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Gojo had done a lot of stupid things thanks to his pride and ego, but even though he continued to hide behind a silly and exaggerated personality, he’d mostly grown out of that stage.
Mostly.
It was his ego that got the better of him this time – because he couldn’t stop himself from showing off with a certain senpai at his side – and now he was facing the consequences of his actions. Years had passed since he’d gotten a scrape or bruise, much less allowed a curse to actually touch him with an attack, but something about that little scowl on her face tricked him into letting his defenses down.
Which was how he found himself now sitting on a table in the morgue while Shoko examined him.
“Couldn’t we do this in your office?” Gojo asked.
Shoko lifted her eyes from his chest up to his face. “Uncomfortable?”
“Yes, it makes me feel like I’m close to death.”
The answer was shockingly honest, to the point where he raised his eyebrows. He hadn’t planned on saying that, but it was the truth. Sitting on one of these tables in the morgue made his mind go to uncomfortable places. Due to the nature of his abilities, he didn’t think about death very often, but he had come closer to it than most before. The last time he’d been hit by any attack was when he’d very nearly died.
Still, it wasn’t like him to admit something that close to his heart. Normally, he would’ve brushed it off with a glib comment and a joke, even with his oldest friend.
Shoko stood upright. “Interesting.”
Gojo furrowed his brow. “What’s interesting?”
“You don’t appear to be physically injured,” Shoko stated, “but there is a lingering bit of foreign cursed energy on you.” She tilted her head, looking over him again. “It wasn’t noticeable until you spoke though.”
He frowned, trying to focus on the cursed energy in the room, but just as she said, he felt anything right now, and he’d been too caught off guard by his response to pay attention. Now that was uncomfortable – the thought that he had a curse’s energy attached to him that not even he could see.
“Say something else,” Shoko instructed.
“Like what?”
Shoko hummed. “No, that didn’t do anything, so it’s not just voice or talking related.” She rubbed her fingers along her lips. “You answered me, so maybe it’s activated by a question.”
“That’s absurd,” Gojo snorted.
“How are you feeling right now?”
Even though he did think it was absurd, Gojo would’ve either brushed off the question or dismissed it with a playful quip, but instead, as if his mouth had a mind of its own, he said, “Confused – and wary.”
Shoko smiled. “Are you scared?”
“A little–” Gojo stiffened. “What the fuck ?”
Before he could process the fact that he’d admitted to being scared out loud for the first time in his life, the door to the morgue burst open, revealing the very cause of this prickly situation. Utahime wore an irritated look as she stormed into the room, dressed in a change of clothes supplied by Shoko after she got hers dirty from falling into the mud.
“Is the idiot good?” Utahime demanded, looking at Shoko.
Despite the confusing situation, Gojo managed to force a smile onto his face. “Aw, are you worried about me?”
“As much as you piss me off, you’re the pinnacle of Jujutsu society,” Utahime snapped, coming to a stop in front of him. “If something were to happen to you, chaos would ensue.” She folded her arms across her chest, a cute angry look on her face. “And I am not going to be involved in that.”
“You know, you’re really cute when you’re mad.”
Surprise flashed across Utahime’s face. “What?”
“I said you’re cute when you’re mad–” Gojo snapped his jaw shut so tightly that his teeth hurt. He was used to thinking things like that when it came to Utahime, but aside from teasingly flirting with her here and there, which she rarely seemed to catch, he never said them out loud – and never so blatantly.
He’d been aware of his attraction to Utahime for years, but he knew better than to act on it because he wouldn’t be able to have what he actually wanted. That wasn’t how things worked for him or the kind of life he could have.
Looking almost perturbed, Utahime ripped her eyes away from him and turned to Shoko. “What’s wrong with him?”
“He’s just being honest,” Shoko replied, waving a dismissive hand in the air. “You are cute when you’re mad.”
Utahime scoffed. “I’m being serious–”
“And so am I,” Shoko said. “Physically, nothing is wrong with him – he’s completely uninjured – but it looks as if the curse’s attack has a lingering side effect of, well…forcing the victim to be honest.”
“So what? He can’t tell a lie?”
Instead of answering her, Shoko turned her attention back on Gojo.
He scowled and growled out, “Don’t–”
“Why did you drop Infinity for the curse?”
Gojo didn’t want to answer – he really didn’t – but even though the words that spilled from his mouth hadn’t even gone through his brain to be processed, they were the truth. “It wasn’t for the curse. It was for Utahime.”
Shoko tilted her head. “Why would you drop it for Utahime?”
“I always drop Infinity when I’m around her,” Gojo answered without hesitation, “so I can feel close to her.” He slapped a hand to the side of his face, closing his eyes, and growled irritably. “Stop– Stop with the fucking questions!”
He didn’t want to open his eyes to see their reactions, but he didn’t have to see them to know what they looked like. Not only could he sense Shoko’s smug grin, but he could feel the shock from Utahime. He liked to say things that would rile her up and get her flustered, but he’d never silenced her quite like this. It made him feel strange, embarrassed even, and he didn’t know how to handle that.
Grinding his teeth together, Gojo asked, “How much longer am I going to have to deal with this?”
“As far as I can tell, every time you give an honest response, the amount of cursed energy lingering on you lessens,” Shoko told him, “so, if I had to guess, the more honest you are, the faster it’ll wear off.”
“Or I can just never talk again,” Gojo countered, “which I could never do since I like to run my mouth.”
“That counted as an honest response,” Shoko said with a chuckle. “It’s nice to know you’re aware of how much shit you like to talk.”
Gojo jumped off the table, too jittery to sit still any longer, especially with Utahime being so silent. “I can’t deal with this. I don’t like being honest about how I feel.”
Shoko shrugged. “You can’t avoid your feelings anymore.”
“I can if I’m not around her!” Gojo snapped, pointing an accusing finger at Utahime.
“Me?” Utahime sputtered. “Why me?”
“Because I will humiliate myself if I admit how I feel about you– Fuck !”
Utahime blushed, further taken aback. It was almost a relief because he didn’t know what his mouth would say if she talked back to him. He’d managed to keep a tight lid on his growing feelings and thoughts when it came to Utahime over the past decade. Sometimes, he could even forget about them entirely, only for them to come roaring back to the surface when he saw her. It had been easier when he was younger and could pass them off as hormones, but now that they were older, especially after she’d been scarred…
Just looking at the scar that crossed her face brought too many complicated emotions to the surface, and he couldn’t deal with them right now, not when he couldn’t deflect and hide.
“I’m going back to my room,” Gojo declared tightly. “Leave me alone for now.”
“The truth will set you free!” Shoko called out as he stomped out of the morgue.
Gojo sneered furiously. The truth? The last thing he needed to do was tell the truth. It was one thing to have so many roaming thoughts about Utahime, but it would be another to have to admit that they were far stronger than just some on-again/off-again attraction due to the nature of their lives.
Some nights, he wondered if sleeping with her just once would be enough to knock out any questioning thoughts and feelings about her, but he knew now that it would only make things worse. Besides, he didn’t want to just sleep with Utahime. She meant far more to him than just some notch on his bedpost or a quick lay to get it out of his system without needing any strings.
“Wait!”
Of course Utahime hadn’t listened to him. She was too stubborn – and despite the brusque way she had inquired about his condition, he knew it was because she genuinely cared. Because unlike him, she had a good heart, a kind heart, something he’d adored about her for as long as he’d known her.
So he did not wait and he did not look back, too wary of what he’d see. “No.”
“Gojo, you idiot, just stop–”
Her fingers brushed against his back, her hand reaching out to touch him, and he rounded on her abruptly, snatching her by the wrist to stop her cold. “I told you to leave me alone.”
Utahime stared up at him with wide eyes, but instead of anger over being spoken to so coldly, she wore another look of surprise. “Why don’t you have Infinity up?”
“Because even though I’m pissed off and confused and kind of freaked out, I want to touch you,” Gojo told her. “I don’t get the chance very often and I don’t like letting strangers in.” His grip on her wrist tightened, frustration bleeding into him. “Could you stop with the questions? It’s annoying me.”
“Now you can get a taste of your own medicine,” Utahime shot back, some of her usual heat finally returning to her. “You annoy me all the time.”
“Only because I like to rile you up,” Gojo said. “It’s funny and you’re cute and it’s nice to have someone treat me like a normal person for once.”
“So what?” Utahime demanded. “It’s your way of flirting with me?”
“Yes, but you never seem to catch on. I don’t know whether to be relieved or frustrated–” Gojo let go of her and took a step back. “Stop it! Just– Fuck. Drop it, okay? I do not want to talk about this.”
“Why not?” Utahime bit her lip, drawing his attention.
He could’ve groaned. How many times had he pictured himself kissing her and drawing her bottom lip between his teeth? With how much they bickered with each other, he bet she liked for things to be a bit rough.
But he couldn’t get lost in one of his usual daydreams now, not when he was compelled to reply. “Because it scares me.”
The silence that followed his confession of fear made Gojo’s heart plummet into his stomach. Because it was the truth. Deep down, he was terrified when it came to his feelings for Utahime – because they were genuine and he had learned the hard way once before that the people closest to his heart could hurt him the most. He could tell himself that he was only physically attracted to her, but that wasn’t the truth. His feelings for her ran far deeper than that.
And he couldn’t act on them, so it was better to never talk about them at all.
When a faint smirk tugged at Utahime’s lips, Gojo narrowed his eyes. “What’s that look for?”
“Wow,” Utahime murmured, “so the great Gojo Satoru is afraid of something.”
“Of course,” Gojo scoffed, “I have fears and insecurities too.” He scrunched his nose in disgust. “It felt weird just saying that.”
“It sounded weird too,” Utahime admitted with a laugh.
“Then why do you keep asking questions? Why follow me?”
“You need to burn off the cursed energy so you’re no longer affected by the curse’s technique,” Utahime told him. “And I thought, maybe…” She shifted on her feet, a rather bashful expression coming over her as she looked away from him. “I thought I could help since I seem to be a…source of conflict for your honesty.”
Gojo snorted. “You’re the source of a lot of conflict within me.” She looked back at him and opened her mouth, but before she could ask him another question, he quickly jumped in. “Fine, okay, you can…help me.”
“Never thought I’d hear that from you,” Utahime muttered under her breath.
“But if we’re doing this, can we go somewhere more…private?”
Utahime gave him an adorably confused look. “Why?”
“Because if I’m going to be forced to be honest about my feelings for you, then I’m going to want to kiss you,” Gojo stated directly, “and I don’t want to be around others for them to see it.”
Though her cheeks grew pink, Utahime asked, “Are you that embarrassed about your ‘feelings’ for me?”
“I don’t want others to know just how weak I am when it comes to you,” Gojo confessed, the words spilling from him without abandon.
Utahime’s mouth parted slightly as she gaped at him. “Oh.”
“And I also don’t want them to see you like that,” he added. “I’m selfish. I don’t want to share you with anyone.”
Swallowing thickly, Utahime took a hesitant step toward him. “Okay.” She didn’t reach out to him, though he saw her hand twitch at her side like she wanted to. “Somewhere private then.” She looked him in the eyes. “You trust me, right?”
“With my life.”
She softened, a look he didn’t see often directed at him. It was enough for him to close the small gap, wrapping a hand around her waist and bringing her snug against him. This close, he was aware more than ever how small she was compared to him. He knew, if he dared to open his mouth to speak, he’d start blabbing every thought he’d had about her when it came to this, so he kept it firmly shut. She was so small, but she was also soft and warm. Even as his heart raced with anxiety, a part of him felt soothed as he brushed her bangs out of her eyes.
How many times had he dreamed about this as well? Something as simple as holding her against him should not drive him up a wall. It wasn’t as if he was an innocent virgin.
Once she nodded in agreement, he teleported them off campus. If she was surprised to find herself at the penthouse he rarely stayed in these days, she didn’t say anything. She had only been here a handful of times and never with him alone. Seeing her here dressed in casual clothes, knowing he didn’t have to share her with any of their friends, being able to hold her in his hands – excitement threatened to bubble over him, but his anxiety grew as well.
Maybe this had been a mistake. He honestly didn’t know what he would say to her, not when he’d been lying to himself for years.
“Has the cursed energy lessened some?” Gojo asked in a quiet voice.
“Mmhm, I can see it dwindling.”
Gojo closed his eyes. “Good – because I can’t take this shit for much longer.” Opening his eyes, he forced himself to let go of her and took a step back. “Let’s get this over with. Ask away.”
After taking a deep breath, as if she was the one being forced into honesty, Utahime calmly asked, “How long have you had these…feelings for me?”
“Years,” Gojo said.
Utahime raised both eyebrows. “ Years ?”
“Yeah, I mean, of course when I was a teenager, I thought you were hot,” Gojo told her. She gave him an unimpressed look as if she didn’t believe him, which was insane since he was out here telling her shit that he’d sworn to never say out loud. “I did – all the time. Blame it on teenage hormones, but you were an easy person to think about whenever I wanted to jack off in the morning.”
“Gee, thanks,” Utahime scoffed.
“I’ve fantasized about you a lot over the years,” Gojo admitted.
“So what?” Utahime asked, gesturing vaguely. “It’s just a lust thing? That’s not embarrassing.”
“It’s not just a lust thing,” Gojo replied.
“Then what–?”
“Maybe in the beginning it was, because I was young and an idiot and you were my favorite person to rile up, but it has definitely evolved over the years and become something…more.”
“So you don’t want to just sleep with me due to our proximity and familiarity with each other?”
Gojo laughed. “Oh, I definitely want to sleep with you. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about it and all the ways I’ve imagined it because I lost count. Hell, with the few partners I’ve had over the years, I was usually thinking about you even when I was with them.”
Utahime gaped at him like he was insane. “Then why not do anything to act on it?”
“Because you’re different,” Gojo confessed. “I know it makes me sound like an asshole, but unlike them, I genuinely care about you, Utahime. You’re important to me.”
“You’ve got a weird way of showing it,” Utahime pointed out. “You can be such a bastard sometimes.”
“I know, because it’s easier to tease you and even be a dick if it means keeping you at an arm’s length,” Gojo told her. “Because if I didn’t – if I let myself act on how I feel about you, how much I want you – I wouldn’t be able to stop myself or let go. I couldn’t be casual about it, and I don’t– I don’t know how to do that. It was safer to not show it or act on it because what if you didn’t feel the same way? It’s not like I’ve inspired you to like me. In fact, you probably hate me.”
“I don’t…” Utahime pressed her lips together. “I don’t hate you, Gojo. It’d be easier if I did.”
He hated the way his heart did a strange little flip. All she’d said was that she didn’t hate him, and it was as if she’d confessed her feelings for him in return. Fuck, he truly was an idiot when it came to her.
Clearing her throat, Utahime continued, “So you, um, you hid your feelings for me to protect yourself?”
“And you,” Gojo said. “Like I said, I don’t know how to not do casual. I’ve never had a serious relationship, but I know I couldn’t have anything less than that with you. I want more than that. Every time you got into a relationship, I thought I was going to lose it – because I was jealous and angry that some loser had the balls to get with you but I could only tease you.”
“Were you that scared of rejection?” Utahime asked incredulously.
“Yes, but it was more than that too.” He let out a breath and shook his head. “What if you didn’t reject me? What if you, for some unknown reason, reciprocated? How the hell would I be able to handle that? Even if we did get together and tried for a serious relationship, I knew it would cause trouble and you would suffer the consequences.”
Utahime placed her hands on her hips. “Oh, so you were saving me by ignoring your feelings?”
“Yes, because even if you treat me like just a man, I’m not just another person,” Gojo declared. “A relationship with me would’ve affected you on every level – not just personally, but also professionally. The Higher-Ups hate and fear me. Plus, not only am I the strongest sorcerer of our time, but I’m the head of my clan. What exactly do you think is expected of me?”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s not like I can just date anyone,” Gojo explained, somewhat bitterly. “It’s why I’ve never tried for a relationship to begin with. My family has been trying to force me into a marriage since I was in high school so I can quickly have an heir, but I’ve been pushing back due to my responsibilities as a sorcerer. If I ever became serious with someone, they would have a lot of expectations put on them as well, and you know how much I hate clan bullshit.”
Utahime wrinkled her nose. “You’re not wrong there.”
“And I know you’ve had multiple marriage offers from other sorcerers, including highly-ranked clan members, because of your cursed technique,” Gojo continued, “but you’ve either turned them down or the offers were recinded. I know you were embarrassed, but you were relieved too.”
She stiffened. “How do you know that?”
Gojo swallowed. “Because I threatened a few of them into taking back their offers.”
“Why would you do that?” Utahime demanded, her cheeks reddening with embarrassed. “Why would you get involved–?”
“Because I wanted you and I couldn’t have you!” Gojo exclaimed. “And if I couldn’t have you, then they couldn’t either.”
She gawked at him in a mixture of shock and embarrassment. “Is that all you did?”
Gojo gritted his teeth but was forced to admit. “No.”
“What else did you do?” Utahime asked.
The curse’s technique must’ve been wearing off because he could stop himself from answering immediately, but he could feel it tugging on him, the words on the tip of his tongue. She must’ve realized it too because she stepped closer to him, making him feel like he was being pushed into a corner.
He didn’t like it.
“What else did you do, Gojo?”
“I–” Gojo swallowed and looked away from her, determinedly glaring at the wall. “I scared off a few of your boyfriends.”
“Are you serious?”
“It wasn’t that difficult,” Gojo insisted. “They were weak. They didn’t deserve you. If a few passive aggressive comments or idle threats or my mere presence was enough to scare them away, they weren’t good enough for you.” He shrugged. “Besides, even if you were sad at the time, you always got over them pretty quickly.”
Utahime clenched her hands into fists. “Is that the only way you’ve meddled in my life?”
Gojo squeezed his eyes shut. “No.”
“How?”
“Your– Your status.”
Utahime poked him in the chest. “Answer me properly, Gojo. Tell me the truth.”
“Your grade status,” Gojo blurted. “After your injury, I recommended to the Higher Ups that you no longer be considered for a promotion to a full grade one or be sent on solo missions anymore.”
The moment the last word left his mouth, relief swept over him. He’d been fighting so hard against the curse’s technique, but being honest about the one thing he’d feared the most seemed to help him break through it. He had known, when he made that choice, it would change things. She hadn’t even been out of the hospital yet when he'd gone to the Higher Ups and made the recommendation. If she ever found out, she’d hate him and all his feelings for her would be worthless.
And here she was now, staring at him with a strangely blank look on her face. “What?”
“It was to protect you,” Gojo said, slowly starting to feel more like himself again.
Utahime’s face heated. “You don’t get to make that decision about my life!” She poked him in the chest again, a vicious jab to match the anger in her eyes. “You know how much it hurt me when the Higher-Ups told me I would be kept at a semi-grade one position. You-You– You comforted me.”
He grimaced. It was one of the very few times she’d sobbed in front of him and didn’t even push him away when he rubbed her back. Even though it was a sad memory for her, an awful part of him had been pleased. Yes, she was upset, but she would be safe. Not to mention the scar made her slightly less desirable in a sexist world like Jujutsu society, so he didn’t feel as if his place was threatened as much.
“Seeing you in the hospital made me realize so many things that are wrong with our way of life,” Gojo said. “I almost lost you, and I couldn’t allow that to happen ever again.”
With angry tears brimming in her eyes, Utahime asked, “Was the job offer to teach at Kyoto based on your recommendation too?”
Gojo shook his head. “No, that was all you.” He gave her a smile. “I can’t deny that I was relieved you took it, even though it meant you were further from me, but you’re a great teacher. You’ve been reduced to support roles for most of your career, but this kind of support is important and special. It’s why I decided to become a teacher too.”
“Because of me?”
“Yeah, you were inspiring.” He was also relieved that she didn’t smack him away when he touched her bow, a little happy to brush his fingers through her hair. “I remember the first time I visited you on campus. I told you that I’d had a nearby mission, but the truth was, I just missed you. I saw you with your students – the way they looked at you, how you spoke with them. It gave me…hope for the future, and I wanted to do the same.”
Utahime gazed up at him. “Gojo…”
He sighed, his body relaxing now that it no longer felt like he was being held in an invsible chokehold. “And it’s over. The curse’s energy is gone.”
“How can you tell?”
“I just can.” Gojo shrugged. “Ask me a question.”
Utahime hesitated for a moment, then quietly asked, “Do you love me?”
“Nope.” Gojo held out his eyes. “We’re all good now – back to normal.”
“Was that a lie?”
Gojo flashed her a grin. “I guess we’ll never know.”
She didn’t smile back, still gazing at him with a considering look. “Do you want things to go back to the way they were before?”
He turned away from her, because he didn’t want her to see the pained look that flickered across his face, and coolly replied, “It’d be easier if it did, wouldn’t it?” He fished his bandages out of his pocket and began to carefully wrap them around his head to cover his eyes. “Could you do that?”
“If you wanted.”
Pausing in his ministrations, Gojo peered at her sideways with one revealed eye. “And what do you want?”
For a moment, Utahime didn’t say anything, just looked back at him. His heart thumped in his chest, the anxiety back even though the curse’s technique was gone. It was easy to hide and lie, but he had to admit that he hadn’t done as good a job of pushing things to the side as he’d told himself. Could he now that Utahime knew the truth?
Maybe by telling her about what he’d done to protect her, he’d ruined any chances of a future with her. Maybe that was what he should’ve done in the first place, but he couldn’t let her go entirely. He didn’t want that.
“I want…” Utahime fiddled with her fingers in front of her. “I want us to be honest with ourselves.”
Gojo gave her a warning look. “Utahime…”
“Can you do that, Gojo?” she asked. “Not because of a curse’s technique, but for me?”
“I could try.” Gojo turned to face her and took a step forward. “You do realize what you’re saying, right?”
“Yes, I do,” Utahime told him, “even if I’m still pissed off at you.”
Gojo chuckled. “Of course.” There were some things that would never change, but he was relieved about that as well. That had been one of his greatest fears when it came to confessing his feelings for her.
Tilting her head back, Utahime asked, “Now that you’ve confessed your feelings, do you want to kiss me?”
“Yes.”
“Then do it – because I want you to kiss me.”
Gojo didn’t hesitate, cupping her face in his hands and bending down to capture her lips with his. She wrapped her arms around his neck and stood on her tiptoes, bringing her closer to him and allowing him to deepen the kiss. It wasn’t his first kiss, but in a way, it almost felt new, as if he was experiencing it for the first time.
An honest, genuine kiss – because he had lied. Maybe this was the first step, and he could finally be honest with himself and admit he did love her.