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Touch has never been something that Edwin craved, no, it was quite the opposite. When he was a boy, Edwin dreaded having to be touched and shoved into itchy clothes. When his mother would only ever touch him to make the world think they were the perfect family. His father only ever put a hand on him when he was being punished. Touch was not something that was just given when he was alive. There was always an underlining darkness to any touch. His mother touched him not because she cared about him but because of the image that the family must maintain. His father only ever touched him when he never really could fit in quite right for his time and needed to learn to be normal. He never made many friends when he was living but he made plenty of bullies. At school the only touches he had where those of clenched fists, bloodied noses, and discolored bruises.
He learned very quickly in his life that touch was not something to be wished for but to pray that he never has to be touched again. When he was living touch was a synonym for pain but also a reminder in all the ways that he just did not fit. His time in Port Townsend has made him understand that there is nothing wrong with him for not being society’s ideal. That, however, does not simply remove the years of bullying and punishments he has endured because of this part of himself that he’s never really been able to hide. So, his life was never one that deemed touch as an important or kind gesture.
That did not change when he started his afterlife. 70 years he spent in hell where not only was he taken apart literally, but he also had to overcome the feelings that maybe hell was what he deserved. Boys who look at boys the way Edwin does deserve to be punished right? That’s a thought that still creeps into his mind at any moment but especially when he is dealing with his severely repressed emotions. Hell was awful, touch in hell was even worse. Anytime anything or anyone touched him in those 70 years was to cause him pain. He was sold as if he was not an actual person, he was deemed of so little importance again that the only thing he was deemed good for was to be hurt. The funny thing is that one thing that has never faded from living to dead is that the world around him loves to hurt him; the one thing he will always be good for his for capacity to be hurt. One thing hell did for him was to make him understand that if someone had to be hurt it ought to be him who gets hurt. If they are going to be mean anyway, they should be mean to him. He is used to the pain after all. The second time he was there he touched Charles and that was the only time ever that a touch in Hell was not agony, but it still was not good with the absolute terror that was coursing through him. Then he was touched again by Charles on the stairway of Hell and that well that was what seemed to break the lock on all the desires he had locked away for what was probably his whole life and his entire afterlife. He has mostly come to terms that he is what society would call gay nowadays but handling that was so much easier than realizing that all he wants is to touch and be touched. He wants to hold hands, forehead kisses, hugs so tight he knows his breath would be gone if he still needed to breathe.
When Edwin and Charles first started to figure out their afterlife together touch was something that Edwin severely flinched away from. The first time this happened neither boy stood a chance. Edwin had come to the realization that touch was something that sent pure terror through him now. When he was alive, he could handle being touched and got through the skin crawling feeling but now his body would mistake touch by a friend with being stabbed with an iron blade. Charles on the other hand feared that Edwin saw him how he saw his own father. Charles did not want to be someone who caused Edwin to have that look of terror on his face. At this point in their time together talking about feelings was not something they did. Charles is perspective, especially to Edwin. He noticed what he could get away with and what would make Edwin uncomfortable. So, Charles did not initiate big forms of physical contact but rather would occasionally press their shoulders together or would offer high fives or fist bumps to Edwin so as not to overwhelm him. Over their 30 years together, touch became more common but were still smaller displays. Edwin would allow Charles to touch him, and he very rarely got uncomfortable with them. New things, however, would still shake Edwin to the core. The first time that they hugged was in Port Townsend and after that is when his own feelings for his best friend came to a head.
After the whole affair of Port Townsend, being back in London is nice but devastating. Nothing here has changed all that much besides the new additions to the team of course. Edwins whole life was flipped upside down in that time, but it seems that while his whole world has been disoriented the rest of the world is still carrying on like normal. Edwin never had to deal with this after his death. He was immediately dragged to Hell for the next 70 years and when he escaped the whole world had changed and kept changing. He never had to deal with unliving in the era he died unlike Charles. He assumes that’s why the whole being dead thing is harder for Charles. He knew if Charles could continue his afterlife with Edwin that Edwin could deal with this change.
Over the next few months everything became easier when he was overwhelmed, or his emotions were too big he would go right back to the shell of the boy he once was, but Charles would be there for him. Edwin was worried that after round two of Hell and then being kidnapped and tortured by a witch that touch would be bad again. It’s not, instead all he can think about is touching Charles. That’s the main difference from before Port Townsend to after and it hasn’t dulled in the slightest. Obviously, there’s the whole in love with Charles bit but it’s more than that. He feels like he needs to be inside his skin. Over the rest of the following year that longing to touch and be touched by Charles gets manageable because it is not so new, but the craving is there. That’s what this is, isn’t it a craving for the one thing in his life he has been starved of.
About six months after Port Townsend Chales confessed to Edwin and they have been figuring out how to do the boyfriends thing. It’s not been difficult; they act quite similarly as they did before but with more kissing. After the incident Edwin feared that he would revert to only associating touch with bad things. It seems that his body over the past 3 decades has latched on to Charles when he thinks about touch. His mind may be recovering but his body remembers. He knows his boyfriend will hug and touch him all he needs to do is ask.
Edwin has been keeping this craving away from Charles. He doesn’t even really know why he can’t tell Charles about it. It’s just so mortifying not being able to be in control the way he typically is. He knows that he cannot touch Charles all the time, but his body can’t seem to grasp that concept. Every time he is not touching it feels like his soul aches and it’s only ever soothed when Charles touches him. Something is wrong with him, he knows, so he slowly stops touching Charles because maybe if he starves the craving it will fade away and everything can go back to how it used to be. He tries to keep his distance in the least noticeable way for the next month.
Charles noticed Edwin pulling away from him immediately. He was confused at first but had thought that after everything he had been through that he may have regressed in his journey to accepting soft touches. So, he let him back away not wanting to make him uncomfortable, but he spent decades touching Edwin without even thinking about it, so he slips up sometimes. The thing is that Edwin always stiffens and clams up at every touch. However, before he closes himself off, he leans into the touch and every time Charles pulls away Edwin follows without even realizing it. So, Charles knows this isn’t the same as it used to be, but he still isn’t quite sure as too what has caused the change. Quite frankly he just wants to hold and love his boyfriend. After a few months had passed with this unspoken separation between them Charles has had enough.
Edwin hurts. He knows that his heart has long since stopped but every day when he doesn’t touch Charles or he pulls away too soon, his heart aches. He feels like if he could die again that this would be what would do him in. It all came to a head after their current case was being handled. Witches have always been a nasty villain to fight but after Ester fighting witches always put the team on edge. This witch was on the lower level where powers were involved. She fed off the energy that fear gave off. She could make them relive their worst nightmare; nothing could hurt them but that didn’t matter too much when it felt so real. While Charles was being the brawn, he was thrown through a mirror and all that was left was Edwin and Crystal. She through the curse at Crystal but Edwin jumped in front of her, he refused to see another one of his friends in pain by a witch.
Giggle. Spider. Baby doll. Blood. There was so much blood every time the demon spider came for him, and he couldn’t do it again. He had to be quiet. It was so close but if he just stayed quiet then it would be alright. Charles came for him once, he’d come again. He’s not alone, just separated for now. The spider is coming for him now. He runs and runs, doesn’t stop, luckily, he doesn’t need to breathe. Something grabs him and he screams. “Please please stop please stop” He’s crying and begging knowing it won’t change anything.
“Edwin. Edwin love, it’s alright you’re safe. You’re here with me.”
“C-Charles?”
“Hey, love it’s me innit look at me” Charles gently lifts his chin up so Edwin can see him. See that he is safe, Charles is right here and won’t let anything hurt his Edwin.
“W-we must be quiet. It’s going to come for me. I can’t Charles, I can’t do it again.” Edwin is trembling and Charles wraps Edwin up in a hug for the first time in months.
“You are safe with me Edwin. You are not in Hell. We got you out remember. You got hit by a curse from a witch that makes you see things alright. It’s not real. What’s real is you and me.” Charles pulls away slightly to grab his face so Edwin can only look at him. Charles can see the moment that Edwin comes back.
“Charles” Edwin sobs and falls into Charles.
“I’ve got you Eds. I got you.” Charles just holds onto Edwin. Crystal can handle the witch on her own and Edwin is more important than the witch right now. No matter how badly Charles would like to destroy her for doing this to Edwin.
When they get back to the office Edwin is still clutching onto Charles and that is how they stay for the rest of the night. Charles tells Crystal and Charlie that they will see them when Edwin is feeling better. Charles reassures Edwin that he’s safe and loved for the rest of the night. Even though ghosts don’t sleep, they can still rest but it’s more awareness than sleeping but less than being awake. Charles manages to get Edwin to rest and stays cuddled next to him the whole time.
As Edwin awakes from his ghost sleep, he remembers everything that had happened the night previous. He is mortified that he behaved in such a way. Hell was bad, obviously, but he’s gone through it twice before. He should not have reacted in the way Crystal and Charles could see. Charles. Charles had seen him fall apart again. Charles saw the broken pieces of him once again, what if this is when he notices that’s he doesn’t want to spend eternity with such a broken ghost. What if this is the time that Charles can finally see what everyone else does about Edwin. That they are better off without him. He goes to get from their bed to go and hide for a bit. He really is ashamed of himself for breaking down in such a way. He hated it when he reacted so poorly alone let alone letting his boyfriend see him break.
“Where are you going love” Charles holds on tighter to him before he can get too far away. Charles doesn’t know what to expect from Edwin right now, but he has a feeling if he lets him walk away, he won’t see Edwin for a while.
“I- I. I apologize for my behavior last night. It brought back memories of my t-time in Hell. I fear I reacted rather unnecessarily dramatically and”
“Oi absolutely not. You stop all that right now will ya. You will not apologize for anything because you have done nothing wrong. You hear me? Absolutely nothing. You listen to me yeah. You had memories of decades in literal Hell come back to you of course you would have been distraught after. I don’t know what you have been dealing with for the last few months”
“Nothing is go-”
“Edwin Payne do not lie to me. I may not be the brains, but I am not stupid. Something is wrong and I have let you try and work through it on your own. But after last night and today I don’t believe that the two things are unconnected so please Edwin just tell me love. I beg of you too let me help.” Charles has that look on his face now. The one he always gets when he does whatever is necessary to protect his loved ones. And Edwin is his most precious loved one, so if he must pry into Edwins’s mind for him to be able to help him than that’s what he shall do.
Edwin sighs he knows that Charles won’t let this go until he knows. He’s worried and perfect and exactly the type of person who should be as far from Edwin as possible, so he doesn’t ruin him too. “I haven’t been withdrawing lately because of hell. Last night, Hell was the only thing I could think about and all I wanted was to be held by you, so I knew I was not alone. I appreciate you for all you’re help last night but I do not wish to be a burden”
“You are not a burden. Never have been and never will be.” Charles tells him with absolute certainty that Edwin nearly cries. Charles doesn’t make a habit of lying to Edwin, in fact Charles is one of the only people that will tell Edwin the truth no matter how much he doesn’t wish to hear it. “Holding you will never be a burden, Edwin. I’ll always hold you hurting or not. Happy or sad I’ll be there.”
At that Edwin does start crying. “I just don’t want to be too much. I don’t want to scare you away.”
“Scary? My love you’re divine. Even if you turned into a poltergeist and started killing everyone, I’d be right by your side if that’s what you’d wish. Forever means forever to me. Can you please tell me what’s been on your mind love?”
“I don’t hate touch.” Edwin looks at Charles and knows without a shadow of a doubt that he can trust him. Charles would never judge him, and he is quite literally asking him to tell him. He crawls back into his space in Charles’ arms and puts his head on his chest, so he doesn’t have to look at him. He’s not worried that Charles will judge him but that does not mean that this is any less mortifying to admit. “I think I ought to start from the beginning. When I was living, touch wasn’t a good thing in my life, it was emotionless necessities or painful experiences. When I was in Hell the first time, I could feel even though I was dead. It was only pain, there isn’t much room for much else down there. I thought that it was quite fitting, at the time, that the way I was so averse to touch in my life that my death considered of constant scream filled agonizing touch. I thought that’s what I deserved. I knew I didn’t look at girls the way the other boys did, but I did notice the boys. A boy who wants to touch boys spent a lifetime being punished through touch. Then you came along and showed me that maybe touch did not have to be so painful or meaningless. Then Port Townsend happened, and I went to Hell, you saved me from Hell and then I was tortured by a witch. My body and mind were exposed to the familiarity of the touch of pain. I was certain I would go back to struggling with contact, but I didn’t. It’s the opposite honestly, I wanted to touch you all the time. I wanted to hold your hand, to hug you, I just wanted as much of you as you’d give me. After Port Townsend touching you wasn’t a sweet treat, I wished for but a craving I thought I might die without if I wasn’t already dead. That terrified me, so I stopped the touching hoping that it would be enough to fix myself.” Charles lifted Edwins head off his chest and looked at him with pure devotion, love, and endearment.
“You deserved better than what you got when you were living, baby. If I could go back in time and kick all their sorry ass’s I would. There is nothing wrong with you for loving me or liking boys in general. Anything for my love. But love, you are an idiotic genius. There's nothing wrong with wanting touch. You didn’t have a good experience with it before but now you do, and you feel safe enough to need it. You don’t even have to ask, just throw yourself at me and I’ll catch you like always yeah?” Charles pulled Edwin on top of him and held him close. “We’ll stay just like this yeah. When you get restless love just tell me and we can go find something for you to exercise that big brain you’ve got.”
“I would like that. I love you.” Edwin smiles and buries his face into Charles’ neck.
“I love you. I’ve got you baby, just let me hold you and rest love.” Charles holds him even tighter and plays with Edwins’s hair.
Everything is not fixed. Edwin will still have insecurities. Charles has his own difficulties with vulnerability they will have to work through. They both know they are in this together and will be able to fight back against the demons in their minds with the comfort of the other. Charles and Edwin will always know that together they can help the world but if one was to separate them, they would bend Heaven and Hell to find each other once again.