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Sirius swung the door to their dorm open and hurled himself onto his bed. James was there, reading a quidditch magazine he’d already flipped through a thousand times, but the others were out. Remus was down in the library and Peter had followed behind him, begging him to help him with his essay for History of Magic.
Sirius lay with his arms and legs sprawled out like a starfish and he was out of breath from running all the way there from nearly the other side of the school. He used one hand to loosen his tie and slipped it over his head, then tossed it to the floor. Remus always got fussy when Sirius threw his stuff on the ground, so he resolved to pick it up before they got back from the library.
Nevermind all that though, Sirius had more important matters to deal with.
“James,” he said, once he’d sufficiently caught his breath. “James, I've had an epiphany.”
“Uh huh… What is it, Padfoot?” He asked, not looking up from his magazine. Sirius sat up just to snatch the thing out of his hands. “Hey-“ James started, disgruntled.
“This is important James. A realization that changes the course of my life. Something that redefines the world as we know it,” Sirius told him, throwing his hands up, and, in the process, accidentally chucking James’s magazine across the room.
“Okay then,” James said, nodding gravely. “Tell me.” He swung his legs over the edge of his bed so that he was facing Sirius and rested his elbows on his knees. His hands were clasped together with his index fingers up and covering his mouth.
“Moony is in love with me.”
For a second James just looked at him. Sirius wished that moment of blissful peace could’ve lasted longer, but alas, it was not to be. James burst into laughter.
He flopped over on his bed and wrapped his arms around his stomach, his entire body shaking. The barking laugh echoed through the room and then he had the audacity to wipe tears from his eyes.
“I- I can’t breathe,” he gasped out through chuckles. Sirius gave him a good smack to the back of his head and James tried to contain himself.
“I’m being serious James!” Sirius said. “Moony is definitely into me.”
“Pfft- yeah right, and I’m the queen of England.” James shook his head like he couldn’t believe what was happening. “Look Sirius, I support you, I really do, but when has Moony given any indication that he’s interested in you that way?”
“Wh- bl- tuh- plenty of times,” Sirius spluttered, and then crossed his arms defiantly.
“Okaaay,” James replied, moving his hand and gesturing for Sirius to continue. “Like…?”
“Well- well yesterday in potions class he looked at me! Twice!”
James put his face in his hands, as if to say Sirius, you stupid bitch. “Sirius, hon, I love you, but Jesus Christ.”
“No no you don’t get it Prongs!” Sirius jumped to defend himself. “He had no reason to look at me. I literally sit behind him. Obviously the only reason he’d look back at me- twice no less!- Is because he’s completely enamoured, of course.”
“Yeah or maybe he just wanted to make sure you didn’t blow your face off by accident,” James shot back, raising an eyebrow.
“Hey! I’ll have you know that I am in fact very capable in potions, and only ever blow things up on purpose,” Sirius said, crossing his arms with a huff. “Besides, even if it was because he thought I was a safety hazard, the point is that he cares.”
James muttered something that sounded suspiciously close to “What has the world come to?” He lifted his head up and looked at Sirius with tired and mildly concerned eyes. “That’s not the only reason right? You do have more, don’t you? Please please please don’t say that the only reason you think Remus is in love with you is because he looked at you.”
“Twice-“ Sirius added petulantly, “ -but no, that’s not all.”
“Oh thank god!” James said and let out a loud sigh of relief. “For a second there I was almost worried- wait… what are these supposed… other signs?”
Sirius scoffed, he wasn’t delusional. So, yeah, maybe the whole looking at him thing wasn’t exactly the most concrete evidence, but there were certainly other hints that gave away Remus’s true feelings. Like- uh. Like…
“Yesterday he said good morning-“
James slapped a hand to his face.
“Once he told me my shoes were untied-“
James made a dying-whale-strangled-hyena sound.
“No, actually, yknow what? It’s an intuition thing. Okay? A gut feeling.” Sirius said, giving up with the pathetic excuse of reasoning.
“Sirius,” James began, “I don’t think that-“
Sirius interrupted him with a silencing finger in front of his face. “Apapapa shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I don’t take criticism, thank you.”
“There’s literally no way that Remus-“
“SHHHHHHHHH. What did I just say James? What did I just say?” Sirius shook his head with disapproval. “I don’t need this kind of negativity in my life,” he said, gesturing to James. “What I do need is a plan.” Sirius stroked his imaginary beard contemplatively.
“What are you gonna try to, like… seduce him or something?” James asked.
“No, because he’s already in love.” Sirius replied. “Keep up James,” he said and then clapped his hands together. “What I need is a way to show him that I feel the same way. I’ll build up the romantic tension so much that he won’t be able to ignore it anymore and he’ll be forced to finally ask me out.”
“Wait a minute- if you’re so sure that he’s in love with you, why don’t you just ask him out yourself?”
Sirius paused for a second. That did seem a lot more straightforward, didn’t it? He was tempted, but quickly shook off that idea. “Tsk tsk, love is a form of art Prongs, don’t rush the process.”
The truth was that Sirius was scared. He was scared of being rejected, scared that his “gut feeling” was wrong. There were very few things that Sirius Black feared,
but to not have his love returned was one he kept hidden deep down.
If he had one fear, it would be being unloved. Alone. He’d spent too much of his life with no one in his corner. No one at his back to catch him when he fell, no one to lean on, not even a shoulder to cry on. Before the marauders, there was nobody who would love him unconditionally.
“I’ll naturally build it up through flirting and dropping hints, then I’ll just wait for him to ask me out,” Sirius said.
Sirius loved with his whole heart. Sometimes he felt like no one would love him back in the same way. That he’d always be the one hanging on, more invested, more entrenched in his love for the other person than they ever could be for him.
He couldn’t take the risk of making the first real move, because he would so much rather live in ignorance of rejection than have to face a Remus that didn’t care for Sirius the way he did for him.
It fucking hurts when you have everything, all your hopes, pinned on one person who really couldn’t care less about you at the end of the day.
Maybe Sirius was being reckless or irresponsible with his already bleeding heart, but he had long since lost control of it. How could he have stopped himself from loving someone like Moony anyways?
He desperately wanted to believe that when Remus saw his broken parts, he wouldn’t scoff or turn away. That he would cradle the shards of what had once made Sirius whole, and whisper into his ear the love he had always longed for.
He knew Remus wasn’t perfect either, he certainly had his own slew of problems and he didn’t expect them to be able to fix each other, but he thought maybe they’d be able to provide one another with the warm comfort they had always been denied. To find solace in each other would be a merciful blessing to the both of them, and maybe, just maybe, together they could feel a bit more whole.
————
It was Monday morning and Sirius was sitting in the great hall with James and Peter, eating breakfast. He was ready to put his plan into motion. Er well, basically ready. He was just mentally psyching himself up at this point. He took a breath in, then let it out. Now he was ready. Time to turn the charm on.
He’d start off easy, just lay on some compliments. Nice and subtle. Piece of cake right? He was absolutely head over heels in love, and his inner monologue was usually just him waxing poetic about Remus’s smarts, and talent, and humour, and personality, and voice, and hands, and eyes, and lips. And wow, was it getting hot in here, or what?
But when he saw Remus walking towards their table, with his half lidded eyes and bed head, all coherent thoughts instantly evaporated.
“Morning,” Remus said, sliding into the empty seat next to Sirius. Their arms brushed as Remus was filling up his plate and Sirius almost fucking died.
Alright this would be a good time to compliment him. Just start small, baby steps. But despite being absolutely horrendously into him, his mind was completely blank.
Er well, maybe not blank per say. Just void of anything he could say out loud.
He wasn’t about to tell Remus that he wanted to envelop him and hold him in his arms for the rest of time like he was the entire world, because to Sirius, he was. That he wanted to marry him, and grow old together, and sit hand in hand watching the sunset with him, overflowing with endless emotion because Remus was the only person Sirius would ever love, and he wanted Remus to be his future. He thought that was coming on a little too strong.
The nature of his other thoughts was no better. While one part of him was imagining their life together, planning romantic dates, and fantasizing about holding Remus’s hand and dancing with him under the moonlight, the other part of him was thinking about how Remus would taste and what it would feel like to have his tongue in his mouth. He wanted to let his hands roam under Remus’s shirt, kiss the line of his jaw and bite his collarbones. It was incredibly embarrassing.
He wasn’t proud of what he came up with. Remus was taking a bite of his toast when Sirius opened his stupid mouth and said “I love your outfit.”
“Um… It’s the school uniform?” Remus replied, wiping crumbs off his mouth.
Sirius mentally slapped himself.
“What I mean is.. uh. Um… it looks really good on you. The school uniform. Like you pull it off well.”
That… that wasn’t too bad… right?
“Bet you’d want him to pull it off for real,” James whispered with a quiet snicker. Sirius shot him a glare, thankfully no one else seemed to hear that.
“Uh thanks I guess. You too.” And then Remus went back to devouring his breakfast.
Across the table he saw James desperately trying to suppress a laugh. Sirius scowled at him, it’s not like James could’ve done any better. He’d seen his flirting game fall flat on its face too many times to count. Just ask Lily. Or Regulus for that matter…. Wait a minute, was Prongs into Sirius’s little brother now? You know what, No. That was a problem for another day. He refused to think about it.
————
He tried again and again throughout the day, but it mostly went the same as it did that morning. Sirius sat in the common room banging his head on a table and complaining to James.
“—stupid,” bang “useless,” bang “brain,” bang.
“Oh come on Padfoot,” James said. “It wasn’t that bad.” He patted Sirius on the shoulder.
Sirius laid a hand over James’s and looked up at his friend with pain in his eyes. “In class I said he looked particularly angular today, James. I told him he has a good number of eyes.”
James tried and failed to cover up a snort with a cough. “I mean, it could be worse right?” He said, shrugging his shoulders.
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?!” Sirius cried out and put his head in his hands.
Just at that moment, Remus and Peter walked in. “You alright there Pads?” Remus asked after overhearing Sirius’s last remark.
“Oh pshhh— he’s fine,” James said with a wave of his hand. “He’s just being a moody git, you know how he is.” James put his hands firmly on Sirius’s shoulders from where he was standing behind him. “I know exactly what’ll cheer you up mate! How ‘bout a little quidditch practice?”
Sirius let out a long melodramatic sigh. “Well alright then, might as well try to have some fun before my misery consumes my soul and I become another ghost of hogwarts”
James snorted and pulled Sirius up to his feet. “You two wanna join?” He asked, addressing Remus and Peter.
Peter nodded eagerly, happy to be invited as ever. Remus thought for a second. “Sure,” he said. “Why not?”
“Really Remus? But you hate quidditch.” James quirked an eyebrow skeptically. Remus just shrugged and put his hands in his pockets. James looked at Remus, then at Sirius, then back at Remus again. He had the smallest, almost imperceptible smile gracing his lips.
“What are you grinning at?” Remus asked accusationaly, crossing his arms. You can always count on Remus to catch the little details. That was part of why Sirius admired him so much. He had such amazing attention to detail and he just cared. It was sort of beautiful.
“Nothing, nothing,” James said, raising his hands placatingly. “Just happy you’re joining us.”
“Well alright then, let’s get going shall we?” Remus replied.
“Sure thing.”
————
They played a mini game together, Sirius and Peter against James and Remus. James had been right, Sirius felt so much better. Soaring through the air on his broom, he tried to let go of the thoughts of his currently failing romance to focus on the game.
If his eyes were dragged to Remus a few more times than what could be deemed average or appropriate, well it wasn’t really anyone’s business, was it? He was doing his best. Sirius was mostly focused on the game, but a not-so-insignificant part of his brain power was being dedicated to stopping himself from actually swooning right there.
Merlin, maybe Sirius had a bit of an issue. Remus wasn’t even doing anything particularly charming or impressive. He literally sucked at quidditch. He sucked so bad. He nearly crashed into the stands twice. Sirius was actually half starting to think he was doing it on purpose for some reason. It would take effort to fly that badly.
Ugh but still. Sirius had never seen someone totally flop at quidditch in such an attractive way. It was genuinely ridiculous. The way Remus bit the inside of his cheek a bit in concentration, how his beautiful eyes shone in the sunlight and how the wind ruffled his hair, it was all ridiculous!
Sirius wanted so desperately to go over there and smooth out the crease between Remus’s eyebrows with his thumb. To fly over and cup his flushed face with his hands. To intertwine their fingers and kiss him silly until they fell off their brooms.
And just at that moment Remus got hit in the face with the quaffle.
It just smacked him dead center in the forehead. The way it bounced right off his head was almost comedic. Sirius probably would’ve laughed if it was anyone else. Remus groaned and rubbed his forehead. Sirius heard him utter “God, why me?” And flew over to him.
“Are you okay?!” Sirius asked frantically, “Do you need to go to the infirmary? I can take you there!”
Remus gave a little huff of laughter and shot a soft smile at Sirius. “It's just a quaffle,” Remus told him. “It’s like getting hit with a deflated volleyball.”
What the hell is a voll-ee-ball? Whatever, not important. Sirius just needed to make sure Remus was okay. “It doesn’t hurt too bad, does it? You aren’t dizzy or anything? Are you sure you’re okay?”
Remus sighed a little bit. “I’m literally fine Sirius. I’m just gonna sit this game out, I think this is just another sign from above that I’m not meant for sports.” He chuckled and brushed his wind blown hair out of his face.
Sirius’s heart melted. It was ridiculous how insanely in love he was. Remus could just breathe and Sirius would feel like his heart was exploding and his soul was leaving his body to ascend to heaven.
He had the most beautiful smile, Remus. The upturn of his lips, the glint of his teeth, it was breathtaking. God and his laugh. It was the kind of sound you could get high on, the sort of thing that’s addictive. And boy did Sirius have an addiction.
He needed Remus. He needed to see that smile, to hear that laugh, he wished he could just let his senses all be completely overwhelmed with just him. That would be purely euphoric.
Sirius couldn’t live without Remus, he just couldn’t. Hopefully, he’d never have to. Hopefully they’d never have to say their goodbyes, never split apart, never leave each other. Just walk their paths side by side, hand in hand.
“I’ll sit with you then,” Sirius says, clasping a hand on Remus’s shoulder in what he hopes is a casual manner.
“Well alright then, suit yourself.” Remus shrugged and Sirius dropped his hand. They flew over to the bleachers and set their brooms down side by side.
Neither of them spoke, they just looked out into the field where Peter and James were messing around while the cold wind blew past them.
Wait a minute, wouldn’t this be a great time to do some woo-ing? Sirius wasn’t so sure though, the last couple of attempts were so absolutely awful that he was almost afraid of the nonsense that could come out of his mouth.
Maybe it was time to move on from the compliments phase and lean more into actions. That would be better right? He could still be subtle enough to make it chill and build up what they have, nudging Remus into asking him out a bit.
Really he was just dropping hints y’know? He didn’t want to come on too strong, but at the same time he needed to show Remus that he was interested. It was a delicate balance.
Sirius made a resolve though. He told himself that he would show it through actions moving forwards. He decided that this needed to start right now. He was committed. He steeled himself and sent up a prayer before opening his mouth.
“It sure is chilly, isn’t it? My hands are so cold, I should’ve brought gloves. How about you?” Sirius put one hand on top of Remus’s and swallowed.
“W-wow, your hands are really warm,” Sirius said as he turned Remus’s hand over and intertwined their fingers.
“Really?” Remus said, raising an eyebrow.
Sirius couldn’t contain his smile. I’m holding hands with Remus. “Yeah,” he said. “Mind if I take advantage of your warmth Moony?”
Sirius noticed that Remus was a bit flushed. The cold must be getting to him too. He didn’t lie when he said it was chilly.
“By all means, go ahead,” Remus said. “It is pretty cold out. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t let you?”
And oof that stung. Friend. Right. Because that’s all they were. And would they ever be more than that? Despite how certain and self assured he pretends to be, Sirius knows he’s pretty much deluding himself. For Remus, there’s nothing there. He just sees him as a friend. Sirius hopes that one day that can change. I wish you would love me the way I love you. He needs it to change. He needs it more than anything.
And so he won’t give up. He’ll keep showing Remus how much he means to him. He’ll keep flirting and dropping hints, willingly wearing his heart on his sleeve, as much as he knows how anyways, hoping that one day Remus will reciprocate. Because he’s falling and he’s falling hard. He just hopes that Remus might be at the bottom to catch him.
So he gets a bit bolder with his next move. “How’s your head?” He asked.
Remus rubbed his forehead with his free hand. “Oh it’s alright, just stings a bit,” he replied.
Sirius put one hand behind Remus’s head, in his hair. He lifted his chin and guided Remus’s forehead down, placing a gentle kiss where he had been hit by the quaffle.
Remus blinked at him. “What was that for,” he asked. He seemed even redder than before. Even the tips of his ears were blushed. The cold must really be getting to him, huh?
Sirius slid his hand from the back of Remus’s head to the side of his face. He rubbed his thumb across his cheek, hoping to help warm Remus’s face a bit. Weird, his face already felt hot to the touch. Must’ve been the blood circulating, trying to fight off the chill in the air. Sirius felt Remus shiver, more than saw it.
“You seem cold,” he said. “Do you wanna head in?”
“Um, yeah. Sure. Sounds good.” Remus replied.
————
That night when they were all in their beds, trying to fall asleep, Sirius made his next move. He got up out of his bed and made his way over to Remus. He peeked his head through the closed curtains to see Remus just putting his book down.
Remus looked up and saw Sirius. “Oh. Hi.”
“Hi,” Sirius replied. “Um, I’m having trouble sleeping.” That was true. “Uh, can I stay with you? Just… to not be alone?”
“Of course,” Remus said, scooching over to make room. “Anything.”
Sirius loved that about Remus. He was so selfless and compassionate. The best kinds of people were the people with big hearts and lots of empathy.
Sirius was a traumatized little bitch, so he often got nightmares that caused him to wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.
Sleeping next to a warm body could definitely help. He just hadn’t had the guts to ask.
Sirius was certainly a brave person, but it was different when it came to things like this. He was afraid of being vulnerable. It took a lot out of him to try to rely on other people. But here he was anyway, because well… it was Remus.
Sirius slid into the bed under the covers next to Remus. The small bed barely fit both of them and they had to squish themselves together in order to not fall off.
For the sake of comfort Sirius laid on his side and put his head on Remus’s chest. If asked he would just say there wasn’t enough space.
“Is this okay?” Sirius asked quietly.
“Uh yeah. Of course.” Remus replied.
Sirius could hear Remus’s heart beating through his chest. It seemed abnormally fast to him, but maybe he was just imagining things. It’s not like he had any scale of comparison, he didn’t listen to people’s heartbeats on the regular.
Or maybe Sirius wasn’t wrong and Remus just normally had a fast heartbeat. Maybe because he was a werewolf or something? That seemed legit.
Sirius’s thoughts wandered to his plan of action. He knew that he should probably draw out this stage more, wait at least a week or two, but he didn’t want to do that.
Sirius Black was many things, but patient was not one of them. He had already been pining pathetically for long enough. He promised himself that he would confess the next day.
He knew that his whole plan basically relied on Remus asking him out first, that was the whole goal after all, but he just couldn’t do it anymore. He gave it the good old college try, but it was time to take his fate into his own hands. Actually this time.
It was going to be hard, could possibly put a strain on their friendship if it went badly, and could end up a huge mess because of Sirius’s self-sabotaging doubt, but it needed to happen. He needed Remus like he needed air. No pain no gain right? Sirius had to take a bit of an emotional risk.
————
The next morning, Sirius was uncharacteristically quiet at breakfast. He was too busy with his deep complentation.
How should he word his confession? Would it be too much to dedicate his life to Remus and promise to one day marry him? Probably. Where should they go for their first date? Somewhere in Hogsmeade he supposed.
What if Remus rejected him?
No, he shut that thought out and pushed it to the back of his mind. It was best to just do it and worry about that when- if- if they get there. If that was a problem at all, it would be a problem for future Sirius. This was the only way he could pull it off.
————
It was later in the day and their classes had just finished. Sirius went back to the dorm to drop off his books, where he knew Remus already was.
He opened the door to the dorm to see Remus with his nose in a book, sitting on his bed.
Sirius dropped his things by his trunk and then made his way to the foot of Remus’s bed. He took a deep breath and steadied himself as Remus took notice of him and put his book down.
“Do you need something?” Remus asked.
You. I need you, Sirius thought. He just had to say it, I’m in love with you.
“You’re in love with me,” Sirius said.
Shit fuck fuck shit fuck fuck fuck fuck bloody fucking hell, what the fucking fuck was that?
How could he be that fucking stupid? Did his brain and his mouth just not connect? Was something lost in translation there between them?
Remus went bright red. “…How’d you know?”
What?
Did that actually work? Seriously? How?!
Sirius decided that instead of questioning it he would just count his blessings. He was one lucky, lucky guy.
He offered his hand to Remus and Remus took it. Sirius pulled him off the bed and pushed him up against the wall.
The next thing he knew, their lips were pressed together in a bruising kiss and Remus was carding a hand through Sirius’s long hair.
Sirius had one hand on Remus’s cheek and the other was on his waist. Remus’s hands moved from Sirius’s hair to rest clasped behind his neck as he deepened the kiss.
It was better than Sirius had ever imagined.
I love you.