Chapter Text
League of Assholes
the dickmaster
[01:28] i propose a siblings day out
[01:29] yknow, team bonding
I Todd You So
[01:30] fuck no
Damian Wayne
[01:32] Unfortunately, I must agree with Todd. He is unsavoury, as well as Drake.
timothee chalamet
[01:32] well excuse u
[01:33] also isnt it past ur bedtime
[01:33] go to sleep
[01:33] ur like 9
Damian Wayne
[01:34] I’m 12 ½, Drake. For a detective, your skills are severely lacking.
timothee chalamet
[01:36] its a SCHOOL night i know u dont have patrol
[01:36] go to bed omg
Damian Wayne
[01:37] As you claim, it is a school night, and as far as I recall, you go to school as well. Why aren’t you asleep, hypocrite.
steph’s little princess <3
[01:37] 🍿👀
the dickmaster
[01:38] why do i always get derailed? im the oldest, shouldnt u listen to me
I Todd You So
[01:38] nah
[01:38] cass, can u save me some popcorn
steph’s little princess <3
[01:38] 👍❤️
timothee chalamet
[01:39] cuz im an ADULT damian i dont have BED TIMES
I Todd You So
[01:40] adult, my ass. you’re goddamn seventeen and still the shortest in the family
timothee chalamet
[01:40] damians shorter than me????
I Todd You So
[01:40] yeah, only by an inch and he’s twelve and a half
timothee chalamet
[01:41] i hate this fckn family
[01:41] also arent u still banned from the manor
I Todd You So
[01:41] yeah
[01:42] my bike’s still trashed too
timothee chalamet
[01:42] cant roy help u w it
I Todd You So
[01:42] NO.
[01:42] he can’t know about my bike, e v e r
[01:42] if anyone in this fucking family tells him, it’s your head in my duffel bag next
the dickmaster
[01:43] jay
[01:43] we talked about this
[01:43] no more decapitation
I Todd You So
[01:44] i hate this fucking family
Damian Wayne
[01:45] I am retiring to my chambers not because I am tired, but because you all have proven what a lack of sleep ensures.
[01:45] I refuse to grow up to possess the same lack of brain cells you all pertain.
[01:45] Goodnight.
the dickmaster
[01:46] im tearing up
[01:46] i think that was the nicest goodnight weve ever gotten from him
timothee chalamet
[01:46] ur standards r on the floor
[01:47] and thats coming from me
steph’s little princess <3
[01:47] [Image ID: Tim is lying face-down on the carpet of his study, laptop glowing beside him and phone flickering with texts. He looks dead. His hair is a mess, and his pyjamas are Wonder Woman-themed. /End ID]
the dickmaster
[01:47] jesus christ tim
[01:47] go to sleep
I Todd You So
[01:47] yeah, there’s only enough room for ONE dead wayne in this family
the dickmaster
[01:47] omg JAY ADMITTED HES PART OF THE FAMILY
I Todd You So
[01:48] What.
the dickmaster
[01:48] im taking screenshots
[01:48] im so proud of u little wing
I Todd You So
[01:49] cass, you can have the popcorn. i’m not coming over after patrol.
steph’s little princess <3
[01:49] 🙁
[01:49] I miss little brother
I Todd You So
[01:50] you can blame it on dickhead over here
the dickmaster
[01:50] hey!
[01:50] it’s dickmaster to you tyvm
I Todd You So
[01:51] jesus fucking christ
[01:51] i don’t understand how roy had a thing for you when you were younger
[01:51] insufferable.
[01:52] also, tim, IS THAT MY FUCKING PJS?
steph’s little princess <3
[01:52] he passed out
[01:52] i am carrying him to his bed so he doesnt wake up with a sore neck
I Todd You So
[01:53] replacement doesn’t deserve you
steph’s little princess <3
[01:53] i love all my family equally <3
the dickmaster
[01:54] u guys actually make me so proud
[01:54] [Image ID: A crooked selfie of Nightwing featuring wobbling lips and a half-hearted peace sign. The moonlight illuminates the tear tracks running down his cheeks, slipping out from under his domino mask. /End ID]
I Todd You So
[01:55] i wish you had a single bone capable of feeling shame in your body so i could humiliate you on twitter
the dickmaster
[01:55] dw little wing, ive already posted that selfie on twt
[01:55] and i tagged u!!
[01:55] baby brother <3
I Todd You So
[01:56] actually kill yourself
steph’s little princess <3
[01:56] baby brother <3
[01:56] [Image ID: Tim tucked into bed, his hair splayed out messily on the pillow and some drool forming a line down the side of his face. There is a bootleg Ratman plushie tucked in next to his face. /End ID]
the dickmaster
[01:57] thats a keeper
timothee chalamet
[07:01] who did this
[07:01] i just want to talk
[07:02] [Image ID: A selfie of Tim staring begrudgingly at the camera. His mouth is a thin slanted line and a deep crease forms between his eyebrows. All over his face, in black marker, is a crude depiction of a cat face, complete with ears that don’t really work above his eyebrows, whiskers, and a black triangle coloured in over his nose. On top of that, in much thinner marker, are very flaccid doodles of sad penises, and on the bottom of his chin is the worst soul patch the world has ever seen, amazing considering Roy exists. Lastly, right smack-bang in the centre of Tim’s forehead, is a sign saying: ‘has anyone seen my spleen?’ in very bad handwriting. It is barely legible. /End ID]
Damian Wayne
[07:03] Tt. Alfred has made your cheesy omelette hellbeast of a concoction. Come down before it gets cold and I burn it to the depths of hell where it belongs.
no.1 tim drake hater
[07:03] wow tim lookin goooood
[07:03] r u going to school like this
[07:03] i think u could finally be popular
timothee chalamet
[07:04] istg steph
[07:04] after i finish breakfast i am skewering u to the wall and shaving off all ur hair
no.1 tim drake hater
[07:04] urgh no thx
[07:04] i already have someone to skewer me to a wall and she doesnt wear a goatee <3
[07:04] plus if anyone here could rock the bald look we all know its me
I Todd You So
[07:05] it’s a soul patch
[07:05] he’s wearing a soul patch
timothee chalamet
[07:09] JASON
[07:09] THIS WAS U??? HOW DARE U
[07:09] IM HUNTING U DOWN I KNOW ALL UR SAFE HOUSE LOCATIONS
I Todd You So
[07:10] it wasn’t fucking me!
timothee chalamet
[07:11] IM GOING TO RIP UR WONDER WOMAN FIGURE OUT OF ITS PACKAGING AND GIVE IT TO TITUS AS A CHEW TOY
I Todd You So
[07:12] STEP AWAY FROM MY WONDER WOMAN FIGURINE
[07:12] SHE IS THE BEST THING I HAVE IN THIS WORLD AND IF U HURT HER I WILL GIVE U A FIRSTHAND DEMONSTRATION OF HOW IT FEELS TO GO OUT WITH A CROWBAR TO THE FACE
[07:13] SHES LIMITED EDITION YOU BITCH
the brightest of them all
[07:13] good morning everyone
[07:13] oop or ig not
[07:13] oh look there’s a cat that needs saving BYE
timothee chalamet
[07:14] DUKE WAS THIS U
[07:14] DUKE ANSWER ME IM COMING FOR U
[07:14] I NEED TO GO TO SKL LIKE THIS
[07:15] i just want to put it on record i hate everyone in this family aside from alfred
[07:15] he is the only one who loves me and i hope killer croc mauls everyone to death tonight
[07:15] ty and goodbye fuck u all
the core four
red robin THICKe
[07:34] i have been mutilated
[07:34] [Image ID: Tim is sitting at the breakfast table, grumpy with a sliver of egg by his mouth. His face is still full of graffiti. In the background, only the edge of Damian’s face is visible but his disgust is palpable. Steph’s blonde hair is waving frantically in the background as she cackles over her cereal, milk snorting out her nose. Cass looks concerned, but the concern is not directed at Tim. Surprisingly, nothing is on fire. /End ID]
Super Hot
[07:37] oh shit what happened 2 u
wonder gay
[07:38] is this a new gotham villain or is this dick
we’re allen this together
[07:38] GOOD MORNING EVERYONE
[07:38] Oh shit Tim u look like crap do u want me to come over i can come over rn rq
red robin THICKe
[07:38] thanks bart but idk who did this
[07:38] it was ONE of my siblings
[07:38] OR TWO
Super Hot
[07:39] ur the gr8est detective alive im sure u can figure it out
red robin THICKe
[07:39] i just need it OFF my skin
Super Hot
[07:39] i could come over
[07:40] maybe my heat vision can burn it off
wonder gay
[07:40] i can’t believe i have to say this but. please: DO NOT DO THAT
red robin THICKe
[07:40] do u think itll work
we’re allen this together
[07:40] could i watch
wonder gay
[07:40] i repeat: DO. NOT. DO. THAT.
[07:41] who am i kidding. ur not going to listen to me
[07:41] i’ll get ur funeral ready
Super Hot
[07:42] i could ttk it
red robin THICKe
[07:42] i will buy u ice cream
[07:42] i will buy u all ice cream
[07:42] pls come over rn i need to get dressed for skl
Super Hot
[07:42] omw bby
we’re allen this together
[07:43] [Image ID: A selfie of Bart’s face squeezed next to Tim’s, who looks mildly emotionally constipated and awkward. Alfred is smiling quietly in the background. Damian is chasing someone else out the room with a sword. /End ID]
Super Hot
[07:43] fuck u
[07:43] also i smell smoke
League of Assholes
I Todd You So
[13:09] which one of you fucking brats did this
[13:09] [Image ID: A grilled cheese sandwich in a red tupperware box, sitting amongst a collection of plates and open lunch boxes on a generic cafeteria table. Everything is normal aside from the terrifying accurate image of Brucie Wayne, goofy grin and all, scorched into the face of the sandwich. Below his face, in perfect block letters, is ‘I Love My Dad!!!’, matching the stickers that fills in the rest of the tupperware. In the background, Artemis and Bizarro can be seen failing to hold in their laughs. /End ID]
Damian Wayne
[13:10] Are you criticising Alfred’s design choices? While I must admit this is a rather…unique addition to your lunch, your dismissal of his food proves how used you are to the very comfort you protest against. Shame on you.
I Todd You So
[13:10] alf did not fucking do this
[13:11] i know it was someone here
[13:11] fucking replacement, i bet it was you
[13:12] REVENGE?? really, tim?
[13:12] FOR THE LAST TIME, I DID NOT DRAW ON YOUR FACE
[13:12] although now i wish i did
[13:12] i’m so getting you back for this
timothee chalamet
[13:56] bitch it wasnt me
[13:56] is ur helmet so far up ur ass that u cant c something as basic as the TRUTH
[13:56] put 2 AND 2 TOGETHER
[13:56] I WAS GETTING MY FACE FIXED BY KON BEFORE SKL THANKS TO YOU I HAD NO TIME TO FUCK UP UR FUCKING GRILLED CHEESE
I Todd You So
[13:57] you’re gonna be needing to get your face fixed for real tonight.
the brightest of them all
[13:59] oh no
[14:00] tim just apologise
timothee chalamet
[14:00] IT WASNT MEEEEEEE
steph’s little princess <3
[14:00] 👀🍿
timothee chalamet
[14:02] this familys despicable
Private Conversation: Timothy Drake, Cassandra Cain
Timothy Drake
[16:30] wru
Cassandra Cain
[16:30] dance studio
Timothy Drake
[16:30] ill pick u up after
[16:30] 6 good or u staying longer
Cassandra Cain
[16:30] 6 is fine
[16:31] what’s wrong?
Timothy Drake
[16:33] nothing
[16:33] i just need reserve forces
[16:33] has jason talked to u
Cassandra Cain
[16:34] not since he messaged the gc
Timothy Drake
[16:34] ok perfect
[16:34] we need to strike first
[16:34] ill send the plan and blueprints via email
Cassandra Cain
[16:35] 👍
Private Conversation: Jason Todd, Damian Wayne
Jason Todd
[16:30] kid
[16:31] hey, psst
Damian Wayne
[16:35] What.
Jason Todd
[16:35] want to help me get back at tim
Damian Wayne
[16:35] What is my reward?
Jason Todd
[16:35] brat
[16:36] i’ll give you one of my guns
Damian Wayne
[16:36] I do not care for your toys.
Jason Todd
[16:36] i’ll give you a ride on my bike
Damian Wayne
[16:37] I already said I do not care for your toys. Your old age is catching up to you, Todd.
Jason Todd
[16:37] fuck you
[16:44] i’ll help you steal the batmobile
Damian Wayne
[16:44] Tonight.
Jason Todd
[16:45] fuck no
[16:45] tomorrow night, have patrol tonight
[16:45] and you have homework
Damian Wayne
[16:45] Tt. Tomorrow night and I get to bring Jon.
Jason Todd
[16:46] are u insane??? no metas in gotham. b’ll be on us immediately
Damian Wayne
[16:46] Tomorrow night, I bring Jon, and you buy us churros.
Jason Todd
[16:47] tomorrow night and i buy u churros. two servings, even
Damian Wayne
[16:47] Tomorrow night, Jon, two churros for each of us, and we adopt a new animal.
Jason Todd
[16:47] all of that, minus jon
Damian Wayne
[16:48] Deal.
[16:48] Batcow is coming home tonight.
[16:48] :)
Jason Todd
[16:49] what
[16:49] who taught you to smile like that
[16:49] was it jon
[16:50] where did you find a fucking COW
[16:50] dami answer me
[16:52] fuck this shit
League of Assholes
the brightest of them all
[18:40] hey so alfred called for dinner half an hour ago
[18:40] everythings packed away in the fridge now so u can heat it up when ur back
[18:40] i left the manual on the counter cuz the new microwave is fancy
[18:41] it has SO many settings
the brightest of them all
[19:02] hey where did everyone go
no.1 tim drake hater
[19:03] plotting
[19:03] :)
the brightest of them all
[19:03] what does that mean
[19:04] dont u have patrol
[19:04] steph????
no.1 tim drake hater
[19:05] p l o t t i n g
[19:05] : )
the brightest of them all
[19:05] b come pick me up i’m scared
timothee chalamet
[19:06] duke come to my room
Private Conversation: Jason Todd, Duke Thomas
Jason Todd
[19:06] do not go to tim’s room.
Duke Thomas
[19:07] u just ended ur sentence with a period
[19:07] what’s going on
Jason Todd
[19:07] come to my room if you value your life
Duke Thomas
[19:07] can i get some cake first
Jason Todd
[19:07] no
[19:08] bring some for dami
Duke Thomas
[19:08] i’m bringing up 3 slices
Jason Todd
[19:08] fucking loser
[19:09] what kinda cake is it
Duke Thomas
[19:09] alfred’s triple chocolate
Jason Todd
[19:09] hurry
[19:09] the war begins soon
Private Conversation: Timothy Drake, Barbara Gordon
Timothy Drake
[19:10] its u isnt it
[19:10] but what do u get out of it
[19:10] it doesnt make sense
Barbara Gordon
[19:10] the war has started, timothy
Timothy Drake
[19:11] whatever dick has promised u i can do u one better
[19:11] i’ll give u whatever intel u want
Barbara Gordon
[19:11] the war has started, timothy
Timothy Drake
[19:11] ILL DO UR PAPERWORK FOR A MONTH
Barbara Gordon
[19:12] THE WAR HAS STARTED TIMOTHY
League of Assholes
the dickmaster added Barbara Gordon to League of Assholes.
Barbara Gordon changed their nickname to BBQ stands for BarBieQueer.
BBQ stands for BarBieQueer
[19:54] gg, guys
[19:54] [Video ID: A compilation of security footage. The first video exposes Tim and Steph hiding in the living room: Tim’s coffee-fueled manic gaze can be seen peaking out from under a set of elaborate cabinets and Steph’s blonde hair can be see sprawled out from behind a sofa. Jason, Damian, and a paranoid Duke enter the living room quietly, each holding a plate of half-eaten chocolate cake.
Steph gasps, springing out from behind the sofa and pointing a finger accusingly. “They’re hoarding Alfie’s triple chocolate cake!”
Tim rolls out from under the cabinets, equally as betrayed. “How dare you! Is this my fucking punishment, Jay? Huh? Huh!? This is a new low, even for you.”
Cass drops from the ceiling, successfully swiping Duke and Jason’s chocolate cake slices. Damian, however, hisses and skids to the side, dodging the attack. Each team look at each other, and it turns into an all-out brawl for the last slice of chocolate cake. Swords slice through the air, batarangs whirl about, and another chandelier crashes to the floor. Everyone freezes when they notice Alfred standing in the doorway, each in the middle of their own battle: Steph is trying to claw Damian from her hair; Signal is a glowing human stick as Cass desperately tries to find more shadows to dodge through; and Jason and Tim are two feral dogs, teeth bared and fingers curled, looking seconds away from biting each other’s heads off.
“There is plenty cake in the fridge,” Alfred tells them.
They all stop, eyeing each other warily, before walking dutifully as a group to the kitchen. All of their heads are bowed. In the corner of the screen, Dick’s gleaming eyes can be seen grinning. /End ID]
the dickmaster
[19:55] it wasnt quite what i intended, but mission success!
[19:55] team bonding completed!
I Todd You So
[19:55] DICKFACE
[19:55] IT WAS YOU
the dickmaster
[19:56] twas i, correct
[19:56] with the help of my lovely assistant ofc
BBQ stands for BarBieQueer
[19:56] *bows*
timothee chalamet
[19:56] i knew it
no.1 tim drake hater
[19:57] oh shut up tim
[19:57] u knew nothing
timothee chalamet
[19:57] no no i rlly did know!!
[19:57] but i just couldnt figure out why barbs would help dick
BBQ stands for BarBieQueer
[19:58] and u confronted me way too late
timothee chalamet
[19:58] u said it was WAR
steph’s little princess <3
[19:59] barbie is always correct
[19:59] i will always go to war for alfred’s cake
[19:59] and all of you <3
[19:59] 🥰❤️❤️❤️
no.1 tim drake hater <3
[20:00] aw babe
[20:00] i would gladly go full red hood and decapitate a bunch of losers for u <333
I Todd You So
[20:01] HEY
no.1 tim drake hater
[20:01] i said they were LOSERS jay
[20:01] urgh the cake thieves are still idiots
the brightest of them all
[20:01] we didn’t steal!!!!
[20:01] i called yall for dinner but no one came!!
[20:02] the cake was always there!!!!
no.1 tim drake hater
[20:02] smh i cant trust the words of a liar
[20:02] who BETRAYED FAMILY
the brightest of them all
[20:02] I BETRAYED NO ONE
timothee chalamet
[20:03] tbf we literally tried to recruit u to our side and u went straight to jason
I Todd You So
[20:03] what can i say? i’m everyone’s favourite
Damian Wayne
[20:03] Yes, favourite disaster.
timothee chalamet
[20:04] oop
the brightest of them all
[20:04] oof
no.1 tim drake hater
[20:04] ouch
steph’s little princess <3
[20:04] ♨️
I Todd You So
[20:05] that’s it, i’m outta here
timothee chalamet
[20:05] coward
[20:05] WAIT N
no.1 tim drake hater
[20:06] lol he ded
BBQ stands for BarBieQueer
[20:06] guess its not a war without at least one casualty
the dickmaster
[20:15] hey guys
[20:16] wheres the fucking cake
[20:16] did u srsly eat it all
[20:16] IT WAS ONLY A FEW MEASLY PRANKS
[20:16] INTENDED TO INSPIRE COMRADERIE
[20:17] TEAM BONDING
[20:18] dicks
timothee chalamet
[20:18] what can i say
[20:18] we learnt from our oldest brother
[20:18] :)
Private Conversation: Bruce Wayne, Damian Wayne
Bruce Wayne
[07:20] Did you adopt a cow?
Damian Wayne
[07:20] No, father.
Bruce Wayne
[07:21] Then please tell me why there’s a cow in my bedroom.
Damian Wayne
[07:21] Jason adopted her.
[07:21] Also, your bedroom is hardly a satisfactory environment for her wellbeing. We need a barn.
Bruce Wayne
[07:22] Of course we do.
[07:22] When I woke up, I expected my day would be spent organising the construction of a barn.
[07:23] Please don’t tell Jason to adopt any more animals.
Damian Wayne
[07:23] You told me to never make promises I can’t keep, father.
League of Assholes
BBQ stands for BarBieQueer
[07:24] [Video ID: Bruce in his bedroom wearing the most typical old man pyjamas in the world, complete with a droopy sleep hat, is staring at a cow with a cute pattern across its eyes resembling the Bat-Signal. Bruce looks down at his phone, up at the cow, and back down to his phone. The cow moos. Bruce sighs, a palm slapping over his tired eyes. /End ID]
the dickmaster
[07:25] now THATS a keeper