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It is quite well known that first love only lasts for a certain period of time, but Hua Cheng questions that after his thoughts are still very much invaded by his elementary classmate who is also still his crush, Xie Lian.
Eight years have passed, they're both in highschool and Hua Cheng was lucky enough to have Xie Lian in the same school as him. Interestingly though, given the time that the two kids breathed the same air, shared the same space, the poor boy still lacks the guts to talk with his childhood crush.
And you might be thinking, “What a sore loser, can't even man up and be gay.” But, hey! You, as a reader, have to understand, that mustering up the courage to actually fucking say the words 'I like you' is as difficult as making a boulder move without touching it.
Especially for Hua Cheng. Most specifically because it is Hua Cheng.
Boy ain't superman, he's weak. And what it means by weak is that he is so weak that whenever he is met by Xie Lian’s eyes, the words choke up and he loses all coherent thought. The poor boy is starstrucked, his jaw rolling on the floor everytime Xie Lian walks past the halls. The thought of even his name could leave him standing like a statue for a second. He is so in love.
Xie Lian is just too pretty and too perfect. Gorgeous even, ethereal, a beauty that could be compared to the heavens the gods would be so jealous of him. He's got the perfect grades, flawless smile and anywhere he is the darling of the crowd. There is no reason for Hua Cheng to not be addicted. He is so obsessed, very obsessed, extremely and unhealthily obsessed.
But Hua Cheng also can not ignore the other eyes looking at Xie Lian. There's a whole ton of rivals, which he mentally calls peasants, out in the school grounds, like predators waiting for an opening, all of them on high alert, hungry and probably horny.
He might be categorized as a peasant as well but he recognises himself to be a tier higher than all of the others.
Hua Cheng is aware of his standing, he knows where he is in the circle of Xie Lian’s world. If Xie Lian is the center, he is a speck of dust in the outer corners. He is an entity just barely hanging on that ledge. And on the list of the people that could possibly date his dear Xie Lian, he is well aware that he could not even make the top fifty. The only interaction the poor boy had with him is probably singing the school anthem together... which is very poor. It is so bad.
It was a lie to say that Hua Cheng had not considered doing the scary thing, confessing. While helplessly juggling this thought in his mind, he was able to produce two simple conditions that could happen if he keeps his heart to himself or he finally throws it out the air.
Number one condition, if he stays put and let his fears get the best of him by not letting even a single word of love out his lips, meaning he misses his shot, he gets inevitably fucked (theoretically). Or number two condition, if he makes a move and let his feelings get the best of him, confesses his love by shooting his shot, he gets inevitably fucked (literally, maybe).
So after enough thinking, deliberating, and kicking his ass multiple times, he had finally made his resolve. The wait should be enough, if this results in failure or success, he would not know unless he tried. Hua Cheng decided to confess his feelings for Xie Lian.
He had made up his mind! Fucking finally, I must say. Even as a reader, you can’t help but cheer for this little dude finally acting for his crush.
As much as Hua Cheng feels hopeless, he does wish to be see the latter because who does not want to have the chance to absolutely rail Xie Lian with his dic-
And so, the operation starts. After class, right before the sun sets, Hua Cheng is going to confess. He would definitely say the words he'd been meaning to say, and no, he thinks he is not nervous about it.
His eyes are almost white, his whole body trembling like a washer spinning for god knows how long. Obviously, he's not the least bit nervous about it.
He claims he is confident (not) in his own skin, losing focus the whole day, bumping on walls and trees like a bird head and now that the last period is about to end, his breathing starts to shake.
Hua Cheng is starting to feel alive, like he has got the whole world inside his hands!
All senses in his body are enhanced to the point where he has managed to catch the leaf falling gracefully from a tree. He was washed with surprise and then he was dreadful, because why did he put himself in this in the first place?
Dealing with his own stupid question was one thing. He stupidly answers too, knowing fully well how crazy he has been feeling.
One stupid question can bear fruit to an equally stupid answer. So why did he put himself here in the first place? He reminds himself that it is to get him and Xie Lian to fuc-
The halls were empty and his robotic limbs were coordinating, slowly making his way there. reaching the door to his dreams. His heart starts to spasm like a fish out of water. Then there it is, the confidence he's been holding onto all day, dissolved into nothing.
Hua Cheng looks at the reflection of himself on the windows, quite dirty. But he is a bit too out of it to even realize how dirty it really is, he can't see himself damn it. But still, he acts as if there's no mishaps, focused on fixing his hair away while staring at blobs of dust.
Then after doing what he thinks is the best for his appearance—nah he looks like a dork sweeping all that hair to one side—he breathes a little. Yes, his face is now blue because apparently his lungs forget to do what one thing they're only useful for.
In fact, he only doesn't breathe a little, he inhales a big fat chunk of the oxygen around him, his nostrils flaring and his torso looking like an inflated paper bag. Gasping for air, his eyes finally registering the windows around him, and yes, no more dark spots.
"I'm not nervous," he says to himself. Everything he does to affirm himself that he is okay.
Or demands it, I think? (look, he's suddenly feeling a little helpless here and I can't do anything else but just write about it.)
And that, the acceptance to his crumbling status becomes another hurdle for this highschooler.
And here it comes, the dreaded bad omen. The realization!
What if he rejects him? What if the one day he'd finally gotten to stand and present himself to the boy he loves and becomes a stain to his humanity? To be looked at as a nuisance and be viewed as someone disgusting?
Oh no, was Xie Lian even gay? Fuck.
Now, Hua Cheng just doesn't start to spasm like a fucking washer, he starts quaking. Yes, like a solid eight in the magnitude scale because it feels like a terrible disaster. He is going to die and fail.
Congratulations, Hua Cheng! You have gaslighted yourself on being a hazard to your one and only love.
But don't be fooled, with little hope comes great redemption. And there we have it, Hua Cheng had an epiphany. His logic came to thanks to him bashing his head against the wall three thousand times. His mind has cleared, the birds giving him odd looks.
He thought that no matter the response, his feelings would remain the same. But to have him forever move on from this stage in his life, he's gotta take that first step. If you live a life of a coward, or not a coward, he has a strong philosophy in this life.
There is no wrong to want to gamble for Xie Lian’s as-
The door being the door, it was shut. Hua Cheng remains calm on the outside, the vibrating noises coming off from his brain have significantly lessened. With a hand, he pulls the door open, hard.
And after pulling, comes great regret.
The room was dark, so dark. But thanks to the light provided by Hua Cheng’s untimely intrusion, the room was suddenly washed with some kind of angelic brightness, almost perfectly driving away whatever evilness hides within the shadows.
And on what evilness they may hide? rather than evil, maybe naughty would be a more proper term.
In the corner were two tall figures, doing what seems like the illegal thing highschoolers do in the classrooms—kissing!
Before his brain could register the two identities in the room, he was pulled away and the scene before him had left his view when the door was swiftly shut. A hand wrapped around his wrist and then he was sprinting away from the classroom, his bangs that were thoroughly pushed to the side had been messed up by the wind.
The two students did not stop sprinting until they reached the end of the corridor, the person opened a locker and pushed them both inside. There was once again darkness and Hua Cheng could not utter a single word as the student covered his mouth with his own hands.
“Stay quiet.”
Just as he heard the voice, his ears started ringing. It was Xie Lian’s voice. Oh my fucking god, this was his crush with him stuck in a small space. And his hand is touching him. Hua Cheng did his best to not pass out at this point.
A few seconds later, they hear running footsteps pass by. They listen until it disappears into the stairwell. Xie Lian stopped holding his breath and let go of Hua Cheng’s mouth. His hand was soft and smelled like lotus flowers, Hua Cheng felt his cheeks heat up.
They both walk out the locker, Xie Lian coming out first before Hua Cheng and proceeds to stand behind him like a statue.
Xie Lian looked so gorgeous. The gorgeous man walked towards him and he felt himself grow more rooted on his feet.
“Hey, why did you open the door earlier? Did you know that Mu Qing and Feng Xin would be inside?”
Mu Qing and Feng Xin are two of the best mates Xie Lian has. Hua Cheng knows them and is jealous of them but he did not care enough to want to spy on them. He stuttered as he answered, “N-no! I did not know they were there. I w-was looking for someone else.”
Xie Lian’s confused face cleared. “Oh! My bad for accusing you.”
A friendly smile had formed along his lips and Hua Cheng mentally took a thousand shots to keep the image in his memory. He tried smiling back but his cheeks were paralyzed and the best smile he has right now is lopsided. Of course, he did not know that and Xie Lian only giggled.
“You are very cute! Thanks for doing that by the way, I have confirmed my suspicions.”
Hua Cheng did not know what to say as he stared awkwardly, scratching the back of his head.
“Anyways, good thing we hid. If they caught us it would be a disaster.” Xia Lian turned to look at Hua Cheng’s eyes, showing a hand. “I’m Xie Lian, nice to meet you.”
The statue fumbled about and took the hand, shaking it like a robot. “My name is Hua Cheng.”
“Hua Cheng! What a lovely name. Thank you for today, I’ll see you around.”
“W-wait! I have something to say to you.”
Before Xie Lian could walk away, he held his hands once more and he felt as if he was scalded. Hua Cheng’s heart was already beating out of tune and he probably smelled like summer sweat but he did not care. He came here to do his mission and finally get an answer. Xie Lian politely stood in front of him and waited for Hua Cheng’s next words.
Hua Cheng practiced a lot. He had the sentences memorized like a prayer and he knows his feelings by heart. His mouth was a little dry and his tongue felt almost paralyzed but he took a deep breath and finally brought out his most beautiful, most dazzling words of confession.
“I am gay.”
Xie Lian looked surprised, but there was no hint of ridicule in his eyes. “…Congratulations!”
“No! That’s not what I meant.” Hua Cheng fumbled. “I mean, yes, I am gay. Are you gay?”
…
Xie Lian looked even more surprised and started laughing. “Hua Cheng, you are a unique person. I will let you know the answer to that if we know each other better in the future.”
As the writer of this story, I am unsure how to explain and defend Hua Cheng any longer.
At this moment Hua Cheng felt like he failed. His shoulders slumped and cracking noises came from his heart. He bowed his neck and his eyes were looking at the blurry tiled floor, tears threatening to fall.
“Now, now.” Xie Lian walked closer to him, holding his hand firmer to reassure him. “I have a feeling that was not all you wanted to tell me. You can finish what you were wanting to say, I am here to listen.”
Hua Cheng could not hide it any longer and kneeled, with both of his hands on top of his thighs. “I have liked you since a long time ago, and I wanted to tell you that for years but only now did I have the courage to tell you my feelings. You are kind and gifted. You have a smile that could make the spring flowers bloom. Your words carry weight. You are smart and an empath. My eyes have observed you for so long that I have also seen you in your lowest, your downs, and your heartaches. For a moment, I believed I could be beside you to share those burdens that you keep from everyone else, but I am scared and utterly unqualified.”
“I like you, Xie Lian-ge. You are my world.” He looks up to his god with a comically placed string of snot hanging down his nose. He skillfully wipes it away, as he bows his head once more. He couldn’t see Xie Lian’s face because of his tears. Feeling defeated but also thankful that the weight on his shoulders were finally taken off.
“I do not expect you to say anything back to me. I’m just happy to have my feelings known.”
There was this feeling of loss but also a feeling of contentment. Hua Cheng knew inside his heart that this might be his last time interacting with Xie Lian so he figured he might as well lay his heart bare, even if it does feel like it was too much, at least he’d kill the idea of regret here and he had done his best.
There was this silence and it made Hua Cheng feel more nervous. He put himself in Xie Lian’s shoes and this was probably an absurd experience for him and a probably annoying person had just told them they have liked him for years. The last nail in the coffin was that he was a dude.
“That’s all!” Hua Cheng stood up as fast as he could and readied to run out like he was in a marathon.
“Hua Cheng, no, wait!”
He was already in the middle of the corridor but his feet stopped. He looked at the windows and saw the sun was almost swallowed by the horizons and there was a gentle peace. Here it is, he figured. I am about to be rejected.
Xie Lian caught up to him a few steps back. “Why are you running away?”
“I-” Hua Cheng did not know what to say.
“Do you… not want to know my response?”
The coward Hua Cheng made two fists, before letting his hands go. He bowed his head and closed his eyes, almost saying yes.
Xie Lian sighed. “Turn around.”
Hua Cheng shook his head like a kid. “Whatever you want to tell me, just tell me now.”
“You!”
Xie Lian could not satiate his anger and ran to face Hua Cheng. “Look at me!”
Hua Cheng looked up and saw an equally red face like his. Xie Lian always looked put together in his memories that seeing a new side to him today felt foreign. He was surprised.
Xie Lian, “I will admit it is my first time getting a confession from someone… and it is from a man. I am not sure if I am gay but I know that I am interested in you and I want to know you more. Can we be friends and figure it out from there?”
Can we be friends and figure it out from there?
Can we be friends and figure it out from there?
Can we be friends and figure it out from there?
Can we be friends and figure it out from there?
Out of all the outcomes, Hua Cheng did not anticipate this one. Looks like he has got more to learn about his god. He covered his face and nodded like a child.
Their hearts were beating wildly on their own sets of chest but in one magical moment, their hearts started to suddenly sync in some beats. It was the start to a love story that will take the world by storm, but the two incredibly ignorant to the flow of the future, would not know until then.
And that was the story of the success of Hua Cheng’s Confession.