Chapter Text
Kai started a random conversation, struck out of the blue. Maybe not so much out of nowhere, with Taehyun and Kai sat by unfiltered course papers, handful of books, and respective laptops screens blinding against the pitch black lounge. The surroundings were overwhelming. Mind numbing, to be exact. For Kai to stray away from any study related thoughts wasn’t odd.
He doesn’t want to graduate with regrets, so Kai then mentioned unsolicited. Rather than an insignificant grumble, it felt more like a declaration that Taehyun struggled to reach.
Taehyun only looked away from his screen for a few seconds at his friend, and when being empathetic to his words was still difficult, he didn’t offer any resolution. Or comfort. Whatever it was that Kai wanted, he didn’t hand it to him straight away.
It was hard to relate for Taehyun who was more than happy to complete his undergraduate course as soon as possible, dip, and stumble into the world of post-graduation – wherever that road would lead him. He never had it in him to aim high or go beyond his limits. He was content with the minimum.
He had been the same since before university where he never, not once, put his hand up to hold any positions in the classroom setting, he also graduated with mediocre grades that were enough to pass the major exams into university in one go and he didn’t join any extracurricular clubs even when his parents had ushered him to do so to build relationships with others. He felt that out-of-school academies were enough to meet others, regardless of not being able to talk to said others. But it was enough in his eyes and it seemed so because his parents gave up insisting.
Taehyun had assumed the same for Kai. That was why he willingly moved out of the school dormitories and lived with Kai outside of the campus with just them two and not the other two they shared the cramped dorm space with during their first semester.
The two were similar in several aspects, minus some likes and dislikes and some interests here and there, in general, they were identical. So similar to what Taehyun had been assuming this whole time.
Therefore, for Kai to suddenly bridge his monologue to expressing his want to start a band – a band – and perform a gig just once before graduating was something Taehyun had never thought he’d hear from him.
For one, they were reaching the middle of the hopeful last semester of their course, so getting a band together in such a tight spot would be hard. In general, getting a band together seemed difficult, to begin with when they barely knew other people who knew how to play musical instruments.
Kai was okay to dream. Kai was open to wish about possibilities he’d want to achieve, but realistically, in Taehyun’s eyes it felt nearing impossible. Most of all, Kai should focus on graduating, passing assignments, and upcoming exams rather than starting his wishful dream.
“You can do whatever you want, Kai.” Taehyun at least replied to him. Though, to Taehyun, he thought it was just one of those moments where Kai was simply saying half-hearted stuff, not truly meaning what he’s really saying.
“You’ll support me?”
Taehyun found the response odd. Light chuckling, he distractedly nodded. “Yes.” It was an easy conclusion. Hypothetically or not, he’ll support Kai whatever it was he aimed to do. If Kai wanted to hear him say that, Taehyun can assure him a hundred of times.
However, to Taehyun’s surprise, he learnt that the night was not just a moment of Kai spouting whatever nonsense he drifted off too in the midst of studying.
Fast forward to three weeks later, Kai is announcing so naturally that he has ‘band practice’ and had to miss out on their weekly movie sessions.
“What?”
Taehyun feels that he sounds so explicitly confused, especially with the additional dropping of the items he held in his hands as if the world had crashed in front of his very eyes.
Kai is on the other side of the small breakfast counter, all dressed up and ready to go like he hasn’t even considered staying. Taehyun squirms in his pyjamas opposite of him, feeling like a child.
The former eyes the unpopped packet of buttered popcorn limply lying out in the open that it’s out of Taehyun’s grip. In the background, another packet was in the midst of being made. The microwave whirrs and groans. The popping kernels belts and drums inside its paper bag.
“You don’t have to make the buttered popcorn since I have band practice.” Kai says that phrase again as if the more he says it, the more it makes sense; ’band practice.’ It still doesn’t make sense. Nothing he is saying is making any sense to Taehyun.
Taehyun breaks all contact to shake his head away. It’s not in disagreement with Kai’s words, rather to force himself from spiralling over it like a madman. It - the movie night that Kai usually looks forward to the most every week, the movie night that started all because of him, as well. The fact that the movie of the week is also Kai’s favourite film and he is refusing to watch it, makes Taehyun lost.
Taehyun wants to hide away even more when he realises that the packet of Kai’s favourite jelly he bought specifically for tonight on his way home is out in the open for both of their eyes to feast on.
Taehyun is so embarrassed.
He is embarrassed that he had prepared for everything hopelessly. He’s also embarrassed by how disappointed he feels. Taehyun is embarrassed that his emotions are all one-sided with Kai now moving on and excitedly talking about the song his band is playing tonight.
Kai shuffles on his feet and swings a slipping guitar bag properly on his back mid chatter. It catches Taehyun’s attention.
Taehyun didn’t know Kai could even play a guitar, let alone own one. He knows that Kai grew up playing the piano but, a guitar? That is news. And news he didn’t expect to find out learning this way.
Taehyun thought he knew everything about Kai by now. He’s been proved wrong.
Because when did this band even form? Kai never mentioned it before. Maybe he did. Maybe Taehyun had been a bad friend during the last couple of weeks. Though he’s been so busy getting his papers done and struggling with a group assignment he ended up having to finish through stressful days and sleepless nights because his group was more or less, useless.
He had been spending more hours in the library than at home, but he’d been at the apartment to eat dinner with Kai without skipping a single night.
If Kai had formed a band, he would’ve told Taehyun about it, right? So perhaps Taehyun really did miss it. Or maybe Kai never told him in the first place. Maybe Kai didn’t feel the need to tell him.
Why wouldn’t Kai tell him?
Taehyun is also now second guessing why he hadn’t expected this to happen. Why did he not see this coming? Why didn’t he trust Kai’s words as he announces with his chin lifted high of his pre-graduation goal? Why didn’t Taehyun trust that Kai could join a band? Of course he’d be able to. His own or not, Kai could be in one. It’s Kai after all. He could achieve anything he wanted.
Taehyun knows that.
Kai feels Taehyun’s eyes on the guitar on his back. He grins as he softly jumps on his heels, rocking it like it’s a baby. “Beomgyu let me borrow it. He has loads and he said that maybe I should borrow one of his bass and see how comfortable I’d be with playing it. It’s been years after all.”
Beomgyu? Taehyun doesn’t know a Beomgyu.
“He’s been really nice. We’ve been doing one and one sessions, just as two. He helps me remember some chords and just teaches me overall.”
Does Kai hang out with Beomgyu while Taehyun has been studying? Was that why Kai hasn’t been texting him much these last few days? Usually, Taehyun always needed to keep his phone on silent mode because Kai would be always texting him. So when he’s in a quiet area, he’d need his phone to be silent.
Perhaps he’s the bad friend because Taehyun only realised now that his phone hasn’t been silent for a while and it hasn’t caused any issues.
Taehyun sucks in a much needed breath, suddenly feeling lightheaded.
“Well, that’s great–”
“It’s cool, right?” Kai suddenly cuts Taehyun in. Fortunately so. Because Taehyun would just be muttering out lies he didn’t mean. He hadn’t spoken in a while and it felt like the timing to say something. Anything.
Kai takes the mic, and Taehyun lets him.
“It’s fine that we skip out tonight, right?”
Kai is looking directly at Taehyun who is suddenly back to cowering away. “I mean, you could use some rest, after all. Having the apartment to yourself for the night would be good for you.” He’s saying things like he knows better. That’s why Taehyun is wincing at it.
If Kai really knows what is good for Taehyun, then he’d stay with him. He needs rest, yes. He needs to wind down, yes. More than anything, he wanted Kai’s presence.
Kai looks past Taehyun’s shoulders.
“Oh, the popcorn.”
The microwave signals its end. The smell of fresh popcorn is mild in the air. Crumbly salted. The air thickens enough that if they smack their lips, remnants of its basic taste linger on the tip of their tongues.
Right now, the smell singes it’s way to Taehyun’s senses. His appetite is already lost.
Kai throws another strap over his shoulder. He looks awkward with the musical instrument on his back, clear he’s only getting used to it. It doesn’t seem to bother him, however, at the way it dangles alienated behind him. Opposing, he looks beyond happy as he fiddles with it. As though it’s given Kai some kind of super power. Or something close to it.
“I can take the popcorn–”
“I’ll eat it." Taehyun interrupts this time. It’s snappy and sharp. “It’s my share anyway.”
Kai looks a little taken aback. His expression is immediately forgotten when Taehyun turns around to head towards the microwave, like to prove his words are real. Inside, he doesn’t feel like having popcorn anymore. He doesn’t feel like any of this anymore. He even wants the conversation to end. Just… not with Kai leaving.
Taehyun’s voice drops a fraction as he forces himself to sound more believable. “I’ll eat it because I’m still going to watch the movie.”
Kai also doesn’t eat popcorns only lightly salted. To him it only tastes burnt and bitter. His bag of extra buttery popcorn is on the counter. It will remain there until… next week? Will this band practice happen again next week?
“You will?” Kai doesn’t sound like he believe Taehyun.
“Yeah.”
Taehyun doesn’t know where all this faux confidence comes from because he doesn’t mean anything. It sounds so true, though. It sounds true, and even a part of him is convinced that perhaps it is the truth. However, slipping into a mirage of an empty apartment, and watching a movie all alone on the couch that would be too big for him to solo, doesn’t feel ideal.
“I can’t miss this, Taehyun.”
Suddenly there is a new emotion in Kai’s voice. Like he’s sick of repeating himself even if this is the first time he’s said those words. Like he is pleading.
“This would be our very first band practice together. It’s the first time we’re all finally free and–”
All. There are other people aside from this Beomgyu. Taehyun wonders who else is in Kai’s band. Taehyun wonders if, like Beomgyu, they are a stranger to him.
“I never said you shouldn’t go.”
He means it. It’s up to Kai to do what he wish. He doesn’t want to be the one actually begging just for him to stay. As much as he internally wants the opposite, Kai looks too excited to stay. Taehyun doesn’t want to strip that away from him or be between that. He’s not in any position to and Taehyun knows it’d only lead to him feeling guilty.
The popcorn remains in the microwave. The microwave hasn’t been touched to begin with. It sings a micro jingle to remind the two of them once more that the food is done. Taehyun remains idly standing right in front of it.
He then spins to face where Kai is once again.
Kai’s hands are now on the counter that is between them. Taehyun’s own are beside him, unrelaxed.
Taehyun's eyes downwards, not wanting to hold a long enough contact in case his eyes are saying other things his mouth is. Like for Kai to stay. Taehyun really, really does wish Kai would stay, secretly.
“You go to the band practice or whatever, and I’ll watch my movie.”
Kai takes a moment before he glances at the rented dvd near him. It’s shamefully out in the open. Taehyun had purposefully placed it where it was easy to see before this whole conversation started, believing, assuming, that Kai would have been over the moon when he would have spotted it.
Right now, Kai is frowning at it.
“You don’t even like Gromit and Wallace.”
“I do.” Taehyun is defensive because he does. He’s telling the truth this time. This is only time and, surprisingly, he wants to argue everything in him to correct Kai. “I ended up liking it because you like it.”
There’s a heavy pause after what he says Taehyun can hear himself breathe. He swallows thickly, and it still doesn’t feel enough to take out the heftiness in his throat.
“You made me watch the movies so many times, it would be weird not to enjoy it somehow.” Out of everything he’s said during this moment, this is the most raw that’s left Taehyun’s mouth. He acknowledges it himself that is why his voice is petite. If it reached Kai at all, Kai would know that this time, Taehyun sounds and looks unsure himself.
They hang on trading glances, wordless for a moment.
A moment that feels like an eternity. Time unmoving.
“I don’t know when I’ll get back.” Kai then says. He has given up quickly. Taehyun doesn’t like that he has.
Kai’s eyes linger a different way as his hands slide away from the cold counter. “So…” don’t wait up.
They’ve never said those words because it’s never necessary. They nearly always see each other every night unless one of them goes to their family home for a short trip during the holidays. The other days in the year, they’d whisper good night to each other and split towards their bedrooms.
Kai doesn’t continue like he doesn’t have it in him to say it.
Taehyun doesn’t want him to say it wishing that he doesn’t mean it.
Band practice happens more frequently during the following week. More frequent than what Taehyun could have ever guessed. Four days out of seven. In all of those four occurrences, Taehyun had to hear Kai enter the apartment late at night from his bedroom before he would finally let himself go to sleep.
“Good night”, he’d whisper in the darkness.
A part of him trips into slumber when he can practically hear Kai say the same words to him. Ultimately, Kai’s silhouette is a recurrent visitor on the other side of the timbre door of Taehyun’s bedroom.
Two seconds, he will stay on the opposing side before he continues his walk along their skinny hallway before the shut of his own door follows behind Kai.
The movie night isn’t skipped by Kai this time. The whole day Taehyun had been nervous wondering if it was okay to look forward to spending the evening with Kai or if he had to face the same shared conversation of Kai telling him he’d be home late and Taehyun replying like it didn’t bother him.
It is Kai who initiates the Friday evening to flow as how it usually does with Taehyun remaining doubtful.
“So, we’re out of your popcorn. There are still three bags of buttered though.” Kai says from the kitchen.
He’s been rummaging loudly for a while. A few bits and pieces were thrown in the bin with dull thuds, packeted food crinkling as Kai seemingly moved it about and cans and glasses winking against each other.
Habitually, Kai reorders their home. He keeps their shared space tidy, refixes the disorderedly, and throws away the unnecessaries. The usual end of the week routine for Kai. Tidious jobs entertain him. A intuitive trait of Kai that Taehyun contradicts.
Kai pokes his head out from the cupboards when he doesn’t get a response from Taehyun. His blinks are innocent and waiting.
Taehyun has been quietly watching him from the couch. He’s just been counting down the now normal time when Kai announces his leave with that same deep red guitar bag on his back that seems to be the same colour as the emotion in Taehyun’s chest whenever he sees it.
Taehyun allows himself to feel settled that Kai would be here, with him, for the rest of the day. He permits himself to anticipate that he won’t have to tuck himself into bed and stare at his wall until the distant sound of their door keypad breaches through the crack of his door.
“Buttered is fine.” Taehyun eventually tells him. He’d be fine with eating wasabi flavoured popcorn at this point. Anything as long as it means he won’t be alone. With the way their conversation flows, it seems like he won’t be.
Kai sucks air through his teeth, contemplating all by himself aloud. “Hmm…maybe I’ll make one bag. I feel like you’ll just waste yours and wasting a good bag of popcorn is never okay.” He’s always so serious when it comes to food that it’s hard to take him seriously sometimes, Taehyun thinks. He still listens without judgment, however, being amused and endeared all the same.
“There’s some bag of chips here as well so we can just share, right?” Kai holds up a random packet that Taehyun doesn’t remember buying.
He can’t make out the flavour from where he’s sitting but he nods anyway. “Sure.”
Kai is content, “hmkay.” He is almost humming. There are some scuffles as he easily crosses along their kitchen to start preparing their snacks. As he heads to the fridge, Kai continues to provide hints that begin to disallow Taehyun’s previous nerves from overgrowing.
“Well, now we just need to pick a movie.” Two large glass bowls appear from their cupboard as Kai methodically prepare. “I was thinking the other night…”
Taehyun wants to think Kai wants to be here with him. Taehyun wants to believe that Kai chose to stay because he wants to be with him and hang out and not because he has no choice. Hopefully, Kai told his band members he’d be home for the night and that he wouldn’t be present for their practice and not because his band members were busy instead. He wants to believe that he’s chosen over Kai’s band members.
Taehyun wants to believe that Kai chose him.
And it’s just a stupid thought process that Taehyun feels himself flush and bury his face in his hands and scream at the nonsense he’s building in his mind. The problem is, he can’t. Not when Kai is sitting so near him, eyes fully on the screen immersed in the movie.
They ended up choosing Coraline. Kai remembered that Taehyun hadn’t seen it before and he told him it’s bothering him that they have spent so much time together and they still never watched it together. So now here they are, watching it together. Physically, at least.
In reality, Taehyun is lost in his world trying to cast away random monologues he’d be caught dead in ever announcing out loud.
Kai is talking to him about something blue. Taehyun catches only the mention of the colour just not the rest. So when the former peers up at him in between picking at the bowl of popcorn on his lap, Taehyun’s jaw merely hangs open, caught off-guard.
“Whatd’ya think?” Kai presses on as he pops a handful of overly yellow popcorn into his mouth.
Normally his popcorn is more bright yellow, drizzled by more melted butter into the mix. Since they agreed on sharing the bowl and with Taehyun not being the biggest fan of butter, disliking how it coats his tongue and makes his saliva thick, Kai held back and seemed to be nitpicking to leave the more naked popcorn for Taehyun to have.
Taehyun can never hide the fact when he’s stirred off-tracks. Kai knows that which is why he is grinning as much as he can in between howling munches.
“Sorry,” Taehyun ends up coming clean knowing he can play pretend all he wants, howbeit, his expressions are always a dead giveaway. Or so Kai tells him.
“I wasn’t paying attention much.”
Kai nodded like he had known what Taehyun was going to say. “To the movie or to what I was saying?”
Taehyun wants to respond that he hadn’t been paying attention to either except that would probably hurt Kai even more.
“Let’s just say that you’re too engrossed in the movie to hear what I said.” Kai lies for him even if he doesn’t need to. There’s a little bit of disappointment in his voice. It’s slight. Regardless of being faint, it leeches onto Taehyun the second he notices and sucks the life out of him. It’s the guilt. After all, Kai picked the film for Taehyun who can’t even name a single character except for the main and it’s been past half an hour since it started.
Taehyun wants to apologise once again, Kai moves on, the residuals of his drooped voice long gone. “I was saying I want to dye my hair. Blue. Not like hers,” he mentions to the animated girl on the screen. Her hair is almost navy. “But lighter. Like the sky. Sky blue then.”
This shocks Taehyun in a way like it did exactly seven days ago. He can never see Kai in anything but his natural hair colour. The darkest shade of brown, often nearing golden in the summer due to sun-bleached rays, sometimes bronze when his highlights shine beneath overhead lightings.
He wouldn’t have ever thought Kai would ever touch his hair colour. Kai never really seemed to care about his hair at all except for the occasional trims when he’d complain about its lengths. Like during hot days when he’d need that extra breathing room on his nape. Or when it bothers him how long it’s beginning to take for his hair to dry.
Other than those times, Kai normally lets his hair at a similar length for long periods. He even leaves the curls how they are when some days he’d wake up with ends looping above his head more than usual without any intention of flattening it. He simply embraces how his hair grows out of his head.
“This guy in my band has bleached hair. He said it took ages to strip away his natural hair colour and his scalp began to sting real bad. He almost gave up half-way but you can’t give up half-way, he told me. Being blond suits him really well. Well, I mean, I’ve only really seen him as blond as he is now so I can’t say what it’s like when he isn’t.” Kai casually brings up his band members again.
Taehyun reacts to it like it’s something to fear. He doesn’t know what it is. It could be the fact that Kai talks about them with so many pleasantries in his tone that Taehyun wonders if he can bring the same spark in Kai.
“Oh…” Taehyun goes back to mumbling the same way he does when the conversation flips in this direction. “Beomgyu?”
“No, no. Soobin.”
Someone else that Taehyun doesn’t know. How many of them are there? How did they even meet?
Taehyun is always curious about them. In spite of, he doesn’t have it in him to ask Kai. He’d always chicken out halfway and keep the question lodged between his tongue and the roof of his mouth.
Why does he hesitate, Taehyun always wonders. Why does he feel sick every time he even thinks about the band?
Is it because they see a different side of Kai that’s so new to Taehyun? Is it because he goes into spirals of once again, second-guessing how much of Kai he knows?
Kai with bleached, blue hair? Taehyun can’t picture it. Not because he thinks Kai would look bad in it. Mainly, it’s because then how he sees Kai, how he’s been seeing Kai, will then be all a past memory.
When they graduate… will they still live together? The only reason that they live together is convenience. The campus and train stations are a walking distance, along with cheap lines of food and a supermarket that fuels them. They live together too because they both couldn’t stand being with their old dorm mates and the dormitory building itself.
They live together because… well, of university, Taehyun guesses. With that ending soon, what will happen? They never talked about it before. They should. Soon. They really should before it eats Taehyun alive, wondering, fearing that he’d be just a past memory to Kai.
Kai breaks his line of thoughts again with the sudden increasing volume of his chatter that had been going on in the background while Taehyun is losing himself a little. He talks over the movie. It’s Kai’s bad habit that others find irritating.
Their mutual friends have voiced out against it a handful of times when they watched a movie with others. It’s even worse in cinemas, unsurprisingly. It’s also the main reason why the weekly movie sessions began. Kai loves films. Kai also loves talking.
Taehyun had grown to be accustomed to Kai’s quirk. Watching a movie with him, and hearing Kai’s thoughts whether or not film-related, has been accustomed to how Taehyun lives now.
“I think blue would suit you,” Taehyun tells Kai the honest truth. He does think so even if the idea of it is all new and strange to him. If it excites Kai so much, what Taehyun thinks about it doesn’t matter in the first place.
Of course, Kai’s eyes grow bright when he hears the words like Taehyun’s opinions matter so much. “You think so?”
“Of course. Hey Kai…” There’s a surge within him that Taehyun can’t name then his mouth begins to move on their own. “Do you think I can ever come and watch you guys practice?”
He thinks he said the wrong thing.
Taehyun watches as Kai droops, neck bowing and his eyeline fades away so far it’s hard to connect back with it. Maybe Kai wanted him to be separated from his other life – his new hobby, new interest, and new friends. A possible new life too.
Does it mean he doesn’t see Taehyun in it? Perhaps beyond being housemates, there is nothing else for them to live on.
Taehyun wants to get up and move. He wants to leave. Having said that, his heart is pounding too fast he’s afraid that if he stands up, he’ll just shamefully crash back down. So he has no choice but to mellow and mope into the slump of his corner of the couch.
“It’s not that I don’t want you there…” Kai’s voice comes as a piercing sound despite melodic. Like a drifting air that pulls Taehyun in, contrarily, the ambiguity of his words aches. “I do, I really do - don’t get me wrong. It’s just, well, me.”
Then Kai sighs like he’s annoyed at himself and he finds Taehyun's eyes again when he eventually grows confidence to lift his chin towards his direction. “Just give me, like, a few more weeks,” Kai says. Promises, more rather. “I’m not satisfied with how I play yet and I don’t want you to…see that. If you’re there, especially when I’m still all uncertain about my skills, I’ll just get too nervous and mess up even more.”
“Is that really why?” Taehyun is skeptical. Withal, he way Kai huffs a short breath through his nose and blinks like he’s betrayed by the words erases the doubts.
“Yeah, ‘course that’s all. Why else would I not want you to watch me?” Kai even chuckles in between.
Taehyun eases into the back of the couch, the shape of him moulding into the soft cushion. “So, you’d want me there if, as you imply, you are more comfortable in playing?”
Kai laughs fully now. They both return to facing the front and Kai’s hands go back into the bowl on his lap, sifting through it. He confirms, “Yes, Taehyun.”
“Why would you get nervous if I would be there?”
“Because I always want to look good in your eyes.” It’s such an easy reply from Kai like he was only answering what his favourite colour is.
Then after a few seconds, there are sounds of him munching again before the bowl gets thrust into Taehyun’s field of vision. Pale white popcorn greets beneath his chin, Kai offering and not retreating until Taehyun grabs his handful.
“Ooh, watch this bit.” Kai urges as his free hand reaches for the remote and turns up the volume of the television.
Taehyun rests his elbow on the arm of the sofa. Supporting his head on his open palm, he begins to pay attention to the animated film.
“It’s really great to finally meet you,” the guy before Taehyun wears his hat backward. Random tuffs of black hair peek out of its unkept state. Despite it, the messy state doesn’t seem to bother the former who still has his hand stuck out between the two of them.
Taehyun raises his own hand and meets the awaiting one. He lets the other shake their hands and let him tear away first.
“We’ve heard a lot about you.” He continues to talk to Taehyun who’s still a little overwhelmed.
Who wouldn’t be when all of a sudden, Kai calls him and tells him to come to a random building that Taehyun had never heard of in his life. Before getting the address, it never came to Taehyun’s attention that there was an area of the campus he had yet known.
Behind rows of dying trees and a ghosted park on the northern section of their university campus was a row of red-bricked buildings that looked as abandoned as the surroundings. It even took forever for Taehyun to eventually find the room that Kai texted him, having to weave through dusty corridors and climb up tight staircases. The numbers pasted on doors weren’t in chronological order either, skipping numbers, and jumping backwards sometimes as well. There are even hidden stairwells in between rooms that lead to other sections.
That’s where he finally spotted it. In brass bronze read room 553.
What greets him is three distinct faces he’s never seen, who in comparison doesn’t seem to be surprised to see Taehyun stumbling inside.
Kai was nowhere to be seen and just as Taehyun had almost run out, apologising profusely, sure he entered the wrong room, the guy in the hat stopped him with a greeting so friendly it was hard to reject.
“Taehyun, right?” Backward cap tries to maintain a conversation.
Taehyun feels himself freeze, core tightening at the mention of his name. So he is in the right room because they expected him. They know him or know of him.
Taehyun opens his mouth, almost breathing out loud, “Kai…”
“Oh, he–”
“There you are!” Kai’s familiar voice booms against the stillness of the cold corridor.
Taehyun has yet to leave the space by the door frame, the door still swinging widely open. He hears Kai clearly. He sees him too, clearer as Kai eventually makes his way towards them. As the room’s light casts on his face, Taehyun feels himself settle as he takes him in.
“I completely forgot to tell you about the elevator by the front. It would’ve taken you to this room much easier. Did you take the staircase?” Kai’s hands are on Taehyun’s shoulder. His fingertips are slightly cold. It catches the skin beneath the collar of his shirt.
“Sorry.” Kai smooths his thumb over him, “I went down hoping to get you. I was too late.”
Taehyun finds himself smiling. He wants to reach up and flatten the top of Kai’s hair. He’d been running to look for him. The bleach strands stand astray, falling out of the half-hearted knot Kai kept them in.
“I managed to find the place, so it’s okay.”
“I’m glad.” Kai leaves his side and enters first. Taehyun copies; he follows Kai’s back, afraid to be apart from it. “This is them – my band members. I see you met Yeonjun.”
Yeonjun. The backward cap guy is closing the door behind them. He turns his head at the mention of his name and offers the same kind smile he gave Taehyun when they first made eye contact.
Taehyun scans the narrow room. There’s a round black table that the curved couch and three brown stools surround. There are some rows of shelvings on the walls and a whiteboard by the front door. There are also two other guys watching Taehyun quietly, already sitting down with some loose papers between the two of them.
There’s a blondie. Soobin. Taehyun remembers Kai’s description of him. He’s also the one who bleached and dyed Kai’s hair a week ago. Soobin’s got deep dimples from his smile and shy eyes that turn away when Taehyun returns with his own polite greeting.
That leaves the other long-haired male, his own in a clean ponytail behind him, to be Beomgyu. He lifts up a hand to wave at Taehyun and Taehyun whispers out a ‘hi.’
“I wanted you to be the first to know that we’re performing on the last week of classes,” Kai hands him a paper from the pile Taehyun spotted earlier. Taehyun has taken the last space on the couch which Yeonjun doesn’t seem to mind, pulling one of the stools to join the small huddle.
“You are?” Taehyun asks even if the paper in his hands is the accepted request for the band’s gig request.
They’ll be one of the performers for the Thursday night down at the main tavern. It’s a one-song performance. Taehyun remembers the name of the song that’s listed below; it’s a cover and not an original song. They’re still new after all and Kai had mentioned before that they’re only focusing on gaining an identity for their band meaning that making their own song may take longer to develop.
“I’m so happy for you!” Taehyun tells Kai who had been watching his expressions for a while, as though waiting for the congratulatory he knew would come. When it did he bent down to rest himself in Taehyun’s opening arms. They merge complete.
Laughing, Kai escapes the embrace before he looks down at the paper with Taehyun. Their heads bump against each other. “It’s actually really easy to get this.” He holds one side of the sheet. “I feel like they’ll allow anyone to perform if anyone really signs up for it. So…it’s not really a big deal…”
“It’s a massive deal, Kai,” Taehyun argues, sitting up. Kai softens as he also pulls away for a bit. His eyes are delicately resting on Taehyun’s eager face who is explaining in an overly earnest voice, compassionate. As though he’s hurt by Kai’s humbleness, Taehyun expresses his emotions.
“You’re performing, Kai. You have a gig! You have a gig with the band that you wanted – your friends! Small gig or not, a university stage or not, it’s still your memory to make and it’s what you wanted and you achieved that. You should be so happy – be more proud of yourself!”
Kai doesn’t say anything for a few seconds, only continuing to look at Taehyun the same way he’s been doing.
Taehyun on the other hand suddenly remembers they are not alone and is too shy to look at what the other three members of the band are thinking. They haven’t said a word since Taehyun entered. They’ve only been listening to Taehyun and the overwhelmed emotion overrides Taehyun once again.
Maybe they think Taehyun is overreacting. What happens if they’re making fun of him in their head? What happens if they think he’s some weirdo or that he’s butting his nose in some business he doesn’t need to or is not allowed to? What happens if they don’t want to talk to Taehyun after this?
Taehyun is afraid to know what their first impression of him is. He had told himself to make sure to leave a good impression if Kai is to ever introduce him to them. It’s clear rambling out loud till he’s flushed from neck to face is not what he had planned.
“He’s exactly like what you said.”
Taehyun snaps his head to where the voice comes from. Beomgyu just spoke. Beomgyu spoke with such a gentle demeanour it’s hard to assume his words mean anything negative. He keeps glancing back and forth at Kai and Taehyun then he proceeds to hold his glimpse longer at Taehyun to send him a genuine smile. Like he looks happy.
Kai flutters out of the cocoon of his endless stare at Taehyun to snigger all high-pitched and cheery. “I told you, didn’t I? This is what Taehyun is to me.”
Soobin stands up, shaking his head he mumbles, “Lucky you, you bastard.”
Taehyun is left cluelessly watching as everyone is suddenly leaving their spot. Yeonjun too, who hasn’t said a word, stretches and groans.
“What did he mean by that?” Taehyun questions Kai. It’s not clear whether or not he’s referring to Beomgyu or even Soobin as he caught the mutterings of the blond under his breath.
Kai hums as he also shifts in his position, appearing to move away. Realising this, Taehyun holds him down by wrapping a hand around his wrist clumsily, pinky catching in between Kai’s index and thumb. “Actually, what do you mean by what you said?”
What is Taehyun to Kai?
Why do they all know and not Taehyun himself?
Kai places his other hand on top of Taehyun. His hands are warmer than before. It feels nice and reassuring.
“That you’re too good for me,” Kai tells Taehyun. “That you, Kang Taehyun, is too good to be true.”
Taehyun is still left clueless, confused about whether or not it means something positive. But as Kai explains, he’s grinning. He’s grinning hard and his cheeks are blushed ever so slightly with a rosy pink that everything Kai is showing him implies something positive. Because he looks like the first ray of the sun peeking out of the horizon to wake a new day; full of hope and dreams.
So Taehyun thinks that it’s good that he’s too good for Kai because at least Kai knows he’s deserving of that. Taehyun agrees that Kai deserves him.
Taehyun likes that he does.
“You’ll stay, right?” Kai asks him, slipping his hands out of Taehyun who lets him stand up in the end. “You’ll watch us practice for the gig, right?”
“You’ll let me?”
Kai appears to be blushing a little darker, sheepishly nodding. “Yeah,” he says in a small voice. Behind him the three other guys are lost in their own conversation, laughing and moving about in languid routines.
The before narrow room transforms into a much larger interior. One side of the walls is now split open. Taehyun failed to notice earlier that it is a wall of sliding doors.
It opens to where their instruments are, the endless speakers, the microphone stands and long, snaking cords filling up the floors. Though, no one trips and falls as though every obstacle is remembered and they each easily take their position behind their instruments. The other three busy themselves to their own conversations while mindlessly running their hands over their instruments, playing soft music as though it's second nature to them.
“I’m more confident in my skills now. I can play in front of you. I might make some mistakes, don’t get me wrong I’m not flawless as them but – I can play in front of you.” Kai stops to take in a breath, “I want you to be the first to watch me play.”
Taehyun nods and shifts his position on the couch so he’s fully sitting in front of their assembly, wanting the best spot, having the bestest spot anyone can ever give him. The one and only audience. For now at least. The first audience too.
Kai is giving him that. He thinks he’s as lucky as what the band members thinks of Kai because of him.
“I’d like that,” Taehyun tells Kai.
Kai begins to step in retreats, somehow shifting into a different version of himself that is new to Taehyun but it’s all him, all the same. Because Kai grins his lovely smile that never fails to make Taehyun feel at ease.
Kai runs a hand through his newly dyed blue hair, it's darker than what he had planned still, it’ll slowly wash away to what he’d want it to. He explained it all to Taehyun the first time he returned back home with it. They both inspected it in front of their bathroom mirror for over an hour. Two pairs of hands threading through the foreign strands. But the shape of it, especially the action of his fingers running through, is still tailored to how Taehyun recognises.
Kai jogs towards the bass guitar. Taehyun is beginning to get friendly with the instrument. One time the metallic strings was plucked beneath his own fingernails. He had even held its neck in his grasp, the position of the tip of his fingers were under Kai’s guidance who sits chest to back of Taehyun, teaching him a chord.
Kai joins his band members Taehyun is eager to get to know with a little more. Their aura uniting with Kai as the latter easily joins their conversation that Taehyun feels so far away from, unable to understand their jargon and jokes. Taehyun is fine not knowing. He listens, letting his mind wrap around the newly heard words and sentences he knows he’ll eventually understand their meaning as the time goes by.
Taehyun gets to learn more about Kai this way.
Taehyun is looking forward to meeting all of the entirety of Kai if he lets him. All the different versions of Kai he may bump into in the future, all sides of Kai he may meet as the time passes by, Taehyun wants to meet it all.
“Watch me!” Kai selfishly announces, his tone too familiar that it’s like a song stuck in Taehyun’s head. A song on repeat he’d never want to ever stop hearing.
Taehyun does just that.
He watches Kai closely.