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Broken Hearted
They came to the park because it was the best place to see the stars. It isn’t the first time they’ve snuck out at night. For Steve, it wasn’t a big deal because Ma Sarah worked nights, but for Bucky, it was a little more complicated. Becca had a bad habit of telling on him when he did this, but seeing Steve was worth the trouble he’d get in later. Spending time with Steve was worth everything.
Tonight, they meet at the corner of Bucky’s block, heading into the park two blocks down. They don’t speak, they don’t need to. With how long they’ve known each other, it’s almost like they know what the other is thinking. Bucky wishes that was true. Once lying on the ground, Bucky whispers for just Steve. “Thanks for always comin with me.”
Steve looks over smiling and Bucky can’t stop his face from breaking into one too. “Of course.” Turning his head back to the sky, Steve adds, “Spending time with you is the best thing in the world.”
Oh, how Bucky wishes Steve meant that in a different way. Before leaving home, Becca had come into his room, sat on his bed next to him and asked, “Are you finally gonna tell him?” He tried to act like he didn’t understand, but she’d added, “If you do, I won’t tell mom and dad.”
So, here he is with that threat hanging over his head. Turning on his side, he just stares at Steve’s profile. Finally, Steve looks over again. “Whatcha doin, Buck? The stars aren’t on my face.”
He may only be sixteen, with no real practice in romance, but Bucky’s going to use that opening and say what he’s always thought. “You’re the brightest star there is, Steve.”
There’s a snort, a giggle, then Steve looks at him like it’s a joke. Seeing that Bucky isn’t laughing, he even looks a little heartbroken, Steve stops laughing. “Bucky, I’m not sure what you’re playin at...”
He doesn’t finish because Bucky leans in, kissing Steve with a quick peck. When he pulls away, Steve looks confused and maybe a little hopeful. “I’m not playin, Steve. I know it’s wrong, I know that it could get me hurt or maybe killed, but when I look at you, I see stuff I shouldn’t.” He’s whispering, hoping that Steve, with his bad hearing, can make out what he’s saying.
Steve rolls onto his side, staring into Bucky’s eyes. “What stuff?”
At fifteen, Steve’s still small, unattractive, in his own mind, but Bucky sees a world of things he wants. “I don’t wanna get slugged, but you’re so damned pretty, Steve. I know you got the disposition of a hellcat, but you’re just so pretty. I like your hellcat attitude and I’ll pull ya out of any fight and patch you up after for as long as you’ll let me.”
Bucky doesn’t have to see it to know that Steve’s blushing. He’s his own worst critic when it comes to his physical presence. “You don’t mean...”
With a shaky hand, Bucky caresses Steve’s cheek. “I do mean it. I don’t know what our future is gonna be, but I want it to be with you.”
Sitting up, Steve hugs his knees to his chest. “Buck, you could have anybody.”
“Maybe, but you’re who I want.” Looking over, Steve rests his cheek against his knees. And Bucky thinks that maybe he’s wrong, maybe it isn’t that Steve’s pretty; Steve’s beautiful. “I love you, Steve.”
Tears track down Steve’s cheeks, over his nose, and to the fabric of his pants. “I love you too, Bucky.”
Bucky jumps up, pulling Steve to his feet, hugging him so tight that Steve’s feet come off the ground, then spins him around. When he sits him down, Steve reaches up, touching Bucky in a way that he’s never let himself before. His thumb strokes across the apple of Bucky’s cheek and Bucky can’t keep his eyes open. It’s so much more than he thought it would be. “I wanna kiss you.”
Steve’s eyes dart around. “Here?”
Looking around, everything is deserted this late. “There’s no one around and I wanna kiss you out in the open, just this once.” He gets a defiant nod and leans in. It’s just a soft press of their lips, but it’s everything Bucky hoped. “I’m gonna love you forever, Steve.”
When Bucky finally starts to remember himself, it’s through a lens overshadowed by Steve. It seems, after examining what he remembers, that everything revolved around the man that claims to be his best friend. At first, it makes no sense, but the longer he’s on the run, the clearer the memories become. Steve wasn’t just his best friend; Steve was his world. Today, people would call what they shared a codependent relationship, but Bucky sees it for what it was: they were in love.
Returning to New York, Bucky needs to find Steve. After everything, there’s one thing that’s absolute: he loves Steve. He doesn’t try to break through security at the Tower, that would just bring too much attention. He waits, watching the Tower and the comings and goings of all the people.
After three days, he finally sees Steve. He’s about to run forward, when a blond woman takes Steve’s arm. To make matters worse, she leans up, kissing Steve’s cheek. Unknown to him, Bucky’s feet carry him closer to this devastating situation. Also unknown, tears are streaming down his face. “Steve?”
For nearly two years, he’s fought back to someone that’s, mostly, Bucky Barnes, but he doesn’t know who that is without Steve Rogers. The shock on Steve’s face is evident, he looks at the woman, realizing how this must look and pulls away from her. “Bucky? How did you...”
“Find you?” The tears don’t stop, and now, Bucky’s angry and hurt beyond anything he can remember feeling. “You live in a giant building in the middle of Manhattan, Steve! It wasn’t that hard to figure out where you were.” Turning, he starts to leave, but not before adding, “I just thought you would have missed me, maybe come looking.”
Steve reaches out, grabbing Bucky’s arm. The Winter Soldier wants to beat the man, like he did before, but the Bucky Barnes part of him can’t hurt this man, no matter what’s happening now. “I can explain, Buck.”
Turning, anger and tears showing, Bucky loses himself to the heartbreak. “Explain what, Steve? Are you sorry that you didn’t bother looking? Sorry that we made promises to each other decades ago? Sorry that I found out? Or just sorry for using me all those years until you found someone that fit into your life better?” Steve’s mouth opens and closes several times. “Keep your explanations and apologies.” With that, Bucky turns, leaving Steve standing on the sidewalk, tears on his face now.
Bucky doesn’t leave New York. The nice thing about a city this big is that the possibility of running into anyone you know isn’t very high. He goes home, unlike Steve, he goes back to what’s familiar. Using money he got from hidden Hydra accounts, Bucky takes a place in Brooklyn, just blocks away from where he grew up. He may not have Steve, but he’s going to have a home. He deserves a home. He spends his days decorating, cooking, and thinking about where he is in his life.
The nightmares come in waves and vary in terror. Some are about Hydra and what they did to him, some are about what he did as the Winter Soldier, and some are about Steve. Those keep him up all night. The waves of nightmares fluctuate between his own guilt and his own pain. He can’t change what Hydra made him and he can’t change what he did when he wasn’t in his right mind, but what haunts him is that if he’d never said anything to Steve, all those decades ago, maybe he could have changed the agony he feels now.
Sitting in his rooftop garden, Bucky looks out on a city that may be different, but nothing will ever feel like this. He can’t have his real home, so he’ll settle for this one. That night the worst nightmare yet unsettles him.
“Of course, I don’t love you anymore. If I ever did. How could I love someone that did everything you’ve done. You’re nothing but a monster. The blood on your hands can’t ever be washed away.” Steve’s face holds no empathy, no understanding, no friendship, and, definitely, no love.
Bucky wakes in a cold sweat, sobbing into the darkened room. He’s not going to sleep tonight. Getting up, he goes to the shower, cleans his body of the sticky sweat, but doesn’t stop sobbing. It’s been months since seeing Steve outside the Tower, almost six, at this point, and nothing lessens the pain. This dream will haunt him even longer than Hydra because this dream could explain why Steve is with someone new. It explains why Steve didn’t look for him. It explains everything.
Bucky allows himself to drown in what might have been.
It’s been almost a year since Bucky saw Steve outside the Tower. In that time, he’s set up a home, someplace that he feels comfortable. On his balcony and private rooftop, he’s planted flowers and herbs and inside, he’s made it warm. He can’t have a home with the person he wants, but he can have a home for himself. Like all New Yorkers, he watches the news and knows when the Avengers go out on a mission, but he doesn’t follow any social media. He doesn’t need to know that much about them. He just watches the news to make sure that Steve is still alive when they come home.
Just like every other week, Bucky heads out to the farmer’s market to pick up fresh produce for the week. It’s cloudy today; there’s a storm coming according to the news, and it matches Bucky’s mood. He isn’t expecting to be confronted by a familiar face. “Barnes?”
Looking up, he comes face to face with Sam Wilson, Steve’s new best friend. Searching his surroundings, Bucky’s checking for two things, first, an escape route, and second, Steve. “Wilson.” He doesn’t look into the man’s eyes because he knows that an accusation will be there.
“Hey, he’s not here. You don’t have to run.” Sam’s voice goes gentle, like he’s talking to a stray dog.
“I should go anyway.” Sam looks down into Bucky’s bag and sees nothing inside.
“It looks to me like you haven’t even started yet.” There’s a smile on his face as he grabs Bucky’s arm, pulling him into the stalls. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you. I had no idea that you were still in the city.” A chill runs through Bucky that isn’t from the colder weather.
“We have nothing to talk about, unless you want an apology for attacking you.” Bucky will freely give the apology if that’s what this is about.
“Man, you weren’t yourself then, and you don’t owe me anything from that period of your life.” It’s a surprise, but Bucky’s still looking for a way out of this situation. He doesn’t want to hear about Steve or anything else that surrounds Steve’s life.
“I can shop on my own. I don’t need help.” Sam chuckles and something about his personality reminds Bucky of himself, all those years ago.
“I wouldn’t assume you needed help, but I do have some things to say.” Bucky stops at the first stall and gets fruit. As he resumes his quest, Sam starts talking. “I wondered where you went, you know, after you saw...”
“Don’t talk about him. I’m doing fine.” Bucky stops at another stall, getting bread and pastries.
“If you’re so fine, then how come I can’t talk about him?” Bucky looks up, fury on his face. Sam doesn’t even step back.
“Tell me something, Wilson, if you had something truly painful that haunted you, would you want to talk to a stranger about it?” Sam has a second of guilt in his eyes, then clears his throat.
“During my last tour, I was on a mission with my wingman, Riley. They somehow got us on their radar and were firing on us. I took a hit, but it didn’t down me. Riley flew into my path, on the next round, on purpose, to cover me and they got him. I watched him fall out of the sky and couldn’t do anything. I walked away after that and couldn’t go back until your friend asked me to.” Sam’s eyes have reddened, and Bucky knows how hard that was to say. “The thing that your friend doesn’t know, is Riley was more than my friend.”
“Don’t call him my friend. He’s yours, not mine.” Taking a deep breath, Bucky gives a little. “He didn’t even look for me, Sam.”
The burst of laughter from Sam is explosive. “Are you kidding me, right now?” Bucky’s confused. “We looked for a year. All over the damned world, we looked. He wouldn’t give up. Then one day he looked at me over the breakfast table and said, ‘he doesn’t want to be found. I’ll just have to wait for him to come home.’”
“Then I did.” It means something that Steve did look, but he must have been looking for a friend and not what they were back then. “I came back to find that he didn’t want me anymore. He found something that fit into his life better than I would.”
Sam doesn’t volunteer anything after that. Bucky continues his shopping and Sam follows along, making comments about the things he’s buying. When he’s done, Bucky looks at Sam, nodding and heading home. By the time he walks in the door, he has to sit down in the entryway.
He does fine, living with his own demons, but having even a little part of Steve’s world near him, makes it hard to breathe. “Get a grip, Barnes, his life isn’t yours and you’ll never see Sam again.”
The storm that’s tearing through New York is worse than anything Bucky’s ever seen. He hasn’t been able to go out all day. His plan was to go down to the bodega and get a chicken, but that went out the window when the lightning started. He has everything he got yesterday at the market, so he’s fine on food. He brought the plants in from the roof and the balcony when they started blowing over.
It’s nearing nine and Bucky really hopes that the power doesn’t go out. Just to be safe, he goes into the utility closet and gets out the candles, placing them around the living room. It’s getting even colder now, and he can build a fire if need be. Gathering blankets, Bucky pulls everything he can from his bedroom and closet and into the living room. If the power does go out, he wants to be close to the fireplace. Creating a thick pallet on the floor, he sits, ready to turn the TV on for noise, while he reads.
The banging on the door makes him jump. Staring at the door, Bucky doesn’t move for several seconds. The banging happens again, causing another startle, but this time he goes over. Throwing it open, he finds Steve panting and drenched. “Steve?”
“I thought you would come back, thought you would pick a fight, so I could explain, but you didn’t.” His heavy breathing reminds Bucky of his asthma attacks back in the day. “I didn’t know you were in the city until Sam told me yesterday. You’ve been right here, and I could have come and talked to you, but you were so angry and hurt. I thought giving you time to calm down was the right thing to do, but Sam said that you were resigned to everything. I just...I need to...I did look...”
“I know.” Bucky doesn’t understand why Steve would be here and because his mind is spiraling, he doesn’t think to invite Steve in.
When he starts talking again, Bucky’s not sure because of the rain, but Steve seems to be sobbing out the words. “I did look and when I couldn’t find you, I thought you didn’t want me anymore. I should have kept looking anyway and made you say it, then that day on the street, you saw...”
Now Bucky’s sure that Steve’s crying because his voice breaks. “You don’t owe me anything, Steve. You have your new life.”
Looking up, Steve’s eyes are red and swollen. “I don’t have a life. I thought I could make one, but nothing felt right. Everything is wrong, it’s been wrong since I woke up. Then you were there, and I could feel my heart beating again, but I fucked it up and lost you. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. I keep running into fights, ready to die because nothing feels like it’s supposed to.”
Leaning into the door frame, Steve sobs again. Bucky hauls him into the apartment. “Don’t you dare say that! Don’t you dare go into battle lookin to die!”
“I got nothin, Buck. Life ain’t supposed to feel like a slow death.” The lights flicker and Bucky looks at Steve.
“Sit down, while I light some candles.” They flicker again. Bucky makes his way around the living room, lighting everything he put out earlier. As he sits the last one down, the lights flicker and go out. Shaking his head, Bucky goes into the kitchen, to the utility closet, getting wood. “I was hoping this wouldn’t happen.”
When he goes to set up the fire, Steve’s still standing looking around. “It’s nice here. Warm. Been a long time since I’ve been warm.”
“I’m not gonna be cold anymore. I’ve had enough of that.” Bucky gets the fire going and puts the extra wood in the basket next to the fireplace. “I told myself that any place I got had to have a natural warmth to it, then I put everything together with that idea in my head. After seeing you that day, things were cold again, for a while.”
“I’m sorry.” Steve takes a step forward. “I’m so sorry. I misread what was happening and I didn’t realize that Sharon was interested like that, I thought we were friends, she thought we were something else, but after seeing you and how hurt you were, I realized how it looked.”
“Are.” He looks over his shoulder seeing that Steve doesn’t understand what he means. “I’m still hurt, but I’m learning to live with it.”
“You don’t gotta, Buck. You don’t gotta live with it. You can let me make it better. Make it up to you.” Shaking his head, Bucky looks into the fire. “I guess I should go then.”
“You’re not goin back out in this.” Stopping in his tracks, Steve turns back. “I’m havin a hard time trusting what you’re sayin, Steve.”
He doesn’t want to move because he’s already made a puddle on the floor where he is, so Steve just starts talking. “When you went off the side of the train, my heart broke into a million pieces. It felt like I died that day. I woke up here and still felt like I was just moving through things and not really breathing. When I woke up on the shore, you pulled me out of that water, and I thought that meant you remembered me. Remembered us, but then you didn’t come home. I waited. When you didn’t come home, I went looking for you. I pulled every thread that Natasha told me to leave alone. I didn’t care what anyone else thought. I just needed you.”
Bucky turns from the fire, sitting in the blankets. “I didn’t realize that I was waiting for you too, until it was too late. By the time I knew, I’d already come here, back to New York.”
“It’s never too late. Not with us. It’s never too late.” Steve looks like he may cry again as he pleads out the words.
Getting up, Bucky doesn’t move closer, but he does point down the hall. “Go get showered and warmed up. There are extra sweats in the closet. I’ll fix something to eat.” Steve looks like he wants to say something else, but Bucky points. “Go.”
Once he’s out of the room, Bucky cleans up the water and goes into the kitchen. Pulling out the fixings for sandwiches, he starts putting them together. If the power is out too long, the food will go bad, so he needs to use as much as he can. He can hear the shower, then he hears Steve moving around in the bedroom. Setting up, picnic style, in the blankets, Bucky waits. Steve comes in, looking meek and embarrassed. Bucky waves him over and they sit, eating and watching each other.
“This is really good bread.” There’s something about the darkened room that keeps everything quiet. Steve’s words are just whispers.
“I get it and the cheese from the farmer’s market where Wilson found me.” Steve’s chewing, but shakes his head.
“He wasn’t looking for you. He just happens to have some guys from his unit that live in Red Hook.” Bucky nods, but doesn’t respond. “How much do you remember?”
“I remember everything.” Bucky looks into the fire. “I have some family that still lives near here, but I haven’t been to see them. Don’t know how they’d feel about me now.”
“They’d be as proud as I am. You survived, Bucky. After everything, you survived.” Bucky gives a melancholy smile and continues eating. Over the months since the Tower incident, he hasn’t really felt like he’s surviving.
They finish up the food and Bucky takes the plates into the kitchen, coming back with sliced plums and apples. “I don’t have anything sweet, except this.”
“This is good.” They continue eating, now and then, cutting their eyes to the other one. “Why does it feel like we don’t even know how to be friends anymore?”
“Because we don’t, Steve. Too much water under the bridge, I guess.” Getting up on his knees, Steve looks like he used to before picking a fight.
“I don’t accept that! All of this is a misunderstanding, and you are my best friend!” Shaking his head again, Bucky looks up into Steve’s eyes.
“You have Sam now. You don’t need me.” The tears do come back then. They stream silently down Steve’s face.
“I never needed anything but you.” Sitting back down, Steve seems close to pulling Bucky into a hug, but thinks better of it. The silence stretches for seconds, then minutes. Steve huffs, taking on that determination when he knows he’s about to do something stupid. “Here’s how it’s gonna be, Buck. I’m gonna show up here every day, I’m gonna ask you to coffee or lunch or maybe just a walk, I’m gonna do everything to annoy you with my presence, until you agree to, at least, be my friend again. If I can convince you to allow me to have more, then I’ll take that too. I’m gonna give you so much attention, you’ll think I’m stalkin ya.”
Closing his eyes, Bucky can’t help the smile. He recognizes this guy. This is his Steve. “Steve, I’m not the same guy. In my nightmares you call me a monster.”
That’s all he can take and Steve pulls Bucky into a hug. His words are whispered into Bucky’s hair. “You are not and never will be a monster to me. You are the person I love the most. Hell Bucky, when you’re around, I can’t even see anything or anyone else. It’s like my brain doesn’t see anything but you and I won’t even get us started on what my heart thinks.”
Bucky clings to Steve, holding on to his foundation. “What does your heart think?” Maybe it’s fishing and maybe Bucky just really needs to hear it.
“My heart thinks you’re still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, and it only beats because you’re here.” Pulling back, Steve cups Bucky’s face. “I love you and only ever loved you. And if my heart were making all the decisions, I’d be moving in here tomorrow and never leave you alone again.”
Bucky starts to cry, but it’s not the same as before. These tears aren’t a resignation. These tears are relief, joy, love. “How can you be sure?”
“Because the only thing I was ever sure of was you.”
Steve has to stay at Bucky’s for two days. The storm doesn’t let up during that time, but Steve has plans. The first morning, he goes to look over Bucky’s plants and finds that the peonies are still blooming. He picks some of them and sprinkles them around the blankets where Bucky’s still sleeping. The power is back on, and Steve makes breakfast. When Bucky tries to get up and help, Steve insists that he stay in the blankets.
Serving him on a tray, Steve sits on the pallet, watching how he moves. He’s different, quieter in his movements, more economic with his body, but still beautiful. “What are you looking at?”
Steve blushes, having been caught. “I’m just watching you and trying to decide if how much I love you could possibly grow.”
That night, Bucky makes dinner, telling Steve they need to sit at the table. “We can’t live in the blankets, Steve.”
“I don’t know who told you that, but that’s as good as putting the sofa cushions on the floor when we were kids.” They eat at the table, then go back to the blankets, sitting shoulder to shoulder and watching TV. When they sleep, Steve takes the sofa, leaving the downy blankets to Bucky.
The second morning, Bucky wakes to find Steve playing with the fingers of his left hand. “You okay, Steve?”
“I know how you got it and I know what you went through, but it’s beautiful, just like the rest of you.” He slips off the sofa, pulling Bucky in to cuddle. “I love all of you.”
“I love all of you too.”
As the storm clears, Steve goes with Bucky, up to the roof, to check for damage. Looking out over the city, Steve sighs. “I guess I should head back to the Tower before they come looking for me.”
“You wanna pack a bag and come back?” Steve turns, checking Bucky for the insecurity he hears in the question.
“Buck, if I pack a bag, I’m likely to pack everything and move in.” Bucky’s looking at the ground, but he gives a quick smile.
“You sure that’s a bad thing?” There’s a little shrug along with the question.
That quiet countenance that Steve has been seeing is back. There’s uncertainty and he needs to make Bucky understand that he’s loved. “This is what I think we should do. You listenin?” Bucky nods, finally looking up. “I’m gonna go back to the Tower, tonight I’m gonna pick you up and take you out, on a date, because we’ve never done that before. Then tomorrow, I’m gonna pick you up for breakfast and we’re gonna keep goin on dates until you trust me again.”
He’s not sure where the next question comes from, but Bucky has to ask. “Is this our might have been?” Bucky’s shyness is new, and Steve can’t say that he’s not charmed by it.
“This is exactly our might have been.” He kisses Bucky’s forehead. “But it’s not a might have been anymore.”
Sometime in the afternoon, Bucky gets a text from Steve. ‘Dress nice.’
Chuckling down at his phone, he sends an affirmative. “What are you up to, Steve Rogers?” The plants don’t answer, and Bucky keeps working on them. By the time he gets into the shower, he’s nervous. There’s no reason to be, but there’s a voice, that sounds a lot like his own, in the back of his mind worrying that Steve won’t show.
At 7:30, on the dot, the front bell rings.
When he opens the door, he finds Steve, holding flowers, dressed to the nines. Bucky’s in dark slacks and a black sweater with his hair pulled back into a half-bun. Steve just stands there with his mouth open, then finally says, “You look amazing.”
“And you look like a man with a plan.” That causes Steve to snort and hand over the flowers. “You didn’t have to get me flowers.”
“But I wanted to, so I did.” Taking them into the kitchen, Bucky puts them in water and turns to find Steve watching him.
“What?” Clearing his throat, Steve comes over, taking Bucky’s hand and kissing his knuckles.
“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but you seem softer now than when we were stupid kids.” He’s cradling Bucky’s hand to his chest.
Stepping in a little closer, Bucky smiles. “I think, maybe, I’ve always wanted to be softer, but didn’t know how to do that. Since figuring out what I wanted, making a home, I got to be that guy and not what everyone told me to be.”
Steve reaches to grasp Bucky’s hair, running it between his fingers. “I want you to be whoever you choose to be. I don’t have any expectations you have to live up to; I just want you to be you.”
The restaurant is nice, really nice, and Bucky’s not sure he’s dressed appropriately. He’s nervous again, hoping that he doesn’t embarrass Steve because out here, in the general population, Steve is Captain America and there’s a reputation that goes with that. “How did you find this place?”
The waiter comes over, taking their drink order. Steve leans into Bucky’s space. “Pepper got the reservation for me. She said that they’re discreet and the food is good.”
“If you see anyone trying to take a picture, let me know and I’ll move over some.” Bucky’s looking around to see how much space he has to move his chair, when Steve grabs it and pulls him as close as possible.
“You aren’t going anywhere. I don’t care about pictures or people talking. My life is mine to live as I see fit and everyone else can fuck off.” Bucky stares blankly at Steve, then starts to giggle. Leaning in, Steve takes his hand again, kissing it then caresses Bucky’s cheek with his nose.
“Steve.” It’s just a breathy whisper.
“I miss you, Buck. I miss everything.” Steve looks up when the waiter comes back, sitting their drinks down, but not moving from Bucky’s personal space. “And when I said discreet, I meant they protect their patrons from prying eyes.”
When the waiter leaves again, Bucky leans in and kisses Steve. It’s the first time since they both came back to themselves and it’s better than Bucky’s remembers. “Tonight, I want you to stay with me. And I don’t mean on the sofa.” It may be too soon, and Bucky knows that he’s been hurt, but now that he has the offer of Steve being with him, he can’t help but listen to his heart.
“Are you sure?” Bucky nods vigorously and Steve’s smile blooms across his face like never before. “If I stay, I’m not leaving. I’m never leaving you again.”
As they get inside the apartment, after dinner, Steve backs Bucky into the nearest wall, kissing like they used to in their old shitty walkup. Steve’s lips leave his and Bucky chases them with his own. The only sound is the heavy breathing of both men as Steve sucks at Bucky’s neck. Bucky’s vision blurs and he knows that he’s crying. He’d accepted that he would never feel this again and yet, he’s here, with Steve, feeling the same rush he felt all those years ago.
“I love you.” Steve’s voice is broken, like he’s crying too. “I always loved you.” Raising his head, Steve looks into the damp eyes of the only person that ever made him feel seen and accepted. “Baby, please don’t cry. I’ll spend the rest of my life making all of this up to you.”
Bucky sniffles, trying to smile. “Don’t live your life making up for things. Just love me like you used to.”
With a gentle sweep of his finger, Steve brushes wavy tendrils behind Bucky’s ear. “I love you more now than I did then. I’ll love you more tomorrow than I do right now.”
For months Bucky wakes each morning, hoping that Steve hasn’t changed his mind. That split second of doubt has him lying in bed, saying a silent prayer that everything is as it was the night before. Each morning, Steve brings coffee to him, kisses him with a smile, and says, “I’m still not going anywhere.”
This morning, Bucky doesn’t wake with dread, but with a clear mind. Getting up, he shuffles into the kitchen finding that Steve isn’t in the apartment. Instead of falling apart, he goes to the coffee maker and finds the note. Reading it through, he giggles to himself. “Who knew that Steve Rogers was going to end up being a romantic softy.”
Dear Bucky,
I went for breakfast. When I get back, you better still be in bed because I want to spoil you like you deserve. Get your coffee and then get back in bed, so I can serve you. I watched you sleeping this morning and it never ceases to amaze me how beautiful you are. My heart beats faster every time I look at you.
I love you endlessly,
Steve
Getting his coffee, Bucky heads back to the bedroom. Once he’s settled, he hears the door and grins around the mouth of the cup. From the bedroom he can hear Steve moving around, opening cabinets and the clink of plates. Then he hears something he isn’t expecting. “You should go investigate and say hi to your other daddy.”
Confusion mars his face and Bucky sits up, about to ask what’s going on. He’s not expecting a little furry face to peek around the doorframe. “What the hell?” The kitten is snow white, with huge blue eyes and a pink collar. “Who are you?”
The kitten mews up at him, then sinks its claws into the bedding, making an awkward climb up the side of the bed. Once on the blanket, it stumbles over to Bucky, sniffing his finger. Picking it up, Bucky nuzzles against the white fur, then holds the kitten up, so he can get a better look at it. Hanging from the pink collar is a wedding ring.
He doesn’t notice Steve standing in the doorway holding a tray of food because all of his focus is on the ring. “What do ya say, Buck? Wanna marry your childhood sweetheart?”
Looking over, Bucky is flushed and crying. “Yes, I want to marry him more than I’ve ever wanted anything.”
Coming to the bed, Steve sits the tray on the blanket, reaching out for the kitten. He unties the string holding the ring in place, taking Bucky’s hand and slipping the ring on. “Oh, and this little girl is Alpine. I didn’t pick her name, so you can change it if you want to.”
Taking the kitten back, Bucky snuggles her to his chest. “I think Alpine is perfect.” She looks over at the tray and starts to squirm to get down. “I think she’s hungry.”
“I have her bowl on the tray too, so she can have her breakfast while we eat.” Slipping his clothes off, Steve crawls back in bed and arranges the food. Alpine’s bowl sits on a towel on the blankets, and she devours it like she’s never eaten in her life.
“I can’t believe you got us a kitten.” Watching the kitten, Bucky can’t stop smiling.
Steve takes his chin carefully with his finger and thumb. “Thank you.”
Leaning in, Bucky kisses his fiancé. “For what?”
“For giving me a chance. For loving me like you do. For being everything, I ever wanted in a husband.” He gives Bucky a kiss.
“I’m not your husband yet, so after breakfast, let’s start planning that.” The kitten sits by her bowl, licking her tiny paws, then curls up and lays by Bucky’s leg. Bucky smiles down at how cute she is and looks back up at Steve. “Yeah, we’ve got a kid now, Steve, we hafta get married quick or people will talk.”