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"Gord?"
"Yes?"
"Stop, stop stop." As Warren said this, the recording of the third part of "You Can't Freeze a Soul, My Journey into the Cryonic Void" abruptly stopped.
Silence filled the empty room. There was way too much space for only one person to take up. And Waffles, of course. Even in her company, Warren had do admit, it could be lonely. Sometimes the room felt colder than it ever felt outside, back in the days where Gordon dragged him to explore the tunnel that went inside of the mountain. The lack of human souls in that place after... well... the tragedy... got Warren's mood to switch up completely and he finally started feeling the loneliness of being isolated all those years catching up to him. Maybe it was because, although isolated, he wasn't alone back then. He still had Gordon.
Warren didn't remember the last time he caught a glimpse of Aubrey after the accident. The last time seeing her being in a completely chaotic and emotionally damaging situation didn't help much as a good last memory is being together with her. All he could recall was her panicked voice, her sudden requests for specific tools and the way her eyes welled up with tears when she heard a loud beep that would haunt him forever. Warren wasn't a guy that showed his emotions very easily, his life being very troubled ever since he was a child. Every traumatic experience added up to the previous one to the point he was unable to show any even the slightest of a reaction. That didn't mean he didn't feel anything. He had a soul. And that night? That night was the sole reason why he could confirm he was still able to feel his heart sinking and dropping all the way to his stomach.
"Right... I guess I'll have to do this."
"Excuse me?" Gord asked.
"You're excused." He scoffed. "It's not with you, Gord. It's something I'll have to do alone."
"Oh, alright."
Warren was again alone with his own thoughts. Although he hated it, it felt like the only way to process what had happened. He hadn't talked with anyone since it happened (he didn't have much choice actually) and kept himself entertained and away from his most unwanted thoughts by listening to Gordon's forever unfinished memoir.
He inserted an empty tape on the recorder and pressed one of the buttons, taking a shaky breath before starting to talk.
"Uh... personal. It's Warren Godby. I lost track of the days that have passed since I last was in contact with Gordon Porlock. You know what? Fuck this. Whoever is listening to this tape, this is not directed to you. But I also can't direct it to my friend anymore because, well... he's not here anymore. I guess this could be a sort of... how do I call this?"
"Do you want help-"
"Not now, Gord!" A mix of anger and disappointment was bubbling inside his chest but he tried to cool it down. He wanted this to be 100% himself. Not any help from Gord, not letting any anger take over him. Gordon deserved more than an enraged tone in his last goodbye to him.
"A letter! It's sort of a letter, I mean, I'm not really writing it, you know... But I sort of need to say some last words that I didn't have the chance to say on the day it all happened. I can't really believe I'm saying this... Last words... At some point I really thought we'd have an eternity in front of us. We got so used to the possibility of freezing someone to survive more time that we don't really see when life is taken away from us right in front of our eyes."
Warren wanted to take his time alone to finally assimilate all he felt on the past couple of days. He couldn't quite tell all the feelings apart, but it was as if he'd gone through the five stages of grief but at the same time never left denial. He felt happy recalling his moments with his friend and the next second it was as if his head had been crushed violently with a boulder. It was all about sudden urges to punch the wall until his knuckles turned from white to maroon but also crying until he felt like he hadn't drank any water for days. Yet, he couldn't bring himself to do any of it. He couldn't bring himself to process what had just happened, let alone let it all out of his head. This was his attempt to finally let it sink in.
"I guess I was never able to put in words how grateful I've always been for our company. Every time they took me out of that pod it was like I was in a cycle that would never break. I thought I'd never bee happy every time I woke up, but you were there. My best friend. Even if I was buried in a deep shithole, you being there made me feel better every time I left that pod. I knew I had to go back im, but when I returned, you would be there, you always would. If it wasn't for... this, of course."
A lump started forming on Warren's throat but he fought his way through it not to affect the record.
"What I mean is, I don't feel lonely because I'm sealed here and Aubrey has been gone for a while. I feel lonely because now I know I don't get a chance to talk to you again. Gordon, I wish you were still here to tell you so many things I've realised lately. You may feel like you're not enough for this world, but... You were enough to me. You were the greatest friend I could've had and the only person that mattered. I knew you'd have my back and I promised I had yours. I couldn't keep it. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
It's like the lump on his throat felt like someone choking his neck now, strong hands gripping it so tight it left imaginary marks on his skin. Warren took a moment to recompose himself. A deep breathe wasn't enough and he had to repeat that two or three time.
"The point is... I wish I could've helped you in some way. But it all happened too fast. One moment I was next to you, the other the machine was beeping and then Aubrey had her hands in her head while she paced the room back and forth. I've had many terrifying experiences in my life, Gordon, but I don't think any can be compared to this. My fear isn't being alone here, but being without you. This means I'll never get that feeling of relief to wake up and see you. Why-" Warren's voice got stuck in his throat as he tried to held back a desperate tone. "Why does it matter if I don't get to see you again?"
He finally accepted that he would never see Gordon again. There was no need to hide it from anyone. Nobody was there to judge him and unfortunately he was on his own. Tears prickled on Warren's eyes as he tried his hardest to fight them back. After a few minutes, he accepted to give him. His body shook violently at the realisation that he had just lost his best friend. No matter for how long he slept, Warren would never wake up to his company again. He gripped the recorder as he held his knees close to his chest, letting real grief wash over him and tears stream down his face for the first time in his life. Between sobs he tried to keep recording the tape. He wanted it to be done and he knew he would never forgive himself if he would never put his thoughts into words in that moment. Gordon was never gonna listen to that tape, but Warren felt like this was the only way for him to give a proper goodbye to his best friend.
"I just needed you to know that- Oh God." He took a second to calm down and wiped his eyes with the hoodie's sleeve. "I might not remember much of my past life, but I'm almost sure you were the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I'm sorry we never got to do another roadtrip or walk around and just get some fresh air again. I wish that instead of this stupid capacity to go forward in time during centuries I had the power to go back in time and tell you how much I appreciate you. I know I used to say it but I wanted to express it more. I never felt this sure about wanting someone next to me and now it's too late. Only if she hadn't shot you... I'm so sorry, Gordon. I'm so so sorry. I'll take care of Waffles but she's gonna miss having her dad around." Warren let out a scoff.
The air in the room felt heavier as he kept going on with the recording. Warren knew he had to end it soon but he knew that once he did it, it meant that it was over. There was no going back. His best friend was dead.
"I waited for you to wake up for years. Now that wait is over. And I'm sorry I can't do anything about it. If I could back in time I wouldn't think twice before going straight up to that moment to save you. Waffles is in good company and I will be fine. I just know I can't avoid but missing you for the rest of my life. I-" Warren swallowed before gathering his courage to finish the recording. "I love you, Gordon. Goodnight."
He pressed the button again and the silence in that space was absurdly loud. So many thoughts were running through Warren's mind, but the only thing he managed to do was to put the recorder on a table and pick up a red marker. On the front of the tape he wrote in capital letters "for gordon". Carefully, he placed it on top of Gordon' empty pod, the soft clink of the plastic on the metal lid echoing in the room. Next thing he knew, he was walking back to his bed, where he turned to the other side, hugged his own chest in a desperate search of comfort and fell asleep, between a silent cry and a tear running down his pale skin.