Work Text:
The cigarette smoke was smooth in Nick’s mouth as he observed Nora. Across the yard she worked diligently with one of the newer settlers. Some kid named Grant from somewhere south of Diamond City. Nick hadn’t really paid attention to his story when they returned from Lynn Woods. He was far too distracted by the events of the day to really care. Nora on the other hand listened to him like a woman possessed, and immediately offered to teach him how to grow things in this area. Nick’d been around her enough to know she was going to bore that poor kid to death with talk about pre-war growth zones and what will survive best with the change in climate since the bomb. So he busied himself elsewhere for most of the day.
“Alright now grab that sack of fertilizer,” Nora’s voice was even as she spoke. Any time she was teaching someone she adopted what he called her teaching voice. It was a simple change in her persona while she switched from the ‘legendary vault dweller’ to someone very capable at teaching. “you’re going to want to take a handful and put it around the tato plant’s base.” She scooped a hearty amount of the fertilizer from the bag in front of her and gently placed it around the tato plant.
Grant looked at her incredulously. “I’m gonna what!? That shits used in jet, that ain’t going anywhere near my food! I quit that stuff before coming here.” he threw his hands in the air, making a big show of being about to leave.
Nick snorted at Grant’s theatrics. There wasn’t always a guy who knew how to make jet at the settlements, but when there was he could count on them to give the same reaction. Fertilizer is a precious resource to past drug makers, but they usually find the food they grow to be more important.
“Pre-war this was used to help plants grow. All plants. Just because it can also be used to make drugs doesn’t mean that’s all it's good for.” Nick’s eyes narrowed as he watched her. Normally she wouldn’t react much to someone being surprised about fertilizer but she sounded exasperated. It was hidden from Grant behind her seemingly even tone but Nick had been with her long enough to begin reading her tells.
Nick took another drag of his cigarette and looked over the settlement they were at for the night. They were lucky with this place. Tonight they had a shelter set up for the two of them. The settlers had been extremely pushy in ensuring that Nora slept in the ‘nicest’ space once they’d returned from the North. Though they probably didn’t intend for him to be included in that invite considering the side eye they gave him when he accepted for Nora. Too often she would turn these offers down and then have to sleep outside; tonight was not the night for that.
Her voice cut through the night. “No you don’t-agh,” Nora nearly shouted at the kid, and the even tone she always used was slipping even further. “Sorry. That was a tato plant that Glenn had planted earlier. Fortunately it looks like you took out the roots with it, so we can replant it.” She gingerly took the plant from Grant and placed it in the newly dug dirt Softly patting the ground around it.
Nick felt a stab in his chest when Grant laid his hands over Nora’s as she patted the dirt down. Then the roaring fire of rage lit in his ears as he watched Grant whisper ‘Is this how to do it?’ Nora swatted away Grant’s attempt. barely even acknowledging it.
What was that? Nick hadn’t felt any emotions like that, well ever. Not since he woke up in that trash heap at least. Pre-war Nick certainly had, any time someone tried to talk up Jenny in front of him. But Nora wasn’t Jenny?
He focused on Nora again. It seemed like she was starting to reach the end of her rope with Grant. Nick could see the growing stiffness in her shoulder from across the yard.
When did she last sleep? She got up at 3am today, always so weird about getting to settlements bright and early. Five hours from camp to County Crossings, and hour trying to get the information out of Grant or Glenn who seemed more keen to tell her about themselves, then two and a half hours hiking to Lynn Woods, five and a half hours hiding out in the tower trying to make it out of there alive while the raiders were slaughtered, three hours hiking back a bit of deathclaw meat richer, four hours with the settlers completing various tasks… He exhaled a cloud of smoke. Shit, twenty hours without sleep. How’d I miss that?
He snuffed out the cigarette on his metal hand before tucking it back into his pack. It was time to pull her out before she ran herself into the ground.
Where the hell did she get this energy from? She always seemed to have ample amounts of it to teach all these dumbasses how to grow the same shit they’d always been growing. I didn’t even have this kind of energetic optimism when I was a kid. He walked across the yard wrapped in his thoughts. That’s just the stuff she was made of though. Hell, she said she’d become a defence lawyer to help the little guy. I’m sure she was just like this before.
God we would’ve been at each other’s throats if we ever met before the bombs. We’d probably have shared a drink at least.
Not that it would have been me.
His hand came to rest on her good shoulder and he gave three soft squeezes. Tension melted away under his touch and he felt her lean slightly into his hand.
“Sorry Grant, I’ll be taking my leave now. Didn’t realize how late it had gotten,” she stood as she spoke and Nick took his hand away. The warmth from her shoulder stuck to it for a few moments. “Nick and I will be heading out early in the morning. You’re picking up everything great though.” She clapped him on the shoulder as she walked past him.
Grant spoke after her, “You know if you need some company-” the words died on his lips as he watched her speed out of the garden. “Damn, women am I right? I listen to her this whole time. The least she could do is give me the time of day.”
Nick’s eyes flicked over to Grant. “Whatever camaraderie you’re trying to get you won’t find with me.”
“Oh right, robot parts. In the dark you look so human I forgot you’re just a sack of wires.” Grant laughed.
Nick didn’t react to his insult and instead followed after Nora. It wasn’t anything he hadn’t heard before, and honestly he’d heard much worse from people coming to ask him to work for them.
Nora had already made it to the shelter and was waiting for him in the doorway. Her hair was unruly, and he could read the exhaustion in her body even in the darkness. She watched his approach from the same spot he’d been watching her just minutes before.
“Thank you for getting me out of that. I think I was moments away from snapping.” She chuckled. “He just kept doing such stupid stuff.”
“Shhh, keep it down. He’ll hear you,” Nick winked at her, “he was probably doing it to try and get you to stick around with him.”
“Oh he was doing it to stick something,” She rolled her eyes before backing into the room.
He let out a chuckle, her banter always kept him on his toes. “If you’re hungry there’s some food for you on the bedside table. I’m just going to secure the door.” He reached for the large chunk of metal he’d propped up earlier. At least if Grant and his buddies manage to knock this over it’ll give me enough warning to stop them from getting in. While he trusted Nora’s judgement of most people, something was putting him on edge today.
“I’m just glad we dragged over those bed frames from the National Guard. I do not want to be sleeping on the floor after today,” Nick noted the exhaustion leaking back into her voice.
The sheet of metal screeched as it ground against a rock. He imagined Nora winced at that one. “Yeah that was pretty kind of you. Those ghouls were no joke.” He left his question of why hanging, hoping she might finally explain why she went back out after what happened earlier. With one final pull the metal was across the doorway, coming in right at chest height on him. He doubted that they really needed it, knowing that his paranoia was all that really had him securing the place this much. The door clicked shut behind him as he turned to grab the chair he’d set aside earlier. Stopping only a hair’s breadth away from Nora who had frozen in place only a few steps into the room.
“You didn’t have to…” her voice was quiet, so quiet he wasn’t sure he’d have heard her if he wasn’t so close. His gaze followed hers to the plate of food he had made for her.
“Oh, make you dinner? I thought the day warranted more than your usual canned meals.” He could feel the warmth of her body at this distance. He cleared his throat hoping it would be enough to shake the strange thought out of his head. “Eat up, the tatos might be a bit cold but the deathclaw steak should be perfect.”
I should move, this is uncomfortably close . But something stopped him from moving. Something didn’t want him to be the one to break away from this moment.
“Thank you,” her voice was a bit louder then. Some of her natural confidence seemed returned.
They stood there for a moment longer. The heat of her body against him. The hint of flower wafting from her hair. The spark of a memory began and ended in a flash. Not enough to be tangible, but enough that it felt important.
If he was a man, she might have noticed a blush working across his face. If he was a man, maybe something would have happened between them. If he was a man, he might have socked Grant for what he was implying.
But he wasn’t, and there was nothing more than a close partnership between them.
Nora moved away from him then. He nearly reached after her, nearly grabbed her arm and turned her to him. He wanted to let her know how scared he was for her today, how glad he was they got out of there relatively unscathed, how much she meant to him. But he stopped himself. This wasn’t the time for that. He let her walk off without moving so much as a millimetre.
Nora sat on the bed and began eating wordlessly. And Nick quickly moved across the room from her the moment he knew she was settled. He leaned back against the wall and began to dig the cigarettes out of his pocket. His fingers itched for something to distract him from these new thoughts.
“We both know you forget to eat under normal circumstances.” He broke the silence between them needing something to return even the slimmest feelings of normalcy. “It's not exactly a gourmet meal, but I figured today would be a good day to not eat one of those canned meals you like to gather.” He waited for her usual biting response. She was always fiercely protective of the scrap she gathered. Not that he could ever understand why.
None came however.
“It's fine, Nick. Probably the best looking meal I’ve had since I woke up.”
“Don’t let Takahashi hear you say that. You’d break his heart.” He raised the lighter to his face then, grateful he had an excuse to hide the growing smile from her. It was rare their banter strayed from their witty back and forth. Most often it was dropped in small moments, where he’d drop his guard and move away from the safe protectiveness of sarcasm. It was only just long enough to show his unfiltered gratitude for her before he’d raise his guard back up again. He wasn’t ready to be so vulnerable with her, but at the same time he treasured the few small moments they shared. There wasn’t anyone else he’d want to venture through the Commonwealth with. And she brought him with her. And he got to see the good she was bringing first hand. They visited many settlements together and there were many times she’d rope him in to helping set up walls and plant crops. Normally he wouldn’t do it, but it brought him comfort knowing that the Commonwealth was lucky enough to have someone like her in it. And if the cost of seeing it happen was to help her put up a few walls and plant a few crops, well it was more than worth it.
“We’ll have to check out your arm when you're done though.” He took a drag from his cigarette done, playing with the feeling of the smoke on his tongue.
She didn’t respond to either prompt and he didn’t press her. He let the silence take the room, glad to have a moment to his thoughts again. Where he was safe to reflect on the events of the day without her keen eyes looking him over.
When did I start craving closeness to her? His feelings towards Nora had caught him off guard this evening. That jealousy with Grant, the smell of her hair, hell I damn near grabbed her.
The smell of her hair, the flower, it was something from his past. The memory played at the edge of his consciousness. The harder he focused on it, the farther it slipped away.
Was it something to do with Jenny?
Christ, when did I last think about Jenny? Is that when Nora started leaking into his mind? The Eddie Winter case marked the end of his connections to pre-war Nick. It's when he finally laid them all to rest, Nick, Jenny, severing the connection to them with a single hole through Winter’s head. Finally, Jenny’s death was avenged and the only things tying synth Nick to his pre-war counterpart were finally gone. Maybe with that Jenny came to matter a little less to him each day. She was another man’s love and he was finally able to live his own life. Feel his feelings without ties to the past.
Was that when his feelings on Nora changed as well? She was there with him, haphazardly moving across the Commonwealth to hunt down all of Winter’s holotapes until they were able to finally discover the door code. Nora even let him have the final shot. Winter was begging for his life after he’d fired the first few rounds into him. Pre-war Nick would never have acted outside of the law, but the law of the Commonwealth was different. It allowed him to be the judge, jury, and executioner. There were no more technicalities protecting Winter from the justice that he so readily deserved.
She followed him outside once it was done, listened to him prattle on about how he felt. And when it was time for him to thank her for everything, she wouldn’t even accept his thanks. ‘That’s what friends do,’ she told him. Friends. Was that what they are in the end? Just friends.
He could finally move on to live his own life as Nick the Synth. No, Nick the Detective. Out of the shadows of another man’s life, another man’s love. Sure they’ll always share the same memories, mannerisms, morals, drives even, but they weren’t the same. Pre-war Nick was born to a world at war, he lived a life with rigid rules and an established society. Nick the Detective was born in a trash heap of an already ruined Boston. The war was over, the soldiers laid to rest where they stood as it ended, and he was left with no idea of how he got there or who he was. He had to carve a name out for himself, a life that he could call his own. And it finally was his own.
The finality of all that was brought about by Nora.
Tar flavoured smoke filled his chest and he snapped back from his thoughts. He’d gone through the whole smoke while deep in thought and begun smoking the filter. Fifteen minutes had passed without him noticing. He shot a quick glance across the room. Nora had finished her plate of food and was sitting there fidgeting with dials on her PipBoy.
“Seems I got myself caught in a reboot cycle,” he joked, sure she had noticed his lack of attention. He flicked the spent cigarette out of the room through a gap in the wood wall. “Let’s get your arm looked at so you can sleep. You’ve been up for well over twenty hours now.” He headed for the pack that he’d left beside the bed. Inside held the supplies he’d collected to take care of her in the event of any kind of injury. Thankfully his makeshift first aid kit had everything they’d need to look over the wound.
“Yeah, it really has been a long day.” she let out a long sigh, “I’ve kind of been dreading going to sleep,” the confession caught Nick by surprise.
“Is that why you kept teaching Grant through to eleven at night?” He sat beside her on the bed, wordlessly guiding her to turn so he’d have better access to her shoulder and arm.
“Somewhat,” she gingerly pulled her arm out of the sleeve. Wincing as she raised it out of the neck hole until the neck of her shirt wrapped under her armpit. The wrappings over her arm and shoulder were fully exposed. “I wanted to avoid my thoughts mostly.”
Nick grunted in response, not wanting to admit that he had been doing the same since they’d gotten back. The wrappings on her upper arm and across her shoulder were bloodied, but the wounds beneath didn’t seem to be bleeding any longer. The stimpacks had done their thing as the day progressed. Gently he began to unwrap the cloth wrapped around her. Closely looking over each newly revealed section of skin for any signs of deep tissue infection beginning. Stimpacks were miraculous on their own but they didn’t always prevent the risk of infection. Most of what he could see was muddied with dried blood. Making it hard to really tell what, if anything, was happening underneath.
He could hear Nora fighting to keep her breathing even. She had fully turned to face away from him and the wound. Either not wanting him to see her in pain, or not wanting to see how bad the damage was.
“It’s good we got to it when we did,” he grabbed a bottle of clear liquor from his bag and began gently pouring some onto a waiting cloth. “The stimpacks took care of most of the healing but after the next one you’re going to have a wicked scar.” He tried to ignore the guilt that punctuated the moment. If he’d been just a bit faster, a bit better, maybe she’d be fine. He grabbed her arm with his good hand to hold it steady. “This is going to sting, but I need to wipe away all the blood to get a good look at things.” She nodded slightly and he felt her begin to tense under his hand. Quietly he counted down so she could anticipate the coming pain, then once he reached one he began to lightly dab away at the area around the wounds, making note of just how much of her arm the claws had caught.
The claw marks stretched from midway up her upper arm to across her back. Narrowly ending before her spine. The deathclaw had caught her with a wide swipe as she was diving back into the tower. He still remembered her scream when she landed. In quiet moments on their journey back it haunted him.
They were lucky those two deathclaws couldn’t fit inside to go after them. The doorway barely stopped them as one had begun trying to reach into the room after her. In his panic he’d grabbed her good arm and dragged her towards the stairs. Every bit of him was so scared he’d wrench her arm out of her socket with how violent of a jerk it was, but better a dislocated arm than her killed by the deathclaws. Once she was out of there reach he picked her up and carried her most of the way up the tower. There wasn’t any rhyme or reason to when he stopped running. One minute he knew he had to get her away, and then the next he knew he needed to treat her.
He used what he remembered of his first aid training from over 200 years ago. They’d scrounged up many stimpacks in their adventures, so he was lucky to have plenty to use to heal her. One stimpack in the top of her shoulder, the other in her back. He aimed to slow the bleeding by getting the tissue to rapidly regrow. He had ignored the skin rapidly stitching itself back together in front of him instead focussing on sterilizing a needle and stitching thread he’d taken from one of the hospitals they’d visited. There was so much blood, he was scared it was too late.
The stimpacks did their work though and his in the field stitches held up well as he wrapped the wounds. When he finally knew that she was going to be okay, that she wasn’t going to die on him. He just sat there and held her. He didn’t let go of her. Just held her in his arms until she finally spoke up.
He’d barely thought about it since it happened. They both had the same methods of coping. Just moving on from an event without really acknowledging it too much, no matter how much it bothered them. Maybe, this was one they should talk about.
Nick finished cleaning her wounds and took a closer look at how they were healing, “That’s the last of it,” his eyes searched every inch but everything looked to be healing properly. “We’ll do one more stimpack then I think we’re good to go.” She was shaking under his touch. He could see it throughout her whole body. “I’m sorry, I know I’m not really the best for this. We should go see Dr. Carrington or Dr. Sun. They’ll make sure it isn’t infected.” She didn’t respond, didn’t show any acknowledgment that he had even spoken. He grabbed a stimpack, trying his best to move past the guilt. “Brace yourself,” he waited a moment for her to tense then plunged the needle in. He watched as it emptied itself into her, counted to ten, then removed and dropped the stimpack into the cloths beside him. Her skin started closing immediately. The claw marks becoming thick pink scars as the stimpack worked its magic. He breathed a sign of relief when the stitches dissolved and he was glad they didn’t have to worry about pulling those back out.
Once it slowed down to nothing he let go of her arm and stood up, “alright you’re all good now. But be careful with your arm, if you do anything too strenuous it might reopen the wounds and we’ll be back at square one.” Nick gathered the bloodied items and threw them into a far corner of the room. With any luck Nora would forget about them and Grant would have to take care of cleaning it up. The prick could be useful for something then.
When he turned back to check on her Nora was still shaking. Her back was fully turned towards him. The shaking didn’t seem like it was from the pain any more.
“Nora, is everything okay?” Nick rushed to her and tried to sit so she was facing him. She turned as he got closer to her face. A bolt of panic shot through him, something was more wrong than he thought. Had something been lodged in the wounds that was now digging into her newly reformed skin. He’d been so hasty in getting her patched up he hadn’t looked well enough. They’d need to head for the Railroad base first thing in the morning. Dr. Carrington would know what to look for.
He knelt in front of her and took her hand in his. “Nora, look at me. Is there something in your shoulder, did I miss something?” His concern was rising higher than he thought possible. The day had already been so long for them both, but it would be worse if she was permanently injured from this.
She continued to keep her face away from him, the shaking in her body getting worse than it was while he cleaned her wounds. Was it shock setting in?
A wracking sob shattered that line of thinking.
He felt his coolant pressure spike as his panic pivoted. It wasn’t a pained cry like before, she was upset. And he was flustered, he didn’t know what to do when someone cried. Any time a client started crying at the agency Ellie would step in. She always knew what to do to calm them down enough to tell him what he needed to start the case. He was out of practice. How could he help calm someone as strong as Nora?
Nick stopped that line of thinking before it got worse. It wasn’t his time to panic, Nora needed him. He began digging through his pocket, hoping that the old pre-war chivalry Nick had had survived long enough for a damned handkerchief to still be in there. The panicked fear still sat at the periphery of his consciousness but he knew he had to spring into action.
“Nora,” his voice was softer now. Rife with all the worry he could muster. “Please look at me, tell me what’s going on.”
A few long, agonizing seconds passed before she finally turned to look at him. Tears covered her face. Without a thought he reached up with his handkerchief and began to wipe them away. She was upset, more so than he’d ever seen. Maybe they would finally talk about what happened.
“Whatever you need to say, lay it on me. I can take it.” He wished he had more to offer her.
She didn’t say anything to him, but he could see her beginning to calm as they looked at each other. The shaking in her limbs slowed until it was barely there.
“Nick…” she squeezed his hand tightly, swallowing past a lump forming in her throat. “We could have died today.”
There they were. The words they’d left unspoken.
It was like they were scared of jinxing their good luck. Held under the belief that if they spoke about these near death experiences the next one wouldn’t only be near death. So often these moments went unaddressed. The times where raiders got lucky shots and nailed Nick somewhere. Or when feral ghouls got the jump on them and Nora came away with a new scar. All these moments were ignored until now.
And now they were finally going to talk about it.
“Yeah,” he let out a sigh, “we could have.”
“They got the jump on us, even though we were up in the tower,” a waver was beginning to enter her voice. “I shouldn’t have pulled that lever. Why did I pull that lever?” her grip on his hand was strong. He could feel the pressure and he swore for a moment that it hurt.
“They didn’t get us though, we’re still here. We’re in one piece.” He needed to reassure her, they needed to talk about this but it wouldn’t progress if she started spiralling.
“I would have died without ever saving Shaun.” The sobbing started again.
Shit .
“I wouldn’t have let you,” he was trying to be light. Bring even the hint of a smile back to her face. He was the one who carried her up four flights of stairs after all.
“No,” she laughed through a sob, “I guess you wouldn’t have.” They sat for a moment. Her hand in his. It was warm and as much as he wished he didn’t have to focus on that, in this moment it was nice. It was needed.
That moment where he thought she would devolve back into tears again passed, and they stayed together holding hands. Neither wanting to stare at the other for too long, but neither wanting to drop the others hand. The reassurance that they were both alive, both in front of each other was more important than the awkwardness that came from touching.
“I think I’m going to lay down,” she finally announced, breaking the silence between them. She gave his hand one final squeeze before letting go and sliding back on the bed.
It was time to go. He stood and began heading for the nearest chair. Whatever he thought they might have been building to was gone, and things were going to return to the status quo now. Her wall would go back up, and the chance to learn what was on her mind was gone. He wanted to press her, get her to speak her mind, but he was scared. Would she resent him for forcing the issue? From what he remembered of the few times Nick and Jenny fought, it always seemed to focus on Nick pressing Jenny for more information than she wanted to give. And he didn’t want to repeat the past.
As he began to step away he heard her shoot across the bed and her hand wrapped around his wrist before he could react.
“Please sit with me,” the request took him by surprise. She pulled gently on his arm as he turned to look at her. “Please.” she softly pleaded with him.
He didn’t need the second request, he was already going to sit with her the moment she touched his wrist. But he was so taken aback, so surprised by the suddenness of her request he couldn’t react right away.
She smiled up at him, it was soft and warm. It lit every mechanical neuron in his brain on fire. And it was beautiful.
She was beautiful.
In every instance he saw her, in every moment they shared, she was beautiful. Why did it take him so long to see that?
They were partners, had been since she showed up outside his cell in vault 114. Anyone tenacious enough to rescue him was someone he wanted on the team. And maybe overtime he grew to love her. He mistook it before to be purely platonic but there was something more. He knew however as he looked down at her now there was nothing romantic in her feelings for him. He helped her do whatever she needed. He was a friend she could rely on at any time. And for him that was okay. Just knowing that he could have her in his life was enough. Just knowing that he could be there for her when she needed him was enough.
An he knew that while she might leave him in Diamond City to do things with Preston, Deacon, hell Piper sometimes too, she always came back for him.
And that was enough.
Nora dropped his arm and moved back across the bed, leaving as much room for him as she could. The mattress was small, and he wasn’t sure exactly how they’d share it without her being uncharacteristically close but they’d do it. Once she was settled far enough back she patted the area up near her head and he lumbered his way in. Trying his damndest not to get tangled in his trench coat. This moment didn’t call for him to fumble and smash his face into the bedframe.
Finally he settled in beside her, trench coat tails splayed out on the bed between them, and his leg dangerously close to slipping off. He left a good three inches between them but that was all he could leave without upping the chance of just falling right off the bed. Just when he thought they were finally settled and about to start talking she moved again. Closing the distance between the two of them and cuddling up against his leg.
“Let me know if this is making you uncomfortable at all, I just-”
“No no, it's fine.” he cut her off. The sound of his coolant pumps picking up filled his ears. “You don’t need to explain yourself.” It was rare of her to be so forward, hell tonight was one of the few instances where they touched one another outside of their silent signals. He wouldn’t lie and say he wasn’t enjoying it.
“Thank you,” there it was again. That quiet whisper. She was beginning to drift away into her thoughts.
“I won’t leave you until you send me away, Nora. You can tell me what’s eating at you, we are partners after all.” He felt his hand twitch and fought the urge to place it on her head.
Her head turned up to face him, and she stared into his eyes. “You’re sure? It's a lot.”
“Positive.”
She took a deep shaky breath and turned to face his leg again. “We almost died today, Nick. I can’t get that out of my head. It won’t stop repeating. It’s been chasing me all day through every step it took to get back here. We nearly died, and Shaun was nearly lost. I’m the only one looking for him, we’re the only ones who know where to begin to look to find the Institute and I almost took that knowledge with me. I can’t share that with anyone else. You and I both know that if any goes to hunt the guy down and they’ll bring the Institute down on him too. And we almost died.” she choked on the last words. Her rambled, fragmented speech told him everything he had been suspecting was correct. “I need to find Shaun. I need to get back on the hunt for him, take a break from the Railroad and the Minutemen. But I can’t, they need me too. It's all too much.”
She let out a wracked sob then, and before he even registered the action—before he even realized that he was doing it—his hand was on her head gently stroking her hair. He was silent while he did it, she needed the catharsis of a good cry. And his role right now was to be her shoulder.
“When Preston asked me to be the General for the Minutemen I wanted to say no. There was already too much on my plate. To me I’d just watched Nate die less than a day before. Then I wake up to a whole world that is changed into something I can’t recognize. But you should have seen his face, Nick. Every ounce of his hope, his dreams were laid on me in that moment. And how do you turn that down? He looked so fragile then, like if I gave my no it would send him careening down some dark path. I couldn’t do that to him, or to the rest of his group.” The hand she wasn’t lying on came to rest on his thigh. “Did you know, if I’d left Sanctuary even a day earlier there’d be three more people with them. The guilt is eating me alive and it's not fair to hold this against myself. I couldn’t have known. But I think about what my inaction did that one time, and I feel like I can’t let it happen again. God, I can’t even imagine what losing that many people in such little time would do to a person. Hell I’d only lost two at that point and I was a wreck. I couldn’t turn Preston down, and that sent me to so many places. All across the Commonwealth. Thankfully, Mama Murphy pointed me to you. Before we took the Castle I felt like I could balance being the General and looking for Shaun. But now my plate is stacked against me.” She twisted her head to look up at him. “You’ve come with me for many of those adventures by the way, thank you for sticking by my side even though it isn’t your usual work.” It took him a second to register that she expected him to speak.
“The good you’re bringing to the Commonwealth, it's worth seeing. I’m just glad you want this bucket of bolts with you while you do this.” She laughed at his remark, the sound was music to his ears after all of the tears.
“You’re who I want by my side through this all.” Her forehead pressed against his leg. “I am helping people, we are, together. It is worth it, it is needed in this hellscape. But hell even with just the Minutemen was already too much.” her voice turned to a whisper, “then we stumble on the Railroad and Deacon goes out of his way to make me a full agent. How do I turn that down? Those people, the synths, they deserve to live a life free of the institute. What the Institute is doing to them isn't fair. It isn’t right. I can’t stand by and let it happen. So I have to accept Deacon’s offer, we clear out Switchboard, find the stuff they left behind and there I am. Wrapped so deeply into another group I can’t stop. It's so rare that I get to meet who I am helping, that I even know if they actually arrive safe. Des always tells me they do, and I trust her but…I can imagine they would have a high margin of burn out with their agents if they listed how many they didn’t manage to get out.” She let out another heavy sigh, taking a few moments to compose herself.
“The worst part of this all Nick, I need a break. I can’t keep running towards every mission they all send my way like this. I need to find Shaun. He’s already lost his father, I can’t have him lose his mother when she’s so close to finding him. But I can’t tell them that I need a break, I can’t be that selfish. Not when everything feels like it's teetering on a knife point. But we almost died today, and I don’t know if I can go on more of these missions for Preston and Des with that looming over my head. But the pressure to do more is too much.” She wavered as she talked, her thought process becoming less and less coherent. He could tell she was at the start of another spiral, looking down at the abyss she was about to tumble into.
“Tomorrow I’ll radio to Preston.” He injected himself before she could continue. “I don’t care what you say, we’ll start the hike to the Glowing Sea together. We’ll find whoever it is that Kellogg was hunting down, and we’ll find our way into the Institute. Together.” He wrapped his arm around her back, taking care to not put any pressure on the freshly closed wounds. “If you need a day or two in Diamond City then we’ll take it. It’ll probably be good to stock up there anyways. No one needs to know where we're going, just that you have some business to take care of.”
She let out another long exhale, “that-that’s exactly what I needed.” She started moving around a bit trying to get comfy. “Thank you Nick, I’m going to try and turn in now.” Her arm wrapped further around his thigh holding him in place. “Please don’t leave me, I, I don’t know what I’d do tonight.” Coming off of the confessions she just laid bare the implication was clear.
“I won’t move unless you tell me to.” He reassured her. His arm stayed wrapped around her back and he stared down at her.
“Thank you,” her breathing slowed to its normal pace, and it wasn’t long until she drifted off to sleep.
He knew then that he would need to be the rock she needed when it was time to be selfish. She wouldn’t make the choice for herself yet, though he’d have to take on teaching her that it is okay to do so in this wasteland. He’d do whatever it took to ensure she was able to do what she needed.
For the night, that meant holding her while she slept. He was grateful that his body meant he didn’t need to move for long periods of time. He wouldn’t need to shift or worry about blood flow. He could be the perfect support for her.
And for now, that was enough.