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He'd started putting the pieces together when Jean confessed he didn't yearn anymore.
“Yearn for what?” Kevin had asked.
“You,” Jean said easily.
Kevin had mulled this over that evening, alone in the dorm. What did Jean mean to yearn. Yearn was emotional, and a crush had never seemed a particularly emotional ideal to him. It was physical.
He twirled a pencil in the air, aimlessly.
He’d started putting the pieces together when Thea broke up with him.
“I think,” she’d said, “that I want something more emotional.”
She’d said that the Raven’s culture had been narrow. That there was more to dating than sex, that she wanted love instead of practicality.
He understood, conceptually. He had been with the Foxes for long enough now to see; seen Neil and Andrew’s intertwining each other into each part of their lives. Known, before Nicky at least, that it was more than sex for them. Dan and Matt were obvious, loudly expressing their love. Allison and Seth had been more what he was used to but even they had more emotional push and pull than the Ravens ever allowed.
He’d started putting the pieces together when he found out Wymack was his father. That there had been something worth hiding about the relationship he’d had with Kevin’s mother. That went deeper than infatuation, and Kevin knew it. Even then.
If he was being really honest with himself, he had been idly putting the pieces together all along. He just hadn’t been aware there was a picture to be made from them.
And then one night, after he escaped, after Thea broke up with him, after Jean confessed it all clicked into focus. It was a night of insomnia, of him and a strawberry lemonade svedka bottle sitting in front of his laptop, exy playing at a low volume. He opened a new tab, the game still playing. He started his research broad, just reading more on amanormativity. One of his classes had discussed Minimizing Marriage that semester and it seemed as good as any other place to start. From there he broached asexuality, a term he quickly realized he didn’t resonate with, to aromanticism. And suddenly things made sense. While he struggled to find actual literature Reddit, a site he’d previously avoided since he’d seen one too many bad exy takes, provided real experiences. It was here he discovered that he could be aromantic without also being asexual.
There was the bad stuff, the people who said aromantics were just emotionally stunted. The assumption that sex had to be connected romance. But Kevin had had enough one night stands to know romance and sex were distantly related at best.
His alarm began to blare and he quickly exited the windows, purging his browser history. As much as it helped him to know he wasn’t alone the thought of anyone else finding out made his skin crawl. No, it was better to be straight. At least to the public. There was less risk, more security in the illusion of perfect heterosexuality he had curated. He’d already faced an injury that should have ended his career before he even went pro. Now, in his senior year navigating the pro draft, he couldn’t afford anything that might bring attention to his flaws.
Ignoring it proved easier said than done. The team knew Kevin “swung”, it was too late for him to use Neil’s old claim of I don’t swing, whenever Nicky pressed him on why he wouldn’t even try going out with one of the cheerleaders. Katelyn knew his type, at least physically, so he couldn’t even say they weren’t his type. Nicky began to offer to set him up with men, laughing at Kevin’s horrified expression— “I like women, Nicky.” “Well lately it seems like you don’t. Can’t blame a guy for trying.”— and Kevin began to wonder how long he could dodge the questions before Nicky caught on. Just because he’d never noticed Kevin’s passive bisexuality, taking the answer of “I’m straight” at face value despite the jokes, didn’t mean he was unobservant, much to Kevin’s chagrin.
Eventually it was Neil who caught on first. Because of course it was. He was a bit drunk and getting handsy on the dance floor at Eden’s. And when he sat back down Neil tilted his head at the taller man, auburn hair flopping in his eyes— Kevin had been telling him to cut it— and said simply: “You said it was easier if I remained heterosexual, once.” And if he was fazed when Kevin had started rambling, protesting that just because he was dancing with a man it didn’t mean anything. That he didn’t want to date anyone, male or female, that it was easier to be straight, that the scrutiny would be endless if he said the word “aromantic” anywhere in public he hadn’t showed it.
“I doubt anyone thought anything of you dancing with a man, at least,” he’d said, “this is a gay club.”
Kevin put his head in his hands, “Yeah, and I’m a regular. That’s bad enough.”
“Aaron’s straight,” Neil pointed out, “it doesn’t matter.”
“It does if someone starts snooping.”
Neil shrugged, “Do you really think Ichirou would allow any press that threatened your career?”
And well… Kevin had never thought about that part before. That the deal had some advantages for him, the Moriyamas having a vested interest in keeping him liked, in maximizing his profits. He knew the Ravens had immense control over what was or wasn’t published about them but he had never considered it would extend to him and Jean now that they were out of the Nest.
Something in his chest settled.
“I’m still not telling Nicky.”
Neil laughed.
He told Andrew, of course he did, but he didn’t tell any of the other Foxes. Protection through the media was one thing, the Foxes were another brand of unpredictable chaos and flagrant rule breakers at that. He told Wymack one night, terrified of what the older man would say. Wymack had just said okay. “Proud of you kid. Does this mean I still have to remind you to wrap it up?” Kevin had flushed, mortified but happy underneath it all.
And somehow he began to settle in his body. To allow himself to want. He was careful still, he didn’t want a Moriyama visit or any trouble, but he allowed himself to have fun. To post on forms under a carefully constructed pseudonym. To embrace his community. And if he went to pride wearing a green shirt, well the fact that it was the same shades as the aro flag was just a coincidence.