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Tim slouched ever lower in his chair as Dick and Bruce’s voices became louder.
He barely knew what started it this time, they were having dinner and Bruce must have said the wrong thing because Dick got angry and then Bruce got loud and all of it was just making Tim’s head spin.
The food was going cold but Tim couldn’t bring himself to eat. He just wanted to stand up and walk away, away from the noise, the arguing, the anger, but he couldn’t. If he did, it would bring attention to himself and no matter what Tim could not do that. So he just sat there, waiting, distantly wondering which of his not-quite-family was going to storm off first.
Usually it was Dick. This time, it was Bruce who threw his hands up and the table shook from how fast he pushed away from it.
“I do not appreciate the tone that you are using with me.” Bruce growled. “If you do not want to be here, then leave."
“Maybe I should!” Dick’s eyes flashed. “Actually no, fuck that, I’m not the one who-“
Tim tuned out the rest of their words.
None of it mattered anyway, neither Dick nor Bruce ever really won these arguments. They would just get angry, yell, go off to be away from each other, then make breakfast together the next day.
Tim blinked slowly, keeping his gaze low, not wanting to attract either of their wraths.
His chest was tight but Tim ignored it. This would be over soon. But they were still yelling and Bruce hadn’t actually fully stormed off yet, and Alfred hadn’t stepped in either which meant that the Butler thought that this particular disagreement actually needed to be hashed out.
Beside him, Steph nudged Tim’s foot. Then again, more insistently.
Tim kicked her back, harder then he had meant to, but Steph didn’t get angry with him. Instead, she just cupped the back of his neck and it was only then that Tim realised that he wasn’t breathing.
All at once it was too much, the voices, the smell of food, Steph’s gentle hand.
The arguing fell away just as suddenly but the lack of noise just made Tim dizzier.
“Oh Timmy,” Dick breathed. “I’m so sorry.”
“We shouldn’t… I shouldn’t…” Bruce cleared his throat. “I’m sorry too.”
But it was too late.
Tim couldn’t breathe, but it was worse than that. He could barely see anything but blurs surrounding him, feeling all at once that he was being swarmed. His finger tips were tingling, like static over a radio, and he felt like he was going to be sick.
“Tim, you need to breathe, Bud.” Dick said.
Fuck this.
Fuck all of this.
He hadn’t come here for a fight, he should have just stayed at Drake Manor for the night but his parents were meant to be back tomorrow and Tim had hoped that a night at Wayne Manor have helped make going back home a little more bearable.
Chest seizing, Tim shoved away from the table and shot off towards the door.
He made it all the way to the hallway before there were new shouts and while he knew he needed to keep moving, he found that he couldn’t. His feet were somehow stuck on the ground as fear ran through his very soul.
Tim couldn’t breathe.
He couldn’t move.
He couldn’t do anything at all but stand there.
“Tim, are you… Shit, let’s get you sitting down.”
Tim tried to wave Steph off, needing to prove to her that he was fine, but his hands were simply shaking too much.
Steph tugged at Tim’s arm but he couldn’t even make her let go, only able to numbly follow her. It was only when Steph had him sitting down in the lounge room, though how they had gotten there so quickly he didn’t know, that Tim realised he was crying.
He commanded his body to stop shaking but it didn’t. If anything, it just made him cry harder.
“I’m sorry…” He choked out. “I… I can’t stop crying… I’m sorry.”
“Hey,” Steph said gently, smoothing some hair from his face. “You know I don’t care about things like that.”
“But I… I’m sorry.”
“Tim.” Steph said. “It’s okay.”
But Tim was already shaking his head because it wasn’t. Dick and Bruce’s argument hadn’t even been that bad, not by their standards, and yet Tim was overreacting to it all the same.
“It’s okay.” Steph said again, brushing some tears away. “Just let it out.”
“I can’t.” He said. “I can’t, because I should be better than this, I can’t just… Steph, I can’t.”
“Can’t what?” Steph asked. “Let yourself get emotional? Babes, I literally had a breakdown over waffles yesterday.”
“The waffles got burnt.” Tim said. “That’s absolutely a good enough reason to get emotional.”
“Fuck yeah it is,” Steph said. “Just like how it’s completely okay to get upset about what’s going on now.”
“But nothing is going on.” He said.
Even as he said that, it felt like he had been punched in the chest. Tim rocked forward, new tears burning hot as they ran down his face.
There were others, Tim realised, others hovering near by but not interceding. Shame burned hotter than the tears did but no matter how hard he tried to control himself he just couldn’t calm.
“Steph, I can’t, please I can’t breathe, I…”
“You can,” Steph said, cupping his cheek. “I know it feels like you can’t, but you can.”
Shaking his head hard, Tim found himself clawing at his chest. Warm hands guided his own away, and it took Tim a long moment to realise that it hadn’t been Steph but Dick.
Tim tried to pull his hands away from Dick, not wanting to waste Dick’s time, but Dick’s grip only tightened.
“I’m sorry Timmy,” Dick said. “I didn’t mean to spook you like that.”
Spook. Like Tim was some goddamned animal that needed to be warned of every loud noise.
“I should have known to be more careful,” Dick continued. “Especially considering the week you’ve had.”
A strangled sound came out of Tim before he could stop it.
The week hadn’t even been that bad. Sure, he had failed to save people who needed him the most, and yeah he hadn’t had sleep in what must be days by this point, but all things considered all of that was just par for the course for the position of Robin.
Being a vigilante could be beautiful and amazing and beyond freeing, but it wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows. It was violence and blood and death and Tim should be used to that by now. He was used to that. Tim does not falter when one of his bones break, he does not hesitate to put his own life in danger if it meant helping someone else.
Tim had needed to put aside everything to do the job that he has taken on, and yet he couldn’t handle one stupid argument?
While usually just Dick’s very presence helped sooth Tim, he found himself pulling away from his brother instead. Finally Dick let go, rocking back on his heels. Tim tried to rise but his legs refused to support him and all at once there was a warm hand on his shoulder.
Instead of Steph, or even Dick, it was now Bruce kneeling in front of him.
Tim fought ever harder to get a hold of himself, knowing full well that Bruce was going to regret ever taking him on as Robin if he couldn’t even do something so simple as controlling his emotions, but he found that he was only ever more of a wreck.
Sobs racked through him, his breath refusing to come.
“It’s okay, Son,” Bruce said. “Everything’s okay. Let’s just take some deep breaths together.”
Tim tried to push Bruce away but the man refused to leave.
Everyone always leaves.
It was an indisputable fact. Everyone always leaves except Bruce was still there and so was Steph and so was Dick and they should all just go, they needed to go. Tim needed to be alone, he was better when he was alone. At least when he was alone it didn’t matter how many tears fell, at least when he was alone he could just curl into a ball under his covers and drown out the rest of the world.
He just wanted to be alone.
Bruce guided Tim’s hand up to his chest. Bruce took in an exaggerated breath, held it for a moment, then let it go. Tim squirmed, trying to pull away, refusing to waste any more of Bruce’s time over something so stupid.
“Tim.” Bruce rumbled.
Bruce was angry with him.
Bruce was angry with him and he was going to be benched and Tim couldn’t be benched because that would mean that he would have to go back to the empty Drake Manor except it wasn’t going to be empty because his parents were meant to be coming home but maybe they had rebooked their flight again and had forgotten to tell him and god Tim wanted to throw up.
“Easy, Tim, easy,” Bruce said.
Oh how Bruce loathed him. How Tim loathed himself. Honestly, how could he ever expect to be respected as Robin if he couldn’t even get a hold of his own damn emotions.
Bruce had long since mastered having no emotions, he knew the importance of putting aside your own difficulties to help other people. Except when Tim looked up, meaning to shove Bruce away from him, he found that Bruce’s eyes were glassy.
Tim blinked quickly.
No, it must be a trick of the light.
But then as Tim watched, a single perfect tear rolled down Bruce’s cheek.
“Why?” Tim croaked, not understanding.
He had been so shocked that his own tears had finally stopped falling, confused as to why the Bruce Wayne would ever be crying in front of Tim. No. This was just a figment of Tim’s imagination, it had to be.
Bruce Wayne was Batman and Batman doesn’t cry.
“Because I don’t like seeing you hurting.” Bruce said simply.
Tim was blinking quickly again, heart rabbiting in his chest.
“Breathe, Tim,” Bruce said. “Here. Do it with me.”
Bruce took in another deep breath and this time Tim tried to do the same. He rocked forward, unable to hold back a whine as pain lanced right through his chest.
“It’s okay,” Bruce said. “Let yourself feel the pain.”
Tim shook his head hard. He needed to be better than this. He wasn’t just a Robin, he was a Drake. He couldn’t be getting so upset over literally nothing, he just needed to get the fuck over himself already.
“Tim.” Dick said, stepping forward once more.
“Yeah, Tim,” Steph said, though her voice sounded strained. “It’s okay to be upset.”
“No!” Tim snarled.
While he expected for Bruce to pull back, or maybe even reprimand him for taking a tone like that towards an adult, Bruce made absolutely no move to shift away from him. No, if anything, Bruce came a little closer still.
“Go away!”
They needed to go away. All of them needed to go away. Everyone else always did, why weren’t these people leaving him?
He needed them to go. He was so desperate for them to just go and leave him already. He needed them to stop pretending that they cared about him, Tim had long since known the truth about the way the world worked.
Relationships were transactional.
As soon as Tim had no further use, he would be thrown aside. And seeing as he couldn’t even stop himself from shaking, surely that time had at last come. Tim curled further into himself, not wanting any of them to see him as such a mess.
“Deep breaths Timmy,” Dick said.
Relationships are transactional.
Dick just wanted Tim to stop crying so that he could have the attention on himself again.
“Just let yourself cry.” Steph said.
Relationships are transactional.
Steph wasn’t really his best friend, she surely just wanted access to all the chaos he could unleash with all of his computer skills. The movie nights and the inside jokes were just so that he would lower his guard.
“We’ll be right here with you,” Bruce said. “So take all the time you need, Son.”
Relationships are transactional.
The only reason why Tim was here at all was because Bruce had needed someone to ground him after Jason died. Bruce didn’t want Tim because it was Tim, Bruce had simply been so lost in his head at the time that he had accepted Tim’s presence.
But now that Bruce’s depression had mostly lifted, Bruce didn’t need him anymore.
No one needed Tim anymore.
Tim needed to go. He needed to be alone. He wanted to be alone. Relationships are transactional and often times it felt as though that cost was at Tim’s very own soul.
“Breathe…”
“I can’t.” Tim whined, pushing against Bruce.
“You can.” Bruce said gently. “You just need to let yourself feel it. The pain, the fear, let yourself feel it all.”
But if Tim did that, he would surely break. No, worse than break, he would shatter. He’d been running on empty for months, maybe even years by this point. If he let himself feel all the shit that Bruce was talking about, there was a chance that Tim would never again be able to put himself back together again.
He was tired. He was so tired. But he couldn’t give in, not now, not ever. Batman needed his Robin, even if the haze of depression had been lifting.
Relationships are transactional and yet for some reason Steph, Dick and Bruce were still right here by his side even though surely by now they would have realised that whatever it was they wanted of him it wouldn’t be worth putting up with his stupid outburst.
“Tim.” Bruce said. “Let it go.”
“Go away and just leave me alone.”
“No,” Bruce said.
“I said get the fuck out of my face!”
“No.” Bruce said again. “I am not leaving you Tim, not like this.”
“But…”
There was a lump in Tim’s throat. He found himself burying his head into Bruce’s chest, new tears burning ever hotter when without hesitation Bruce wrapped his arms around him.
“I’m sorry.” Tim croaked, knowing that he was being pathetic.
“There’s nothing to apologise for, Lad,” Bruce said gently.
“I’m sorry.” Tim repeated.
Those two words were not enough, nothing could be enough to really show just how much he hated that he was wasting their collective time like this. The dinner was surely going cold, and Steph had some work she needed to do after the meal and Dick had mentioned something about going to Blüdhaven for patrol that night and yet Bruce, Dick and Steph were still right here with him.
“I’m the one who should be sorry.” Bruce said, holding Tim a little closer. “For not noticing sooner.”
Tim pulled away sharply and while Bruce let him, Bruce’s hands still for some reason were reaching out towards Tim.
“Congratulations,” Tim sneered. “You’ve seen through my ploy. You know that I’m just a pathetic little-“
“No.” Bruce said firmly. “None of that.”
“Yeah,” Dick agreed. “Talk like that doesn’t help anyone, least of all you. Trust me.”
There was something dark that crossed over Dick’s face then but Tim could barely process it, all of his own body feeling too raw.
Steph edged a little closer to him, looking somehow older than he had ever seen her as if she was greatly worried over something.
“How long has it been since you’ve been able to sleep?”
“Fuck you.”
“Tim.” Steph said.
Tim found his anger drain away, his shoulders dipping low in sudden exhaustion. He opened his mouth to say something but nothing seemed able to come out.
“I… I can’t.” He finally managed.
“Oh Bud,” Dick breathed.
Now that Tim had found himself speaking, it was like he couldn’t stop.
“Every time I close my eyes, all I see is blood and death and I’m sorry, I know it’s all part of this job, but it just doesn’t end! And now I can’t stop crying even though I know I’m being ridiculous and I know all of you hate me but I just can’t stop.”
Steph nudged Tim’s shoulder.
“We don’t hate you.” She said. “You just need a good nap.”
“Steph,” Tim tried.
“A really good nap. Like, those naps where when you wake up you don’t even know what year it is. Actually, what year is it at the moment anyway?”
Tim stared at her.
Steph only grinned, eyes flashing in mischief.
“Anyway,” Steph said. “Things will become a lot better once you actually eat something, don’t you think for even a moment I didn’t see you picking at your dinner Boy Genius, and after you actually get some sleep.”
“I told you,” Tim whined. “I can’t sleep.”
It was Dick who was smiling now, though Tim could swear there was still an old wariness in the look.
“That’s just because you haven’t tried the good ol’ Wayne Family cure.” Dick said.
“I’m not a Wayne.”
Tim didn’t know why that fact, because it was a simple fact, burned like acid in his throat.
Bruce reached out, setting a warm hand on Tim’s shoulder. Tim tried his best to not lean into it, but it felt so nice that Tim couldn’t help it.
“As far as I am concerned,” Bruce said. “We can be to you whatever it is you want.”
“My parents,” Tim stressed. “They’re coming tomorrow and I haven’t cleaned up and they’re going to be so angry and I need to-“
“Tim.” Bruce said. “Breathe. Take it slow, one step at a time. Like Stephanie said, you should try to see if you can eat something, then rest. Once you’re feeling better, you can decide what it is you want. And, if what you want is a movie night on the couch with blankets and popcorn, then I assure you that’s what we will do.”
“But you’re busy,” Tim insisted, hating how desperate he sounded.
“Not too busy for you,” Bruce said. “Never too busy for you."
It was a lie.
It had to be a lie.
Relationships were transactional, he’d been taught that long ago from just how every single interaction with his Mom and Dad was a cost to reward. Surely there was something he was missing here, surely there was some great joke they were playing on him.
Except Bruce’s expression was sincere, and Dick’s hand was now holding his own and Steph’s smile had softened.
It was simple manipulation to get what they wanted. But what did they want? If Bruce wanted a better Robin, he could easily get one, and if Dick had wanted a replacement for Jason he could have chosen anyone else in this damn city.
There was a catch here, there was always a catch.
“Bruce?” Tim’s voice cracked.
“Yes?”
“Can I… Can I stay? Here? With you?”
Even before the words had fully left Tim’s mouth he was already regretting them. Of course Bruce didn’t want him, nobody wanted Tim Drake, but then for some reason there was a warm smile on Bruce’s face.
“Of course, Tim,” Bruce said. “You will always have a place here.”
It was a lie.
It had to be a lie.
But there was something deep within Tim that wanted to believe in that lie. He wanted to believe that these people wanted him around not just for his detective skills or because they were stuck with him, but they wanted to be close to him because they actually genuinely cared about him.
Tim didn’t think that anyone had cared for him before, and yet he still yearned to believe in this perfect lie.
Relationships are transactional. But maybe the cost this time was going to be worth the reward. Maybe that reward itself was going to take Tim back off the edge of breaking point, and teach him just what it was like to feel loved, to feel cherished.
Tim wanted to be able to sit through an argument at a dinner table, with the people who were like family to him, without needing to run away and be alone. He had already been alone for so long, maybe it wouldn’t be so dangerous to let them in.
When Tim stood, his legs shaking, Dick did not hesitate to hold onto his elbow to keep him from falling. When Tim tried once again to eat something off his plate, Steph instead offered him some of her snacks that she had hidden all throughout the Manor despite not even living here. When Tim sank down onto the couch, Bruce did not hesitate to tuck him in with a blanket, asking Tim what it was he wanted to watch even though Tim’s eyes were already drooping.
His body still ached and his chest still felt a little tight, but Tim found himself feeling more steady than he had been for as long as he could remember.