Chapter Text
Pony’s POV:
Ever since Johnny and Dally died, everything has just felt empty. Everything but my head.
Everyone’s been real quiet lately. Darry and Soda have themselves caught up in work, trying to keep our heads above water.
Two-bit and Steve don’t stop by anymore. They’re both off doing who knows what. It makes me think about how Steve and Soda’s relationship is at work.
But I don’t want to think. That’s all I ever do anymore.
I know it’s my fault they’re gone. I shouldn’t have stayed out late. I shouldn’t have run away. Maybe that’s why my brothers are avoiding me. Why Two-bit and Steve don’t come by anymore.
Maybe they’re all tired of me.
Dally and Johnny’s deaths hit us all hard, even people like Two-bit and Darry. Even though they can be polar opposites. I thought about how that could be possible— two people so oppositely stubborn being affected the way they were.
But I don’t want to think. I’m tired of being alone with my thoughts.
Sodapop used to be good at helping me with this sort of thing. But Soda and I don’t talk much anymore. I keep my back facing him in bed. He does the same. I think I disgust him, considering it is my fault.
But I don’t want to think. A thought like that is what makes me sob myself to sleep silently beside a person who hates me.
Every once in awhile when I’m walking down the street I’ll cross Two-bit or Steve. They don’t greet me.
I wouldn’t greet me either.
Two-bit no longer walks down the road with a wacky grin, or even makes smart remarks. Sorta makes me think of Dallas.
But I don’t want to think. I just wanted my brain to be a clean slate.
One Saturday I was home alone, Soda and Darry working per usual. I decided to go for a walk. I didn’t know where I was going. I was just going to walk.
A couple minutes of walking alone with my thoughts, I found myself on a street I hadn’t found myself on in awhile. I kept walking forward, pushing the thought back like it was nothing.
I wish I could do that with all the others.
Soon after, I saw Two-bit not too far away, walking towards me. His eyes were fixed on a path strait ahead and right through me, ignoring me if he even had noticed me.
I don’t think he wanted to notice me.
I hate thinking, I thought to myself. Darry wouldn’t mind too much though, since maybe I’ll finally use my head due to how much I’m stuck in it.
Once he got close enough, I noticed he was sporting a black eye, his face looking serious and unbothered as it has been since what happened.
It made me think of Dallas.
But the last thing I want to do is think. The last thing I need to do is think. I hate it.
Two-bit was walking right by me at this point. I had a full view of his arms— one of his wrists carried a couple of small cuts, covered with his own dried blood. He kept walking on with a straight face.
It reminded me of the way Dallas had cut himself in the hospital with Two-bit’s blade. The way he covered his pain with anger.
But I didn’t want to be reminded of anything.
I’m so fucking tired of being reminded of everything that’s my fault.
I dropped to my knees. I had finally given up. Thinking is the most tiring thing I’ve ever done. I sat on the sidewalk and sobbed like a little kid, unbothered by the thought of others seeing.
That thought would be the least of my worries compared to how all the others haunt me.
The footsteps leading away from me stopped, then began to come closer. The only thing I could do was cry.
I couldn’t lift my head up, or even see with the amount of water filling my eyes, but I knew it was Two-bit.
Or maybe I was just hoping it was.
He held my shoulders with a firm grip— lightly shaking me. He was probably saying something, but I wasn’t listening. My ears filled with the sound of my own cries.
I don’t know how but the next thing I knew I had my head against his shoulder, his arms busy holding my head and rubbing my back.
“I-I’m real sorry Two-bit. I know it’s all my fault and that- that you and all the others hate me. I’m sorry that Johnny and Dally are gone because of me. I shouldn’t have ran away or let that Soc drown me or let Johnny run into that church with me o-or let Dal run out of the hospital ” I rambled off a choked apology of all the reasons I was undeserving of life itself .
I was wetting his shirt with my tears as I grasped it tighter. He didn’t seem to notice or care too much though.
Because his body was shaking almost as much as mine and I could hear him quietly gasp for air. He was crying to.
Two-bit Matthews— the jokester, the wisecracker, the happiest one of us all— was now crying on the sidewalk with me, his body racking with sobs.
“Kid-“ Two-bit‘s voice shook before he resided to ruffling my hair, which hadn’t been greased for awhile.
I wondered whether or not Two-bit didn’t hate me or was just doing this out of pity. But I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to know the answer.
But I guess thinking is something I’ll always suffer from.