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We were made for each other on our first encounter.
It was a beautiful sunny day and Dazai and Fyodor were ready to kill each other, what a
lovely idea for a first date!! But instead this wasn't a date and they were literally being paid to
poison the other.
They met in the small cute coffee shop in a fairly secluded space, perfect.
Dazai was already sitting in the shop before Fyodor arrived. Looking back on this Dazai is
very proud he made it first one of his top achievements right after almost dying in the river
that one time.
Fyodor walked in out of breath from walking and spotted Dazai and said “you seem awfully
familiar have i seen you before?”
“Ahh i don't believe so, but do ait down i am quite lonely here all on my own!” Dazai tries to
act very friendly and normal but both of them immediately sees through the others bullshit
and figure out exactly why they are there.
They don't do anything about it, they figure ‘eh just a bit of fun on a mission’. They think this
like they wont just try to fucking kill each other every chance they get.
“I would recommend the strawberry soda its amazing!” Dazai advertises.
“Ill think about it!” Fyodor was deathly allergic to strawberries and most things really.
They both end up getting water (basic bitchees) and drink it at the same time, omg
twinsies!!!!
“Mmm rat poison really?? Very basic for someone like you tho i do like the taste..” dazai
explains wtf is wrong with him and his love for rat poison??? He was fine because he could
tell something will be up with his drink and had a little pill before hand.
“You are the one to talk you just put a little bit strawberry into mine!” “Get creative next time..”
Fyodor explains judging Dazai’s ways of killing him. Underneath the table Fyodor stuck an
epipen into him causing him to cough as he gets a sore throat from the epipen from one of
the chemicals used.
They laughed and were in love ever since. So cute….
Now let your favourite narrator give you a rundown on their current situation.
These two fucking psychopaths decided they would love to live together!! (WTF) and pulled
it off by many means (legal and illegal).
They live in a small apartment that's next to a
college they kind of attend and a side hustle of any job people want them to do (including
murder obvi that's where the money is) they are very poor.
And even poorer in health, having millions of illnesses and allergies and Dazai being
mentally ill to the point of barely living at all.
On a normal day the two would randomly play a game of ‘is it whiskey or perfume’!! A game
where one covered bottles are placed by a player and may put whiskey or perfume into it,
thought they are a ✨special ✨ case of people and choose to put bunch of different bullshit
into them. (both legal and illegal ingredients allowed….how sweet…....) the best part is the
person digesting this doesn't know until they get their drink. They use non-transparent cups
for this specific purpose and because Fyodor keeps getting injured by the microscopic
shards of glass on the cups.
This creates some god awful forbidden and horrid cocktails that really shouldn't be drunk by
anyone or anything, yes, they do this for shits and giggles. You would think that with all the
illnesses they have (specifically Fyodor) that they would, oh idk, PLAY IT SAFE AND BE A
NORMAL GODDAMN PERSON BUT NOOOO.
I suppose they are too quirky for that. Either way it was Fyodor's time to choose what
abomination of a drink to make Dazai and he put gasoline,a bit of weed, butterfly wing, a
cherry and motor oil into the bottle. Then struggles to walk the 1 metre to the table where
Dazai is sitting.
“Aww for me??” dazai says observing the cup.
“It shall be for our flourishing relationship over the year!” Fyodor announces, sits down and
raises his cup for a cheer.
“Ahhh how time flies.'' They clink drinks and Dazai chugs his. His first thought “euwgh” and
then he thinks for a second, did Fyodor find his secret weed stash?? Damn already? He had
so much fun hiding it! He was so sure it would take him at least 5 minutes :/, he shall put it
into 5 safes instead of 3. (yes he put the stash into a safe which was put into a safe which
was also put into a safe)
“Hmmm I have to say I thought I hid my stash fairly well this time! You amaze me everyday!”
Dazai says with a smile then lists off all the ingredients he felt on his tongue.
“Correct again a fine streak of 364 of correctly guessed drinks. Also you did very well darling,
the third safe was quite tricky and took me a hefty 6.9 seconds to unlock!” Fyodor
compliments.
“Oh you flatter me!” they laugh,Fyodor with coughs in between his small giggles and
continue to have whatever twisted conversations they usually do like ‘if i were a zombie
would you keep a piece of my rotted brain with you’ (both answered yes).
----------
They decide to play a game again because these two are lunatics stuck at the age of 5 and
78 at the same time so they played a game of hide and seek, but not normally……obviously.
The person has to walk exactly where the person hid, anywhere is allowed but the person
must be able to get there the same way too. Like a fun game of following a trail except the
whole world is indeed your oyster.
Dazai sat at their apartment at roughly 10:30am (so fucking early jesus) counting down by
reciting bible verses starting with genesis 1 and counting until done, this wasnt difficult as
Fyodor made Dazai realise a new found hobby of reading over the bible over and over again
and comparing them to other religions. As well as Fyodor quoting the bible every fucking day
which Dazai found more fascinating and kinda funny.
If there was a god than creation must be one sick twisted and long joke.
All of this was happening while Fyodor took a trail through the buildings then woods then got
lost a bit, just kidding, but he sure pretended to! Then stopped at a bakery (his blood sugar
got low) went round a mountain, got bored and took a drive around. He did a lot more shit,
like got Dazai more weed if he or him want to use in whiskey or perfume again and bought
some new cups.
He returned to the apartment at 12:34 and took Dazais arm into his and let Dazai lead while
him reciting what he thought Fyodor was thinking at the time. They took a map with them as
well for shits and giggles.
“I could swear your sugar got low and you went into this bakery most likely on the verge of
fainting as you are very weak.” Dazai deducts.
“Oh you know me too well dear.” he smiles and the two keep going. (they did in fact buy
something from the bakery again for Fyodor)
When they returned Fyodor was as happy as a fangirl he almost wanted to laugh! Because
Dazai forgot one important step he took which was step 1654 where he was pretending to be
lost for funsies in some sketchy alley.
“I believe that was our walk for the day then, back to the apartment.” dazai says and turns to
Fyodor, they are near the apartment building now.
“Oh but you missed a steeeeep!” Fyodor mocks playfully.
“Oh?” Dazai seems kind of confused but rethinks his steps and then remembers.
“I win this time.” Fyodor celebrates with a monotone voice and they walk into the sunset
(their apartment also its only evening).
Dazai looked at the map again in the apartment when the two were done around 2pm to
notice he made a message in his trail that said ‘I got you some weed darlin’. ‘Awww’ Dazai
thought, even though he guessed so it's nice to have him approve of it and the fact he did
something nice.
Many people would describe Fyodor as a heartless monster but he was Fyodor's heartless
monster. But to be for real Dazai sees past through the reputation he sees Fyodor for his
thoughtful smart very ill self and he accepts him for it.
“Pawn d2.” Fyodor says.
“Oh you sneaky bitch.” Dazai jokes.
-------------------
so they both woke up in the hospital, “oh for fucks sake” fyodor thought a lot more calmly
than many people would, he knew why he passed out and ended up here. His very strong
anemia kicked in, because of dazai of course that bitch swapped his meds so they would
end up in the hospital together.
This makes fyodor nostalgic for their first date.
Dazai smiled to fyodor, they ended up next to each other, because its fyodor and dazai and
they rather live in this fucked up world toghetehr than die apart. (Ok that was sweet for
once.)
“Awww so close sweetheart” dazai says this like he hoped they died at the same time.
“Yet so far, perhaps another time dear” fyodor continues his sentence and then they just
stare at eachother for a bit.
Both have each other pupils memories so this was quite unnecessary, they didnt thibk so
though.
It was a rainy day so it makes sense why they were in the hospital, dazai always gets in the
mood for a nice hospital trip. (Wtf)
Dazai was in here because of the most dazai reason, he took too many meds that he stole
from fyodor. He found it quite enjoyable as dazai usually gets them and gets onse that look
like little gummy bears.
Fyodor cant get up and escape his fate and he doesnt really want to, dazai knows this. He
himself isnt. And cant, get up. Dazai thought thwy werent spending enough time toghetehr
as they didnt see each other a whole 5 hours and he got qwite lonely. (The quite was on
purpose)
Dazai took this perfect opportunity to talk about the most important things.
“Would you love me if i was a worm?” He asks with a most dead serious face.
“I would let you live in my hair” fyodor replies, his hair is very dirty and greasy like a rats fur
no matter how many times he washed it. Therefore it could be qwite a lovely place for such a
creatire to live, he thought.
Dazai never felt so loved.
—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dazais work has always been violent and dangerous he never knew when a bullet will struck
him in the hearet and a part of him liked this aspect.
He was on yet another one of these missions, his job was to disable a bomb in an run down
empty building (not his first rodeo).
He walked calmly in the middle of the room where the bomb was, it had 5 minutes left on it.
Plenty of time dazai thought and inspected the walls and floor for any trap or engraving that
could give him a clue to who might’ve put this bomb here.
Then he noticed that the bomb doesn’t look like a regular one, he went to touch it and it
was…made of cake?
Then the bomb exploded.
Dazai did consider this and knows the agency is competent enough to deal with all damages
and injuries but the only thing bothering him is who put that bomb there.
Either way he awoke in the hospital (also not his first rodeo). He looked over to his left to find
his dearest next to him reciting bible verses.
“Rise and shine my little spark.” fyodor spoke.
Dazai smiled and replied “You remembered” his voice a little coarse from the blow of the
bomb.
“I would never forget such a day.” fyodor assured with what looked like a smile.
“365 days 18 hours 37 minutes and 26 seconds in your presence…” dazai reminded.
“Happy anniversary dear” fyodor was practically glowing from excitement, in dazais eyes
anyway, on the outside it looked like dazai was being haunted.
Dazai controlled his heartbeat to say ‘Happy anniversary’ in morse code which was highly
appreciated by fyodor with a small nod.
Fyodor gave dazai a small shot glass of what looked like water from the sidetable next to his
bed, fyodor had a matching one.
They both raised them in unison and clink them together. They drank the whole thing very
quick savouring the bitter taste of rat poison.
“Just as tasty as the first time” dazai commented with his throat getting slightly worse and his
voice becoming more coarse.
Fyodor puts down his glass then starts a very well known game they both adore to play with
one another, “pawn c4”.
They continue their date and game until late or 11:59, by then fyodor sneaks dazazi out of
the hospital with the fire exit which he disabled. They both run into the moonlight and back to
their shared apartment, but stop on the way so fyodor and his asthmatic ass can catch his
breath.
They walked into the road layed down in the middle and tried to guess how ong it will take
until they get run over or someone comes to help.
Fyodor and dazai proceeded to have an indepth conversation into human behaviour and
how they rather meet jesus or a bear then a random stranger.
Dazai hoped that their next anniversary will be as good, actually no, he knows it will, and so
does fyodor.
—--------
(DROWNING IN THE NEXT CHAPTER)
On a different hazardly sunny day the two love(robert)birds decided to get some skin
damage at the beach.
Both of their pale skins fought not to burn to crisps from the heat. Either refuse to give up
their normal outfits not helping the situation at all.
Fyodor piled a bunch of sunscreen making him paler than usual which was an achievement
for him making him look like a ghost thats haunting dazai.
They were both under a parasol staring into the wide ocean guessing how long it will take
until someone pretends to drown or does so.
“I bet it will be that man over there.” dazai pointed out looking over to a very average guy
moving around the shallow parts of the water with poppies on his swimming shorts.
“Perhaps it will be you dear.” fyodor states with no expression staring at the glistening ocean.
“Only by your hand!” dazai smiles at him and continues people watching together with
fyodor.
The two bickered and laughed at other people still in the same spot until everyone left and it
was a starry sky.
“well , shall we?” dazai asked positioning like eh opened a door for fyodor who nodded and
the two locked arms and walked to the water dropping the umbrella behind them.
Fyodor fell over making a splash on the water after dazai pushed him. Dazai laughed at the
view of his ghost looking like a wet rat then fell into the water himself after his ankle being
pulled by his partner.
Dazai made no effort to get his head above water and fyodor had no intention in helping him.
Fyodor instead put his hand underwater and gripped the other mans hair holding him in the
water.
The moon and stars made a beautiful glow on the water with their reflections as dazai
drowned next to fyodor who was holding his head in the water.
Soon enough the bubbles stopped, then dazai felt his hair being tugged and pulled above
water to meet a slight grin on fyodors face.
“Should we go home now its getting quite late, and cold..”
“Oh you can leave me here.” dazai responded wishing to go back to the water, to become
one with it.
“Another time sweetie.” dazai helped fyodor up both almost falling back into the water then
walked back to the beach in the icy night cold.
As the pair returned back into their humble apartment leaving a trail of water behind them
curtains of nearby residents closed quickly and clicks of doors are heard from citizens
checking they are locked.
—--------------------------------------
Dazai wished to do something special for his pookie wookie dookie pops. Yesterday felt like
such a magical day for them and everytime dazai remembered the day fondly, he had an
urge to take his organs out of himself wrap it in a boque with a pink bow and give it to his
perfectly complementing partner in crime (and punishment).
With this genius and genuine thought he decided he might pay a visit to the black market.
His thought was inturrupted, well actually, simply put aside for now, by a note in front of the
door of their apartment.
Dazai knocked in morse code on the wall calling for fyodor who, with reluctance and
struggle, got up from the chair he was sat at on the balcony observing people (more like
stalking lets be real, he keeps a log in his brain like a statistics book of these strangers).
And made his way to dazai, both looked at each other, confused for maybe the first time in
their lives. Lmao nvm they realised its “some pathetic fucker who has nothing better to do
then waste our time” or at least that's how dazai described it.
“This time we do indeed have…mayhaps we can waste his time in return” fyodor schemed.
“I want your brain in a glass jar next to mine when we die.” Dazai responded with love
Fyodor nodded in return and with that the two came up with an idea on gow to send this
stranger on a wild goose chase around the world. (Browski is forced to be mr.worldwide fr fr)
They did some investigating (stalking and illegal use of goverment documents) to find where
they lived and who they were. Neither cared, were impressed nor surprised.
But now that they know where they lived, they sent their own ominous note in a code that will
certainly take months to decipher. The note would bring the stranger to america, then brazil
then croatia through “clues” left in the note.
Yes my dear reader, they will be sending a stranger all across the world in alphabetical order
for shits and giggles.
You might be thinking “why tf would the stranger go through so much trouble if they know
where they live?” Well my dear reader..shut up…i make the rules.
Kidding!!
The stranger wanted this painting that was in possesion of fyodor who hid it in one of his
secret hiding spots on earth.
To get to it is very difficult and complex, because its fyodor we are talking about.
So instead with trying to fight or argue with the stranger they will make them think they won.
They shall metaphorically sway rhe corn in front of the donkey. (Donkeys are alleric to corn
btw) The close-minded narcissistic stranger will do nothing more than bite their bait.
They took advantage of their flaws and giggled like middle schoolers at a slumber party, well
only dazai did, fyodor kind of just smiled,somewhat.
The partners made an agreement to check up on their lost stranger once he is halfway
through the alphabetic countries to check if they caught on yet. (They have 0 faith in them.)
They sat back on their balcony and clinked their drinks toghetehr in celebration of a small
and easy victory.
“Oh how lovely it is to be surrounded by ididots dont you think?” Dazai pointed out.
“It certainly has its perks dear.” Fyodor respondsd then took a sip of his orange juice to help
his sugar levels.
“I want to thank you for yesterday, yet simpletons words cannot describe my gratitude.”
Dazai told fyodor, then proceeded to give him a concerningly sized boque of organs. (I guess
any size would be concerning so its up to you how big it is.)
(Also i bet you thought i forgot about this detail but AHA you were fooled!! Unless you
weren't then ignore this…please😬)
“I would much rather give you my own beating heart, but blood inside this boque will do i
guess.” dazai said like he didnt just give him a boque of fucking organs.
Fyodors eyes went 0.69 cm wide which dazai took note of as fyodor showed pure surprise
and love for dazais gift. (They are godamn insane your honour)
They had the rotting boque in the middle of the coffee table while they played chess to end
the day with.
They both realised that day they would rather humanity have never existed than live and die
apart.
—-------------------------------------------------
The bloody bouquet was causing horrid smell in the apartment and the duo made the
emotionally distressing decision to remove the bouquet from their humble abode.
Neither of them wanted to step in and get rid of it so they did what every normal person
would (sarcasm!!, how tf do you expect them to be normal be so fucking fr) and played
russian roulet as they agreed they would “rather die than get rid of such a heartfelt beautiful
gift”.
(ffs)
Though before they could start a knock was heard on their front door. Dazai went to
investigate to find a package on the floor. Omething was qwite odd, crealy. (purposely
misspelt)
“Ah it seems we’ve got an update from our little friend from a few days ago!” He says like he
was some youtube influencer.
Dazai closed the door with his foot and placed the box down onto a table, he knew it wasn’t
a bomb or some shit because it weighed ,the same as fyodor, absolutely nothing.
With a hidden knife they keep around the house, well they’ve got multiple, he opened the
package with a quick slash in the tape.
The package had a letter inside, why couldn’t they just send the letter like normal people?
(spoiler alert, normal people don’t exist in this universe)
Dazai then smelled something like gas or rat poison mixed toghether almost concealling the
rotten flesh odour.
The pair looked at each other realising whats about to take place. Their faces turned from a
wide horrified look too a one of annoyance and irritation. Dazai leaned back gripping at his
hair in frustration, he could’ve foreseen this yet he fell for it, he felt like an idiot. Fyodor had a
frozen 1000 yard stare then looked at dazai and quickly put his thoughts aside.
“Do not get distracted now, mere sinners will not bring us down, i will make sure of that.”
fyodopr reassured which calmed dazai.
Putting their tantrum aside they opened the letter which had letters made from a magazine.
“Brother euuughhh” dazai thought and rolled his eyes, if he was going to be tricked he rather
not be by someone who seems to be using a ‘how to be a villain 101’ book because this was
pathetically unoriginal. Fyodor agreed of course,with a cough and wheeze.
The letter said “We do not like these games both of you think you are playing..” dazai
paused reading for the both of them to laugh at them.
“Your efforts were unsuccessful.” dazai paused again to glance at the stamp on the letter
that seems to be from Serbia. Fyodor and dazai laughed at them once again,these idiots
have made it more than halfway through their alphabetic adventure.
“We have found the vault that contains the painting through one of your lovely disloyal
workers. Unfortunately for them they didn’t know the specific location in the vault of the
painting, your a mean one mister. Your days are numbered Fyodor Dostoyaskvy, yours and
your dearest Dazai Osamus. We will be waiting with the antidote. You have a week to travel
to Russia and tell us where it is, or, you and your partner shall watch each other crumble,
and you, Fyodor, shall be the first to become a fallen angel.” Dazai finished.
Fyodor scoffed at the misspeling of his name.
They knew they had to make it there,because my dear reader the inside of the box
contained poison, of unknown variety and origin. Perhaps an ability user. Fyodor was
obviously more susceptible to it since his health is of a dead body, since it is nonexistent.
Fyodor felt ill, both physically and mentally, he wished to cast a million different horrific fates
to these people. He was fine with dying, because he would be dying with dazai, but its all
worthless if they dont die at the same time and toghether. For once he wished he had taken
care of his fragile body just so his partner in crime (and punishment,especially now) doesn’t
need to witness such suffering from him.
Therefore road trip time!!!
They didnt pack much as this will be a short and quick trip or at least they hoped it will be.
The silence was piercing occasionally being broken by coughs and wheezes from fyodor
mostly, each one stops dazais heart for a small gut wrenching moment. (Its not a flinch its a
dab, trust!!)
Their plan wasnt to just go over there and give then the painting oh nonono. You need to
remember my dear viewer this is fyodor and dazai.
“May god have a special plan for the group of sinners. They will take dazai and mine pain
and discomfort for themselves into the afterlife. As she herself may deem them creatures
that came from the worst of mankind. Aминь.” Fyodor muttered the prayer through coughs.
He was chosen by god to clense the world of diabolical wretched whores.
He will not dissapoint her.
The pair got a taxi to the airport and quickly stumbled and swayed to their plane.
Eventually made their way to Russia, Fyodors first home.
Will they get the antidote in time or suffer a separated fate? That,my dear reader is for you to
find out and me to write about. (i’ve been watching too much Bridgenton help)
—-------
In the freezing cold of russia the pair stumbles arm in arm to the entrance of the bunker
which disguised itself as a cafe.
“I would like a coffee with 3 sugars please.” fyodor asked through coughs and sneezes.
Fyodor needed to ensure that the code was something he would never order.(a normal
drink)
The barista then led him to the side of the cafe which led to a small closet, a trapdoor
underneath the carpet contains stairs reaching down into the void.
The two walked down bumping into the narrow walls of the spiral staircase. They find
themselves deep underground making them quiver in their boots more then they already
were. In front of them a giant safe door stands as well as two guards on either side of
another guy.
“Surprise,surprise! You look…..alive.” the guy who seems to be the enemy paused to laugh,
“i hope you are wise to not bring any tricks up your poisoned sleeves fyodor dostoyaskvy”
“Its nice of you to think i could pull something like that off in this state, and its dostoevsky, if a
sinner such as you must spit my name you might as well get it correct.” fyodor stated
practically clinging onto dazai for support by now.
The men opened the safe to reveal a room with many trinkets from fyodors collection
vases,statues and paintings he kept, won or was gifted through the years.
Each one had a fruitful story behind it. Sadly their story may not be told as their holder fell to
the floor,paralyzed.
Dazai watched with uncertainty concealed with concern. He didnt know if fyodor has really
not battled the poison enough. “Fyodor?” dazai asked hoping his partner could give an
answer back. Fyodor cant be killed this easy,surely. Dazai knew his many allergies and
health condition was never a green flag but they weren't *that* careless, right?
The sinner knelt down next to fyodor holding him aggressively “WHERE IS IT?” he
demanded.
A weak hand was raised from the dying man pointing at a wall that seemed to have a slightly
off texture and colour from the rest of it. The two guards pulled the wallpaper away to reveal
a hidden painting and the man celebrated like a 5 year old.
Meanwhile Dazai stepped backwards, his partner now looking at him, his eyes unfocused
and drifting. He was barely alive, Dazai thought, and he would have to suffer the fate of
survival guilt so heavy he would never get over even if he had a thousand lifetimes.
So, Dazai took a gun he snuck in, the one from their russian roulette game, it was an
accident at first but he realised it could definitely be of use, he put it up to his head. He saw
through the unfocused eyes some terror and dissatisfaction from fyodor.A bright flash and
ringing of ears attacked everyone.
This was not their plan. they wished to die together, voluntarily, when they knew it was time
so they could rot and compost on the same ground. Their skeletons to be found next to each
other looking like they schemed and plotted. To become one with the earth, which would be
free of bastards like the group behind their demise.
With one man bloodied and bullet in his head and the other holding him in his arms still
struggling to move or speak.
The man turned and chuckled “how unholy, to die fighting someone else's war.”
In turn of events,fyodor awoke to their favourite date location, a hospital.
Fyodor wished to cut the oxygen tank from his side and rip the heart monitor. After all of that
he was the one who lived. In the moment he was so caught up with dazais condition he didnt
realise what was really happening to his body.
As you see, our fave fellas rushed to the scene when they first arrived in russia and didnt
stop to eat anything, so fyodors blood sugar got low and, well, he lost consciousness. The
poison did contribute to his ill welbeing but it was the low blood sugar that knocked the man
out. (L i guess)
Fyodor looked around to see he was not joined by dazai like he usually was, next to him in a
hospital bed as well.
Dazai sat next to fyodor uninjured holding his hand with a smirk. Dazai looked like he was a
small child presenting their parent with a drawing to put on the fridge. Fyodor was surprised
and relieved a kind of relief like a sank ship just plopped right back onto the sea sailing
ahead to other journeys.
“Oh” fyodor sighed with realisation on his face. The gun contained a bullet which was a
paintball with red paint to make it look like he died. (this is how these crazy motherfuckers
spice up their russian roulette)
Fyodor gave a smile to his soulmate then revealed with a whisper “The painting was a
forgery.”
Then they both laughed, at both the organisation for thinking they could best yokohamas
best tricksters and the situation in whole. As well as a laugh of relief that it all worked out in
the end.
Just like they predicted.