Work Text:
What Is Owed
I.
Nott would have slept with Caleb following their escape from the prison.
It sounds so dramatic when put that way—escape from the prison. Like it was more than dodging inebriated guards and playing parlor tricks.
But the parlor tricks were nice, and Caleb, though a quiet and dour companion, was quite handsome under the grime of travel and the perpetual frown.
Handsome, and obviously very lost.
Nott was lost at the time, too.
(Nott is always lost. When Veth is Nott, it’s because she doesn’t know what to do; because she’s moving forward despite everything being a mess that she can’t control; because she can’t be Veth , but she also can’t afford to cease existing, and so she is Nott . Nott the Brave; Nott the Survivor; Nott the lonely; Nott the lost. )
Nott went so far as propositioning Caleb. She leaned a little bit harder against him than necessary when they settled for the night, and whispered, “What’s a sweet boy like you doing in a muddy place like this?”
“Surviving,” he said in that strange accent of his, and his eyes as he looked at her were bleak with understanding.
He would have given himself to her. Nott knew it in her bones. If she leaned up and kissed him—cut his lips on her sharp teeth, and drank down his blood like sweet wine—he would have allowed it. He might even have thought it just payment for her helping him escape.
She knew even then that Caleb Widogast was the type to see the world as a place that always demanded payment, and usually payment that would hurt him to give.
But Nott was a mother, before she was Nott; she was a hero, though she never could think of herself that way again, not after what was done to her (not after watching the cost of heroics; watching skin slough away from flesh; watching grief roll through her enemies, and the only way she could accept it was by reminding herself fervently that they were enemies, monster, and deserving of nothing but contempt).
So Nott didn’t lean up and kiss him. She didn’t ask him to try to sate the emptiness that she knew nothing could ever sate. She didn’t try to distract both of them with the rocking of bodies and the titillation of unexpected pairings.
Instead she wrapped a blanket around them both, and huddled against Caleb’s side, and when morning came, she chose a direction, and they both ran in it, away from the dawn and all the possibilities that it contained.
II.
Nott almost propositions Caleb after he decides they’re staying with the Nein.
After he decides that they’re chasing Jester.
She knows that Caleb likes Jester. Who doesn’t like Jester? Nott would probably sleep with her if the tiefling asked. What things could be done with that tail !
But Caleb likes Jester in a different way. Caleb sees Jester as something sweet, and maybe not innocent, but certainly closer to innocence. Jester is something that Nott can never be.
Nott knows that her jealousy is foolish. She knows that nobody gains anything by it.
It’s not like she’s laid any claim on Caleb. She told the Nein that she would protect him, yes; but that was more of a parental claim, not a sexual claim.
Who would want Nott, anyway? Who would look at a goblin—a goblin who has admitted to being a murderer and a monster—and decide that is what they want to have sex with?
Nott missed having sex, though. In another life, she never would have gone more than two days without at least a little romp. In this life, she had to content herself with her own hand and with daydreams.
Daydreams in which Caleb featured more often than she’d like to admit.
A little drink went a long way when one had a goblin’s body, and Nott never was one for subtlety. When the drink and the darkness promised some little bit of privacy, Nott made her way to Caleb’s bedroll.
He wasn’t asleep, of course. Nott was fairly certain the human never slept until the weight of his eyelids becomes too heavy to allow otherwise. Did being unconscious count as sleep? Because that might be the most that Caleb Widogast ever got.
“Do you think they’re all right? Jester and Fjord and Yasha.” Caleb sighed, turning towards Nott, grimacing at his own foolishness in asking for reassurance. Before Nott could even decide what she wanted to say, Caleb hastily added, “Do not worry; I know that you cannot answer that. I am merely being foolish.”
“No.” Nott stroked her fingers through Caleb’s hair. “You’re not being foolish, Caleb. You’re being kind.”
Caleb smiled, though his eyes were dark, the blue devoured by the blackness that night called forth. “Kindness can be foolishness.”
“It can be.” Nott remembered running through the trees for one terrible moment before she shoved aside all that happened before she became Nott . “But this time… this time I don’t think it is.” She hesitated, and then settled against Caleb; not as a lover would, but as a friend would. “I want them back, too. Jester and I make a good detective agency.”
“You very much do.” Caleb wrapped Nott in an embrace, holding her against his chest, but there was nothing to the touch other than the warmth of friendship; and that, too, was something precious in the dark, even if it wasn’t what Nott originally came in search of.
Nott decided once more that taking what was offered was better than breaking everything in an attempt to find something she shouldn’t even want in the first place.
III.
Nott almost bedded Caleb after their time in Felderwin.
There was just so much to try to handle. So much hope, and so much pain, and at the intersection of them a human wizard who accepted her secrets without judgment.
He’d always been a beautiful man, but he was extra beautiful to her then.
Or perhaps it was just that he wasn’t Yeza. He didn’t remind her of what she might have lost forever.
(Except that he did. His love, his kindness, the way his eyes shone when he looked at her; it all reminded her of Yeza, and she couldn’t afford that but she wanted it.)
If Yeza were dead, Nott probably wouldn’t have been able to restrain herself. She would have thrown herself on Caleb, and she would have seen how quickly she could break what they had, and she would have hated herself.
Maybe he would have hated her, too. But probably not, because Caleb saved the majority of his vitriol for himself.
But Yeza was only maybe-dead, and that changed everything. That meant that even though Caleb would have understood what she was doing, he would have seen it as a betrayal, and Caleb? Caleb hated betrayal.
(Bren didn’t. Bren understood betrayal in his bones, and it made him sad faster than it made him mad. But Caleb wasn’t Bren, just like Nott wasn’t Veth. (Except when they were. ((Except that Nott and Caleb were built on the shattered bones of Veth and Bren, and they never could escape that fact.))))
So Nott didn’t jump on top of Caleb and start trying to paw his clothes off.
Instead she slid under his blanket, and curled up with her back to his, and asked, “Are we all right?”
And she already knew the answer, because he hadn’t kicked her out, but still her heart warmed when he whispered, “ Ja .”
Nott would never be a good person, but she wasn’t a monster. Not in the eyes of one man, at least, and that was a precious gift she intended to keep carrying forward, even if there were times when she wanted to sacrifice it for faster, more immediate gratification.
IV.
Nott wanted to bed Caleb before he gave her back Veth.
She wanted to go to him while they’re still the strange multicolored group of foreigners living in the heart of Xorhas, and she wanted him to love her.
She wanted him to tell her that everything was all right just the way it was. That she didn’t have to try to go back to the life she’d had before. That she didn’t need to be a mother, a wife, as good a little halfling as she had ever managed to be (which would never be good or normal enough for some people).
Nott knew even as she thought these things that it wasn’t fair. That it would be asking too much of Caleb, and too much of herself. That it would risk opening wounds rather than suturing them closed, and that is why she didn’t do it.
That is why she kissed Caleb, but didn’t ask for more than that.
Though it would have been nice, she thought as her body shifted and cracked around her once more.
It would have been nice to know what it felt like to be loved as Nott, and to see if it was something that she could come to enjoy.
V.
Veth knew better than to want Caleb.
But Caleb knew better than to want the traitorous war criminal, and that didn’t seem to be stopping him, so perhaps they both were to blame for the situation.
It was just a little kiss. Just a peck of Veth’s lips against Caleb’s as they headed to bed for the night, but from the way Caleb jumped it might as well have been a slap.
“We can’t,” Caleb said, pressing his back against the door to his tower home.
“We could,” Veth retorted. “Believe me, I am well aware of how all the mechanics work. Have to be, to be a mother.”
Caleb’s face lost all color, and the joy in teasing him evaporated.
“I’m sorry.” Veth reached out to gently touch his hand, and was glad when Caleb allowed it. “Don’t worry about it. It was just a kiss. Nothing all that important.”
“I just—you have your husband to return to.” Caleb swallows. “And I…”
Veth nodded. “You have a poison-veined dark elf to bring ‘round to the side of the angels.”
Caleb shook his head vehemently. “This is not about Essek.”
“Ohhh, Essek, is it?” Veth managed to quirk her lips up into a suggestive smile.
Caleb hid his eyes behind a hand, his face regaining color as he blushed. “It isn’t about Essek. Though I will admit that he is quite attractive, and I have hopes of helping him stay on the path of redemption, this is about you and me.”
“And my husband, apparently.” Veth crossed her arms in front of her chest, scowling.
“Well, yes! You made vows, I am certain.”
“You have no idea what my marriage vows were,” Veth snapped back.
Caleb opened his mouth, paused, breathed, and then knelt down to be on the same level as Veth. “You are right. I do not know what your vows entailed. And perhaps Yeza would not mind if you and I were intimate. It would not be the first time I have been part of a…” Caleb’s fingers twitch, his mind clearly searching for a particular word. “A group of people who all have sex.”
Veth has no idea what the word for that is in common, either. “Does that mean you haven’t been trying to choose between Jester and Essek, but rather to snag them both?”
“Oh, Veth.” Caleb laughed, a soft, low, tired sound. “I do not think I am remotely worthy of Jester. Honestly, I’m not sure I’m worthy of Essek, either, though at least we have both done terrible things. At least we can try to draw the poison from each other, and call it fair.” Caleb’s fingers gently slid down Veth’s cheek. “And I would put you closer to Jester than to Essek, my dear friend.”
Veth snorted. “I’m hardly innocent. I’ve been thinking about jumping your bones since we first started traveling together, and I think I’ve killed enough people with little enough remorse to justify my entry into your little monster club.”
“It is not something I wish anyone to be a part of.” Caleb’s hand cupped Veth’s cheek, and he leaned in to kiss her forehead. “And I know that you do care, Veth. You always have, and you always shall.”
Veth blinked back the tears that were suddenly threatening. “Words like that can lead to a fight, you know.”
“Ja.” Caleb stood, offering her his hand. “But I think they will not. I think they will lead to a good night’s sleep. Two friends keeping each other company, if you will.”
Wiping her hand across her face, Veth nodded and allowed Caleb to draw her into his room.
They fall asleep together surrounded by cats, tucked into a bed that seems too small.
And if Veth wished for something more, well… she could at least appreciate what she had been gifted, and how very much it meant to the one who had gifted it.
+ I
Veth stares at Caleb, confused how he came to stand on her doorstep again.
Not that he isn’t always welcome. Of course he is. But they said their goodbyes, and he went with Beau to try to fix his country and his friends and his ridiculous elf, and Veth came home to Yeza and Luke, where she belongs.
Where she’s happy.
Where she doesn’t need anything else.
“Hello, Veth,” Caleb says, in that absolutely beautiful accent of his. “Do you mind if I come in?”
“Not at all!” Veth gestures him inside, immediately bringing him into the kitchen and pushing him towards one of the chairs designed for people his size. “I’m sorry Yeza and Luke aren’t in right now. They’re buying Luke some more supplies for his studies. Ah, that’s why you’re here, isn’t it?”
“That’s one of the reasons, yes.” Caleb smiles, and he looks good. He’s clean, and his eyes are clear and bright as he watches Veth.
“Oh?” Veth flashes him a grin. “I suppose you wanted to see me, too.”
“I did.” Caleb studies her, voice and mouth grave.
“Well. That’s very nice.” Veth fetches two glasses and fills them with tea.
“I talked with Yeza,” Caleb says, and Veth sloshes some of the tea out of the glass.
She doesn’t even know why . There’s no reason she should worry about Yeza and Caleb talking. It just still feels… odd, the two halves of her life colliding. “I hope it’s been nice.”
“It’s been very nice.” Caleb’s lips twitch up into one of his soft, pleased little smiles. “We’ve been talking a lot about you .”
“Me?” Veth squeaks.
Caleb nods. “Correct me if I am making any wrong assumptions, but I thought several times during our travels that you were… attracted to me.”
“ I told you as much directly.” Veth hesitates, then plunges on ahead. “ You were my best friend for two years, Caleb. Are my best friend still, I think.” Veth reaches out, placing her hand atop his. “That’s the most important thing, but yes, I do think you’re a very sexy man.”
“Not quite a minotaur, but still big enough to excite you, ja ?” Caleb wraps his hand around hers.
“Caleb Widogast, I am a married woman.” Veth’s face heats, but she doesn’t take her hand away.
“And I am in a committed relationship with a drow who very badly needs emotional connection. I do not intend to give him up.” Caleb pulls Veth’s hand to his lips, pressing a kiss to the back of it. “But Yeza would not mind sharing you, and Essek would not mind sharing me, and I believe that we have something between us that has been simmering for a very long time.”
“You’d want me?” Veth’s voice trembles, which she never would have expected.
“Veth, I owe you my soul.” Caleb’s voice drops to a husky whisper.
“I owe you my body,” Veth says with a sly smirk.
“Shall we pay our debts, then?” Caleb asks.
“ Ja ,” Veth growls, leaping from her seat and tugging Caleb toward the bedroom.
This has been a long time coming between them, and Veth thinks it will be all the sweeter for the time that they have invested in everything beyond the physical.
But also… hot damn, she cannot wait to have this handsome man’s penis buried deep inside her, and she hopes that the feeling is mutual.