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It didn’t happen immediately the way Mouse thought it would, so when it happened, he wasn’t prepared for it. Living in the Halstead home was strange, the space small but filled with memories and love. By contrast, the house he’d grown up in had large rooms carefully dressed by hired professionals to prove just how well-of the Gerwitz family was. The rooms echoed if you spoke too loudly, as if even the house was telling your secrets, and it was constantly cold. The Halstead home was nothing like that, decorated with pictures of their family from generations back to recent photos of Jay in his uniform and Will at his college graduation. The space should feel cramped but somehow, it’s cozy instead, and he feels stranger comfortable despite the circumstances of his arrival. It was an odd feeling, waking up every morning without the weight of anxiety that sitting on his chest that his parents might find him out. He couldn’t believe how easy it was, even with Jay’s stoic, man’s man father around.
One morning, though, he woke up before Jay for once from a dark, dreamless sleep that left him unnerved and aching, and crept downstairs to the kitchen just to run into Judith Halstead. She was usually awake, he’d noticed, and Jay explained that she had had insomnia for years, so it shouldn’t have been that surprising. His own mother would’ve had a nice cocktail of gin martinis and sleeping pills, but instead Jude did crossword puzzles and coloring pages.
“Oh, Mouse!” Jude greeted with a soft, tired smile. “I was expecting my son, but this is a nice surprise!”
“Am I disturbing you?” he asked. “I didn’t mean to; I was just going to make Jay some coffee.”
“That’s sweet. You’re not bothering me at all, sweetheart.”
“Are you sure?”
She used her foot to push out the chair at the table in the space across from her, and then pat the table gently.
He didn’t want to stay, not because Jude made him uncomfortable but because he’d been avoiding a conversation with her about his intentions with her baby boy, or how long he intended on taking up residence in her house without a job and with a known drug problem. She was probably going to lay down an ultimatum that he had to get a job or leave her son, that he had to stop doing drugs or she’d call the cops on him, that he had to break up with Jay or she’d made sure Jay would leave him. He wouldn’t blame her; he’d been waiting for the other shoe to drop ever since Jay had kissed him and taken him apart on that hideous rug.
“Please,” Jude said, and it was with that same soft, honest smile he’d seen on Jay. There was so much of her in him, in the same way he saw a lot of his own mother in himself, but the connotations were different. When Jay looked at himself and saw his mother’s eyes and her freckles paired with her bone structure, he knew that Jude’s kindness and warmth was in him too. He didn’t flinch because those features came with her callousness and addictive personality. There was pride for Jay when someone said, you look just like your mom! Mouse hadn’t felt that since he was young enough to know better.
“Okay,” he said, taking the seat.
“That’s one good thing that came with my diagnosis,” she said. “People started doing what I asked simply because they didn’t want to say no to the woman with a terminal illness.”
He isn’t sure quite how to respond to that but luckily, she didn’t wait for him to figure it out.
“So, Jay has told me kind of the bare minimum of what happened with your parents and how you came to stay here. He said it wasn’t his place or his story to share, which I understand completely. I didn’t raise a snitch or a gossip after all, and this isn’t me trying to pressure you into anything. You don’t have to tell me anything that you’re not ready to share, and I’m not going to change my mind about letting you stay here because of anything you tell me at all.”
“Okay,” he said softly, and she nodded. He wasn’t sure where to start, though. “I’d never come out to my parents before, but I’m pretty sure they know, and they don’t like it. They’ve been trying to keep me away from Jay since we got home, and I would call him a lot.”
“Understandable, you went through a lot together, and you’re friends,” Jude said.
“It’s more than that,” he admitted.
“I know,” she admitted back, and he blushed. “So, homophobic parents, I get. Is that what led them to the, you know, the ankle monitor, or -”
“Kind of. They didn’t want me to leave the house while they were away on business for the week, because they don’t trust me. They’re less afraid of me getting caught with drugs than they are of me getting caught in some gay sex scandal, or even worse, a loving relationship with another man.”
She frowned but that was okay because he felt like frowning, too. He’d felt like frowning since he sat near his mother at her book club meeting held in their parlor biweekly – which never discussed any book ever written – and heard them condemn the mayor for allowing his son to do such awful things like marry a man he’d been seeing for years. Mouse hadn’t been able to bring himself to tell his mother the truth and face the pure disgust and disappointment she had for him when she realized he hadn’t followed the perfect plan they’d laid out for him before he’d even been born. He suspected that they knew anyway, mostly because he’d never truly been subtle about it, and there were more than enough tabloid rumors about his indiscretions that the evidence was becoming more than circumstantial.
“That’s awful, Mouse.”
“Yeah, well, I supposed I deserved it at least a little bit. My parents made sure I knew what was expected of me in return for the life they’d given me, and I knew better than to get caught.”
“Wait,” Jude said with an even deeper frown, shaking her head almost disappointedly at him. “Wait, no, hold on. No. That is not your fault at all. You haven’t done anything wrong, nothing that warrants being locked up and kept in your home like a criminal. That’s absolute bullshit crazy nonsense. When Beans told me about the ankle monitor, I about shit myself, that’s how insane that notion is. Like, okay, have I wanted to just lock Jay and Will in their rooms and throw away the key? Absolutely. They were little shits always into something they weren’t supposed to be and really just testing my final nerve, but I can’t imagine ever actually going through with it. God, that – I know this is probably going to sound a little vicious, but if they ever try that again and I find out about it, which I will, I’ll shove my cane so far up their asses that it comes out of their mouth.”
To say he was shocked would be an understatement. Jude Halstead had been nothing but sweet and kind to him, understanding and empathetic, very much the mentor and teacher she had trained to be. This wasn’t a side to Jude he’d been expecting to see that more.
“Now, I want you to listen to me, Mouse, and hear me. This is very, very important for you to understand. I don’t mind you being gay, or the fact that you’re dating my son, or even that you’ve had problems with drugs. You have shown yourself to be a smart, resourceful young man who makes my Beans happy, and has always had his back. You are a good person , kid, and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.”
“The Chicago Police Department might disagree with you, there.”
“I’ll fight them, too, I don’t give a shit.”
“Mrs. Halstead,” he started but she scoffed, cutting him off.
“You’re welcome to call me Jude. You’re not one of my fifth graders. Jude is fine.”
“I appreciate the vote of confidence, and the offer to fight CPD for me, but I don’t really deserve the effort -”
“Mouse, I’m going to touch you,” she said, standing up and coming around the breakfast table to put a hand on either side of his face. It paused him in place, tonic immobility from the touch. “There we go. Thank you for your attention. You are absolutely worth the effort. You’re worth more than the effort, actually, because you’re absolutely priceless. You’re a good kid, a good person , and even if you weren’t, no one should give up on you just because you made a mistake or two. Everyone deserves someone in their corner, and I will be yours if you want.”
“You will?”
“I will.”
“Can I ask probably a stupid question?” he asked as she let him go with two gentle pats on one cheek, the same way Jay always had.
“There are no such thing as stupid questions. I should know, I work with preteen boys.”
He laughed and rubbed his jaw where he had the smallest amount of stubble. His mother would absolutely pitch a fit if she saw him with any amount of facial hair, saying that she expected him to be clean-shaven and presentable. His small amount of shadow on his cheeks would be more than enough to send his mother into a meltdown about how inappropriate it was for a Gerwitz to be seen as unkempt and disorderly – never minding the fact that his father was known for having a thick beard half the year – and how he wasn’t living up to the expectations of his lineage as per usual.
“I suppose it’s less of a question,” he said, “and more of a statement, because I’ve never been able to say it out loud to anyone.”
He paused, and she smiled at him.
“Jude, I’m gay,” he said, and he cursed as tears filled his eyes. “I’ve never told anyone. They either knew or suspected, I’ve never even really told Jay, it’s just been something he’s known. But I’ve - because of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, and my parents, I’ve just – I've never said those words before.”
“Oh, well, thank you for telling me. It’s good to have you here, and you’re absolutely safe with me.”
He swiped away a tear from just below his eye and shook his head.
“Why does it feel so good to have said it?”
“You know, things become cliche for a reason. Truth will set you free, Mouse, and you have been carrying this truth like a burden when it isn’t. Letting it go, it set you free.”
“Thank you.”
“Oh, sweetheart. It’s my pleasure. Getting to know you, having you in our lives, it’s our pleasure, one hundred percent.” She smiled before she continued. “Now, it is ungodly early. Why don’t you go upstairs and catch a few more hours of sleep? I’ll make breakfast, and we can talk about what you want to do going forward.”
“Going forward?” he asked.
“Well, I imagine you’ll want to get a job or go to school, something like that, and we can talk about what that looks like for you, and if we can help with that in any way. Something, something to get you away from this headspace of being only worth something if your parents say you do, something you can focus on instead and put your energy towards. Does that – does that make sense?”
“Yeah. It, it does.”
“Good. Think about it, will you?”
“Yeah, I can – I can do that.”
He headed upstairs, without the coffee he’d meant to get for Jay, but with a lighter feeling in his chest than he was used to. Instead, he slipped into bed beside Jay and rested his cheek on the same pillow.
“Mmph,” Jay murmured in his sleep, and slung his arm over Mouse’s waist. Slowly, he curled Mouse into his own chest, and Mouse smiled to himself, and he rested his head against Jay’s.
When his parents had slapped the ankle monitor on him, he had been so afraid that he’d never get free of their expectations, that it was going to hold him down forever. He’d never been able to imagine that in a week, he would not only be let out of his cage but would find a place of his own. He couldn’t even begin to daydream that he’d find a home in Jay’s bed, getting to kiss him whenever he wanted, or that he’d find a champion in Jay’s mom. Growing up, he didn’t know moms could be like that, understanding and funny. His own mother was closed off and distant, the same way his father was, figures he could see through fog only, his only interaction with them through the glass of expectations.
This family - and he wanted, ached to call them his but he wasn’t sure he was ready for that yet – they were something else entirely, a different species than his own, but he could see himself becoming part of them. Jay and Jude had already welcomed him so readily, making space in their lives for him so he could slot in place without much issue. It was seamless, and nothing had ever worked that well for him, so some days this felt simply too good to be real, but then he would open his eyes again, and there he was.
“Mm’mouse,” Jay mumbled, rubbing his nose into Mouse’s sleepily. “G’t’sleep.”
“Hey Jay?” Mouse said underneath his breath.
“Mm’yeah?”
“Am I your family?” he asked.
Jay nodded without opening his eyes and said, “yeah, you’re mine.”
“I like it here,” Mouse said. “I don’t ever want to leave.”
Jay sighed and pressed the sleepiest kiss to Mouse’s skin, probably trying to meet his lips but landing on his chin instead. He didn’t say anything else, just hummed as he fell back asleep. Mouse didn’t need any other words, though, because Jay tucked himself into Mouse, and fell asleep soundly without hesitation. He trusted Mouse, the same way Jude trusted him, and maybe he could learn to trust himself too, and maybe – maybe he’d find a way to love himself the way he loved this little family that he’d found.
For once, hope bloomed in Mouse’s chest, and it was brighter than any high he’d ever had. He smiled to himself and let himself drift to sleep to the sounds of the Halstead house around him and Jay against him, soft sounds in the relative silence, of peace and love and hope, a future stretching out in front of him he hadn’t ever dared to reach for. Now, though, he could extend his hand and know that he wasn’t alone, because when he leaned forward towards something, he had two pairs of hands ready to catch him no matter if he stumbled. With his eyes closed, and his mind slipping into sleep, he let himself dream.