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When Park Jimin decided to run for Student Council President, he did it to get extra points to college. When Park Jimin decided to run for Student Council President, he expected to deal with trivial matters such as financing his school's Table Tennis Association or handling charity events. When Park Jimin decided to run for Student Council President, he definitely didn't sign up for investigating the case of the post-it penis vandal.
At first, nobody noticed the little post-it notes that the clever delinquent decided to stick randomly in places nobody would expect them to be. For example, behind all the malfunctioning radiators in some classrooms. But it was just the beginning. They soon started appearing more frequently in more visible places - on doors, announcement boards, lockers, the picture of the principal and chairs.
Park Jimin found it a little funny, as his sense of humor was still a little immature. He actually admired the guy or girl who did that. These weren't just ordinary dicks. They were extremely realistic. It felt so real, Jimin sometimes wanted to give it a blowjob.
But all the fun ended when on one Monday, he walked into his little office and everything was covered in dick.
The walls were plastered with colorful post-its. His desk was covered in dick pics. His windows looked like those stain glass windows you see in church, but with cocks skillfully drawn on the small pieces of paper. All of his stationary was wrapped in manhoods. The most impressive was his floor though - the carpet was gone, and instead there was a wonderful mosaic of post-it notes presenting a huge, veiny phallus. Jimin felt like crying and laughing at the same time. He ended up calling the principal.
The problem with the post-it notes was the fact that the dick who was behind this whole junk was clever enough to stick his mini-masterpieces with glue. Which made it extremely hard to scrape off. Jimin and the janitor were cursing the cock-obsessed prick during the most tragic ten hours of their life.
The principal decided that Jimin, as the President of the Student Council and the (unfortunately talented) weiner's victim, was in charge of identifying the criminal. Which Jimin had to agree to, despite his lack of deduction skill.
He asked his best friend Taehyung and his boyfriend Namjoon for help. Namjoon would be much help with the IQ of apparently 148, and Taehyung's thinking out of the box would also be a great advantage.
"So...what do we know?" Namjoon asked, and took a big bite of Mrs. Park's homemade pizza.
"This guy, or girl, likes drawing...weewaawoodl," Jimin mumbled the last part incoherently.
"Jeshush Jimin shpeak upf," Taehyung groaned, his mouth full.
"He likes drawing...wing wang woodles," he whispered.
"What?"
"WING WANG WOODLES OKAY? THIS GUY, OR GIRL, LIKES DRAWING EXPLICIT PICTURES OF BALONEY PONIES. FUCK WANDS! FUN STICKS! METER LONG KING KONG DONGS! DO YOU GET IT?"
Taehyung fell off Namjoon's lap and nearly choked on his pizza, while Namjoon was too busy crying to help his boyfriend up.
"H..hey Namjoonnie," Taehyung giggled, "doncha think Jimin's being a w..wing wang woodle today?"
Namjoon burst out laughing once again and Jimin decided that Mensa is overrated.
*
Jimin came to the conclusion that the aspiring Banksy (or should he say Banksy Junior) probably must be in art class. All in all, the drawings were really amazing. Jimin didn't see a lot of schlongs in his life, but these definitely looked similar to his dongadoodle. (And quite frankly, if the dick's dick looked like the dick in the dick pics, Jimin would really like to get some good dicking.)
So he went through all the students who have been taking art class for the last three years, and got decent grades. Unfortunately, every single one of them received an A. He then went through the art club's attendance list from the past years and his suspect list narrowed to a mere 200. Fuck.
He wailed out loud and started putting the useless files back. Kim Seokjin, who kept the archives in order, asked if Jimin needed any help.
"No, thank you Hyung," Jimin sighed, "unless you know who is dicking the whole school."
Seokjin choked on his spit and started coughing loudly. Jimin grew suspicious. Could his Hyung possibly know something? But he just bid him goodbye and left.
Namjoon and Taehyung didn't believe him. They both agreed that Seokjin couldn't possibly have anything to do with it.
"My brother is too much of a pussy to draw dicks," Taehyung laughed, "he wouldn't dare to do anything like this. And he can't draw for shit."
"Perhaps he knows who did it though? It really looked suspicious, Tae," Jimin insisted and Namjoon laughed.
"His friends are even bigger wieners than Seokjin. I mean Jung Hoseok - that guy wouldn't risk his position of head cheerleader. And Min Yoongi? He has absolutely no energy to do anything. And his dick definitely doesn't look like the one in the pictures," Namjoon smirked to himself and Taehyung punched him with a huff. Namjoon just petted his head and gave him a short kiss. And Jimin didn't feel like eating his lunch anymore.
Taehyung, in a better mood, said, "if you really want to know if it was one of them, you can just ask."
"No, no, no, no! God, Tae, no! They'll think I'm creepy, no Tae please," but it was no use, because Taehyung already climbed off Namjoon's comfortable lap and headed to his brother's table.
"Taehyung, please, no!"
"Seokjin Hyung," he yelled, "are you the one who's wing wang woodling the school? Or is it one of your friends by any chance? Because Jiminnie here strongly suspects that it's one of you dickheads," he gestured at his exasperated friend, who prayed to God to let him just die or at least disappear.
Seokjin on the other hand was choking on his food, while Hoseok was laughing his ass off and Yoongi remained motionless.
"That's not true Hyung I promise, I wouldn't do anything of that sort I swear," Jimin was rambling, trying hard to muster his dignity.
"Kim Taehyung, stop embarrassing Jimin. We both know it wasn't any of us. And what you're doing is obvious making Jimin, and your brother for the matter, feel uncomfortable," Yoongi spoke up unexpectedly, "Jimin, if he's pestering you, you can always come here."
Jimin was speechless. Seokjin was speechless. Hoseok was speechless. Namjoon, who came along, was speechless. Even Kim Taehyung himself was speechless. Because for the first time in about a year, Min Yoongi said something. In somebody's defense. And that person was Park Jimin. Whose name Yoongi knew. And it wasn't typical of Min Yoongi to do such things.
"Thank you, Yoongi Hyung," Jimin said, and, to everybody's surprise, sat down next to him. And all hell broke loose.
*
"Why are you looking so sullen these days, Jimin-ah?" Yoongi asked Jimin on Friday, while walking him to class after lunch.
"You know the penis guy? That dickhead who draws these really realistic sketches of, well, dicks and he recently started posting these drawings all around school and he actually taped them all over my office like two weeks ago and the principal is making me find out who it is," Jimin told Yoongi and the older nodded his head.
"Okay...so apart from Seokjin Hyung, Hoseok and me, do you have any suspects?" Yoongi half-smiled and Jimin blushed.
"Hyung, I-"
"I'm just messing with you, Jimin-ah. It's funny how you blush like a hormonal teenage girl at whatever I say," Yoongi giggled and Jimin nearly fainted. He giggled. Min Yoongi giggled. Min fucking Yoongi giggled. And it was the most beautiful sound Jimin has ever heard.
"I have no idea who it might be, Hyung. But that's not what's bothering me. That person obviously hates me. I mean, he or she must really loathe me to waste their whole weekend just to destroy my office."
Yoongi cleared his throat, "do you know what guys, or girls, do in preschool when there's a guy, or girl, they like?"
Jimin didn't know.
"Well, they purposely annoy him, or her, to get his, or her, attention. And sometimes, this guy, or girl, grows up and stays the exact same pathetic sociopath he was in preschool. And if there suddenly comes a guy, or girl, who becomes this guy's, or girl's, sunshine. And they can't deal with the stupid feelings he, or she, has for this particular boy, or girl, and he, or she, decides to get this person's attention in a fucked up way like, for example, dicking the guy's, or girl's office. D'you get it?"
Jimin didn't.
*
Jimin was walking to his locker on a bright Monday morning, trailing behind Namjoon and Taehyung, who was actually piggy backed by Namjoon, because they liked making him feel like a third wheel.
When they finally reached their locker, Jimin was about to start crying. Because it was covered in very familiar post-it notes. But these were different. On every single dick, there was a short message.
"You look beautiful when you smile" cock #1 said.
"Your laugh makes my day," baby-maker #2 claimed.
"You deserve the world," beaver basher #3 stated.
"I want to pinch your cheeks," admitted piss weasel #4.
"You are so kind," insisted whoopie stick #5.
The list went on and on until Jimin reached the last donger, #53, that simply said "I love you".
"Jimin," Namjoon asked, "why is the dick-obsessed dickhead confessing his love for you on more than fifty sketches of fucking dicks? And why the hell are you crying over that?"
Jimin didn't even notice he was crying. But indeed, tears were streaming down his face. It was beautiful. It was the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for him.
"I swear to god Jagi, be a little more empathetic. And why the hell didn't you confess like this, huh? I deserve a proper confession!" Taehyung started swatting Namjoon's head in disapproval. Jimin didn't care though. He was too busy staring at the cockfession.
"Do you get what I said on Friday now, Jishit?" A voice spoke right beside him.
"Hyung? It was you all this time?" Jimin exclaimed, trying extremely hard not to straddle Yoongi in the hallway.
"Who else?" Yoongi moved a little closer and wiped away Jimin's tears, "I didn't want to make you cry though."
"This...this is incredible Hyung. Thank you...so much," Jimin whispered and wrapped his arms around Yoongi and the older pulled him into a warm embrace.
"Would you like to go out on a date with me Park Jimin? I'll have lots of time to take you out, due to my most probable suspension for destroying public property," Yoongi laughed and Jimin nodded.
"You could say he cocked his way to Jimin's heart," Taehyung whispered to Namjoon, making him burst out laughing once again.
*
Min Yoongi was not suspended. In fact, he wasn't even blamed for what had happened. Some freshman, Jeon Jungkook, came to the principal's office and saved Yoongi's ass by taking the blame. (Seokjin may have bribed him with a date, not that Yoongi knew of it.)
He and Jimin went out on a few dates until Jimin said it was enough waiting and asked Yoongi to be his boyfriend, officially. After Yoongi agreed, Jimin finally straddled him. And Yoongi's dick looked even better than the one on the drawings.
After a few years, Yoongi proposed to Jimin (with a cock ring of course) and they got married a year later. Indeed, the way to a man's heart is through his dick.