Work Text:
Asgard
“Mommy, do you love me?” Loki asked.
“Of course I do!” Frigga said.
“Do you love me more than you love Thor?”
“I love you both equally!”
“Come on, tell me the truth!” Loki said. “Thor’s not around to hear it!”
“Okay, the truth is…”
Avengers Tower
“So… you’re telling me that Thor is homeless?” Steve Rogers said.
“He most likely is,” Bruce Banner said. “Why else would he make up the whole Asgardian prince thing?”
“Good point,” Steve said. “He must not be able to cope with reality!”
“Exactly!” Bruce said. “There are plenty of other signs, too.”
“Ooh, tell me!” Steve said. “I want to know, so that I can properly for him!”
“He’s so stinky and dirty all the time!” Bruce said. “He probably has nowhere to bathe!”
“He’s welcome to bathe here,” Steve said. “He just doesn’t want to, for some reason.”
“Yeah, he’s gross like that,” Bruce said. “It’s not like he’s shy or anything, seeing how quick he is to eat our food…”
“Oh, poor thing!” Steve said. “He must be starving!”
“That’s the thing,” Bruce said. “He is in pretty good shape for a starving person, though…”
Thor entered the room.
“Hey, guys!” he said. “What are you talking about?”
Asgard
“It’s not fair!” Loki whined. “Why does Thor get a feast every week?”
“Because your daddy really likes Thor for some reason. I have no idea why. He isn’t nearly as cute and funny as you are!” Frigga said.
“I wish I could have a feast…” Loki grumbled.
“You’re always invited to the feasts, sweetie,” Frigga said. “Unless you’ve been bad…”
“I don’t just want to be invited!” Loki shouted. “I want a feast for myself!”
“Well, then,” Frigga said. “I may have an idea…”
Avengers Tower
“I don’t know how to bathe on my own!” Thor said. “I’m used to my servants doing it for me!”
“Ew, that’s disgusting! You’re a grown man. You should know how to bathe yourself!” Bruce said.
“Waaah! You’re so mean! I’m going back to Asgard!” Thor whined.
“Okay! Good riddance, you stinky idiot!”
“Umm… okay…” Steve said, watching Thor walk away.
“Come on!” Bruce said. “Let’s follow him and see where he foe!”
“Great idea!” Steve said.
“Everybody betrayed me!” Thor cried. “I’m fed up with this world!”
On his way out, he was stopped by Nick Fury.
“Aren’t you forgetting something, Mr. Odinson?”
“I don’t know.” Thor crossed his arms. “Am I?”
“You have to get a checkup today, or you’re fired.”
“No! I already went to the hospital!” Thor protested. “I’m better now! Why would I need a checkup?”
“You get a lollipop when you’re done.”
“Oh, boy!” Thor said. “Let’s go!”
“Shit!” Bruce said. “We almost had him!”
Asgard
“Where is Thor?” Odin asked. “He’s going to be late for the Thor’s Day feast!”
“Here I am, Daddy!” Thor said. “Allow me to feast now!”
“Hmmm… why do you smell like Loki?” Odin asked.
“That’s because I just finished wrestling him!” Thor said. “Don’t worry; he lost!”
“Okay, I guess that makes sense,” Odin said. “Here, have some food.”
“And everyone will sing me the Thor’s Day song, right?”
Thor smiled as a single tear fell from his eye. So far, his plan had worked. Nobody suspected that he was actually Loki.
An hour later, the real Thor came home.
“Father, I’m home!” he said. “Where is my Thor’s Day feast?”
“Loki snuck in disguised as you and ate it,” Odin said. “I’m so sorry.”
“NOOO!! How did you let this happen? Didn’t he seem suspicious?”
“Well, it’s partly your fault for being late!”
“But you should’ve realised that it wasn’t me!” Thor wailed. “Am I not your favorite son?”
“I love you both equally!”
“Come on, you can tell me!” Thor said. “After all, Loki’s not around to hear!”
“Okay,” Odin said. “The truth is…”
Avengers Tower
“I just got a letter addressed to Thor!” Tony Stark said. “Is he here?”
“Nope!” Bruce said. “He ran off, as usual!”
“That’s too bad,” Tony said. “I guess I’ll just read it for him.”
He tore open the envelope, pulled out the paper, and began laughing.
“Ha, ha! It’s his hospital bill! He owes them lots of money!”
“LOL!” Steve said. “I’m going to tell everyone in my Bible Study about this!”
The End