. He wrote until his hands began shaking. Yet when he finished the scroll, he cursed and complained that it wasn't enough. He felt like those words were not strong enough to describe what he felt. He thought that a mere letter wouldn't suffice. He had to do more, but at that moment, his body succumbed to exhaustion, unable to bear the weight of his heavy heart any longer.
That night he dreamt of her, of course he did. He dreamt of them living together, leading a peaceful life in a small house far away from the society he loathed so much, where he had everything he ever needed.
A love so profound, a love so strong, but a love doomed to such an unfair fate that even the skies shed tears as he did in his sleep.
It was time for him to depart, it was time to leave her. He didn’t want to, but he had to because his life was never about what he wanted, but always about what he had to do. He gathered the scroll of paper and made sure to ask Gaoshun to deliver it to her, along with a red camellia he had picked himself the night before. He couldn’t bring himself to do it, not when his body, heart, and soul were yearning for her with every passing second. He feared that if he saw her again, even for a second, he would never be able to leave her. Yes… He wouldn’t be able to do it at all.
Suiren began to prepare him, but he wasn’t paying attention to his surroundings; his thoughts were consumed by memories of her. She looked at him through the mirror while she styled his hair, silently observing. It wasn’t the time for conversation; she understood the situation well. Suiren understood why he hadn’t uttered a word since she entered the room.
She knew what her grandson was currently experiencing, and she found it rather unfair. However, she wouldn’t dare to speak those words aloud. Instead, she closed her eyes while continuing to tend to his hair, silently praying that he would return home safe and sound. Yes, that was all she desired—for them to be together.
Time passed, and Gaoshun returned to report the successful delivery of the letter. They had to depart immediately; a long journey lay ahead of them. Jinshi walked with a stern face, trying to convince himself that he had cried enough, that he couldn’t cry anymore now. It was too late. He didn’t want to think about her, he didn’t want to look sad when he should look proud; but trying to forget someone only led to endless thoughts of them. So he walked with Gaoshun by his side, not as Jinshi but as the Moon Prince. Taking a deep breath, he made his way to the carriage in silence.
Gaoshun looked at him calmly, just like Suiren; he knew all too well how Jinshi was feeling at the moment. He vowed to protect Jinshi with his life in front of the emperor, but they both knew that danger couldn’t be avoided in times of war, not even for Ka Zuigestsu. The emperor had fallen sick, and so the responsibility to lead the country in battle fell on Jinshi. He had a duty, and they were all aware of it.
Jinshi looked at the garden full of medicinal plants she would probably love. He thought about giving them all to her—common herbs though they were, but she wasn’t one to refuse gifts. His heart beat fast at the thought of her. Everything he laid his eyes on reminded him of her. She was more than just a simple lover; she was his whole world.
As he left the palace, Jinshi was once again struck with an unbearable pain plaguing his heart. It was one that wasn’t curable, one that would leave scars for the rest of his life, and most importantly, one he couldn’t do anything about, no matter what. No doctor, no medicine would be able to ease his pain, only she would. Yes, only her… he smiled softly.
Looking up at the sky from the carriage window, he thought that by now, she would be awake. Soon she would discover what his future held, no, their future. The one they had been yearning for had just disappeared as if it were nothing. He thought that maybe they shouldn't have held back so much… That they could’ve had so much more while they still could, but unfortunately, they didn’t. They had hope; it was a gamble. The worst-case scenario was him becoming emperor, and they both didn’t want that. Little did they know back then that a much worse fate awaited them…
He felt relieved that he could leave her with a letter, one he wished she would cherish her whole life, one that held so much love. He didn’t know how she would react to it; he hadn’t thought about that. He only desired to leave her with words that would convey the same weight as his feelings. That’s all he hoped for.
As they were leaving the capital, thousands of civilians flooded the streets, waving goodbyes to their loved ones. Women and children cried at the sudden departure of their fathers, brothers, and even their sons. Jinshi discreetly looked at the crowd behind the carriage’s curtains, glancing at the faces of all those women. Perhaps he was wishing for her presence to bless him. Maybe he hoped to wave goodbye to her, to hear her voice in the crowd screaming his name and yearning for his safe return. He found the courage to chuckle amidst all these melancholy feelings, considering this an almost impossible scenario, knowing she wasn’t fond of such displays.
His lone wish was to be freely loved by the one he held dear in his heart. He often found himself wondering, was this too much to ask for? When deep down, he knew it was a foolish wish for him to have. After all, he was the Moon Prince; his status alone could never allow him to have that, not in this lifetime. His fingers released the curtain, and he clenched his fists. Gaoshun stared at him, knowing she was the one person in the entire world who could make him lose his composure. He recalled the moments when she was kidnapped by the Shi clan, shared a dance with Rikuson, and nearly fell from a tower while trying to save Lady Lishu — the list seemed endless. Yes he knew, Jinshi was thinking of her.
The mournful voices began to dissipate as they neared departure from the capital. Jinshi reminisced about every moment he spent with her; his heart felt warm as memories flowed through his head. He searched his robe for a medicine she had made for him, a pill that promotes sleep and relaxation. He looked at the miniature glass bottle in his right hand and smiled. He opened it, and Gaoshun immediately handed him a bottle full of water. He took one pill, swallowed it, and then took a second. Just as he was about to take a third, Gaoshun stopped him with a panicked look on his face. Jinshi nodded and put the pill back in the bottle.
He brought the bottle close to his heart and lay down. Gaoshun didn’t say a word aside from “Do you need anything, Sir Jinshi?”
Keeping his eyes closed he replied “No”. Gaoshun nodded and closed his eyes, lost in his own thoughts.
Jinshi had never been fond of medicine due to numerous bad experiences—enduring murder attempts through poison and countless days of forced rest. However, this was different; it was a gift, at least in his eyes. A special one he cherished wholeheartedly. It was the last one he received from her. Simple medicine though it was, but to him it meant much more than that.
After ten minutes, the medicine took effect. He still held the bottle firmly. A tear escaped from his eye as he mumbled in his sleep, “I miss you.”
His soul now wandered in his most precious dreams—a place where he found comfort in her presence next to him.