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In anyone else’s eyes, Ice Cube would easily fit the description of a flawed person. Swearing to get revenge on anyone who mildly inconvenienced her, even those who clearly had good intentions. She was meek and mild, something that didn’t fit within their competitive environment. Her morals were questionable at times. And generally, you could agree that, admittedly, she was just unpleasant to be around.
But Book didn’t see it that way. In her eyes, Ice Cube was a saint; she could do no wrong. Despite how many times reality proved that point wrong, she always stayed loyal to that belief. Time and time again, she found a way to justify Ice Cube’s actions, defending her even when Ice Cube herself felt her actions may have been too harsh. The rose-tinted glasses she wore around her best friend wouldn’t be taken off, no matter what. She couldn’t imagine what would happen if she quit retaining the image of innocence Ice Cube held in her mind. To keep the illusion up, Book would be entirely willing to downplay the severity of her actions and make excuses for someone who didn’t need, or even want, them.
It wasn’t fair. It really was not, and Book wouldn’t deny that fact. She knew it was selfish, but she just couldn’t help it. All of Ice Cube’s mistakes would somehow be turned into someone else’s faults. The “innocent Ice Cube” that Book knew so well would never do anything like that, even if she only existed in her head.
She just never thought that the one facing the brunt of Ice Cube’s mistakes would be her. The two of them could've been, should’ve been, flying together, reaching great heights, yet Book had torn her own wings clean off by desecrating Ice Cube’s perfect image. By assuming that she was entitled to her pity; she had brought that downfall upon herself the moment she dared to believe that Ice Cube had some obligation to her—the moment she dared to call herself more of a victim than anyone else. It wasn’t like she saw herself as someone without flaws, but the more she thought about it, the more she realized there was so much she had been doing wrong without even realizing it. It was a miracle that Ice Cube had stuck around for that long; she was being so good to her, yet Book still managed to go and ruin it.
To think she had the gall to believe that she was protecting Ice Cube, that she was keeping her from harm, when the only true harm to her was herself. She wanted to apologize, to beg and plead for her forgiveness, but did she truly deserve that sympathy? An apology would do nothing to mend the broken relationship—a half-hearted means to an end. No amount of heart would be enough to truly express the sorrow she felt towards her, the regret she felt for her actions, so the best choice she could make was to give none and to leave her in the dust.
The least that she could do for Ice Cube was distance herself as far as possible, to no longer taint her portrait with her bitter presence, to paint herself out of the picture. It wasn’t much, but it’d at least let Ice Cube’s wings find a new wind, one not weighed down by a constant reminder of a lesser person who had the audacity to see herself as above her and above her morals. From what she’d seen, Ice Cube was happier with her new team, her new friends; happier when she was separate from Book and her influence. Maybe, deep down, she always knew she was bad for her, but she stuck around due to her own selfish desire and need to have Ice Cube by her side. Disgusting, that’s all she could think of to describe her actions.
Exhaling a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding in, she ran a hand through her hair. If there was one thing she didn’t like, it was being left alone with her thoughts. There was nothing to distract her from her mind; no banter from Match or Pencil, no shouting from Ruby, no yelling about Bubble popping, and no promises of vengeance from Ice Cube. No snarky one-liners from Lollipop or Gaty’s wisecracking. No more Taco and no more Ice Cube. Now, the reality of her situation was finally starting to sink in: her friends had all left her, and it was all her fault.
A past version of Book would immediately jump to the conclusion that they were being unreasonable and that they had abandoned her, but Gaty had made it pretty damn clear that by doing that the only one being “unreasonable” was her. Part of her didn’t want to believe it, didn’t want to believe that she had only succeeded in making things worse for those around her, but denying the truth would not work forever. The consequences of her actions had caught up to her long ago as she watched everybody move on from her. She watched everybody move on from the past while she was still stuck thinking about what she could’ve done to make Ice Cube stay.
Maybe that was her problem. She was living in the past, worrying so much about people who do not think about her. Shifting around a bit, she recalled the glances of Ice Cube (and her team) she’d caught during past challenges.
Why couldn’t she just accept that it was over? If she could just move on from the past, this would all be so much easier.
But she couldn’t shake the belief that they were going to be friends forever. She remembered the promise they made, the promise that…
“No matter what, I’ll always be by your side.” She mumbled. “No matter what. No matter what. No matter what.” She repeated those words, clenching her fists at her sides. “No matter what, huh? What a lie.”
She hated this. A wave of shame washed over her; she was acting like a child, a spoiled brat who was just denied the toy they wanted. Unfair, it was all so unfair. Ice Cube was right there, just out of reach. No matter how hard she stretched her arms, she’d never be able to reach her. No matter what, she’d always best her. She was always one step ahead, flying right above Book’s head to mock her for her own inability.
Then why did it hurt so bad now that she was gone? If she only seemed to make Book feel worse about herself, even in their happiest moments, why was she yearning for her presence? Why did she miss the burn she felt whenever Ice Cube managed to, once again, prove her brilliance? Why’d she miss the anger she brought out in her when all the attention was turned to her? Why’d she miss the aching she felt whenever anybody other than herself got close to her? Why couldn’t she just be glad that she was being given a second chance, being offered forgiveness for her faults by Saw and Gaty? Being forgiven by Taco of all people, despite how awful she was to her? Why could her mind only focus on the one person who didn’t want to be around her?
She really does bring out the worst in me, Book lamented. The sin that she’d hidden under a veneer of politeness and acceptance towards others. The envy, the wrath, the burning greed and lust that she wanted to forget about, that she wanted to keep buried and hidden away. Perhaps it was only natural that the girl who could bring her to her highest highs would also drag her down to her lowest lows. Exposing all of her, the good, the bad, and the ugly, with ease. Every time she got too close to her, Book felt like she was being put on trial for her sins, being stripped naked of all protection she had so carefully prepared. But how could she hate her, how could she blame her for all of her faults?
After all, she was Ice Cube. Her best friend, the one who, no matter what, would always be by her side. No matter what. No matter what. No matter what.
“Even if she can’t see it, I’m always by her side.”