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Caspian stepped out from inside the ship and was greeted by the salty aroma of the sea and the night wind. The silence of the late night accompanied him once again as he went out to look at the sky and think, one of his favorite pastimes.
As he headed to the center of the deck, he saw that he wouldn't be alone tonight. He would have company that he appreciated and, to some extent, expected. Peter.
The blond was leaning against the ship's railing, looking up at the sky. He seemed both focused and lost in his thoughts. It was rare to see him awake at this hour of the night.
Caspian approached slowly, trying not to startle Peter. When he reached his side, he leaned against the railing and looked up at the sky. The moon was just a sliver, waning into a new cycle, leaving the environment in a barely lit darkness.
"Hi," the blond said softly.
"Hi," Caspian replied.
They remained silent for a while, Caspian looking at the sky and then at Peter, repeating the process several times. Peter, for his part, alternated his gaze between the sky and the sea, probably watching their progress. And sometimes, Caspian could see him glancing at him out of the corner of his eye, almost as if he wanted to avoid it, almost as if he wanted it to go unnoticed.
"It's unusual to see you awake at this hour."
"I couldn't sleep and wanted some peace," Peter replied. "Lying down, my mind kept racing."
"You did well to come then. I always come out at this hour to look at the sky and think. It helps me clear my mind, put things in order."
"Curiously, I didn't expect anything different from you," Peter said with a chuckle.
"Probably because it all fits the image of a sailor and a man who loves the sea, right?" Caspian added. "And also loves the stars, the moon, and navigates by them, like a good sailor."
After that, Caspian could see that Peter's face changed, as if he had a doubt. He was looking at the sea while biting his lips, a common habit of the blond when he had something on his mind, as Caspian had noticed.
"Can I ask a question that might be uncomfortable and out of place?"
"Yes, Peter." After a pause, the dark-haired man added, "After all, I don't think there's anything that could make me uncomfortable if it comes from you."
"What happened with your marriage? With Lilliandil?" the blond's voice was closer to a whisper.
Hearing the question, Caspian let out a small laugh. "Is it because of my liking or love for the stars?" At this, Peter just nodded. Caspian could tell he was still mulling over something in his mind. "Well, it's a long story. If you don't mind..."
"Honestly, I have all night. I don't think I'll be able to sleep."
And so, with this response, Caspian began to tell his story, answering Peter's questions: "To begin with, as you know, we were married, had Rilian, and formed a family. But, as you also know, we left that behind, we separated, and annulled the marriage, here."
"Why?"
"We were apart for several years. They were kidnapped, Rilian and Lilliandil. I searched for them for years, but at the same time, I had to move forward. I was the king of Narnia, I had an entire kingdom to care for, people who depended on me." Caspian recounted calmly, with a hint of the weight the situation had placed on him. "When we saw each other again, in Aslan's country, we realized it was no longer the same. We were no longer the same. In that time, we both had made our lives as best we could. She returned to her family, as a star. We decided it was best to separate, to continue with our lives, and annulled the marriage."
With all this information, the blond simply remained silent, looking at him with an intensity, accentuated by the deep blue of his eyes.
"In the end, it was the best decision for both of us," Caspian continued. "It was a mature decision, one I don't regret. I couldn't stay in a marriage where I no longer had feelings for the other person, and vice versa."
"Don't you love her? Don't you miss her?"
"Not anymore, to both questions. I did love her at the time, and I did miss her, but not anymore. Over time, not only did the feelings fade, but I also realized things. We were a good couple, good lovers, and that's it. Things were missing for me, I wanted to be more than good, to be more than lovers. That also influenced my decision."
"I understand," Peter said.
"What about you?" Caspian asked. Peter let out a kind of laugh and sigh. For Caspian, seeing him like this, seeming nervous, was something endearing.
"Well, there were no marriages on my part, and as I know you read everything about the history of Narnia, I know you know that." The blond hesitated and added, "But at the time I did try to find a wife. I felt the weight of having an heir. It just didn't work out, and then we ended up going back to our world."
"It's strange that you worried about an heir, being four kings, with your siblings."
"It wasn't that simple. Susan never found a good suitor; they all ended up being disrespectful, at the very least. Edmund had no interest in looking for someone,he was just waiting to meet a girl and see what happened; in the meantime, he focused on the administration and justice of the kingdom. And Lucy was and still is, to some extent, like a child, free and focused on other things." Thus, talking about his siblings, Caspian could see Peter's shy and happy smile, which he liked so much. "So, it was up to me to see about the heir. And being the High King only increased the pressure. But it didn't happen."
Both men fell silent again, both looking at the sky, one to the east, the other to the west.
"And lovers?" Caspian asked after a few minutes.
"In Narnia, no one. I was afraid. I was afraid of ruining it, I felt a lot of pressure as a king to do things right. I felt I had to find a wife, get married. I didn't want to fail or disappoint anyone. Not the people, not my peers, or my family." It sounded almost like a confession from the blond, and that fear was still somewhat noticeable. Although seeing him like this wasn't something Caspian preferred, as he wanted the blond's happiness, he would cherish and value this moment of vulnerability and closeness they were having with Peter.
"In your world, you didn't have anyone either?"
"Yes, two people. With one, it never amounted to anything; I don't even know if I could say we were lovers. Then came a bad relationship, very bad, where I gave up a lot of myself to please the other person. But as I'm a desperately romantic fool, I stayed until the end in both cases, until they decided to leave."
"It seems strange to me; you're the High King," Caspian said.
"Well, I'm a romantic idiot, and I didn't think I would ever find anyone else, anyone better, in either of those times. Nor in my life. At first, I thought I could never find someone I liked who would also be interested in me, have a relationship, and start a family."
"I still find it strange about the High King; I don't think it would be so hard for you to charm any woman, Pete." With a smile, Caspian added, "Not only are you attractive, but you're also a great person."
"Still... it wouldn't work that way," Peter whispered, looking at the sea again, seeming a bit embarrassed, shy.
And just as Caspian was about to insist, he realized that maybe Peter didn't like women, and while that was a plus for him, who was pursuing the blond, it wasn't the right moment to focus on that. "I think I understand now, Peter. It's harder when you don't like women."
That only provoked a reaction in Peter that the dark-haired man didn't expect. He looked at him quickly, with an expression akin to panic on his face, with his body tense.
To calm him down, Caspian placed a hand on his shoulder and added, "Relax, I'm not judging you," in a whisper. Seeing that the other man was startled by the movement and tensed up more, he decided to lower his hand but move closer to him and said, "I understand it firsthand; it's harder to court men." It was a kind of confession for another, one that had been stolen.
"What?" Peter said, his voice a bit raised, recovering some posture due to the surprise.
"To be honest, in my youth and before seeking marriage, I had lovers. Among them are three men I liked." And in a barely audible voice, Caspian added, "and counting."
After hearing that, still surprised, Peter asked, "You were never afraid?"
"No, why were you? There's nothing wrong with it."
"I know there's nothing wrong with loving the people you love. It's just that in my world, it was considered wrong. It was illegal. It carried horrible penalties, and even if it didn't get to the legal level, you weren't accepted: you were met with beatings, rejection, and more."
"How awful." Realizing what that could mean, the dark-haired man added, "Fortunately, we're in Aslan's country. Here, everyone is accepted and loved."
"I know, and I'm grateful for that," Peter said, turning around and looking at the same point in the sky that Caspian was, maintaining the closeness. "Still, sometimes all of that, this, leaves me feeling bad."
"Honestly, it's understandable. It was a whole life living like that." At his comment, Peter just nodded while looking at him. Caspian smiled at him, and receiving his smile, Peter's face changed. It was a smile combined with an expression that Caspian wasn't sure he could decipher; he looked beautiful and tempted him to kiss him or fix his hair, tousled by the ocean wind. But it wasn't the time; he didn't know how Peter felt and didn't want to make him uncomfortable, it was too soon.
"Going back to the uncomfortable questions," Peter said after being silent for a few minutes, "What could possibly surpass falling in love and marrying a star for someone who loves the stars?"
"I'm going to compare, but, one thing is a star, with which you fall in love, you look at it every night, you search for it. It's there for you to adore, observe, and even know things about it." After thinking a little more, Caspian added, "That star can go out, or it can lose its shine. There are more things that catch your attention; you can't focus solely on that star, and it stops being what you searched for every night."
Both men shared a look, Caspian felt happy with the blond by his side, seeing his calmness, being like a kind of anchor to his thoughts.
"I think what can surpass a star that one was in love with is the Sun," Caspian continued. "That's what I seek, the Sun. It provides warmth, guides us, gives us energy. It's always there, even at night, we know it will return. Someone bright, who generates that in me. I want someone who is not only a good lover, but better than good, who can also be a companion, a friend. That's something that would surpass any star, the Sun."
With this new confession, Caspian noticed that Peter looked away and bit his lips again, finally saying, "In the golden age, when I reigned, they called me the Sun. I was the guide for the Narnians. And the funniest thing is that Mom calls me a ray of sunshine."
"I know they called you the sun of Narnia. I was a great admirer of your stories." They exchanged a look filled with intensity and emotions, still undecipherable for both of them.
"I know that admiration broke upon meeting me. I'm far from being the man of the legends." After a laugh, Peter added, "Besides, we had a nasty fight at the beginning."
At this, Caspian shared the laugh and said, "It's true we fought, we clashed a lot. It's also true I expected someone different. A hero to save me, an adult who had everything figured out. Now I know that doesn't exist, and I don't expect it from anyone, not even myself."
"Sometimes it's hard for me not to expect that from myself. I've always felt a great burden. I think that didn't help when we first met."
"The good thing is that we've changed and now we get along well." Caspian said with a smile, grateful for it.
"Yes. I changed a lot, matured, and solved problems I had." Caspian nodded in agreement with the blond's statement, indicating he had gone through the same. "Although we still have our disagreements, I'm happy to have your company, Caspian."
"I feel the same, Pete."
After that, they fell silent again, looking at the stars. Caspian sat down, leaning his back against the railing, and Peter followed suit. It was one or two hours until dawn.
"If I had to compare you to a celestial body, I'd say you're the Moon," Peter said, his eyes fixed on the sky. "It generates calm, makes me think of introspection. People are always amazed when they see it. It illuminates the darkness, with tranquility. It has a close relationship with the sea, the sky, the stars."
"And with the Sun," Caspian added. "It shines thanks to it, they share the sky and are guides for people, they illuminate us. Opposite companions in an eternal dance."
After thinking for a while, the blond began to speak again. "I understand what you mean when you say you seek someone who can be a companion, friend, lover, and partner. I seek someone like that too," Peter confessed in a whisper. "If I allow myself to dream, I seek someone like that, someone to love and who will love me completely, who understands me and makes me feel at peace."
"I believe and hope you can find that, Peter. I share your dream and know we can achieve it."
"Thank you, Caspian."
When Caspian thought they were going to fall silent again, Peter asked, "Since we're talking about celestial bodies, can you tell me about the sky and its stars? It's been years since anyone has told me stories or talked to me about Narnian stars." With a laugh, Caspian nodded and began to talk about the stars, constellations, and their stories.
Waiting for dawn, with the cool sea breeze and the whisper of its waves, the voices of two men alternated, sharing stories, knowledge, and affection. The nighttime calm, with the moon awaiting the rise of the sun, soothing them as they drifted off to sleep.