Chapter Text
Wallpaper
Riley Andersen stared at the colorful wax candles much differently then she used to look at them. Sixteen didn’t feel much different than the last year the cake was placed in front of her, or the year before. She was still five feet and six inches. Still ahead of her class. Still had the bracey smile. And still vital to the Varsity hockey team. Maybe her cooking skills had improved. She could cook Mac n Cheese without burning it. If anything she stared at the candles with trepidation. Sophomore year had actually been slightly more stressful than last year. Her counselors pointed out colleges and pushed the A.C.T’s Recruiters came to every game. And teachers warned about how graduation was just around the corner. Didn’t she still have three years left? Yet it felt like at any moment she’d be walking down the stage in a robe and tassel. The cake wasn’t appetizing. The same vanilla base, smothered in buttercream, topped with rainbow sprinkles. The daunting numbered candles flickering slightly as her parents stood behind her finishing singing. She never knew what to do during the tune. Only sat in the chair awkwardly waiting for it to be over. She puffed out the flame, her parents burst into an excitable yell as the smoke twirled. Her dad slid into a chair beside her, doing the dorky thing where he rubbed his hands together dramatically. Her mom took a cake knife and distributed slices.
“So… how was practice?” Jill asked, sliding a piece on a ceramic plate that scraped the wood uncomfortably.
“ Today was pretty good actually. Coach says my slap shots are improving,” It wasn’t a lie. Though she had mastered slapshots a long time ago. But here recently there was a scratch at her mind to talk about something else. And the sentence was merely to get her by. Riley shifted in her chair, taking a fork and poking at the fluffy vanilla slice.
“Way to go monkey,” Her dad ruffled a quick hand through her once neat blonde strands. She quickly swiped his hand away, fixing the mess he stirred into her bangs.
“ I told you to stop doing that,” She warned, her dad simply shrugged in response. Then he shoveled a forkful of cake into his smile. They always talked about hockey. Dad always brought up work. Just as mom always spoke about family drama on social media. Suddenly the oak chair felt agonizing beneath her. Riley’s leg started a bounce lightly rattling the glasses of milk on the table. She twisted her lips and prodded at the flakey cake as her parents spoke amongst themselves. She didn’t want to talk about practice. No, she wanted to ask how to know if you liked someone. She’d been debating for weeks now on when she could bring it up to her parents. Riley started sliding the crumbs in the frosting until it was a chunky unappetizing mixture. She first noticed something was different when her team captain had gotten a little too close in the locker room. Or the several times Val would reach behind her to grab something. Nearly every night now she stared into her once star-filled ceiling and thought about the way she felt when they had little moments like those.
Usually it started in her cheeks, where her blood would turn hot and pool in the skin. She usually had to duck her head quickly to avoid the obvious blushing when Val would accidentally touch her hands. The touches made her skin prickle, and tingly. It was one of the hardest things to shake. Especially since it was so easy to focus on the essence of where the contact had been. Her stomach always felt upside down when Val merely talked to her. It twisted her throat and jammed up her brain, making her say really dumb things in response.
“What’s going on Ri?” Her mother stared at her with her wide brown eyes. They begged for Riley just to blurt what was banging behind her skull.
“ Nothing,” She answered nonchalantly. Resting her fork on the plate and scooting the chair loudly against the tile. She tossed her uneaten slice in the bin and twisted the nozzle of the faucet. It wasn’t that Riley thought they wouldn’t understand. She knew her parents. They would hug her and tell her they loved her all the same. But then they would have a million questions. And they would totally get weird around her. Riley already acted dumb around her. She didn’t need her parents to add to it. Asking them felt very confirmational. And if Riley liked Val that meant she needed to decide on whether to keep it a secret or tell her. You can’t tell her. Right so the only option was to pretend like the smiles across the rink meant nothing to her.
Riley scrubbed the plate with ferocity. She was dying to talk about the way Val’s hair smelled when she pulled it into a pony-tail. The way Val smiled at her just before she passed the puck to her. She could talk about the way Val spoke to her and Riley suddenly forgot how to speak English entirely. Riley squeezed her eyes remembering the first time Val laughed at her stammer and cringed lightly in distaste.
“Well you know we’re always here for you Riley,” Her dad called from behind her.
“ Mhm,” Riley answered, letting the frosting and cake mixture sink down the drain. Her mother added two more plates to the sink, planting a kiss on her cheek and giving Riley a tight squeeze around her shoulders. Riley pivoted just as her dad planted himself in the armchair in the living room. She caught her mother’s attention with a soft tone, “Mom?”
Jill searched her face with creased eyebrows. A gentle look she wore to prove she was listening. Riley left the plates turning the faucet off, then wiped her soapy hands nervously on her jeans, “ I actually wanted to ask you something.” Mom would get it. She would at least be less strange about it.
“Anything sweetie,” She looked over her shoulder before crossing her arms and leaning against the counter giving Riley her full attention. Riley twisted her fingers nervously pulling and stretching the skin the more she over thought exactly what to say next.
“ I think I like someone,” She watched her mother’s reaction very closely. Watched for her eyes to widen. Watched for any questions to formulate. But somehow her mother stayed neutral. Her delicate features never shifted in demeanor. Riley immediately wanted to retreat, crawl beneath her covers and sort the whole thing out herself. But her mom crossed her arms, and it seemed impartial.
“Okay,” She spoke finally, nodding her head, “And does this someone know you’re interested in her?” Her? Riley furrowed her brows tightly. How does she know she’s a girl? Riley’s eyes widened, if mom knew about Val the how subtle had Riley been about liking her. And if mom knew- Val had to already know. Maybe that’s why Val couldn’t stay yesterday after practice. Maybe it was why she had subtly scooted away on the bench in the locker room the other day. Her throat dried, and her chest clenched.
“ ” Riley blurted before dashing around the counter.
“Wait- honey- it’s fine! It’s okay!” Riley was already shooting up the stairs to quickly retreat to the safety of her bedroom. She could curl beneath the covers and stare at the essence of stars on the ceiling. The ugly sticky residue watching over her as she threw herself on the worn mattress. The metal squeaking and shifting in the sudden weight. She laid flat for a while. Her hands on her stomach. If Val was already taking those precautions to distance herself then she was stupid for having this itch to tell her how she felt. Riley twisted on her side. Her ponytail, uncomfortable against the crook of her neck. She reached for her phone on the nightstand.
Riley smiled against her pillow. One that filled her cheeks, and swelled her eyes. It stirred her heartbeat. Val knew how to do that. Take her calamity and mold it into something that no longer mattered. Riley didn’t know if it was intentional, it didn’t matter. Not when she was smiling or feeling content.
Riley wasn’t just ‘not into football’ she despised it. A bunch of upperclassmen running up and down a field? It was boring. At least during hockey you had something to watch, players slip, some getting slammed into the plexiglass. And on rare occasions moments of flared tension and the occasional elbow to the face. Still, Riley stared at the message, it was more time with Val. She was just thankful that the past few days had just been maybe Riley misreading things. Perhaps Val didn’t know anything about her stupid crush after all.
Riley shook her head, deleting the message, then twisted her lips.
Ten… ten minutes? Riley glanced at the time in the top right hand corner of her phone, then sprung to her feet. Most of her clothes were dirty. She had to somehow pull something reasonable together to wear. She frantically searched through her closet. Most of the hangers were empty so she had incredibly limited choices. Mostly tees and old sweaters. It would be way too cold to wear any of the tee shirts without a jacket. And her favorite was somewhere amongst the many piles. Possibly even at the bottom. Puffing her cheeks she yanked at the choices looking over each but finding nothing that stood out. Her hands fell on the sleeve of her old foghorn sweatshirt. The orange character worn and cracked, the stripes at the sleeves barely visible. Riley fingered the comfy material debating on the homely feel of it. And as much as she wanted to wear something that would bring her that reminiscent smile, she reached for the Firehawk jersey behind it. Val gave it to her freshman year when she made the team. She combined it with a long sleeved tee (just in case it got too cold) and swapped the jeans she wore today for a darker and fresher pair. She tucked just the front behind the button of her jeans, puffing the front and shimmying in the fit to make sure it fell loose. It did. It was two sizes too big.
She stood in front of her mirror undoing the pony-tail she always wore. She tried a bun, then let it fall back to her shoulders. Then a half-do, shook her head. She finally pulled the strands back into the ponytail and darted towards the door. Her mom just outside as she yanked at the door knob.
“Where are you going?” Her mom placed her hands on her hips. She forgot to say something first. For a brief moment she had forgotten she needed permission at all.
“Football game with Val and the team, is that alright?”
“Now?” Her mom raised an eyebrow, her stance standing firm. She longed for the day when she could just walk out her front door without questions asked, “Look- Riley I just want you to trust me, talk to me. If you like someone I wanna be able to help.” This is why she never should have said anything. Her parents got weird when she talked to them about Justin. A boy she dated in middle school. It lasted less than a week. But they started asking about how they were doing, if they kissed yet, and prodding and picking for information. When she broke up with him it got worse. She told them it was because he sucked at school, and all he ever did was talk about music. Really it was because he smelled bad and he didn’t like the way his hands felt. Not to mention the kiss had been so incredibly awkward she thought about it randomly when she was trying to close her eyes.
“And as much as I appreciate that-” She fibbed, stepping past her letting her mom follow her down the stairs, “” She wouldn’t talk about it later. She wouldn’t talk about it today, or tomorrow. It was best just to pretend that her mom had imagined the whole conversation so she would let it go.
“What time will you be home?”
“Mom,” Riley countered abrasively.
“What time?”
“Eleven,” She made up at the bottom of the steps. She didn’t know how long the game would last. She would have to relay her new curfew to Val before her mom blamed her for being late.
“Then that’s when we’ll talk about it.” Riley shook her head looking over to her dad seated on the sofa with a remote in his hand. She released a breath and pushed out the front door just as Val pulled by the curb in her new bright red car. Anarya and Aubry were fighting for sight in the back window.
“There’s the birthday girl!” The girls shouted in unison. Riley thinned her lips in an awkward smile and peered in the front. Usually, that was where Brie sat.
“Hop in Minnesota! Birthday girl gets dibs on the front,” Val spoke from the driver’s seat through the passenger window. Riley shoved her excitement, stuffed it as far as she could so she didn’t break out into a dance before opening the car door, “Ready to pretend we understand football?” The car jerked.
The entry was crowded. A long line that was taking forever to get through. Riley instinctively clung onto Val like a lost puppy, gripping the sleeve of her sweater. She watched with wide eyes as people shoved past, or reached around them. She had grown a hate for such crowds, she forgot that was usually what accompanied such events. If she had remembered that crucial detail she might’ve declined the offer. At the gate Riley noticed she had been holding so tightly Val had to keep repositioning the sweater over her shoulder. She swiftly let go, wrapping her arms around herself. She mumbled an apology only Val could hear before looking around to advert Val’s smiley stare. Maybe she should have been paying closer attention to how Val reacted to the closeness. But she had been too focused on the fear within the crowd to even think about- A shoulder slammed into hers. Riley was the first to glance at the sudden aggressor, then Val. Quickly followed by Aubry and Anarya. The boy threw up his hands in surrender at the stare.
He wasn’t wearing the Dark Navy and Red of the Firehawks. But the mint green and white of the opposing team. On a normal day she might’ve had more to say besides the flicker of annoyance, and a light twitch in her eye. But she was so overwhelmed she simply rolled her shoulders and watched as Val handed the vendor a crisp twenty dollar bill.
“What a jerk,” Val commented, extending her wrist for a stamp. Riley copied before they were waived through. Riley simply nodded, “Hey, are you alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine- just,-” Admitting the inundated feeling would ruin the entire energy of the night. It was her birthday. And they were supposed to be here to have fun, “Who are we playing against anyways?” Riley finished coolly.
“Good question,” Val shrugged, “Guess we’ll figure it out,” She lightly tapped Riley’s arm with her elbow in banter. That smile almost made Riley forget about the swarm of teenagers and families around her. It was bright, bubbly, safe, and tender care Val seemed to show only to her to make her feel better. Riley showed her braces only feeling comfortable with the Captain to expose them in a wide smile.
The football stadium lights glinted in the earthy amber of Val’s eyes as she scanned the stands. The heat in Riley’s cheeks she quickly covered with a quick glance to her left. God pull yourself together Riley. Do not make it so obvious. Stupid, Stupid-
“You get special VIP access to the senior section,” Val led them up the steps to a small part of the bleachers by the band. She didn’t get why there was such a dedicated place. Perhaps it was because it looked so abused that normal spectators would never sit here. Hundreds of names etched into the brick half-paneled railing. Painted text all along the metal bleachers. She could see the gum protruding off the bleachers above them. She made note to keep her hands in her lap the entire time. Val yanked Riley into an empty spot, pivoting to face her. She was burning up, and her chest was so tight she couldn’t quite figure out just how she felt. Riley tried to stare at the red in Val’s hair to keep from her eyes, but sometimes they drifted and all she could think about was how pretty she was.
Val dug in her pockets, now she held a few tiny black containers. Val brushed the messy blonde bangs from Riley’s already sticky forehead. The touch was quick and meaningless- still it made the spot feel tingly, and the air felt thicker. The band started up a jubilant tune just as Val dipped her finger in red paint. Using her thumb to smear the color against her right cheek.
“There now you look like you belong,” Riley tried not to read too much into the comment, instead she delved into the feeling of soft touch, and the smooth feeling as the finger ran along her cheek.
Riley creased the corner of her lips. She could tell her now, while the band was playing and nobody else could hear her. Or she could just lean in- that would be incredibly stupid. Still she would imagine in moments alone what her lips would taste like against hers. Val liked chocolate. A lot. Riley often imagined pressing into them would have a richness and velvety taste, “Look at you!” The click of the paint container brought her back to reality. She twisted and faced the field, thankful to be able to fill her lungs to their full potential where she had been holding it as Val touched her. She hadn’t even realized it had already started till she eyed the players running along the field.
“Hey Val!” Even though the name didn’t belong to Riley she followed the call to the steps they had just emerged from. She didn’t recognize the girl signaling for Val with the tilt of her head.
“Shit, Um- You stay put, I’ll be right back,”
“Oh, okay, yeah,” Val was already standing before Riley responded. Sliding past her to join her friend at the staircase and disappearing below. Riley scooted to the edge of the bleacher tapping her foot lightly. Beyond today she would never accept another invitation to a home game. The band was far too loud, way too many people. She clutched her arms around herself using the motion to hide the subtle glances for her other teammates.
They hadn’t followed them into the section she realized.
She was alone up here. She should’ve offered to come. Or at least used an excuse to get up and leave.
But they had only sat down moments ago.
Until the minutes turned into a full quarter of the game, then into halftime. Riley’s foot now tapped at a steady pace. Up down, Updown, Updownupdown, Where did she go? Riley stood suddenly, distraught classmates groaned as she blocked their view to exit, taking the exact same route Val had. She stuck to the wall to guide her steps into the alley behind the bleachers. Riley tucked her hands beneath her armpits using the warmth to bring the blood back to the surface. She meandered through families searching subtly for the red bangs of her friends. She couldn’t find them. They wouldn’t leave without her, right? She glanced at her phone confirming zero missed calls, and empty notifications. She glanced through the concessions, maybe they were caught in a line? Maybe they went to the bathroom and lost track of time?
She only saw it in her peripheral vision at first. The familiar figure beneath the dark of the bleachers. Riley came to a sudden halt when she realized it was the captain. And she almost shouted after her, relieved the search was over. But she wasn’t alone. And she certainly wasn’t accompanied by the girls. It was a figure much taller than Val.
“Hey keep moving,” Someone muttered past Riley. But she was frozen staring into the dark of the bleachers. The stranger’s hand was along her back, and Val had her lips pressed on his. Her feet begged her to not watch. It’s okay. Val didn’t know her feelings. Val didn’t like girls- Val abandoned her to make out with someone beneath the bleachers- Val abandoned her to make out with the stranger who shoved into her earlier, under the bleachers. Which somehow made it worse than what the scene already was. It should have been her. If Riley had just told Val maybe… maybe. Her vision was cloudy, she felt sick. Really sick. Her stomach threatened the return of the frosting flavor from earlier. Her vision, sappy and face hot. She pressed a hand to her mouth holding in the bile now rising up her throat. She sprinted towards the gate, shoving against backs unable to apologize just needing to escape. She barely made it past before he had to hide in a corner and toss the contents into the grass. The vendor that ushered them in earlier watched her quietly wipe her mouth and check her clothes.
“Do you need to see a med?-”
“No,” Riley interrupted in a snap. She could call her mom. She’d be here in an instant. But she would have a lot of questions she didn’t feel much like answering. Ever. Tears swelled in her eyes as she walked the maze of the parking lot. It was easy to ignore her stinging ears and numbing feet when her chest hurt so much. It’s okay, she repeated over and over again. She didn’t know. It’s going to be okay.